To the casual observer, I seem to be a remarkably healthy specimen; I’m well-formed and well-proportioned, with above-average muscular development, excellent bone density, good skin and exceptional looks. My cognitive functions and reflexes are far above the norm, my memory is nothing short of awe-inspiring and as long as I don’t get stupid about it, I can pretty much eat what I like. Some of that came naturally, some was the result of years of work on my part and some of it was the combined result of medical science and money (lots and lots of money). But what’s invisible to the casual observer is that I also suffer from a number of neurological disorders, including chronic depression (since the age of 9), ADD, mild OCD, insomnia, orgasmic dysfunction, a host of anxieties, and vertigo so debilitating that I literally get dizzy if my head isn’t at least a pillow’s height above my heart at all times (if you’re ever around when I put on my shoes, watch how I do it). Some of these (such as the insomnia & anxiety) have worsened due to the whips and scorns of time, while age has taught me tricks and workarounds for dealing with some of the others (such as the ADD).
But “workarounds” is all they are; they no more mean the problem is “solved” than a limp means the limb one favors is “cured”. Take my vertigo, for example; in everyday life I can avoid triggering it as long as I don’t make any sudden motions, spin, look down while moving, lie flat on my back, go to see an IMAX movie, watch images that flash or jerk quickly, try to move in any way but very slowly & carefully while drunk or high, ride in the back seat of a car, ignore the warning signs of a sinus headache, fly in an airplane, or remain vertical when I start feeling even the slightest symptom of dizziness. Sometimes it happens anyway due to some sickness or mold spores or whatnot, but for the most part I can avoid the dizziness, vomiting, temperature dysregulation, hives, tunnel vision and other exciting and glamorous effects by simply avoiding the things that I know will precipitate them. Of course, this doesn’t mean the vertigo is “cured” any more than a peanut allergy sufferer can be said to be “cured” because she made it through a week without dying of anaphylactic shock by avoiding anything which might have potentially contacted peanuts; the disorder is merely managed, not cured. Naturally, having to avoid so many activities and movements other people take for granted is frustrating and annoying, so as I’m sure you can imagine I have over the past four decades tried every goddamned thing which has been suggested as a way to cure or at least mitigate the problem. And you know what? The same goes for everyone who suffers from any neurological, mental or emotional disorder.
And that’s why most of us, especially those of us who are older, often get so irate when well-meaning and seemingly-reasonable people make “suggestions” about how to “get over” these issues. If a disorder has obvious physical manifestations, like blindness or epilepsy, nobody thinks one can “learn” to “get over it”. But if it’s something that results in changes to behavior, such as vertigo, insomnia or Seasonal Affective Disorder, suddenly they assume it’s all in the mind and can be learned away by the “right” kind of thinking, meditation, affirmation, health food or some other mumbo-jumbo woo; if the person they’re making these “helpful suggestions” to is older than a teenager, this is highly insulting to the sufferer’s intelligence as well as dismissive of their problem. DON’T YOU THINK I TRIED ALL YOUR MAGIC PASSES & HAPPY THOUGHTS 30 FUCKING YEARS AGO? And it’s even worse for those with mental illness; at least my vertigo produces tangible, observable puke. But people with clinical depression or a personality disorder can no more “snap out of it” than I can “snap out of” an attack of dizziness and vomiting. Even those who do understand that such issues aren’t merely bad moods often think that A) there’s a med for everything; and B) that side effects aren’t a consideration. But neither of those is true; there isn’t a medication for every condition, not everyone responds well to meds that work for others, and side effects are sometimes so bad they outweigh the benefits and the sufferer decides it’s better not to use them.
What it all boils down to is this: unless you’re a medical or psychiatric professional skilled in the treatment of a particular condition, and a person who suffers that condition asks for your suggestions, DO NOT OFFER THEM. Not even if the sufferer is complaining in front of you. Not even if whatever you’re going to suggest worked for your Aunt Matilda. Not even if you think that positive thinking can grant any power from telekinesis to survival in a hard vacuum. Just don’t. And if you refuse to take my advice and do it anyway, don’t get all butthurt if the recipient of your fucking Hints from Heloise blows up in your face.
I can very much relate to your statement – ” DON’T YOU THINK I TRIED ALL YOUR MAGIC PASSES & HAPPY THOUGHTS 30 FUCKING YEARS AGO?” I have struggled some things yoe mention and some you do not. But I did find a solution to one thing that plagued me all my life.
I used to get chronic sinus infections every spring for 60 years. My CPAP machine over the last 20 years forced the infections into my lungs and every spring when allergies start I catch a cold which eventually goes bacterial gets into my chest and sometimes turns into full blown pneumonia if I don’t start oral antibiotics soon enough. I had two sinus surgeries with no help.
Then my ENT doctor tried a very simple solution involving a compounded prescription including a topical antibiotic and topical anti-fungal and it cured me.
All my life whenever I got my teeth cleaned, the hygienists berated me for not taking better care of my gums because they would bleed. Last week an 70 + year old dentist did a full crown and told me he never saw such healthy gums in his entire life. He said there was absolutely no bleeding even though he cut all the way beneath the gum line in every direction around the tooth.
My pneumonia hasn’t come back and no sinus infection this spring either.
When a friend told me of a similar chronic illness I did tell her the solution for what sounded like very similar to what I had experienced. She was very interested in hearing what it was so I did not pressure her to listen. She pressured me for more details.
On one of the other sites I visit someone described the act of offering the kind of advice you describe above as “hlepy.” It works for me.
Thank you! Yes! Yes! Yes! Ditto! Perhaps we who share this dynamic have one or both of the following. Either our adaptations to our constitutions make us superb in other ways or the challenges are part of the gifts themselves. I respectfully wish to add something regarding those who do not often share our private hell. We do not make excuses and adapt to our situations often over shooting what is expected of anyone furthering their lack of consideration and adding to the delightful perception of others that what we deal with might not be that bad. They satisfy themselves and serve their narcissism by offering their often useless advice delivered in a condescending manner. On the other hand there is a joy and satisfaction in having little to no sympathy for the trivial hardships of others. Have you become cold to others yet; it is really satisfying.
I just love it when people tell me how good, young and healthy I look especially when they are part of the few who were witness to my experiences. How about saying nothing of the sort? A few maybe mean well, but it is really a way of negating their own feeling of narcissistic inadequacy. Honestly, when you let a little of your situation out or someone else does, you are sorry that you did it as it leads to all of the above. Gods forbid that you need the most minor consideration and the who process starts anew.
Even though those of us who live this might have useful experience bordering on expert for fellow travelers, my MO is to make the offer and leave the door open and drop it with the understanding that my knowledge was gained from experience.
Thanks again for making my day.
I expect you will shout at me for this: do you have ‘benign paroxysmal positional vertigo’?
There is nothing remotely benign about my vertigo.
‘Benign’ refers to the aetiology not the severity of the symptoms.
I’ve had it since early childhood, and no specialist I was taken to ever seemed to be able to find a specific, diagnosable cause.
Preach it, sister! After I got out of the funny farm (which wasn’t that funny, really) I went through an intensive outpatient program. One of the things they taught us was that we needed to figure out how our loved ones could help us through it, and then to communicate that to them. If even the closest people to us need to learn how to help, how could a morsel of drive-by advice possibly help at all?
Oh, and that vertigo sounds horrible! Are you even able to drive? My step-daughter came down with BPV a few years back and it struck when she was driving. She almost crashed, and couldn’t work for a week or two. Dealing with that on a daily basis must be awful.
I can drive just fine under normal conditions, because my brain anticipates the motions before I make them. Unfamiliar, windy roads will trigger vertigo even if I’m riding in the front seat, and under poor visibility conditions (night, heavy rain or fog, etc) they can even trigger the condition if I’m driving. I-70 west of Denver is very bad for me at night, and I-80 west of Reno is awful day or night. I’ve also become very sick as a passenger on US highways in Arkansas & Kentucky.
interesting that you mention this. i am not sure that i have vertigo or maybe some small degree whereas my real problem is neck spinal damage/deterioration/bad design and certain motions exhaust me from the specifics of the movement itself. it can even make me sick for the day after driving the wrong car. here is the funny part, it is vehicle specific and discovered by accident. i own three vehicles and two which are as different as could be other than the same year do not bother me, in fact i often feel better after driving them. the other vehicle and much worse, being driven by others tires and sickens me. buses and subways can really beat me down. yet, here is a laugh, driving a small boat as a profession never bothered me one bit other than normal work fatigue.
I see one exception to the rule: A good friend developed a mental condition that makes him unable to work only a few years back (some specific form of anxiety). So I did offer suggestions and occasionally still do. But the thing is that he talked possible things to try over with me and he never had this type of problem before.
Hence I would suggest that asking “Do you want any advice/suggestions?” is acceptable and something the person affected has to tolerate. Of course, depending on the answer, it has to stop there.
That was a well thought out article. Very well written. Better to stay silent and avoid the negatives of things with all the medical problems people have than.