Now I know that there ARE visible signs of woman’s sexual arousal, even though they are not as visually obvious as male erection. I’m talking about vaginal secretions, clitoris, nipples hardening, skin reddening, pulse speeding up, contractions during orgasm and so forth… How do you manage those, if “manage” is the right word at all? Some of the more sensitive men would not be fooled, and would in fact be thwarted by a pretended pleasure while the more subtle signs are not there. Or is it possible to say that even when acting out you do feel a measure of sexual arousal, but you are just not into it emotionally, and that is what you mean by “concentrating erotic energies”? Do you ever feel arousal and experience orgasm at all while working? I’m asking because I’ve read some sex workers testimonies on Reddit, and many do say that they enjoy the sexual experience that they have with clients. Also, as someone for whom the sexual pleasure of the woman I’m with is very important, I’d like to ask this: have you encountered clients for whom your arousal and orgasm was important? Clients that asked to please you and give you orgasm as part of the session? I, for example, love giving cuni, and love giving orgasms and pleasing, without that the experience for me would be of very little value. How would you manage that?
Almost none of the signs you mention occur in every woman. Lubrication, for instance, varies greatly from one woman to another; some flow like a river at the slightest provocation, while I’ve always been a bit on the dry side even when quite aroused. Nipples don’t always become erect without direct stimulation, and even when they do often lose erection during the plateau stage; the erection of a small, thickly-hooded or recessed clitoris is very difficult to detect without closer inspection than most guys will attempt. Though more than 50% of women show a sex flush (reddening), that means almost 50% don’t and it’s less pronounced in a colder room (and most clients keep their hotel rooms fairly cold in New Orleans). I hardly think anyone who isn’t Kryptonian is going to casually notice his companion’s pulse, and speeded-up respiration is easily faked. But there are the orgasmic contractions…which I learned to fake in my late teens, so well I can fool other women. So the answer is no, I’ve never encountered any clients I couldn’t fool. Obviously, some of them must have suspected, but that would be true even if my super-fakery were absolutely indistinguishable without an EEG machine; some men are just going to be suspicious and that’s that. It may be that most women aren’t as good at faking it as I am, but that’s OK because most men aren’t remotely sensitive enough to tell the difference between a good, professional fake and the real thing.
All that having been said, I did sometimes get excited with clients, and I did sometimes climax. Being paid for sex is a turn-on for me; usually the effect was subtle, but under the right conditions with the right man it could be quite pronounced, enough to make me more orgasmic than I might otherwise be. I’m sure the same is true for lots of other sex workers as well, though of course some of them are prone to exaggerate the degree or frequency of arousal for marketing purposes. I think it’s safe to say, however, that the average escort doesn’t really enjoy the sex with the average client.
The majority of men do want the woman to enjoy the experience, but because most women require more than mere physical stimulation that’s not as straightforward a process for women as for men. I once explained it this way:
Males are highly achievement-oriented; their self-esteem depends upon being competent, and being perceived as virile and sexually potent is as important to the average man as being perceived as beautiful and desirable is to the average woman…The competitive, result-oriented male mind sees female orgasm as the target, the goal, the finish line of the “game” of sex, so his sexual pleasure is greatly enhanced if he can “score” it. However…it isn’t that simple. For many women orgasm is more like hunting than it is like football; it’s not just a matter of aiming a shot with proper force and accuracy into a static area, but rather of hitting a moving target which may or may not elect to show itself on that occasion…And that’s only speaking of lovers; with clients orgasm is even more elusive, and indeed for some girls never shows its face in a commercial situation at all. But this typical female condition is completely alien to the average man; he just can’t comprehend that the right combination of moves and techniques could through no fault of his own somehow fail to achieve what it was intended to achieve…
There’s another factor to that as well. Remember, the man chooses the escort, not vice-versa; furthermore, the session must revolve around what will please him…which is not necessarily what will please her. Cunnilingus is a perfect example; in common with many men you love giving it, and in common with more women than you probably think (especially among escorts) I don’t like it very much. Some women, in fact, hate it with a purple passion. So, what’s an escort who’s there to provide a good time supposed to do when a guy says he loves it? Tell him the truth if she hates it? Of course not; it would ruin the whole experience for him. As a rule, whores can’t stand it when clients keep harping on the “I want to please you” thing, because it can make it a lot harder for us to do our jobs. What if she’s a size queen and he’s average? What if she likes being pounded very hard and he’s too overweight or short-winded to accomplish that? What if she’s kind of submissive and a man refusing to lead is actually a turn-off? What if she’s primarily lesbian? What if she’s just anorgasmic and isn’t going to climax no matter what he does?
A sex worker is a kind of entertainer; she is there to provide a kind of interactive show for you. It is, ultimately, an illusion; it no more matters how she “really” feels, or what she “really” likes, or whether she is “really” excited, than it matters that Penn and Teller aren’t “really” making things vanish or appear or transmogrify into something else. That analogy is useful in another way as well: Obsessively concentrating on minor physiological cues of arousal and worrying that you aren’t truly pleasing your hooker is like going to a magician’s show and concentrating so much on “catching” the trickery that you can’t enjoy the performance you paid top dollar for. Just sit back, relax, and let your entertainer entertain you…and if you can’t, I respectfully suggest that this particular art may simply not be to your liking.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
“Being paid for sex is a turn-on for me”
This is true for me as well. Maybe that’s what lead us into, and to stay with sex work.
Some men don’t get that a woman can have a perfectly swell time during sex, even if she doesn’t orgasm. It isn’t necessary the way it is for a man. It’s NICE to be sure, and the fact that he makes an effort is appreciated, but it can be hot and satisfying even without a climax.
Longtime lurker, first-time commenter. Hi 🙂
Yeah, but can you fool your husband? Other women can fool me, but not my wife. i know her too well. Then again, she probably only has average “faking skills” and isn’t as practiced as you.
Female sexual response … I had an old girlfriend – I could give her head for hours and hit every erogenous zone on her body and she would still be as dry as a popcorn fart.
However – one day I just gave up and she eagerly started oral on me. I counted to ten – and felt her … within ten seconds she was as wet as the Amazon. This was a consistent response with her – happened every time and our foreplay consisted of nothing but her giving me oral. She got off on me getting off.
When I learned this about her – that’s when I understood that female sexual response is not universal … not everything works with every woman … and even things that you would THINK would work (like cunnilingus) don’t work with every woman.
I have never given my ATF an orgasm and she’s too honest to fake it. It doesn’t bother me one bit. I know she’s enjoying the time with me because I’m a gentleman and I always pay her in excess of what her normal rate is. That’s the key to satisfying call girls – if you really want to satisfy them – it’s not an orgasm they want it’s a clean and respectful client with a good sense of humor and a thick donation envelope.
For me too. I have to give a bit counterweight to Maggie’s statement about cunillingus- I love it, I need it to get really aroused (at least if a man knows how to do it, which fortunately many do). Most women I know like it, but of course not all. Many escorts probably dislike it because they don’t want to and can’t focus on their own pleasure. I’m always amazed how some men don’t get that IT’S A JOB, and if the escort would do what she really likes, in many cases there would be no sex (and no, that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong to still have sex with her, as long as you respect the boundaries she sets). I mostly enjoy sex with my clients, although I’m probably an exception since I’m not dependant on the money and can be as choosy as I like. However, there’s one thing many men do wrong: Rough and insensitive fingering. If a client wants to “please” me by scratching my most sensitive body parts- no thanks. And from my conversations with other escorts, I’m not alone with this. Some even don’t allow fingering because of that. Guys, be careful with your fingernails, whether you want to please a woman or just have the illusion of pleasing her.
>> I’m always amazed how some men don’t get that IT’S A JOB
Sina, when I’m with a really skilled escort she makes it seem so nice and desirable and natural that it doesn’t seem like she’s doing a job at all. However I never forget that she is actually doing a job.
It’s funny, because with my job, everyone expects that I’m supposed to love every aspect of the job all the time. (In my line of work, if you don’t profess to love it people start to look at you like you aren’t “a team player.” In fact, you often feel that you aren’t supposed to complain about such trivialities as salary or benefits, since you are just doing your job out of pure love.) However, there is a big difference between corporate jobs and independent tradeswomen, I suppose.
I’ve only met a few escorts I think didn’t like their work, and I didn’t spend much time or money with them. They weren’t very good at it, they probably should have found something else to do, but I guess they got enough clients to keep going anyway.
I think there is a parallel between your job and escorting. If you don’t claim to love your job all the time, love every aspect of it (especially sex) then it’s “see, I told you prostitution is bad, you have to quit, exploitation etc.” I don’t mean to say that most escorts don’t like their job- even if one doesn’t enjoy the sex most of the time, there are other positive aspects one can like about it.
Well, I’m very aware of the fact that escorting is a good way to make money, so I can see women sticking at it if they have no other way to make a good living, even if they really dislike it. In fact, to me, this is one of the big things missing from the debate. Not only can’t you raise a family by working in (for example) a fast food restaurant, you can barely take care of yourself in such a job. I learned over time that escorts actually make a decent living, comparable to other professional jobs.
Yet, when the subject comes up, it’s always “well these women should do something else.” If you respond with, “like what?” The answers come back with fanciful ideas about the modern economy that haven’t been true for decades, if they ever were true. Maggie’s pointed out that women making good living in the trade in countries like Cambodia are expected to be happy to give it up to earn starvation wages in Hellish sweatshop conditions. It’s not much different for the women in North America. Someone recently seriously suggested “dog walking” in a Globe and Mail article. ” I’d likely end up talking the ladies into attending night school, or walking my dog for a nominal fee.” (Notice the author says nominal fee, I guess Baby will have to do without food because Mommy needs to be a virtuous dog walker rather than a well paid harlot.) Incidentally, this article is the perfect encapsulation of end demand, “Men, stop seeing escorts and let them get bad, but virtuous, jobs as dog walkers. Those women don’t need luxuries like decent housing or a savings account anyway.”
I don’t want to be thought to be like the above idiot. So, when I say escorts who obviously hate sex with their clients should do something else, I’m thinking more along the lines of pro-domme work or adult modeling.
Of course, if they are making enough money doing a job they hate, and don’t want to change, I guess I can just say, “Welcome to the club.” 🙂 I’m the last person to tell someone to stop doing a job they hate that pays the bills.
Note: Referenced (above idiot) is Amberley McAteer of the Globe and Mail, and not anyone commenting on Maggie’s article. I actually hate calling people idiots (it implies intelligence in me, which I’d then have to back up with correct spelling and grammar), but I actually think Amberley is being an idiot on purpose because sex work creeps her out, so it’s warranted.
As far as faking orgasms: most of the escorts I’ve been with have been honest enough not to fake it. I’m in my mid 50’s and have chronic health problems and it can take a beautiful, younger lady doing everything just right up to an hour to get me to orgasm, so what chance do I have to get the lady to orgasm? As far as I can tell I think there might have been one woman that actually had an orgasm in the years I’ve been doing this. When a lady tells me she had an orgasm I figure she’s faking it but I appreciate that she’s trying to make me feel better.
The erection of the labia minora is a fairly obvious indication of some degree of arousal. This can be seen quite clearly even in nude photo shoots and unlikely to be faked. I’ve done a lot of nude photography, and often about midway through the session when the model is relaxing and the poses are more intimate many models do get visibly aroused.
Nipples on the other hand often depend on the temperature of the studio or some ice or a chilly piece of metal. Most professional nude models will provide erect nipples on (polite) request via a quick pinch.
In bed, having the lady fake arousal and pleasure excessively or badly can be a (minor) irritant as well.
As a base line I’m happy if she’s relaxed, cheerful and honestly trying to please. Orgasms, real or faked I consider icing on the cake.
Maggie wrote:
Whose art, as Coleridge in 1817 wrote of the poet’s art, is “… to transfer from our inward nature a human interest and a semblance of truth sufficient to procure … that willing suspension of disbelief for the moment, which constitutes poetic faith.”
Just sit back, relax, and let your entertainer entertain you
Okay, I now have a picture in my head of Robbie Williams singing “let meeeee entertain you!” in a short dress, hold ups, and heels. No, there’s no need to thank me for putting that image in your head as well.
If the worker you have hired cannot provide service you prefer, pick another one next time. It’s that simple. No biggie, no foul – that’s just the way it is.
“…the erection of a small, thickly-hooded or recessed clitoris is very difficult to detect without closer inspection than most guys will attempt.”
Great post as usual, but here’s a difficult question:
A few days ago there were numerous highly illegal photos on the web showing a young girl with a huge clitoral erection. (The images disappeared within 24 hours, as usual.) You couldn’t avoid seeing it, even from a distance and even without her legs spread. How do you explain that?
I read Maggie’s phrase as “if the clitoris is small, thickly-hooded or recessed, it’s going to take…” In the case you’re talking about, it seems the clitoris is none of the three.
Different people are built differently. The Hottentot Venus, Sarah Baartman, was displayed because while her sexual characteristics were normal among her tribe, they were considered fascinating and unusual by Europeans. (Although I suspect some of those Europeans just used “science!” as an excuse to view a hot naked lady.)
I don’t understand your question. This girl’s clitoris was obviously neither small nor recessed nor thickly-hooded, so I’m not sure what you’re asking me to explain.
Thanks for your reply. What I’m asking is: Why is a clitoris small? A small clitoris may be statistically normal in a culture where girls are often mentally castrated, but that doesn’t explain how it can be that some clitoral erections are very big.
Greedy surgeons have traditionally called a large clitoris “clitoromegaly,” as an excuse to cut it down to “normal” size at a fee. But that sounds suspiciously like mothers in the Third World cutting off the tip of their daughter’s clitoris to “improve fertility.”
My hypothesis of Clitoral Erectile Dysfunction describes the well-known physiological mechanism of neural atrophy in the brain due to lack of stimulation of an organ (e.g. a clit?) during development.
I’m now studying a possible local effect of prolonged lack of stimulation; i.e. decreased vascularization of the local tissue, leading to increased risk of ischemia and local nerve damage. A possible reason why the immature clitoris doesn’t grow and may even become stunted over time.
Some men are hung big. Some men are hung small. Most men are hung average, which is why it’s average.
What’s true of the penis is likely true of the clitoris, though not at the same scale, and there are likely to be other minor differences (it’s not, after all, a penis).
In a different post you mentioned that one of your clients was a very perceptive Indian shaman. He was so perceptive that he noticed several very faint scars and accurately guessed/deduced their origin. He also noticed that you adapted an oral sex technique used in lesbian sex to heterosexual sex. Do you think he could accurately deduce whether or not you or other escorts actually orgasmed?