It is easier to judge the mind of a man by his questions rather than his answers. — Pierre-Marc-Gaston, Duc de Lévis
Got a question? Email me at maggiemcneill@earthlink.net and I’ll do my best to answer it!
How do I let my regular escort know that I truly value and appreciate her personality without coming off as creepy or patronizing? I don’t want to send her mixed signals, but I do want to show her that it’s her brain and her heart that keep me one of her regulars and not just her vagina.
Just tell her. Don’t make a big deal about it, but the next time you’re having a conversation with her while on a date, just say something like, “See, this is why I like you so much!” She’ll understand. Another good way is to find out if she has an Amazon wishlist or the like, and get her a present that leans in the direction of mind & personality; for example, if she has both a bottle of perfume and a book on science or politics there, get her the book. That will say “I appreciate your mind” as loudly as anything.
I’m a recent university graduate in Malaysia and can’t bring myself to apply for a normal 9 to 5; I’m simply not that interested in the profession I was educated for. Now I find myself toying with the idea of becoming a harlot; how would I go about setting myself up in this business? How much can a freelance prostitute make? I know there are some inherent risks and dangers that come with the job, but I can only assume the higher end of the spectrum not only pays more, but is also somewhat safer, am I too naive to believe this? What is the long term prospect for a girl like me? And how do I keep my working life completely out of any circle that I, my family or my friends move in?
If you were in a Western country I could speak more authoritatively, but the best I can do for Malaysia is to give you a general answer. According to my reference prostitution is legal there as long as you don’t solicit in public; however, the United States has been encouraging your government to violently persecute sex workers, so it’s impossible to tell how that might impact your work in the near future.
That having been said, I suspect some things will still be the same; escorts advertise via websites nearly everywhere in the world, and always make far more than other entry-level jobs (usually as much as early-career lawyers if they work full-time and are good at it). You’re not naïve in thinking higher-end sex work is safer; every methodologically sound study ever done shows it, and simple reason will demonstrate why it is so (better class of clients, less exposure, relative invisibility to police, etc). Long term prospects are like those in any job: if you are good at the work and apply yourself, making sound and sensible business decisions, you will tend to do well unless some unpredictable circumstances intervene. As for keeping your personal and professional lives separate, that depends on careful planning. Maintain a high level of privacy with your family, and don’t allow them to “drop in” on you without prior contact; don’t see clients any place family members are likely to go, and don’t give enough details in your professional life (including pictures showing your face) to allow anyone to connect your two personas.
I have two suggestions for your next step: Get Amanda Brooks’ Internet Escort’s Handbook, which will help you decide whether the work is really right for you. Also, do some research on local escort websites; see what the other girls are saying, how they advertise, what they charge, what their concerns are, etc. After you do those things I think you’ll be in a position to make an informed decision. Either way, good luck with whatever career you decide to pursue!
I was wondering if you have any advice (or columns) for an aspiring plus size courtesan? I’ve done some escort work before (when I was thinner) and though I’m trying to work towards losing weight I’d like to start working sooner rather than later if possible.
I’ve never been in that group, but I know it’s not really an issue; there are a lot of guys interested in BBW escorts! The important thing is to clearly advertise yourself that way, and make sure your pictures are current and accurate so no nasty men can play games by claiming you misrepresented yourself. I believe that there are some BBW-specific sites, but I’ve seen them on general escort sites as well.
In your experience, are tall men more endowed than those of average height?
There’s no correlation at all between height and penis size. In fact, one reason porn stars often look so huge is that a short actor’s penis looks bigger in proportion to his body than that of a taller man with the same endowment.
Do you have any resources about pleasing men? I think Western women don’t go further than your typical Cosmo article on 134 ways to please your man, which I would assume is different from the way girls in Southeast Asia do it; the best description I found was that they “treat them like kings.” So what is the difference?
Pleasing a man doesn’t require tricks, tips or a manual; all it takes is paying attention and a true desire to please. Nine men out of ten will TELL you exactly what they want, but a lot of Western women react to such suggestions with, “Ick, that’s nasty; I’m going to try this ridiculous Cosmo suggestion instead.” WTF? Here they have men telling them exactly what will turn them on, and they shun it in favor of ridiculous antics that, if they really worked, would appear in every porno movie. I wrote about this in my early column “A Whore in the Bedroom”; what it basically boils down to is, concentrate on what turns him on even if it does nothing for you, and even if you think it’s ridiculous or disgusting or “degrading”. That’s the real “secret” of both the stereotypical Asian girl and the successful whore: she will say “yes” when the typical Western woman will say “no”. And considering that women are much more sexually flexible than men are, a woman often finds herself turned on by something she never cared for before, precisely because it excites the man she loves.
My boyfriend suffers from erectile dysfunction – the erections don’t last long and when he has to put his penis into me, it just goes soft; I wear sexy underwear and had Brazilian waxing done, but nothing seems to help. He is 36, in generally bad shape, has circulatory problems and his diet is based on pizza and Coke. I try to persuade him to walk more or ride the bike, and to change his unhealthy habits, but is there anything else I can do?
I suspect his circulation problem is the major culprit, but his poor physical condition and diet probably don’t help, either. Also, the Coke may very well have a lot to do with it: in the United States, soft drinks are sweetened with high fructose corn syrup, which (in addition to its many other bad effects) raises uric acid levels; this stiffens arteries, thus raising blood pressure, impairing circulation and discouraging the body from producing nitric oxide, the chemical which triggers erection. I don’t know if soft drinks in Europe are made with this thoroughly nasty stuff, but if I were you I’d read the ingredients on a can to see.
If his soft drinks do contain HFCS, he needs to switch immediately to some other beverage that doesn’t such as coffee, tea, flavored water, etc. Even if the soft drinks are sweetened with sugar, cutting them out would certainly help him lose weight because sodas add calories without making one feel full. Keep working on getting him to exercise; your doing it with him should make the prospect more attractive, especially if it’s something fun like bike riding or swimming. He should also talk to his physician, and if the doctor just tries to “patch” the issue by giving him Viagra, you need to speak up: in a 72-year-old man erectile difficulty is to be expected, but in a 36-year-old it’s a sign of major problems which will almost certainly lead to other health issues and should therefore not be ignored.
Getting a man to change his habits isn’t easy, but I’m sure he’d love to have stronger, more dependable erections again so that’s a factor in your favor. Once things start to improve, you can also encourage him to keep it up by demonstrating in a practical way how happy you are with the results. Good luck, and please let me know how things turn out!
The 36 year old may also have psychological problems.
It’s possible, but (judging by the part of her letter I didn’t publish) not as likely IMHO.
With ED, the correct way to look at it is rule out every possible physical cause first before looking for psychological factors. If the psychological factors are at work, they won’t kill the person suffering from impotence. However, if he has other physical problems for which impotence is a symptom, treatment is important.
From the letter I’m reading, it sounds like the guy has done tremendous damage to his body via poor diet and lack of exercise. (In my profession this is a common problem, so I see this more than I’d like. Destroying your body with 16 hours of completely sedentary activity, followed by sleep, and a diet designed by an 8 year old who thinks every day should be Halloween is the norm. In fact, this self-destructive behaviour is considered “macho” for programmers, as insane as that sounds.)
If I were advising the person, I’d send the boyfriend to the doctor. He might be diabetic or pre-diabetic. This can cause nerve damage and lead to impotence.
If he’s carrying a lot of weight, it can cause his testosterone levels to be lower than they should be in a man of his age.
As Maggie has pointed out, it can also lead to vascular problems with blood flow. The good news is that working hard to get physically fit can reverse these symptoms. Of course, impotence is often a sign of more serious problems, his doctor may send him for a CAT scan to make sure a tumor isn’t pressing on the glands in his brain responsible for regulating testosterone production.
I don’t have any objection to Viagra or Cialis, but Maggie is right, impotence in a young man is usually a sign of more serious physical problems that shouldn’t be ignored.
That aspect of programmer culture has faded a lot in my 25 yrs in industry.
Especially in the upper eschlons (above six figures entry). Largely because as a group we are now desired by women.
You won’t find many athletes, but what fun is upper middle class income if you can’t walk the beach and perform in the sack?
I think it still depends on where you work. Death marches still happen at some places. Here’s an example at Zynga. Obviously, they have a toxic culture and I would never work there, but I have no doubt that they sold the long hours and constant stress to their employees as a form of machismo.
A simple trick I heard of once, to establish if the issue is psychological or not quickly, is to check for a reflex erection. Stick three unseparated stamps to the flaccid penis.
If the perforations are torn in the AM, there was a reflex erection, so the issue is more likely to be psychological, if a reflex erection is possible
He should see a urologist and be tested for testosterone levels. Diabetes or pre-diabetic condition should also be looked into. It could be that his problems are symptoms of something more serious.
I enjoy your blog.
Q: One thing I’ve noticed in the popular representation or understanding of clients is how they end up being either ‘losers’ or ‘studs’. Even within feminist criticism of sex work, the same pattern occurs, only that the former are seen as ugly or repellent and the latter as seen as predatory or ‘privileged.’ Why do you think this might be?
Because people are fond of imposing false dichotomies on things that are continua, even if there’s absolutely no evidence for it; it makes things easier for their limited intellects to grasp.
Because either way, there is a defect with the man. There is no third alternative, that the client is a normal man whose woman a) has let herself become unattractive a la Andrea Dworkin b) is playing classic mind-games on him c) is drinking the neofeminist Kool-Aid and so treats the man as only slightly less deviant than a child molester.
To be fair, there are also lots of married clients who have absolutely no complaints about their wives, but merely want sexual variety.
Wasn’t the ancient Greeks whose philosophy started the concepts of compartmentalisation and categories, and something which we have retained? A search for order, structure and meaning — and not just binary divisions.
I’ll say something you don’t hear very often. In the years since I left sex work, I’ve found I really miss some of my regular clients. I really do.
These men were not losers, in any sense of the word. Quite the opposite. Most people, if they didn’t know these men saw whores like me, would have considered them to be the leaders. Many were highly accomplished, successful, intelligent (one had written thirty books and was an expert in his field that the media often called on). They had varied interests, and great personalities. Despite the fact that they paid me, I feel so privileged to have gotten to spend time with them.
Clients can be some really great men.
I totally agree; I liked one of mine so much I even married him. 🙂
Hi Maggie,
Have you seen this? In it a Pastor tells you how god polishes a shaft. And it’s actually worse than you think…
http://boingboing.net/2012/08/09/pastor-jack-schaap-demonstrate.html
From this story it looks like the good pastor would have done better to have polished his own shaft rather than waiting for god or a congregant to do it for him.
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-57486229-504083/jack-schaap-pastor-of-ind-megachurch-fired-for-sexual-relationship-with-teen-congregant/
He did it with a seventeen-year-old, in a state (Indiana) where the age of consent is sixteen. The FBI is looking into things because he may have taken her into another state (Illinois). The OoC in Illinois? Sixteen.
OK, so he’s a weirdo, a perv, and not what his congregation wanted him to be. But if he did something legal, in two different states where it’s legal, then isn’t it just petty to try to get him for the illegality of doing something legal in two different places where what he did was legal?
No, no. That’s not the proper way to look at this. You are expected to react thusly:
“He’s a witch! BURN HIM!”
I’m at an in-between size where sometimes I’m considered BBW (albeit on the low-end) other times not. Anyway, my suggestion for the aspiring plus-sized escort is to, obviously, mention her size, take great pictures that show the beauty of her more generous curvature and, most importantly, not to feel as though she must structure her rates at a huge discount simply because she is not skinny. Maggie, if you’re still in contact with her you can pass on my contact info to her; she is more than welcome to email me.
Yes, I have her email address and will do that. Thanks, Aspasia! 🙂
I take issue with your erectile dysfunction advice here Maggie. Yeah, being generally in poor shape can contribute to erectile dysfunction in men but for lots of people this can be its own separate condition.
It is perfectly possible for someone to be in good physical health and have erectile dysfunction, not as an extended symptom of something else. I was in a relationship with someone who was very physically healthy but had never managed to have erections that stayed for the whole of sex, and aged 21 was prescribed viagra and had used it ever since. He isn’t sick in any other underlying way, he just can’t get a boner.
That is extremely, extremely unusual, and given all the likely causes for the problem in this gentleman I felt it wasn’t worth mentioning (and covered under the “consult your physician” caveat anyhow).
Yeah, some of those porn guys ain’t very tall. It makes sense, too: a seven inch penis is just going to look bigger if it’s attached to a man who’s five-foot-six than it will attached to a man who’s six-foot-five.
My husband suffered from some erectile dysfunction problems before we got married after he impailed himself as a result of a motorbike accident. He had told me about the incident but we had regular sex and were happy. He sought help from an escort for a bj which I only found out about after he passed away. I am distraught that he lied and cheated, as I was completely faithful. He fell ill, I cared for him for 4 years but now feel cheated.
Sometimes we have to be thankful for the good times we spent with a partner. He did cheat, and nothing will change that.
Being unfaithful is only one thing we may not know about another person no matter how long we may live with them.
Be thankful you are alive and live life the best you can. As hard as it may seem, be thankful for the good times you did share with him. Those 4 years say more about you. For that reason alone, you should have no regrets.