In observance of Mother’s Day, I wanted to address one of the viler applications of the Madonna/whore fallacy, namely the practice of officially abducting the children of sex workers by branding them “unfit parents” on the strength of nothing but the fact that they are sex workers. But I knew that nothing I could write would have the impact of my friend Kelly’s telling of her own story, to which the rest of today’s column is dedicated.
I became involved in the Sex Industry at the age of fifteen, living alone on Fort Lauderdale beach; it’s a haven of teenage prostitution and provided the means for me to take care of myself. I was too young to have a job in Florida without my parents signing, and having no parents meant having no job. For me it was an easy transition from men that fed me and gave me a place to sleep in exchange for sex, to men directly paying me for sex. Even at that early age sex was a commodity that I controlled, and I viewed it as both an industry and a science. But an arrest prompted me to leave that life to marry my husband. I became a mother in 1993 and again in 1996 and 2001; I stayed home and raised those children for thirteen years.
Then in 2007 the housing market crashed; my husband lost his job and could not find another. Christmas was approaching and we were about to lose our home, when after another fruitless day of job-hunting he asked me through tearful eyes to put in ads as an escort again. I wasn’t alone; as the economy continued to decline, more and more women were turning to sex work to make ends meet, and not as reluctantly as you may think. For me, sex work improved my self-esteem and financial position enough that divorce seemed possible for the first time; I had already tried to escape that marriage twice through domestic violence shelters, but they could never help me become economically sound. And now I was thinking of divorce even more: my husband’s jealousy of my growing independence had incited his rage, and he was arrested twice for domestic violence.
The first time his parents quickly bailed him out, but by the second time they were angry at his lack of self control. He thought quickly and told them that his rage had been incited by the “discovery” that I was working as a prostitute; this shocked them into sympathy. No longer was he the villainous wife-beater; suddenly he was viewed only as a whore-beater, and that wasn’t nearly as bad. He didn’t mention that it was his idea, or that he had answered client emails pretending to be me while I visited other clients. His parents told him that the only way that they would bond him out this time was if he took our children and placed them on a plane to his brother (whom the children had never met) in another state. He agreed, and on July 8, 2008 he and his family began a campaign to keep the dirty whore from being anywhere near the children. And it worked: at first the state took custody from both of us, he for domestic violence and me for prostitution, but he quickly signed a case plan and “cooperated”, while I plead not guilty and chose to go to trial; this made me the “hostile” parent.
For five long years I held faith in the justice system…Five years with no school pictures, teacher conferences or chaperoned field trips. Five years of Mother’s Days with no breakfast in bed. I really believed that when the case came to court and a Judge heard about the way that my husband had continued his abusive behavior, the ordeal would be over. Surely the judge would look badly on my husband’s completely withholding visitation from me for six months despite a court order. Surely when the court heard that in his two years of custody he had never taken them to a doctor or dentist, or provided them with the glasses the two younger ones needed, they would be returned to me. Surely when they heard the sad stories that the children recount of living in their father’s home, they would be removed from there. But it didn’t work out that way, because I was a sex worker.
I did not realize at first that the court officials were totally on his side; they expedited his case and delayed mine to ensure that his was finished first, thus earning him reunification with the children. He also left the filing of the divorce papers to me, which delayed matters still further because I knew by that point I would need a good lawyer. I stopped working as an escort and began working as a tantric instructor, but my lawyer told me I had zero chance of reunification doing any kind of sex work; I therefore opened a catering company which moved into a restaurant over the next year and a half. The court had investigators crawling in and out of my restaurant and interviewing my employees, but never bothered to verify that my husband really had a job nor to ask why he hadn’t filed tax returns for over ten years. When it came to trial, the head investigator reported that my restaurant was “questionable” because I subleased the kitchen of an existing pub; she also told the judge that if my work as a tantric instructor wasn’t prostitution, “It is something similar to prostitution.” It didn’t matter that it had been more than a year since I had been involved in that, or that I admitted being previously involved; once a dirty whore, always a dirty whore. Needless to say, the court awarded him full custody. I haven’t finished fighting, though, and as he continues to neglect the children, I will continue to drag this case back to court to ask why I was never considered a “real option” in spite of the details of emotional abuse and neglect that continues in their father’s home.
Maggie was there all along, listening with a sympathetic ear and helping me to understand that the details of the case were not what mattered; she helped me understand that the stated purpose of family court (which of course is to “protect the children”) is not at all what they are truly interested in. When it comes to sex workers, keeping the status quo and punishing the dirty whore was the objective, not only in my case but in many others. The more I saw this theory proven, the more I wondered why more attention is not paid to the issue of families and custody within the sex worker rights movement; I personally found no organizations offering support for custody issues and vowed to change that. I began to notice the reinforcement of the negative stereotype of sex workers on television, and began to contemplate the way that this programming influences decision makers like guardians ad litem, who have little to no education or experience with sex workers. With that I began a Kickstarter project to produce a documentary film in which I will share my experience as a sex worker dealing with family court, and to dispel myths about sex work by looking at my life as I embark upon a typical tour.
This Mother’s Day, I propose that we take a closer look into sex work and the family court; let’s think not only about the rights of sex workers, but of the children that love them and are needlessly removed from their parents. Porn Stars have the right to custody. Strippers have the right to custody. Why should escorts be treated any differently? Sex work should not be considered in custody decisions when it does not affect the children directly, and we as a group need to stand up to demand unbiased treatment in custody decisions. Please visit “Whoremom” at Kickstarter.com to support my effort to educate the public on the reality of being a whore-mom in the state of prohibition.
This is hearbreaking, i will visit the kickstarter but wish i could do more.
Thank you jemima!
Thank you jemima…it means so much to me.
With a crowd funding project the beauty of it is the power af many small contributions.
The most important thing is to get the word out…
Even if you can’t support the project…a tweet or a facebook like will help to reach our goal and start filming.
Follow me on twitter @nymphtalk for updates!
Incredibly powerful stuff and my sympathies go out to you. I hope that, as your children get older, they will see the truth of what happened.
I’ll second jemima; that was heartbreaking, and a bit enraging. I’ll be making a (admittedly small) donation.
Kevin thank you… every little bit is a meaningful gesture!
Actually though, any kind of sex worker (or just sexually unconventional woman) can have custody problems, depending on the judge. See this ridiculous story:
http://boingboing.net/2006/02/21/woman-denied-custody.html
Its the children that suffer in these cases the most.
Even the “sympathetic” portrayals of sex workers on TV are usually bad. (I call them “child-women,” adult women portrayed with the minds of children.)
I agree. I am completing a compilation of clips to post at http://www.whoremom.org today.
My ATF is a divorced Mom with two kids. She’s a wonderful mother and this is my greatest fear – that something like this will happen to her.
You’re a strong, good, lady Kelly Michaels!
Donated. Only those with the hardest of hearts would not be moved by this injustice.
Thank you gumdeo, your support is heartwarming.
Kelly, I am going to tell you the same thing I told every mum who came out to sell sex to give her children a better life:
“What you are doing is just a little bit better and braver than another mother who would let her children suffer deprivation rather than sell sex. That doesn’t mean they are bad people, just that you are that little bit better. The world does not recognise this because the world is totally fucked up. Be thankful you are a little less fucked up…”
As I am thankful to find someone I can wish a totally unreserved “Happy Mother’s Day” to, past the prejudice of my own upbringing….because you deserve it…just as your children deserve to be with you and the fine parenting you have to offer…
Your children are not just for the first 18 years CPS control y’know…you are stuck with them for life…and they will still need you when they are free to come to you…and you will be waiting, with all the love, nurturing and sanity they will need.
Try not to hurt any more than you have to in the meanwhile.
Very kind sentiments as even today I receive more harassing text messages as I prepare to change my phone number for a fourth time to avoid their nonsense.
Don’t forget to call me with the new number this time!
you can still reach me on the old one as well. I need to keep it active or she will start looking for the new number!
Donated.
Thank you very much, and please remember the most important thing is to pass it on… share the link and we will see this goal realized.
Reblogged this on whoremom.
[…] http://maggiemcneill.wordpress.com/2013/05/12/guest-columnist-kelly-michaels/ […]
I agree, mothers should not be judged on being prostitutes in custody cases.
have put this in my review of the week, for once being disorganised and late to do things was a good thing!
Wish you lots of support with this and hopefully will be able to contribute some little bit towards making it happen. It is only through actively highlighting such injustices that they can be challenged and new attitudes brought into the system.
Thank you, remember every single dollar pledged is important… even the little bits. More important is the highlighting part… share the project, send a link, like, or mention. Any word of mouth that can get the hat we are passing into another hand. That makes single dollars meaningful. That is the beauty of crowd funding.
I can add little to the multiple great comments, however, I can give! and I have!
I hope everyone can do what they can.
Thank you so much! =)
Maggie, Thank you so much for sharing your spotlight with me today. What would I do without a friend like you willing to talk to me late into many many nights of suffering? Or your family that has welcomed me so many times?
This Mother’s Day, you gave me something I was running very low on. Hope. It was such a blow to get the judges final decision and hear the sad news it contained. Today however, despite the despair, your readers have given me strength to carry on this very important battle.
I had a chance to speak to the children a short while ago. They are aware of this project, though the youngest does not know the details. They too gained strength from hearing about the support coming from all directions.
Thank you all. Whether or not this film reaches it’s goal, you’re support has rekindled our hope, and our will to fight.
Whether or not the project is funded, the battle will be documented at
http://www.whoremom.org
I mean it when I say that helping out has absolutely been my pleasure. 🙂
You have my sympathies. It seems you were set up by your husband to take a fall. Usually, mothers get the children, but you did not and it seems unjust to me. When mothers don’t get custody of the children it is because they really aren’t the best parents for custody to say the least, but you seem to be an exception to this general rule. I wish I could help you more and learn more about you.
Ladies, if your husband asks you to have sex with other men be this for pay or for “free”, consider this a red flag. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong, but it probably does. Be extremely cautious is my advice. Most husbands are very possessive of their wives and have an instinctual sense of their “spot” being invaded and violated, and seethe with such anger where it becomes difficult to contain maiming mutilating and murderous thoughts against their wives and sexual partners especially if they are male when another person has sexual relations with their wives has been my personal experience when talking to these men. Thank God nearly all men contain themselves in today’s age otherwise it would get ugly real fast. I’m sure Krulac would agree with me being that he is as much of a veteran as I am when I say that civilization is a very thin veneer which can be too easily disposed of and the beast isn’t as far under the surface as most people think for all people.
Oh lord, and maybe some of us have moved out of the caves and are in relationships where both partners are equal
No one said anything about equality until you did. Most men I know (at least in the West) if they are husbands expect bad things to happen to them from their wives if they have sex with other women because most women are possessive of their husbands too At least caves are the real world, unlike the fantasy world you live in which is where you are at in your delusional state of mind.
ahh well at least in my fantasy world i do not insult strangers on the internet because they have moved beyond seeing a relationship as about possessing someone. I will go back to texting my fantasy partner, whilst sitting next to my fantasy husband and making bookings with my fantasy clients.
Interestingly the delusional texts my fantasy partner and i are not exchanging ( it all being fantasy) are about the sex he had last night, i am nothing but happy and horny at the fun he had.
That some people are still unable to seperate love and the need to control someone is sad, but to call me delusional for having a life that has moved beyond medieval concepts is hardly an argument for your views.
And you never perceived as an insult when you said “OH lord, and maybe some of us have moved out of caves…” and now saying people have “medievil concepts” asking for a counter insult? You do realize that you started the insults, don’t you? If I’m medieval, then at least I’m a homo sapien sapien(modern human) in behavior unlike the prehistoric hominid behavior you are engaging in and advocating, I’m sure that I’m not the only one who will perceive that your insinuations about how you and your husband view and live your married life to be superior to others as “TRY HARD”.
Truly and seriously, if your relationship works for you and your husband, then that is wonderful for the two of you. However, you should realize that the way you and your husband live your lives seems to be a minority way of living which doesn’t appear to become the way the majority of people will live their lives any time soon if at all. You should live your life as you see fit as long as it doesn’t hurt others, others should live their lives as they see fit as long as it doesn’t hurt you and others, and everyone should mind their own business. Another thing people should do is be honest about what they think, feel and want as well as respect what other people think, feel and want even if one disagrees of course with the caveat of as long as it doesn’t hurt me or the ones I love and to a lesser extent as long as it doesn’t hurt others.
I’m not criticizing the way you choose to think about marriage unlike you who criticize the way most people think about marriage. All I am saying is, “Do you really think you are that different from other people? All too often people find out the hard way that they are not. Please think things through and be cautious because I truly would like to see you have a good and happy life as I would all people to one degree or another who have been good to me or at least not caused me any serious harm.(Like anyone else, I struggle to forgive those who have caused me serious harm. What can I say? I’m human.).” Did you ever think that criticizing or denigrating the way most people view marriage especially as people have seemed to view and live it this way for centuries and millennia to be just as bad as people criticizing and denigrating the way you choose to view and live marriage?
So much anger and passive aggression…have you considered therapy?
So many delusions…..have you stopped taking your psychiatric medicine?
the fact you see a woman who does not agree with you as needing medication says so much…have you tried rohipnol?
Rohipnol aka Roofies—Date Rape Drug. TRY HARD. I’m too good for you and out of your league, aren’t I?
Ow.
My mother went through crap like this when I was a child, after a divorce. She won her fight eventually, but I’m told it was a special kind of hell. I think I’ll chip in a bit for her sake.
I know that this is so true. I have met other women in my many years in and around the sex industry that this happened to. The whore stigma is still so strong. And in fact, many whores make excellent moms. Its so unfair. I hope you can make your important film and get your children back soon.
[…] Here’s an interesting piece from a sex worker who has lost custody of her children due to sex work … and although Michaels makes the point that legal sex workers don’t lose custody of […]
Wow, it’s a really heartbreaking article. But I didn’t press the ‘Like’ button, for I absolutely didn’t like the content of it. Seriously, I feel angry right now (I know my anger won’t make things better). I really admire you, Kelly Michaels.
I don’t know if I could live further, if someone took my chilren away.
It’s a very personal issue. I don’t know anything about my biological mother.
I was not taken away, but kind of ‘taken away’, I’m adopted.
I don’t have information about my mother, since a lot of people in my birthcountry don’t even exist officially. But I think about if often. What if I was adopted, because my mother wasn’t ‘suitable’?…….
I was unable to find the “Like” nor was I able to contribute. This may be because I’m running so far behind. If I am too late to like and contribute,* know that my best wishes are with you. And I can still throw in a very few dollars, if it isn’t too late.
* It can’t be much, but I know that if enough people give not much, it can add up to much.
I’m fighting the same fight!!! I want this subject exposed.
[…] “inappropriate” and “creepy” will figure prominently. Sex workers often have their children abducted from them by prohibitionist regimes on the grounds that having consensual sex makes them “unfit […]
[…] classified as the custodian of state property, and it’s a small matter to control her by threatening to take that property away. Because this is such a powerful tool of control, the state has worked diligently to maximize its […]