If I can’t sell it, I’m gonna sit down on it.
Why should I give it away?
Now darling if you want it,
You got to buy it.
And I mean just what I say. – Andy Razaf and W. Alexander Hill
I honestly didn’t think I’d be doing another hooker song column so soon, but several of you made such good suggestions after my last one, and then Tits and Sass visited the subject on the 13th and regular reader B.B. Wye emailed me on the 8th about a song he wrote and recorded, so I think the Universe is telling me that it’s time. Our title comes courtesy of Feminist Whore, who posted the lyrics and video on her site and in this comment. Amazing Susan suggested Bob Seger’s “Main Street”, which is an awesome song but I didn’t use it today because it’s technically about a stripper, and Rapid suggested the sea chanty “A Whale of a Tale” which was performed by Kirk Douglas in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea; unfortunately Disney changed the third verse so Harpoon Hannah was a hag rather than a whore, so it didn’t make the cut! The first one which did is from Bruce Hornsby and the Range and was suggested by Krulac:
Down the Road Tonight (Bruce and John Hornsby)
There’s a place
A local roadside shack
A poor man’s Paris with parking in the back.
There’s a girl there
She knows how to unwind
She don’t talk much but she knows just how to act.
I said – Don’t tell me she don’t love me,
The money’s just a mere formality.
(refrain) Every day, every night
Something’s going on, something’s going on
Down the road over yonder.
Any place, any time when I’m fading
My love lies waiting
Down the road tonight.
When I was younger
All the older boys
Would drive me way out past the county fairground.
They’d laugh and point out
This roadside trailer
And say something wild’s going on over there.
They said – What they’re doing
Don’t mean nothing to you now
But someday it’ll mean everything.
(refrain)
There were movies in the parlor
They were dealing one-eyed jacks
And when I said I loved her
She said – Just keep coming back.
(refrain)
Like the characters in several other songs we’ve seen in previous columns, Hornsby’s sensitive, lonely young man is in love with a whore and would rather not believe that her feelings toward him are purely commercial. B.B. Wye’s character clearly has a healthier attitude toward his favorite working girls, seeing them as friends rather than lovers:
Midtown Asian Sex Spa (B.B. Wye)
You’ve got the number to call,
It’s not the one they advertise
The minute she opens the door,
You know it’s gonna be all right
She takes your hand and leads you
To a room all aglow
She’s gonna spread you out in halting English
And wash you tip to toe
(refrain) How come you’re all so super sweet and nice and super sweet and fun
How come you’re all so super sweet and super nice and sweet and fun
Oh, you’re so super sweet and fun and sweet and nice
How come you’re all so super sweet and super fun and sweet and nice
Oh, Bibi, Suki, Mimi, Kim! I can’t wait to see my friends
At the Midtown Asian sex spa, the Midtown Asian sex spa
The Midtown Asian sex spa again
Naked and all squeaky clean,
On a towel on a spread on a bed
You wait for her quiet return —
This is where it all has led
The table shower just a hint
Of wonders to come
That was funny that time when Cici came in
With a big, bright “Honey, I’m home!”
(refrain)
Her smile, a little bit sly,
Sends me out into the city sun
Her eyes shimmer and shine
With pride in a job well done
Well, maybe I’m just old and vain
Or old, vain and old
I think she guesses how her generosity
Touches my soul
(refrain)
Of course, not all prostitutes are as professional as Wye’s massage girls; Joni Mitchell’s character in our next selection (suggested by reader Joe Bar) is obviously a ne’er-do-well who has turned to hooking because she isn’t any good at anything else:
Raised on Robbery (Joni Mitchell)
He was sitting in the lounge of the Empire Hotel
He was drinking for diversion
He was thinking for himself
A little money riding on the Maple Leafs
Along comes a lady in lacy sleeves
She says let me sit down
You know, drinkin’ alone’s a shame
It’s a shame it’s a crying shame
Look at those jokers
Glued to that damn hockey game
Hey honey-you’ve got lots of cash
Bring us round a bottle
And we’ll have some laughs
Gin’s what I’m drinking
I was raised on robbery
I’m a pretty good cook
I’m sitting on my groceries
Come up to my kitchen
I’ll show you my best recipe
I try and I try but I can’t save a cent
I’m up after midnight cooking
Trying to make my rent
I’m rough but I’m pleasin’
I was raised on robbery
We had a little money once
They were pushing through a four lane highway
Government gave us three thousand dollars
You should have seen it fly away
First he bought a ’57 Biscayne
He put it in the ditch
He drunk up all the rest
That son of a bitch
His blood’s bad whiskey
I was raised on robbery
You know you ain’t bad looking
I like the way you hold your drinks
Come home with me honey
I ain’t asking for no full length mink
Hey, where you going
Don’t go yet
Your glass ain’t empty and we just met
You’re mean when your loaded
I was raised on robbery
Because of the lively tempo and light treatment, what could be a hard-luck story instead comes across as comical and upbeat; one gets the feeling that whatever setbacks she may encounter, Mitchell’s “rough but pleasing” lady will continue to muddle through somehow. The song was first recorded in 1973, the same year as the movie version of Jesus Christ Superstar was released; as I’ve pointed out before, Rice’s lyrics follow the traditional portrayal of Mary Magdalene as a harlot, and in this song Judas takes exception with the way Jesus favors her:
Strange Thing Mystifying (Tim Rice)
Judas: It seems to me a strange thing, mystifying
That a man like you can waste his time on women of her kind.
Yes, I can understand that she amuses
But to let her kiss you, stroke your hair – that’s hardly in your line.
It’s not that I object to her profession,
But she doesn’t fit in well with what you teach and say.
It doesn’t help us if you’re inconsistent;
They only need a small excuse to put us all away.
Jesus: Who are you to criticize her?
Who are you to despise her?
Leave her, leave her, let her be now
Leave her, leave her, she’s with me now
If your slate is clean, then you can throw stones;
If your slate is not, then leave her alone!
I actually prefer the original version with Murray Head as Judas and Ian Gillian with Jesus; the words of that one are very slightly different but they don’t change the meaning.
While our last lady isn’t strictly a prostitute, she’s obviously a serious gold digger, and that’s close enough to justify it at this time of year:
Santa Baby (J. Javits and P. Springer )
Santa Baby, just slip a sable under the tree,
For me.
Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa baby, a ‘54 convertible too,
Light blue.
I’ll wait up for you dear, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.
Think of all the fun I’ve missed,
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed,
Next year I could be just as good,
If you’ll check off my Christmas list.
Santa baby, I wanna yacht, and really that’s not
A lot.
Been an angel all year, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa honey, there’s one more thing I really do need,
The deed
To a platinum mine, Santa honey,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex,
And checks.
Sign your ‘X’ on the line, Santa cutie,
And hurry down the chimney tonight.
Come and trim my Christmas tree,
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s,
I really do believe in you,
Let’s see if you believe in me.
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,
A ring.
I don’t mean on the phone, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry, tonight.
Thanks for all the suggestions; if this keeps up I reckon we’ll be seeing another column like this in January!
One Year Ago Today
“Pam” is the story of the simply awful woman who owned the first escort service I ever worked for.
(This is not so much a comment on this particular post as it is to your whole blog. )
Your blog is aptly named, not only is it refreshingly frank and clear-sighted (I suppose I should not be surprised that it takes an expert in delivering fantasies to see the unvarnished truth.), it is certainly a worthy heiress to its renaissance origin, erudite and entertaining as it is!
I want to say “Thank you!” from the bottom of my… well, brain, actually! I have been reading a lot of your post in the last few days (desperately trying to clear my RSS-backlog) and there has not been a single one that has not taught me something new, expanded my vocabulary and/or made me reexamine my worldview. You have earned my greatest respect. There is nothing better than a well-articulated argument that makes my perspective shift like an multi-stable optical illusion!
Also, while I have considered myself a (classical) liberal (Libertarian, even) as long as I can remember, I have always had trouble endorsing feminism. I always found it to be a hodge-podge of pseudo-scientific clap-trap, male-bashing and suspiciously anti-female messages. Most “feminist” calls to action sounded more like running to daddy Government to get the mean boy spanked than any sort of female empowerment. I have kept quiet about it though, assuming that I just was not “modern” or “liberal” enough, after all.
Now I realise where the problem really lies, the public arena in Sweden is completely hijacked by Neofeminists (as you define them)! It was not until I started reading this blog that I understood just what was wrong. (Tell a lie enough times…) The real feminism, Archeofeminism as you call it, I have no problems defending!
I honestly think you have done more to change my thinking, making me more decent towards, and appreciative of, women, while at the same time stop apologising for being a man (and realising that this is not a contradiction), than any other single source I have encountered. Thank you.
After clearing my backlog, I cut down my subscriptions to just half a dozen feeds. Naturally, The Honest Courtesan made the grade! I look forward to the daily intellectual intercourse. And I don’t even have to pay… 😉
Wow, Paul, I don’t know what to say except, thank you and you’re welcome! Reading testimonials like yours really lets me know I’m doing something important here, and that it’s all worthwhile. 🙂
Thanks for including the Bruce Hornsby song! 🙂
It’s on my playlist and I listen to it every morning in the gym.
It means something to me personally. When I was a single Sailor on submarines, I really liked being a submariner and I really liked devoting my time to the boat. I didn’t have a lot dates from “civilian” women, because back in those days – the only women who were interested in Sailors were the ones who were looking for “bad boys” or those who were “rebelling” against something or wanted to “slum” with a Sailor. Back then … it was “Sailors, Dogs and Whores” and that was the social caste I was in.
Soooo … when I had time, since I was stationed in Pearl Harbor – I would ride a bike down to the Pearl City Health Spa, usually on the day after pay day – because that was the only time I had the money. Every time she saw me ride up on my bike, the receptionist would say … “There comes that big Jethro boy again!”
There was only one girl I was interested in seeing … and her name was “Michelle”. She was young, like me – same age. The first time I saw her she said the price was “75 chickens” … it was all I could afford but it only got me 30 minutes. 🙁
For, maybe two years, I was a regular, and I even started saving a bit more money and could pay her $200 a visit (I would save money whenever we were out at sea especially to visit her). That didn’t buy me quite an hour and a half – but she would devote that much time to me for that amount. After the sessions we’d just lay there and talk for like an hour about anything.
I definitely fell in love with her – but I knew she was doing it for the money, though she probably enjoyed the friendship and I don’t think I was an unpleasant customer for her either physically or in the way I behaved, and I was definitely easy to please. She eventually moved to Guam (I think she got married but she never told me that). I was kind of crushed when she left. I sure hope that life has treated her as nicely as she treated me all those times.
Anyway … “Down the Road Tonight” makes me think of her every time I hear it.
Krulac, thank you so much for sharing that story; I really feel the client viewpoint adds a lot to this site and helps counter the wicked neofeminist “all clients hate women” cant.
Maggie,
Anyone who says that clients hate women obviously has no experience with or clue about the fantasy world you and I know. I have met two women in the biz about whom I care deeply and esteem as highly as anyone in the whole world. They are beautiful, intelligent, funny, ambitious, and just plain good-hearted. There is one in particular that still makes me occasionally think, “Were I not married, . . .”
And I agree with PaulRein that you are doing valuable work. Keep it up!
Thank you, Bobby! 🙂
It was FAR from hate, Maggie. I was spending all my time on the boat and even weekends. There were no women on submarines and I have never been able to substitute a male friendship for a female one. I’m from, Mississippi … I was in Hawaii and knew NO ONE really. Occasionally I could go into Waikiki and get “lucky” with a tourist … but it was always a “one night” thing. Sometimes I had to lie about being a Sailor because the girls didn’t like Sailors. One night I met a girl who bad mouthed “military men” to me and said she’d never spend five minutes with one because they only want “one thing” (she didn’t know I was a Sailor – but I told her I was one – THE NEXT MORNING!).
Michelle was the only stable relationship I had for this time period – even though I paid her for it. Sure, we had sex – but that didn’t take long and the rest of the sessions were she and I just laying around talking about life – or telling jokes to each other. The sad thing is … I really enjoyed my time with her and she had an influence on my life and who I am today – but I can never tell ANYONE about her – even though I was single at the time and, I’m sure she was too.
Krulac,
I’m glad to see another man discussing how he was deeply affected (positively) by his “relationship” (as Amanda Brooks uses the term) with a call girl. A lot of it IS about the sex, but there can be much more to it than that. In the end, I think both parties involved would much rather be intimate with someone they actually like, and just because it is paid companionship does not mean it is not real companionship.
Well I’ve commented before here on the symbiotic relationship between Hookers and Sailors.
You know – this Kristoff guy can be damned but he’s never spent 100 days underwater smelling nothing but testosterone and sweat. The first time I did that – we pulled back into port and a woman came walking down the pier. It was not a sexual feeling I got when I saw her. I actually thought … “what a strange creature” and then the familiarity of the form returned to me and I just felt warmth – just from seeing her.
I can’t speak for all men and I’m certainly no experienced “punter” … but whenever I, or any of my sub buddies visited whorehouses (and we did it all over the pacific) … we weren’t doing it to “dominate” women. We didn’t do it because we hated women. We did it because it was the most efficient and expeditious, hassle free way to be close to ONE HALF of the human existence – femininity. We did it for the smell of a woman … and to feel the warmth of her body … and to hear the distinctly different pitch of her voice.
Now – back in the early 80’s – when we pulled into Australia we never saw the inside of a brothel because the Oz girls threw themselves at us – and their parents, including their Dad’s would pimp them to us (not for money – they wanted son-in-laws and grandkids). Surreal – we had a “dial a Sailor” line going 24/7 piped to the control room of the sub and women would dial up and order a Sailor. Some would get VERY specific with requests – like physical attributes or race, or whatever. It was enough to make you think the “myth of the wonton” was no myth. Had Maggie MacNeil been there – she’d have wondered if it was Heinlein novel about some alternate universe.
It’s not that way any more in Oz.
But that was the only place it was like that and we didn’t go there much. Usually we ended up pulling into some shit hole like Bahrain, or some place where no one spoke English and looked upon Sailors like unwashed barbarian hordes … like Japan. In those places – your only option was to seek out the services of a pro.
Sorry if this been already mentioned…….
Nickleback
Shakin’ Hands
Hey, hey
She had her eyes on the prize as the girl next door
You grow up quick when you grow up poor
It’s the only way to LA that she knows
The Hollywood pose, teeth, tits, and drawers
Didn’t take her long to leave the boulevard
So many five star friends with black credit cards
She’d try anythin’ once ’cause anythin’ goes
It never comes easy when you’re diggin’ for gold
Hey, hey
Well, she ain’t no Cinderella when she’s gettin’ undressed
‘Cause she rocks it like the naughty wicked witch of the west
Far too pretty to be givin’ it cheap
That’s why she’s makin’ six figures workin’ three days a week
Yeah, she’d even break a promise in the promised land
She didn’t make it this far by just shakin’ hands
She’d shake her money maker twice as hard as anyone can
She didn’t make it this far by just shakin’ hands
Hey, hey
I doubt she’d even let the devil buy her little black book
City hall would probably fall off if anyone got a look
Every A list player is a favorite friend
Says they all taste the same in the back of a vans
A congressman would call her every once in a while
Got the school girl skirt on the top of the pile
She’s done everyone once and everyone knows
You gotta get a little dirty when you’re diggin’ for gold
Hey, hey
Well, she ain’t no Cinderella when she’s gettin’ undressed
‘Cause she rocks it like the naughty wicked witch of the west
Far too pretty to be givin’ it cheap
That’s why she’s makin’ six figures workin’ three days a week
Yeah, she’d even break a promise in the promised land
She didn’t make it this far by just shakin’ hands
She’d shake her money maker twice as hard as anyone can
She didn’t make it this far by just shakin’ hands
Well, someone spilled the beans and now her name’s in the press
Tough to keep it all a secret when you’re one of the best
The judge is goin’ easy ’cause he paid for her chest
Yeah, he loves his little naughty wicked witch of the west
Far to pretty to be givin’ it cheap
That’s why she’s makin’ six figures workin’ three days a week
Yeah, she’d even break a promise in the promised land
She didn’t make it this far by just shakin’ hands
She’d shake her money maker twice as hard as anyone can
She didn’t make it this far by just shakin’ hands
She’d shake her money maker twice as hard as anyone can
She didn’t make it this far by just shakin’ hands
Hey Maggie, thanks so much for posting my song! I do hope your readers will follow the links (www.reverbnation.com/bbwye) and take a listen — most people seem to like it!
You’re very welcome, B.B; I’m always glad to share sex-work-positive art! 🙂
The Mercury song in your very first post on this topic is the best. Coincidence for me is that the very first morning I woke up knowing what this was all about, my alarm clock was playing WMMR, and they were playing the Mercury song “It’s Late”. I’ll have to schedule that song sometime at home.
If you mean Freddy Mercury, that was my second column on the topic; my first one was the two-part “A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody” over a month earlier. 🙂
The other stereotype is that whores hate their customers, find them disgusting. That’s not true either, or at least, never was for me. I met some great men.
I’ve not seen mention of Reba McEntire’s Fancy…I miss country music that wasn’t afraid of being controversial (well beyond sucking up to Neocons, yeah, Toby Keith, looking at you). (would post lyrics but then this would get a little long of a post). Iron Maiden had a couple about “Charlotte The Harlot”..then there’s also the Drive-by Trucker’s “Birthday Boy”. Not quite sure how you’d take that one.
Sublime’s “Wrong Way” kinda sorta is about prostitution and one I figure you won’t like the lyrics of at all. Their “Chica de Tipo” definitely is about prostitution. Tom Wait’s “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” would be another (although probably mentioned at some point). The Ramones had 53rd and 3rd. (kinda an unorganized list I know, but I’m hopping around my music collection and trying to remember song lyrics). Everlast’s “What it’s like” makes mention. Jack Johnson’s Taylor, and I’m pretty sure an Offspring song or two but that’s too many to shift through right now.
I think I remember hearing “Jane Says” was about a prostitute, but with Perry Ferral.
Can you tell I came of age in the 90s yet?
I seem to vaguely remember a lot of folk, bluegrass, and /old/ country songs that at the very least hint at it, but that portion of my music collection was destroyed by a hurricane, and I’m failing to remember much beyond “Unfortunate Rake” but prostitution only played a small role in that and I don’t think any major artist has ever recorded it…
Ah well, getting long winded here.
It was the very first song in my very first column on this subject. 🙂
Ah, well then forgive me. I’ve not made my way quite that far back in the archives yet.
That second song is kind of, well, super sweet and nice and super sweet and fun. I liked it.
Joni Mitchell has also done a song called “The Magdalene Laundries.” I know what those were because of your post on Mary Magdalene.
At least Eartha Kitt’s gold digger is honest about what she wants (making her somewhat hooker-like after all). Then again, the lines
“Think of all the fun I’ve missed,
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed,
Next year I could be just as good,
If you’ll check off my Christmas list.”
make her almost an anti-whore: she thinks she should be paid for not having sex.
And “Midtown Asian Sex Spa” was just super sweet and super nice and sweet and fun.
I think we have to consider Kitt’s character as a sugar baby; her “goodness” consists of fidelity to her “Santa”.