We hear only those questions for which we are in a position to find answers. – Friedrich Nietzsche
It’s time once again for me to answer reader questions! If you have one of your own, please email it to me and I’ll be happy to answer you to the best of my ability.
I wondered could you give me a quick definition of archeofeminism and how it differs from neofeminism?
What I call “archeofeminism” is the exact opposite of “neofeminism”. “Archeofeminism” (from the Greek “archeo-” meaning “old”) is the recognition that men and women are already socially equal by nature, and the only way in which we become socially unequal is by the actions of laws. Archeofeminists recognize that men and women are by our very natures different; we think differently, act differently and want different things, so though it’s good for a society to say “individuals can pursue whatever path they like,” it’s stupid to expect that large numbers of women will ever want to act and live like men, and forcing people to pretend otherwise is tyranny.
“Neofeminism” (from the Greek “neo-” meaning “new”) is the belief that there are no natural behavioral differences between the sexes and that all gender (other than genital dimorphism) is “socially constructed”. Neofeminists believe that if infant boys were “socialized” in the same way as girls they would act exactly like girls, even into manhood. Furthermore, since neofeminists don’t believe in sex differences they believe the female standard of behavior is the only “right” one, and that male behavior is therefore pathological. Paradoxically, they also believe that power systems arising from natural male behaviors (such as corporate and professional hierarchies and externalized validation) are preferable to less competitive female norms, and that women “should” seek externalized achievement, competition and validation as men do. The upshot of all this is that they advocate the brutal legal suppression of all traditional gendered behavior, whether public or private; they believe that women who make their livings by traditional female paths such as sex work or marriage should be forced into male-like careers, and that sex should be entirely controlled by the state so as to promote neofeminist ideas of “equality”. Ultimately, most of them would probably like to see the development of parthenogenesis so that men can be entirely eradicated.
Since you’re a former sex worker and current wife I’m interested in your take on the “Obedient Wives Club”, a bunch of wives who blame high divorce rates and the like on wives not satisfying their husbands. They’re obviously a fringe group, but I get the sense they’re getting at something real. How many husbands with neo-feminist influenced wives are unhappy?
In some aspects of their beliefs they’re in the general vicinity of something real, while in others they’re pretty distant. It’s obviously a dramatic overstatement to claim that “all” male-female issues are the fault of rebellious wives; if couples took the trouble to find out what each needed from the other and to clearly set forth their expectations and make honest compromises and realistic promises, there would be a lot fewer unhappy marriages. IMHO a lot of the dissatisfaction and unhappiness of modern women derives from neofeminist teachings, specifically the ones which concentrate on a woman’s “rights” in a marriage while pretending that the man has none, the denial that relationship sex is transactional, and the refusal to accept that most men are by nature dominant and tend to feel unhappy and restless if they feel their lives are out of control. A wife who constantly argues about everything and insists that even the smallest details of domestic arrangements be negotiated (except for sex, over which she retains absolute control) is going to make her husband miserable…and usually herself as well.
I’m sure you’ve read about how transsexuals and closeted homosexuals are usually unhappy as teenagers; they have far higher suicide rates than other adolescents and their early relationships are nearly always troubled. Why? Because they’re trying to be something they’re not. When one is forced by social pressure to conform to a mode of behavior at odds with one’s guts, one is bound to be miserable and to make others miserable as well. Certainly there are some women who really do prefer to “wear the pants” in a relationship, or who really do enjoy discussing everything to death, but the majority of women are unconsciously disappointed when their husbands allow them to run all over them, and it rots the relationship from within. This is because most women are attracted to strength and competence in men, and find male weakness and submissiveness repulsive. The neofeminists claim that’s due to “social construction of gender”, but tell that to lions, bears, elephants and most other mammals. Most women who try to convince themselves that they don’t want a strong man, and indeed tell every man within earshot the same thing, are miserable if they get what they claim to want and miserable if they don’t because their minds and their spirits are going north and south. This does not mean I believe this club is right in espousing unquestioning obedience; though some women can handle that sort of relationship and even thrive in it, it isn’t for everyone. Most women absolutely do want their voices to be heard and their wishes considered; they just don’t want a spineless wimp.
For the sexual part, they’re pretty close to the mark, though they again assign too much weight to the woman’s behavior. Men crave sexual variety, so even if a wife gives a man everything he wants in bed he may still stray, and if he does so she had better hope he goes to one of those prostitutes the club hopes to drive out of business rather than some available bit of amateur tail. I do think that most men’s need for variety can be satisfied by sexual experimentation and fantasy inside the marriage, though, and that a wife who gives a husband what he wants in bed as often as he wants it, dramatically increases the chance for a happy, fulfilling marriage for both parties.
I haven’t had very many sexual relationships in my life, and have become so used to masturbation that I can’t have orgasms with other people. I would very much like to be able to orgasm with my girlfriend, but haven’t been able to yet; do you think that a professional sex worker could teach me to have an orgasm with a partner?
I think it’s certainly possible that an experienced pro might be able to teach you, but of course it depends on your finding the right one. I suspect your problem might be due to performance anxiety, which means a man worrying that he won’t do a good job, that his partner will be unsatisfied or even look down on him (especially if he climaxes too quickly). Men who suffer from this worry so much that they often can’t climax at all, which is much worse than coming quickly! The main cause of the problem (which is far more common than it used to be) is that men are constantly bombarded with the ridiculous idea that women just want to be pounded for hours, and that if the man orgasms too quickly the woman is angry. While in many cases that may be true to a degree, what men think is “too quickly” and what is really too quickly are two different things; as long as a man can keep going for five minutes, that’s plenty for most girls no matter what porn tells you (especially if he gives her plenty of foreplay). Many women can’t even achieve orgasm from intercourse at all, and for those oral or manual stimulation is much more important than an interminable simulation of a piston in a cylinder.
The reason a good pro might help is that you don’t have to care about her satisfaction; she is there to help you with YOUR needs, and therefore you can orgasm any time you like without having to worry as you might with a woman you love. It may take a few sessions before you can achieve orgasm with an escort, and you’ll have to decide for yourself whether several sessions with one girl or with different girls might be better (my instinct is toward the latter because you don’t really want to get too comfortable with one woman; the idea is for her to be a stranger). If I’m right, once you are able to orgasm with a woman you should be able to achieve it with your girlfriend because the mental block will be broken. It’s certainly worth a try, and if it doesn’t work you can always try a sex therapist. The most important thing is that you don’t get discouraged; if your anxieties are causing the problem, the more you worry the worse it will get.