Whenever I call upon a woman I never fail to take with me a little whip. – Friedrich Nietzsche
Well, I’ve already talked about my bisexuality and the fact that being paid for sex excites me, so I might as well complete my confessional and admit that I’m terribly turned on by being tied up, and always have been. In my column of July 28th I mentioned that certain situations on TV made me feel “funny”, but that nobody else seemed affected; that’s because most of those situations involved bondage. Most people seem able to watch a scene of a woman being tied up without sexual arousal, but not me; watching girls being captured by bandits, carried off by monsters or chained and collared as slaves did it for me as well. Of course when I was four I had no idea what sex was and could not possibly have connected it to bondage even if I had; the recognition of the “funny feelings” as sexual did not come until I was about 12. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying the part of the damsel in distress in neighborhood make-believe games; somehow I usually managed to be the girl who was carried off or captured by the bad guys and had to be rescued. And if I was lucky they had rope handy and would really tie me to a tree or chair!
By the time I turned 17 I had discovered that if a man held my wrists down during sex it really got me going, so the first time a trusted boyfriend asked if he could tie me up I obviously agreed with great enthusiasm. That in turn led to blindfolds, gags, handcuffs, dominance and submission games and even spanking and whipping; though pain never really did anything for me, the act of submitting to the whipping was terribly exciting. In other words, it wasn’t the pain which turned me on but the fact that a man had the power to do it to me. Though neofeminists deny it, the fact is that most women are sexually aroused to one degree or another by being dominated by a man in a sexual situation; most male-dominant BDSM is an exaggeration of the normal female impulse rather than something completely different, which is why the rape fantasy is still among the most common of female sexual fantasies. The opposition of neofeminists to BDSM, like their opposition to prostitution, has nothing to do with their self-proclaimed “concern” for women and everything to do with their tired old anti-sex agenda. Neofeminism treats all non-neofeminist women as imbeciles and denies we have the right to make our own sexual choices when those choices conflict with neofeminist dogma. This is, of course, done “for our own good”; funny how often that phrase comes up whenever sex is concerned.
BDSM is a composite umbrella term which includes bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D/s), and sadomasochism (S&M), three different but intertwined and overlapping practices based on the principle of power exchange, the voluntary surrendering of power over one’s person to someone else. Bondage and discipline involves physically restraining the subject with ropes, handcuffs and the like or psychologically restraining her with rules or training enforced with punishment; dominance and submission refers to a master-slave relationship, and sadomasochism refers to the giving and receiving of pain. All three may be present to varying degrees in a BDSM “scene”, and different people are excited to differing degrees by different aspects. As I said above, I am most turned on by bondage and pain does little for me; I’m especially partial to the classic capture scenario, and struggling against a man’s greater strength until he overcomes me has an appeal I cannot possibly overstate. But a friend of mine finds restraint completely unappealing, and instead prefers to be spanked; yet another friend wants to be tied, but only to keep her from escaping a whipping. The subject of BDSM is so wide and complex that it would be ludicrous in the extreme to even attempt more than the sketchiest overview in this format; hundreds of books have been written on the subject, and I direct the curious reader to this overview article in Wikipedia and this online resource guide. My purpose in this column is only to touch on the subject to the limited degree required in order to examine its relationship with harlotry.
The first and most important connection between the two is that, like all variations from the most mundane and “vanilla” form of sex, they are perennial targets of attempts at suppression by bluenoses and control freaks. Like prostitution, BDSM activities are illegal in many jurisdictions despite being practiced by consenting adults, and though practitioners are not targeted as often or as viciously as prostitutes there are exceptions like the UK’s Operation Spanner. Ignorance of both BDSM and prostitution is epidemic among the general public, and the media delights in perpetuating insulting and ridiculous stereotypes of both which tend to reinforce both public prejudice and official persecution. And neofeminists intentionally mischaracterize both as “abuse” or “violations of women’s rights” and deny that adult women have the right to choose either.
But BDSM is abuse, isn’t it? For a man to beat a woman or tie her up or force her to have sex is wrong and illegal, isn’t it? Of course, unless that’s what she wants! Pushing a person out of an airplane constitutes murder, yet many people jump out of airplanes of their own free will every day. The difference is that they freely choose to do so and wear parachutes. The “parachute” in BDSM is called a “safe word”; it’s a word unlikely to come up in normal conversation which the two parties have agreed will mean “stop”. Words like “no” or “stop” can’t be used because they are part of the scene; it turns me on to scream “no, please don’t!” and other such phrases while my husband subdues me and he ignores them because they are not my safe word (which, BTB, I’ve never had to use in 25 years of BDSM participation). Many things, especially in sex, are a good fantasy but a very bad reality; this is because sex derives from a primal, irrational portion of the brain which responds to shadowy, instinctive drives we’ve carried there since before we came down from the trees. A powerful, aggressive male sires powerful, aggressive sons, so the natural female impulse is to respond sexually to such a man, even if her rational brain tells her otherwise; the corresponding male impulse is to overpower and take women sexually, even if morality and sense dictate otherwise. BDSM play is a way to feed those cavewoman and caveman impulses without really hurting anyone, being hurt or breaking any moral or statutory laws. Rape fantasies are the simplest example; many women (including myself) are very aroused by them, and romance novels are full of them. But that does NOT mean any woman (including myself) really wants to be raped! Fantasy rapes are always conducted by a man one really wants anyhow and carry no fear of death or mutilation; real rapes are truly against one’s will and carry the fear of terrible consequences.
It’s not unusual for mild BDSM activity to take place in calls; in my column of August 11th I described a regular I referred to as the Sadist because he was turned on by calling me dirty names, giving vulgar orders and slapping my bottom hard enough to leave handprints for an hour or so. Many clients enjoy holding women down during sex, receiving fellatio in a standing position from a kneeling girl, pulling a whore’s hair during rear-entry sex, and other such mild and safe forms of domination. Less honorable specimens prefer to insult girls on the phone or when they arrive and thereby stimulate themselves while denying the girl income (Barbie seemed to attract this type for some reason; I used to just laugh at them and thereby ruin their thrill).
But all this is tame compared with serious BDSM activity; few escorts dare to cater to bondage scenes because once a strange man has one bound and helpless there is no telling what might happen. Some brothels employ professional submissives, because another girl can be assigned to supervise; Sheila (the redhead from Down Under I’ve mentioned before) worked for a while in the late ‘90s in a brothel in Amsterdam and often performed this guard duty. She told me that she once did this for a whipping session with a Saudi prince; as soon as the girl signified she could take no more, the royal client offered her 100 guilders (roughly $50 US) to let him hit her one more time and she agreed. He then offered it again, and again, and again; though the girl was clearly beyond her limit her greed would not let her refuse and Sheila, realizing the obscenely rich sadist could do this all day, stopped it.
I’ve done mild bondage in two-girl calls if I really trusted the other girl, but only once did I agree to it alone. The client seemed very reasonable and was quite persuasive; he told me all he wanted was to tie me up and then masturbate over me, that it would take less than half an hour, and that I could take any precautions I wished to ensure my safety. The hotel was a very expensive one and I felt comfortable with the offer; my husband agreed to it on the condition that he would be parked outside and would call me at exactly the half-hour mark and come banging on the door if I didn’t answer by the second or third attempt (cell phones being what they are). The client was both nice and incredibly skillful; after he paid me and I stripped, he had me totally hog-tied and helpless in under three minutes. Seriously, I have never seen such speed and precision in knot-tying; I was utterly immobilized yet not in the least uncomfortable, and I was more excited than I had ever been on a call before. As promised, he took under half an hour and was just finished when the ring came; what followed was actually very amusing because he had to answer for me and hold the phone against my face after pulling the gag from my mouth! Needless to say, I could barely wait to get home and let my husband have his way with me.
I’ve limited myself today to talking only about male-dominant BDSM, which is much more common in the general population because it derives directly from biological impulses and often appears in the subtle forms we’ve discussed above. The media, however, prefers to concentrate on the rarer female-dominant variety precisely because it does go against the norm of male-female sexual roles and is therefore more lurid and titillating to the public. But though it is less common in noncommercial settings it’s far more common in commercial ones, for reasons we will explore tomorrow.
“watching girls being captured by bandits, carried off by monsters or chained and collared as slaves did it for me as well. ”
Amen!
Although I discovered that heavier BDSM did nothing for me on its own. And that with a man who truly turns me on, holding my hands down is all I need for an amazing intensity – and if a man doesn’t turn me on, no chains or bondage or blindfold really add anything.
Absolutely! I could never let my ex-husband “Jack” dominate me because he simply didn’t have what it took. 🙁
This of course explains the popularity of tentacle porn.
I only really became aware of BDSM as a result of seeing the movie “Secretary” and was curious enough to buy a book on the subject. However, I was still left with some questions:
1) how many such relationships exist inside a sexual relationship/marriage, or are these rare?
2)While men from time to time are revealed in the press as regularly visiting a dominatrix (or dominatrices), do many women have a secret Master/Slave relationship? In the case of a man, revelations about his “secret” life usually lead to a break-up of his marriage so I wonder how many women would risk this happening?
I would suspect that male-dominant BDSM relationships are much more common inside committed relationships than outside because that sort of thing requires far more trust for a woman than for a man. I have known two women who had such relationships “on the side”, and in both it fell apart pretty quickly (one because the husband found out, and the other because she quit before he did).
The media, however, prefers to concentrate on the rarer female-dominant variety precisely because it does go against the norm of male-female sexual roles and is therefore more lurid and titillating to the public.
But if it does go against the norm, why should it be titillating to a larger public? One would expect the larger public to feel titillated by more ‘normal’ things; they are ‘normal’, after all, because they excite more people, or more frequently… How could something non-‘normal’ (i.e. not as frequently stimulating as something else) actually interest and/or titillate more than that which is more ‘normal’ (and therefore does titillate more)?
Or are you talking about non-sexual fascination–like the one that makes people stop to look at car crashes?
Exactly. People are fascinated by the lurid.
In addition to that, neofeminists are more common in the media than elsewhere, so they may tend to write femdom scenes. Also, no one is deepl offended by femdom/malesub sex, but many feminists are offended by maledom/femsub sex, so a femdom scene is “safer.”
Hey I missed this!!!
I used the whip in the business, but just mild stuff. I never let them whip me though. Had a guy that liked emulation rape, not him ,but ME. It was scary the first time, but I learned he was harmless. He liked to hold me down, me try to scream and beg, then he did it and I had to tell him that it was great and that I was glad he did it. Yes this was better than him really raping, so I felt I was providing society a service and saving him from Jail. He used to say “Thank God for the girls like you’, so I figure I knew what he meant. He really was a nice guy. I am sure, however, that (Society) would not agree with me..LOL!
I liked the fantasy/fetish guys. I played the evil EX, The Mother. The Teacher and had several foot fetish guys and a Smoking fetish guy. Never a problem out of these guys.
Maggie it would be interesting to hear from the gals on the (Easiest call ever), the strangest call ever etc….
Joyce
I’ve never understood the appeal of bondage, or anything of that sort, at all. I remember the first time I learned of it, from a sketch on Saturday Night Live, or possibly Fridays, and imitation show that was running around that time. I was really confused, because it was supposed to be something sexual, but I couldn’t see anything sexual about it at all.
But the thing you said seeing things on TV that made you feel funny, but didn’t affect anybody else– THAT I can definitely relate to!! (And in my case, I’d see these things in real life, too.)
So while I still can’t comprehend the appeal of bondage, I could never hold it against you or anybody else, because I do understand what it’s like to have turn-ons and obsessions that might baffle other people.
We all love the things we love, and that can never be changed. So everyone must be free to experience their own joy.
“Many clients enjoy holding women down during sex, receiving fellatio in a standing position from a kneeling girl, pulling a whore’s hair during rear-entry sex, and other such mild and safe forms of domination.”
This felt like you were reading my mind. Although I recognize that this is instead based on me having rather normal tendencies, and you being pretty familiar with men’s normal tendencies.
I’d like to offer an alternative to your theory that mainstream media tend to show men tied up by women because it’s more lurid than women tied up by men. I think images of women tied up by men are pretty durned lurid, too, and a lot more appealing to most viewers for exactly the reason you state (everybody likes it, at some level). The reason that mainstream media tends to show men tied up rather than women (most recent, most egregious example: the recent “Fifty Shades” episode of The New Girl TV series in which Carla Gugino plays a boss who ties up her male subordinate) is that it’s being perceived as a SAFER way to show bondage (no neofeminist outrage) and sometimes, I suspect often, because the people who make TV shows and movies really don’t get bondage and don’t understand that it makes a difference to viewers which gender is the one tied up. Bondage be bondage, right? And if that’s so, and tying the man up prevents neofeminist ire, well, of course it’s almost always the man who gets tied up.
You could be on to something. It helps to explain this.
Strangely enough I am a straight girl yet I can only ever become aroused when fantasizing about women being dominated by other women. I’ve tried to fantasize about men, but it just doesn’t work. I enjoy and have only ever had sex with men and am very affectionate, but can only become quickly aroused while having sex with them while visualizing my usual female/female fantasies (I do not admit this). I try to rationalize this but I come to no conclusions. If anyone has any insight, please don’t hesitate to share.
I can’t offer any explanation for why this is with you, but finding a man who can tell these fantasies to could lead to the best of both worlds.
And how do you find such a man? I’m not going to tell the elephant/rhinoceros joke again.
Where is my comment?
Comments by readers who have never commented before are placed by WordPress for moderation, and I have to approve them individually. I’m on Central (North American) time and had already gone to bed when you commented; future ones will go through automatically.
Love the blog on ‘Black Men’; I truly learned a lot from you. I am a black man, college educated, professional, 35 years old, athletically built. I was raised to treat ‘WOMEN’ with respect no matter what race or creed. Maggie, you are truly a wonderful woman for giving me ‘knowledge’ about that topic on how ‘escorts’ view black men in general whether fair or not; I am not mad…I am not part of the ‘subculture’ in the black community that see ‘women’ as sex objects or ‘hating’ women because black mothers (not all and certainly not mine) have treated their ‘boys’ as their friends and allowed them to walk all over them in a ‘fatherless’ home. Now escorts who have this ‘NBA’ standards is totally understandable even though men like me will have to suffer with the bad apples. As a black man I have not been turn down from White Women
nor black women. I never argue over price and I make sure my hygiene is A+, so whether I hire a white woman(most of the time but I am open to other races) I hire to have nice company and a great time. Maggie, you are correct intelligent black men try very hard to offset this stereotype…I know I do..lol.
My generation of black men have no sense of class when it comes to women in general. I am proud my mother raised me to honor women and to treat women with care and gentleness.
I am sorry for commenting on this blog but since you ‘closed’ the comment section because of some hurt feelings of some ignorant and sensitive blacks, I had to send you a comment. I will continue to watch your work very closely.
What does it mean to be dominant and yet a good lover? Does it involve forcing a girl to do what she doesn’t want to do – hence the adage – “Dominant Men Take What they want”. Or does it mean taking control, knowing your lover’s limits, pushing them and respecting them at the same time?
Domination/submission plays into socialization paradigms, especially the one that says sex is evil. Women get hit with this harder than men. By dominating the woman, the man absolves her of any guilt she might feel at enjoying sex, because the man is making the decisions, not her. If she is bound, she is further absolved, because she is unable to resist him.
“Though neofeminists deny it, the fact is that most women are sexually aroused to one degree or another by being dominated by a man in a sexual situation; most male-dominant BDSM is an exaggeration of the normal female impulse rather than something completely different, which is why the rape fantasy is still among the most common of female sexual fantasies. ”
I had no idea women in Madagascar, Sri Lanka, Myanmar, Eritrea, Yemen, the Andammen and Nicobar Islands, etc, etc, etc have “rape fantasies”.
Please forgive me for sounding “racisssss” but the problem with you Western white folk is that you project your values onto the rest of the world, and your pathologies as well.
You will cite studies done on at most a mere few thousand women of mostly Anglo descent in the US, UK, Canada or Australia and then seek to universalize whatever result that very small study concluded.
Can you stop doing that?
Tell you what, I’ll do one better; I’ll put you on moderation so you won’t feel compelled to troll any more.
I know it’s from, ‘well over’ damn near a year ago, past . . .
Still, I THANK YOU!
For an awesome, intelligent, and ‘quieting a mouthful’ response!
Short – Sweet – WRITTEN, Right To The Point
Very well done!
BRAVO, Ms Maggie! Bravo!
Obviously women in Madagascar, Sri Lanka, et. al. don’t belong to the human race, so they don’t have fantasies like The Rest Of Us.
/sarc
“Obviously women in Madagascar, Sri Lanka, et. al. don’t belong to the human race, so they don’t have fantasies like The Rest Of Us.”
Fantasies are not the issue. Projection and universalism is.
A study, or two or three, of a small sample size of women all coming from the same general background, is not representative of “women” in the sense that the word is used in this sentence, “which is why the rape fantasy is still among the most common of female sexual fantasies”.
One must ask “common”? Common amongst who? From where?
Fantasies are absolutely the issue! Did you even read the post?
And by the way, the word “women” was not used in that sentence you quoted.
*facepalm*
Hi Sasha!
Yes I read the post.
My comment was with regard to Maggie’s written statement;
“Though neofeminists deny it, the fact is that most women are sexually aroused to one degree or another by being dominated by a man in a sexual situation; most male-dominant BDSM is an exaggeration of the normal female impulse rather than something completely different, which is why the rape fantasy is still among the most common of female sexual fantasies. ”
– While she didn’t use the word “women” she used “female sexual fantasies”.
So ok, “girls and women”.
My point still stands about the extremely small numerical sample size of girls and women (women most likely, as far as I’m aware, people used in the studies are 18 and over), the areas of the world they come from, their generally homogenous ethno-cultural backgrounds, etc.
“…the problem with you Western white folk…”
Dude, she IS a Western white woman. Why on earth are you expecting her to be an expert on the inner life of Sri Lankan women? Seems to me the bigger problem is looking to some white woman on the internet to explain women of color for you.
[…] Rape had to be absurdly presented as an asexual power exercise, which of course meant that BDSM had to be rejected because its very nature refuted the claim that power could be cleanly divorced from sex; the […]
[…] …the trappings of BDSM would be equally at home in a gothic horror setting, the rape fantasy is as popular as ever and the lurid fantasies of “sex trafficking” fetishists can be found in mainstream news outlets every day, forced up from the collective unconscious by the pressure of the return to Victorian levels of prudery. Nor does one always have to look outward to find the connection; I’m sure many of my readers have realized that the things that sexually excite them most are often related to things that frighten them. For example, some of you may recall my mentioning that I have a phobia of being trapped (including in traffic jams), and I think even the veriest psychological amateur could recognize that I have a tremendous aversion to authority. Yet at the same time, I’m turned on by bondage and themes of dominance and submission… […]
[…] also has some interesting thoughts in the full post on whether bdsm is abuse, which is very timely given the release of the 50 Shades […]
I’m coming in pretty late on this topic, but I feel compelled to share my perspective on the subject.
I’ve personally never cared much for BDSM and restraints, preferring instead to immobilize women with my hands. Dominating women in bed has an appeal for me which is difficult to articulate, nevertheless, I’m going to make a sincere attempt to do so. I must preface this post by pointing out that my definition of “domination” precludes inflicting pain. I do not mind playfully spanking women, but I have no desire whatsoever to hurt or torment them.
As a man, the desire to assume power over women is both instinctual and central to the masculine experience. I enjoy pinning a woman’s arms over her head and relish her playful struggling. While she is utterly helpless, I realize that I have the power to hurt her and torture her; but I won’t. As a man, my instinctual desire to dominate women is balanced out by an equally potent desire to protect them. The thought of having a woman completely in my power, but using that power to protect and pleasure her (instead of hurting her) is hypnotically arousing. Thus in restraining her, I’m also restraining myself.
Having said all this it is important to recognize that the power I assume over a woman is contingent upon her consensual surrender. Power is zero sum. I assume power over her because she has surrendered that power to me. If her surrender is not consensual, then I have no legitimate right to dominate her as that would be rape. What feminists don’t understand is that the majority of men are incapable of rape as violently assaulting women repulses the majority of us. I couldn’t even attain an erection at the thought of raping women as my own body would rebel against me. The appeal lies in a woman willingly submitting to you and thus affirming your masculinity.
There is a certain yin/yang principle to what I’ve described above. I can restrain a woman, but I’m simultaneously restrained myself. She is helpless and vulnerable, and yet she is still the source of my power.
Beyond a certain point, the distinction between dominant and submissive simply fades away; and isn’t that the purpose of making love, to achieve oneness?