A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. - Robert A. Heinlein
Today’s column is for the ladies. Gentlemen are certainly welcome to read, comment and share the column with the women in your lives (if you dare), but my comments will all be directed toward the ladies and will therefore assume female gender. I’ve been thinking about doing this one for a while, but a few factors (including some emails I’ve received and day-before-yesterday’s column) have at last inspired me to sit down and actually write it. If any of my female readers have specific technique questions which I can’t cover herein without being graphic (sorry, guys), I’ll be happy to answer them privately via confidential email.
One night at UNO I was sitting around talking with several other girls, and when one said something about putting out for her boyfriend another replied haughtily, “I would never give a man sex unless I wanted it, too.”
Even back in those pre-professional days I considered that sort of attitude completely asinine, so I asked her, “Do you have a dog?” (knowing full well she did).
“What?” she asked, annoyed at my apparent change of subject.
“It’s a straightforward question,” I replied; “Do you, or do you not, have a dog?”
“You know I do!” she snapped.
“And you walk it every night?”
“Of course!”
“What if you don’t want to?”
“I still have to anyway, or she’ll go on the carpet during the night!”
“What if it’s raining?”
“Then my dad takes her for me!” The dumb bunny had no idea where I was going, but the smiles told me the other girls did.
“In other words, you care more about a dog than you do about a man.”
“How do you get that?”
“When one has a living creature under one’s care, it is one’s responsibility to take care of that creature’s needs, or else to arrange for someone else to do so. And if you shirk that responsibility, you only have yourself to blame for the inevitable and foreseeable consequences.”
Unfortunately, this girl’s attitude is not at all unusual nowadays; women used to understand that men had sexual needs which it was a wife’s responsibility to provide for. But as I discussed in my column of July 21st, decades of lies and neofeminist propaganda that men and women are the same and that women should only accept sex when they desire it (and for no other reason) have done tremendous damage to the male-female dynamic; ignorant modern women not only feel that husbands should be satisfied with whatever sexual pickings their wives choose to dole out, however meager or restricted, but also refuse to understand that a starving man will seek food elsewhere if it isn’t available at home. Every escort hears it over and over again: “My wife doesn’t give me sex any more,” or “after the kids my wife lost interest,” or some other variation on it. These men have no reason to lie; they want us to understand that they are driven by need, and the sadness in their voices is unmistakable. The statement that “no woman should have to have sex if she doesn’t want it” ignores the simple fact that in today’s world a woman does not need to marry for support any longer, just as my silly schoolmate did not need to own a dog. 
Getting married is a free choice, and carries responsibilities with the privileges. If you refuse to take care of your dog you should give him to somebody who will, and if you refuse to give sex to your husband you should either divorce him or suggest he satisfy his needs elsewhere with your blessing. You cannot have your cake and eat it, too; a man is NOT a woman, and if you expect him to respect your choice not to have sex with him, you in turn must respect his choice to get it from somebody else.
Women who actually starve their husbands are in the minority, though; the more typical wife merely offers such repetitive and unpalatable fare that her husband simply loses his appetite for her cooking and yearns to dine elsewhere. One of my correspondents recently wrote, “I know so many women who say their men are apt to fall asleep in front of the TV or play on the computer all evening; sex seems to be not very high on their list of priorities.”
I replied, “Not to be mean, but what isn’t ‘high on their list of priorities’ is boring, repetitive sex with their dumpy, frowsy wives who sit around in sweatsuits with short hair and only want sex when they’re interested in the way they want it, and everything else is greeted with ‘That’s disgusting!’ or ‘You’re a pervert!’ or ‘I’m not gonna do that!’ Those same men are plenty interested in young-looking, well-kept escorts who have maintained their figures, dress in a feminine manner and will give them the kind of sex they want when they want it.”
When you’re done jumping up and down, screaming at me and calling me a bitch, sit down and listen to what I’m trying to tell you. I understand that some women’s figures go south after having kids and that it’s difficult to reclaim them, but I’ll bet most husbands understand it as well; that’s not what I’m talking about. I’ll use my own family as an example; I am the eldest of four sisters who all look much alike and started out with similar figures, though our personalities are all different. All three of my sisters had two children each; the third sister is most like me in personality and still looks hot at 41, the youngest is athletic and has a very trim figure at 40, and the second is fat and dumpy. The two younger sisters and I dress attractively and wear our hair in flattering styles; the second wears sweatsuits and “fat clothes” and chopped her hair off boy-short while she was pregnant with her first baby. Finally, the two younger sisters and I treat our husbands well, while the second won’t lift a finger for hers; though I’m not privy to the details of my sisters’ sex lives, does anyone here have any doubt whose husband is most likely to cheat? There are no great biological differences between us; it was the psychological differences which caused the one sister to stop trying, and her appearance mirrors her behavior. Every aspect of her dress and grooming screams “I don’t care whether you find me attractive or not!” to her husband and everyone else with eyes to see.
Just being overweight is not the problem, though many women love to use it as an excuse. Lots of men like plump women, and I daresay the average man whose wife has put on too much weight would still be happy with her sexually if she made every other effort to attract him. Don’t believe me? Turn off the goddamned TV, put down Cosmo and surf the escort sites on the internet for a while; you’ll find quite a few “BBW” (Big Beautiful Woman) escorts, women who are definitely fat but still make the effort to look nice and give men what they need sexually. Yes, a good figure goes a long way (and for most women is very sustainable with sensible eating and regular exercise), but dress, grooming and attitude go much farther, especially for a woman who has the advantage of already being married to the man she’s trying to attract!
If you want to keep your husband sexually happy the best advice I can give you is, get the word “no” out of your vocabulary! Any woman over the age of 16 should have noticed that all men are, to put it bluntly, perverts by female standards; as the picture at right reminds us, everything turns men on! Yes, a lot of what they like is weird or gross or nasty or even funny to most women; so what? Do you personally have to judge dog food palatable before you give it to your dog? As long as what your husband wants in bed doesn’t actually hurt you or give you serious doubts about his masculinity, what difference does it make? You’ve had his semen inside you hundreds of times, so why does it matter if he wants to put it on your butt, tits, stomach, face or hair sometimes? And trust me, I know better than you how it tastes; if you’re having sex for the flavor, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. He wants to tie you up? Let him! Great Aphrodite, you trust him with your life every day, so why is this different? Are you afraid you’ll like it? And why is it too much trouble to wear stockings and a garter belt for him? We all wore them every day until pantyhose were invented! You liked playing dress-up when you were seven; reclaim the fun and pretend to be a nurse or hooker or whatever it is he wants. You might enjoy it!
Even if you’re afraid of something he wants (such as anal sex), would it kill you to at least consider it? Don’t refuse him out of hand; think about it. Ask questions and do research on the internet. Work up to it by slow stages, and ask him to be patient with you; if all else fails, see if you can work out some kind of compromise. So his fantasy is to have both you and your sister? I don’t blame you for refusing to do that, but how about compromising by hiring an escort to be the other woman? Don’t worry, she’s not after your husband! She’s just there to do her job, which in this case is to allow the two of you to explore a fantasy which would otherwise be impossible.
Even if you already do all this stuff, your husband may still hire prostitutes; the male animal craves variety, and some are unwilling or unable to put that craving aside. Trust me, sister, this is not something to worry about unless you can’t afford it or it becomes an obsession (too much of anything is bad). He’s not going to leave you for a whore, and she’s a lot safer than an affair (as I discussed in my column of August 2nd). So if you do find out your husband has been occasionally indulging in the hobby, do yourself a favor and consider all of your options before having a hissy-fit and doing something you may later regret.
If all of this seems too difficult, you can certainly just keep on the course you’ve set, but if your relationship hits the rocks solely because you couldn’t be bothered to tend the wheel there is nobody to blame but yourself. In the final analysis you married your husband for a reason, most likely nowadays because you loved him. If you don’t love him any more, why are you still with him? And if you do still love him, isn’t making him happy worth a bit of effort?
Wow. I hope your so knows just how lucky he is.
I think it was more sensible than lucky; after all, he was the one who realized a call girl would make a good wife.
I meant less about the sexual and more about the intellectual aspect.
1) No, it’s not just being a call girl that did it, because that would mean that any call girl could be a good wife, and we know that’s not true. It’s more that it’s *you.*
2) A little bit difficult for me to understand what it takes for the average woman to grasp the simple yet undeniable truths that you have presented. You state them from a combination of intelligence, aptitude, and experience. The women that I know in my personal life that *do* seem to understand this are all over 40, and have lost a man or three. Maybe that’s what it takes.
3) Somehow, some way, I’m gonna start some form of education for men. So that young men know exactly what to expect before they get married in today’s climate.
Oh, well in that case thank you!
There is no teacher like experience, and painful experience is the best teacher of all.
It’s interesting to me that on one hand, I absolutely agree with the idea of letting your husband satisfy his wants or needs elsewhere. If I ever happen to get married, I would put this clause in our relationship, so that either of us could have an opportunity to find something missing on the side if need be.
And personally, I too would consider any sexual request. My being a former escort may or may not have something to do with it… And then, I actually am a “pervert” myself – for example, I love to be tied up…
Yet still, something about the way you write it rubs me in a very wrong way. I guess we all have our limits. And the way you are presenting this column does not give enough consideration to woman’s limits. You are writing it like everything is about him, and keeping him happy at your own expense if necessary is the secret to a happy relationship… instead of it being about both of you, mutuality, discoveries – yet mutual compromises if necessary.
I come from a culture where if a man wanted something, you needed to give it to him no matter how it made you feel. Perhaps, that background simply makes me over-sensitive and I see it in your post while you didn’t really mean it.
“You are writing it like everything is about him, and keeping him happy at your own expense if necessary is the secret to a happy relationship…”
Oh mah gaWD how much do men do to keep women happy? A man can be paying the mortgage on an entire house and be relegated to a den, or the garage. After you get married, you get sex based on the points system; all guys know THAT’s true.
And if you don’t like anything she does, if she leaves, she takes half your shit.
Show me the mythological creature known as “The Satisfied Woman.” That’s right up there with the Loch Ness monster and Sasquatch, because there is no such thing. Show me a woman that doesn’t complain about her man all the time and I’ll show you that she’s a man in drag.
There is not a woman alive that’s in a relationship with a man, that on A MOMENT’S NOTICE can’t whip out a list that reads, “25 Ways *He* Needs to Change.”
So cry me a river if you have to fuck when you don’t feel like it; too bad men can’t pay child support or the mortgage or alimony or for engagement rings or anniversary presents based on how they feel.
Well, I don’t want to live in your world. I don’t want and will never be the woman your are describing, and play the games you believe all people must play.
It’s not about a “satisfied woman”. Any relationship about two people who care and respect each other, and find things that work for each other. Genuinely. Otherwise, why be in a relationship in the first place?
Scorch, that’s very exagerrated even for you. I know very few women who complain about their men even “often”, much less “all the time”. And I assure you they are not men in drag! And though I could certainly think of a few things about my husband that it might be nice if he changed, that’s not the same as saying I think he needs to change them. And there certainly aren’t 25 of them. I’m not remotely the only one who feels this way; I know lots of women who are happy with their husbands as is. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the oil; you know about all the bad wives because they whine loudly in public. That doesn’t mean we’re all like that; you just don’t know about the good wives because they don’t call attention to themselves.
I’m definitely trying to be confrontational in this post, Ingrid; as a retired escort yourself you know how clueless many of our amateur sisters can be, and I’ve found many modern American women won’t listen unless one really “shakes their tree” as it were.
I certainly don’t intend that anyone should think that marriage is only about the man; I don’t think your negative reaction is due to any oversensitivity on your part, but rather because you haven’t lived in modern American culture and don’t realize how bad it’s become for men here. Though my audience is international, this column was primarily intended for American women, and unless you’ve lived here in the past two decades it is impossible to explain to you how much of a sense of privilege the typical American woman has developed. It has become here the exact opposite of traditional cultures; many American women seem to believe that the marriage is all for the wife and nothing for the husband, that only her feelings are important, and that she has the right to ration or deny sex as she pleases and if he goes elsewhere because of it he is completely and totally in the wrong. This madness is producing lots of angry young men like the Human Scorch, who see marriage as a loser’s game in which the man is little more than an economic slave with few if any rights. And though his view is exagerrated and strongly colored by emotion, his grievances are as legitimate as those of the early feminists, and for the same reasons.
Absolutely, a woman is allowed to have limits; there are some things I myself won’t accept (see my column of August 16th). But it’s one thing to have limits (every escort does, certainly) and another to be nothing but a mass of limits. The typical American wife of 2010 won’t even consider compromise, then she calls her husband a “sex addict” if he goes to a prostitute for what he needs. It’s those women I’m addressing, not the good wives who already try to keep their husbands happy.
Very on spot description. I think the idea of compromising with a partner has become very skewed. Unfortunately, i have seen this same “unbalanced” or asynchronous in friendships between men and women as well. its not healthy and can lead to a lot of resentment later on. I myself have often joked about being nothing more than a paycheck, but it is a feeling that a lot of men have at one time or another.
“I’m not remotely the only one who feels this way; I know lots of women who are happy with their husbands as is. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the oil; you know about all the bad wives because they whine loudly in public. That doesn’t mean we’re all like that; you just don’t know about the good wives because they don’t call attention to themselves.”
Okay, I’ll accept that. That makes sense.
“This madness is producing lots of angry young men like the Human Scorch, who see marriage as a loser’s game in which the man is little more than an economic slave with few if any rights. And though his view is exaggerated and strongly colored by emotion, his grievances are as legitimate as those of the early feminists, and for the same reasons.”
Well…I’m thinking that:
-The only thing you have to do in a divorce to lose your kids is be a man, in most cases
-The wife still gets the benefit of the doubt, no matter who cheats
-As you yourself have said, Western Civilization requires that the man still pay for a household he no longer gets benefits from, and even if the women doesn’t hold up her end of the bargain
-Women marry for security, not looks; so her equity in the marriage increases over time
-American women no longer have to bring anything to the table, yet they still get full benefits once married.
…am I exaggerating with any of that?(Not being sarcastic either btw)
No, you’re not exaggerating; that’s a pretty fair assessment of the legal climate. But you have to remember that it isn’t like all women conspired to make it that way; “no-fault” divorce was invented by lawyers to make money, and the rest was established by politicians to get the votes of selfish, unevolved women. That’s the problem with democracy; it eventually devolves into the moral equivalent of mob rule. You can’t judge all women by the lowest common denominator.
Thank you for clarification. It does sound sad and excessive, like a complete pendulum swing… I wish we could find balance, both as individuals and the society.
That’s one of the crazy things about American society, Ingrid; it’s always all the way to one side or all the way to the other, and never in the middle. Take abortion, for example; first it was completely illegal in all circumstances (even if the mother’s life was in danger), then it became completely legal for any reason whatsoever practically up until the baby’s head was coming out. And nearly everyone in this country still espouses one of those two positions; it’s like they’re all entirely bereft of even a shred of common sense.
“No, you’re not exaggerating; that’s a pretty fair assessment of the legal climate.
But you have to remember that it isn’t like all women conspired to make it that way;
“no-fault” divorce was invented by lawyers to make money, and the rest was established by politicians to get the votes of selfish, unevolved women.
That’s the problem with democracy; it eventually devolves into the moral equivalent of mob rule. You can’t judge all women by the lowest common denominator.”
I hear you and I agree, but that doesn’t actually change the legal realities, that’s more what I mean. It most certainly doesn’t mean that all women have malice in their hearts, or even a desire to exploit the man.
My point is that, regardless….this is still the case legally, and if things go bad, as a man, you are screwed, unless you have enough money to merit a prenup. And then, it’s still going to be quite a payday for her.
So again, this is what I mean…*regardless* of the intent of the woman, the law works in her favor for no other reason than the fact that she’s a woman.
Why would a man voluntarily walk into that? At the very least he should understand what he’s risking.
I wouldn’t advise any American man to get married until these laws are changed. If men started boycotting the institution and just hiring whores when they wanted sex, a lot of things would change pronto.
“I wouldn’t advise any American man to get married until these laws are changed.”
Exactly. This is what I’ve been saying, BUT I do agree with you that it’s wrong of me to assume/project malintentions onto all females just because they’re women.
It’s just that, as a man, I tend to be more bottom lined; security and not being alone aren’t what drive me as a man. So from a purely practical point of view, it just seems like a bad deal.
“If men started boycotting the institution and just hiring whores when they wanted sex, a lot of things would change pronto.”
It really would wouldn’t it? But now I’m curious…what exactly do you think *would* be the effect if men stopped getting married and started hiring whores?
I think that first the politicians would start persecuting us even more than they do now, but once the Chicken Littles got ahold of the statistics they would start predicting doom, and then (and only then) the politicians might take note and start trying to repair the fractured institution of American marriage.
That’s fine for the men who can AFFORD to hire harlots. For the rest of us, it’s the dating game (which is also expensive). I know that if I were single and richer (I’m not talking Warren Buffet here, $40K a year would do fine) I’d probably hire professionals rather than drop back into the dating game.
But I’m not richer, so thank God I’m not single (legally, I am, but my sweetie and I are married in all but law).
wow, the comments seem to be longer than the original post. let me see if I can help that along some.
i do not begrudge women getting support from their husband if they divorce, as long as it is fair. I do not think that automatically splitting things 50/50 is necessarily fair, it depends on what was actually brought to, and done during the marriage. If one party pretty much just sat around the house, hardly did laundry, spent all sorts of money on extravagant things, and really never contributed towards the marriage itself, other than the occasional romp in the sack, I really don’t think that 50/50 is fair.
And before anyone makes an issue of it, I feel the same way if the roles are reversed (and i do know a few women who are paying their ex-husbands).
I think the real bottom line issue is that unlike friendships where people at least understand that they should be two-way streets and each party should try their best for the friendship or the friendship withers and dies, marriages often times just change from being a marriage, to simply being married. People stop trying so hard to please each other and become more like room mates, co-existing, but not really making an effort. and it’s not simply being so comfortable with someone that you don’t need to try, it’s more like being ambivalent. there are a lot of things that can cause that, and we’d end up using all of Maggie’s bandwidth if we discussed all of them.
sometimes i wonder if marriages should come with term limits, or only be valid for 5 years and have to be renewed on the agreement of both parties. now maybe that would mean that people are really only nice to each other from the 4th year on, but that still might be more than they are getting now.
I may not be as worked up as one of the other commenters, but i can see exactly where they are coming from and have some of the same experiences/feelings.
IMHO the main reason for the collapse of marriage in the US was “no fault divorce”. Previously there had to be a reason for divorce, and if the woman was at fault she got no alimony. But once American men were tricked into eating the “no fault” shit sandwich, that was a thing of the past; alimony, which was a good law in the days when women didn’t work and could be left in poverty by a husband’s desertion, became an entitlement used to buy the female vote, the fee for the legalized harlotry American marriage was officially turned into.
I have to disagree. no fault divorce isn’t the cause of marriages failing. Marriages can fail but people remain married. no fault divorce is just a supposed easy way out of being married.
marriages fail because people stop trying, or because they have changed as they aged, or because people weren’t able to get the other person to change into what they wanted them to be.
too many people are in love with the idea of being married, instead of really understanding what it takes to make a marriage work.
i have seen people who do not have a marriage license who have much more of a marriage than people with the paper license.
having a marriage is not the same as being married, and vice versa.
The problem isn’t that marriages fail; the problem is that a modern American woman can refuse to even try, and the divorce laws still allow her to walk away with half of everything because it’s “nobody’s fault”.
But by the same token, Maggie (and I’ll admit I’m not really knowledgeable with American marriage and divorce law), can’t a man also walk away from a marriage without even trying and taking half of everything? If the woman was wealthier than the man when they got married, he might even make a profit. Why does this favor only women?
Nope. In theory, most American states have “no fault” divorce, but in practice it’s only “no fault” when the woman walks. When the man walks, it’s treated as abandonment even though it isn’t legally supposed to be.
Really? Even if the woman is independently wealthier? How come? What is the claim that can be made in this case but not when the woman walks? (Sorry if I ask too many questions — I understand you’re not a lawyer, but you got me curious.)
In cases where the woman is wealthier the man does sometimes make it out OK. Otherwise, judges tend to apply rules that were written in the days when 99% of women were dependent on men for support and divorce could leave them in poverty.
“Marriages fail because people stop trying, or because they have changed as they aged, or *because people weren’t able to get the other person to change into what they wanted them to be.*”
Yes.
“Too many people are in love with the *idea of being married,* instead of really understanding what it takes to make a marriage work.”
YES.
“Having a marriage is not the same as being married, and vice versa.”
Yes. Cubed.
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. – Friedrich Nietzsche
“The problem isn’t that marriages fail; the problem is that a modern American woman can refuse to even try, and the divorce laws still allow her to walk away with half of everything because it’s “nobody’s fault”.”
^This.
“The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.”
Friedrich Nietzsche quotes (German classical Scholar, Philosopher and Critic of culture, 1844-1900.)
Ah know but damn those playthings are ‘spensive
Several posts back (August 21st, Advice for Clients), I commented that, while I like kissing, I wouldn’t decide which girl to hire based on it. Then, for a joke, I added: ‘As long as she’s willing to wave a crystal at me and shout, “Moon Healing… ESCALATION!” I’m good to go.’
To top off the joke I added, ‘My girlfriend will NEVER do that for me!’
The girlfriend found out about that and, knowing it was a joke (I’ve never asked for such a thing), laughed. Then she got a serious look on her face and told me, “I’d do that if you wanted it.”
I gave her a serious look, and then grinned. “OK,” I told her, “say it: Moon Healing Escalation.” She wouldn’t, or couldn’t.
Now, this wasn’t in bed; we were fixing lunch and getting ready to watch an old adventure movie (The Land That Time Forgot, 1975). If it were important to me that she do this as part of lovemaking, she probably would, but she’d feel awfully silly.
So yeah, give your husband or boyfriend some variety, try new things, etc. But if there’s something that he really, really wants, and you just can’t or won’t do it, something you find really gross or so silly you can’t stop laughing, maybe it’s time to see if the household budget will allow an escort.
But first, I’ll need to buy that wig with the cute little buns and the long pigtails. Oh, and a crystal.
Just kidding. I think.
Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever asked for anything she wasn’t willing to at least consider. I’m sure I could come up with something, if I wanted to: “Darling, your pet cat is so beautiful. Maybe we could…”
Just kidding. I’m sure this time.
I’m glad my column could promote a dialog; perhaps she’ll practice and surprise you with it one night.
I HOPE not! (poor cat…)
But she LIKES it when I rub her pussy!
Interesting dialogue above, Maggie. I wanted to add a few things, though.
Even if the system really favors women (and I’d need a few more details to understand how exactly it does), as you point out it’s not the result of a female conspiracy to enslave men (as many radMRA’s would have you believe). In fact, in this ‘feeling of entitlement’, in this ‘marriage-is-only-for-the-wife’ situation, I see elements that appeared long before there was no-fault divorce, probably even before divorce.
Since the troubadors and throughout romanticism, women became an ideal of pure goodness that men had to show themselves worthy of–at least for the more ‘enlightened’ layers of the population. This created the ideal of ‘romantic love’, in which sex is the expression of this love (and nothing else), plus the corollary that, if you are in love, then you should only want sex with that one person you’re in love with and nobody else.
Well, clearly this is not true for most men (and I’d say it’s not true even for many women either). But to a large extent, both parties bought into it — men perhaps a little less, but still there were, and there still are, lots of men who are ashamed of feeling attracted to women other than their wives (‘does that mean I don’t really love her’), and women who agree with them (‘that means he doesn’t really love me’). And vice-versa for women with lovers, or married promiscuous women, or married whores
.
Now, what is interesting is that, outside of any “conspiracy theories” or “women have it so good and men have it so bad” interpretation, often enough both genders suffer. Here is one example from my personal experience.
Middle-aged couple, he is 50, she is 54. Intellectual background: he a professor in the local university, she a teacher of English in a community college. Very much in love: they do everything together, often kiss and hug, both love their kids (daughter and son, 18 and 14, both very intelligent and with obvious artistic talent).
Sex life was OK for over 10 years–she actually had a lot of appetite–but then went downhill, because she gradually lost interest. Gradually he found himself in a hell on earth, because his appetite was still very strong (and he’s a very active and energetic person, all his apetites, as far as I can tell, are above average). For years on the verge of cheating, but avoided it because (a) was afraid this would cause his wife to end up hating him (his father had cheated on his mother, quite scandalously, and eventually left her for his lover, leaving her alone with her three kids; he never forgave his father), and (b) was also afraid of shattering his image in front of his children, who consider him the best of all possible daddies. Finally ended up cheating, while at a conference, far from home; at first felt tortured by feelings of guilt and shame (‘I don’t want to turn into my father! I wanted to be better, to be ethical, not to break the heart of the woman I love!’); has slowly been learning to reconcile himself with the idea that it’s the only way he’ll be able to retain his sanity and go on being the excellent daddy he is to his children. But everything must be very carefully hidden: the children cannot suspect. It would be The End.
As for her… she noticed loss of interest in sex with apprehension. Tried to be get interested again. A treatment here, a drug there, get advice from this or that friend… but it doesn’t work. Tries to satisfy her husband, but it’s clear the she isn’t into it, and this paralyzes him, and also her. She feels sorry for him. Seeing these attempts go downhill, she gets nervous, and at some point suddenly stops trying, and kinda avoids the topic of sex altogether. Looks at him and can’t meet his eyes, gets nervous, starts blaming anything on earth, from her mother to her father-in-law. Becomes acutely aware of other, younger women showing interest in her husband — he’s a university professor, there are lots of young pretty students there making sweet eyes at him. She feels old, unattractive, unworthy of love. Projects on husband, starts blaming him: ‘Why are men like that? Why don’t they value love?’ But she’s intelligent, and she can see this is obviously not true: her husband loves her. Feels anxious, trapped, sees no way out. Insomnia, a little asthma, sudden fears. Vaguely more-or-less indirectly gives permission to look for other women ‘but I don’t want to know anything!’ (DADT…).
At this point, Meggie, I feel so sorry for both of them–you see, they’re both in pain. It’s not simply “she’s exploiting/demanding too much from him”; she does want to see him happy, she is in pain, too; but the ideas they have about love, about sex, about their interrelation and what they mean — ‘if he goes to others then he doesn’t love me…’ — have left a strong mark on both of them. Feminism or no feminism, marriage laws or no marriage laws, these two are suffering from the results of cultural messages that are at variance with reality… Now they are clearly much less happy than they used to be. They live with this Big Elephant in the Room that they don’t mention to each other but which both wish would go away. She looks nervously at the young female students and wonders which one he’s eventually going to leave her for. He feels like a dirty pig and longs to grow old fast, so that his desire will decrease and will no longer be a problem; he welcomes every new white hair.
And both of them are otherwise wonderful people, Meggie. Both of them. And their kids.
I don’t want to just say it’s the fault of feminism, or divorce law, or of a legal system that favors this or that gender, because things were complicated already before all that, and unless better information reaches people and makes them abandon irrational fears, it is not going to change even if feminism and the legal system become fully gender-equalitarian.
I’m not denying that there may be injustices in the legal system that give too many loopholes to certain persons. I’m not saying Scorch is wrong. I guess what I’m saying is that this is a very long process, based basically on wrong ideas about what men and women are and want, and that these last few developments — the ones you and Scorch protest against — are only one small part of a bigger whole. A god damn basic cultural misunderstanding that turns the sweet into sour and makes life harder than it had to be for men and women.
Am I making any sense here?
Perfect sense. What you’re talking about is natural, if regrettable; what the legal system does is not. It’s the difference between dying of natural causes and purposefully given poor food so the victim will die of malnutrition, or even worse pushing him off of a cliff.
Yes, you very much are making sense. But you’re talking about something different than what *I’m* talking about. I’m talking about the legal and social realities that slant the marital institution to favor the female in the mix. What *you’re* talking about, especially with your example, is the natural arc that lifetime hetero relationships go through, which have less to do with legal realities.
I agree that the introduction of the romantic notion that basically says “Pussy is the Nirvana of life” causes some very deep societal problems. Because people really do believe that…men have always had the need for variety, tho, but once you get women believing that, it becomes a problem for those that remain immature. Because immature women want to believe that they are so bewitching that their husbands will, for the rest of their lives, only want *their* pussy, which we know isn’t true. Like Twilight, or Buffy.
Both genders are re-energized with the introduction of a new lover, at any age…this just seems to be a fact of life.
I think there are a lot of wrong beliefs out there, Scorch, the most damaging of which even antedating feminism by a long time (the ‘I love you’ = ‘I only want sex with you’ fallacy, for both men and women, which I think started already with the medieval Minnesänger, went through romanticism and landed now in the ideas about ‘relationships’, both in their pre- and post-feminism version).
I wished people would get off their high horses and sit down and talk and try to understand each other, rather than trying to project ‘big-picture’ social schemes on each other. I wished people would look at each other like individuals and start thinking about what each of them wants instead of thinking about ‘what women want’ or ‘what men want’.
Which is not to say that American marriage and divorce law may have problems. It very well may. (By the way, Scorch, you seem to speak with pain in your voice when you talk about this topic. Are you divorced yourself, or did you have to survive through someone’s divorce?)
Sorry for the “Meggie” instead of “Maggie”, by the way. I should spellcheck more often (and write more slowly!)…
Sure, you’re right. It’s just that, to hear Scorch speak, I wonder if some people think all problems would be solved if the system were fairer. They won’t. Maybe bad people will have fewer encouragements to exploit good people, and that’s a worthy goal; but men will go on suffering in bad marriages like before, and so will women.
On another note… It seems to me some of the women who speak like this girl you talked to — the one who said she’d only give sex if she herself felt like it — imagine that it’s somehow metaphysically wrong to have sex if they aren’t aroused. Maybe they think it will be painful (one woman in an online conversation with me in a discussion forum once claimed that she simply could not have intercourse unless she was aroused; ‘it would be too painful otherwise’, she said). Maybe they think it will be emotionally wrong (‘if we don’t have the ideal situation of “simultaneous love and lust”, then it isn’t a fairytale anymore!’ — see how many people in America quasi-fetishize the idea of two partners having simultaneous orgasms.) Or maybe they think if they give sex without wanting it then they are somehow being manipulated or defrauded — ‘something is being taken from me without compensation!’ says the typical American… I.e., maybe it’s not simply that they think “men are bad and need to be kept under control”, but some sort of misunderstanding or misguided ideas that could be dispelled by an open and honest discussion.
“It’s just that, to hear Scorch speak, I wonder if some people think all problems would be solved if the system were fairer. They won’t. Maybe bad people will have fewer encouragements to exploit good people, and that’s a worthy goal; but men will go on suffering in bad marriages like before, and so will women.”
No, I totally get that. If you read more of what I say, what I’m actually an advocate of is education, and legal realities that require proper responsibility. Basically the absolute opposite of the way we do it now.
But I of course understand that it couldn’t solve all the problems…I meant moreso that
1) People would have a very clear idea of what they’re walking into, not a movie/porn/romance novel idea
2) Responsibility would be taken if and when infidelity or a break up occurs.
As to the rest of what you said, it’s just a reflection of the extension of the propagation of ignorance about real human sexuality that pervades American culture, which is one of the things that I’ve been greatly appreciative for learning about from Maggie. There’s a lot of money in fantasy, so it’s not going to change any time soon.
American Men & women in general simply do not understand the simple yet complex forces that tend, *tend* to drive their own respective genders, and definitely not the opposite sex. American people also refuse to accept any other form of relationship outside of lifetime same age heterosexual monogamy. That’s a HUGE problem.
Isn’t it often said that the stuff we learn in highschool — biology, set theory, the capitals of all states — isn’t really what we need to navigate through life; whereas some essential information — how to obtain and keep a relationship going, what the real differences between the sexes are, how to respect each other’s individuality without simultaneously drowning one’s own…
Indeed. But at least we can strive to become ourselves aware of these questions, and form opinions about how to solve them. We can also help our children learn to think for themselves. That is worth something.
Isn’t this a cyclical problem ?
Husband loses dominance, fails to provide and protect…..Wife gets dumpy and harpy……….Husband acts grumpy and wussy………….Wife loses incentive to look good.
It’s a cyclical , self-destructive couple problem . Among your sisters, I suspect the dumpy one has a submissive husband. Among your clients with “my wife lost interest” complaint, is a wife who wishes she was aroused by him, but simply can not be aroused anymore because he lacks any sexual polarity.
A prostitute could coach her client to be more dominant, assertive, and lead in the marriage.
It is much easier for you as a stranger to project some modicum of sexual attraction onto him. You don’t see him in his more common socially inept, passive/aggressive castrated form.
It’s totally a cyclical problem, as most relationship dysfunctions are. There is no way in a venue like this to help couples which have descended into this ugly dance; what I’m hoping is that a few readers might recognize themselves before the decline has gone on for very long or to avoid marrying a “bad fit” in the first place.
It is much more difficult for a husband to remain sexually attractive to his wife, than vs. versa. Duh.
Marriage itself can be a castrating experience for men, and then the spiral begins downward.
A husband could jolt his wife back to attractiveness if he worked out, lost weight, acted dominant, provided well and protected his family, fended off financial predators, was funny, flirted with other women, etc. Just Be SuperStudly Man
Again, I think women WANT to be excited by their husbands, but many many husbands sink to undesirable levels.
Yes, I agree; of course, that “acted dominant” one is the real spanner in the spokes these days. It’s very tough for a man to maintain that with all the constant social pressure to surrender his balls.
Marriage itself can be a castrating experience for men, and then the spiral begins downward.
Definitely.
But sometimes, men recover; I recovered after a sad divorce, and went on to crazy stuff; my ex floundered, dated a bad boy or two, ended up single at 37 and childless.
I’m dating a woman 10 years younger than me and more attractive by miles than my wife ever was.
Not that it works out that way all the time –
But if you’re smart, then a man’s capital goes up.
A woman’s doesn’t.
First, Maggie, let me thank for such a breath of fresh air. Not only was it refreshing to hear a woman speak with such frank honesty about the responsibilities of women in a marriage, but it was also nice to see a woman that knows who Robert Heinlein is before I give introduce it to her
I have been married twice. The first time should have been the last, but war and all things being what they were, it wasn’t. The second relationship was pretty much exactly what you described. When we met, she was a hard working charismatic young woman in good physical shape and a firecracker in the sack. Now, six years later we are getting divorced, she weighs more than I do despite being almost 8 inches shorter, she hasn’t worked in years, the sex had become almost non-existant, and quite frankly I just could not stomach her ignorant, arrogant, lazy, selfish attitude anymore.
After much discussion with my ex-wife(a conversation that came up about 20 minutes before I read this) I realized that a lot of it was my fault. Even though I fulfilled my obligations to provide for my family, help out at the house, and all of that, I should have made her toe the damn line years ago when she first started her crap. Instead, I let my desire to simply not hear her petulant whining or viral bitching, and the fear of losing our children, keep me from speaking up when it was needed.
I really hope the next generation gets your advice and it sinks in so they can avoid the same mistakes.
As for the rest of the problem, I think a lot of it stems from the concept of marriage being a possessive institution. To hell with that. Marriage is a social contract that says I will take care of you if you take care of me. This divorce racket has nothing to do with the benefit of those involved. The only winners are the lawyers.
Women, forget Hollywood and use the gray matter between your ears. No one owes you love any more than you owe it to them. No one owes you support any more than you give it in return. If you don’t want to work your ass off helping to create a good life for a family, then for gods sake don’t get married. Trust me, far better to just find a friend with benefits then to ruin another person’s life and your own because you are to stupid to realize that a contract has to benefit both parties or it is worthless.
You’re welcome, Tony! It is my considered opinion that the government needs to get OUT of the marriage business; marriage should be a contract between two people whose rights and responsibilities are spelled out in the contract, and divorce should be handled under contract law, not the foamy sewage called “family law” which uses vague concepts to arrive at concrete numbers.
Women often view the marriage as a fait accompli: once signed, their work is done. They have the Prize.
It’s the Man’s Job to make her happy; she’s done her work.
It’s therefore unfortunate that it’s men who are so thoroughly punished by divorce proceedings.
You’re right, and I’ve always considered that a bizarre viewpoint. It’s like children who want a pet, but fail to recognize that it’s a daily commitment.
Women and men alike fail to realize that the things they did to attract their mates are the very things they need to do in order to KEEP their mates. A woman cannot simply say “I’ve got him, I don’t have to try anymore.” She cannot let her looks go and expect her man to react the same way.
I have been married twice. The first one was really good. I was married to a wonderful man, who I loved more than anything else(still do, if the truth be told). But I didn’t do my part, and I realize that. He joined the military after we married, so he did his job. Ours was a case of being young and idealistic instead of knowing the harsh realities of life.
My second marriage was not ideal. I suffered from severe depression that my husband didn’t understand(but I did get help for, and overcame). He stopped exercising, and when he yelled, he thought a simple “I’m sorry” would erase everything and he wouldn’t have to change his actions. We filed divorce papers last week due to irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.
Thank you for telling women the advice that they need to hear in order to keep their men happy. I wish I had gotten that advice back in my first marriage. I also really enjoyed the Heinlein quote. Take care, and I plan on reading your blog often.
You’re welcome, Casey. I’m sorry to hear about your divorce; even if both of you need to move on this must be a difficult time for you.
Welcome to the blog, and please comment often!
I love this blog!
Reading this post, I can’t help but feel that my ex-husband must be an unusual case.
When we first met, I was thin, cute and had a great job while I attended night school. I lived alone, rode a motorcycle and made more money than he did. I had never met anyone like him – he swept me off my feet. He would have flowers delivered once a week, he would make me romantic greeting cards, etc. Really, I had never dated anyone like him.
When we first slept together, I had no idea he was a virgin because he was enthusiastic and seemed to have an idea of what he was doing. Imagine my surprise when he revealed that I was his first!
About nine months later, he lost his job and was in danger of having to drop out of school and move home – about 600 miles away. I offered to let him move in with me, used some contacts to get him a much better paying job and married him a few months later.
The first two years were a lot of fun. I loved to dress up for him – corsets and costumes. We videotaped ourselves and tried almost everything.
We had a plan and I quit my job to go to school full time. Unfortunately, the less-active life of a student meant I started packing on the pounds. I could hardly believe it – I had never really had to count calories or work out before – but here I was, fat and with bad skin. In some ways, I guess it was just as well. At least I wouldn’t have an opportunity to indulge in temptations of hot co-eds.
After I graduated and landed a terrific job, I got serious about my body. I lost all the weight I had gained, plus more. My skin cleared up, I grew my hair out and even dyed it blonde to please him (I was blonde as a child, so it didn’t look too weird).
I prided myself on *not* being a nag. I didn’t want to have my husband’s balls in a jar on my nightstand. I encouraged him to go to strip clubs and have a good time. When I got laid off, despite being depressed, I still maintained our apartment, dressed nicely and kept myself attractive.
But all of that was for naught. It would seem that he actually wished I would nag him or boss him around or something. Even though all his friends and co-workers complained endlessly about their wife and kids (something we had discussed and wanted no part of), he appeared to feel left out.
He began an affair with a newlywed woman a few years older than I. Two months later (I was totally ignorant of his affair) he suddenly asked for a divorce. He told me he never wanted to marry me, that he’s been miserable for years and that he didn’t want to be married at all.
He married his mistress shortly after our divorce. They now have a child too, despite the fact that he got a vasectomy in year #3 of our 8 year marriage.
It sounds to me as though you were too good for your ex, and he felt he didn’t deserve you; obviously, he was right! Some men are intimidated by exceptional women, and the fact that you got him his job may have nagged at him. There may have been other issues, too; that was certainly the case with my ex!
Though divorce is painful, in the long run you will find a man who appreciates you and has the balls to be honest with you.
And thanks for the compliment about my blog!
At the time, it was awful – truly the worst experience ever, and I’ve been through some horrible crap.
The last six years of marriage were rough, partially because I was in school full time, but, and I don’t know this for certain, but he seemed to resent doing the work thing until it was his turn to go back to school.
After graduation, it was 2001 and it was like the world was coming down around my ears. 9/11 happened, then Enron and Arthur Andersen and then I was laid off. I worked at temporary jobs and contract positions, but I couldn’t find permanent work.
He developed a really nasty attitude about the household budget, too. We weren’t just living paycheck to paycheck, we were living paycheck to every other paycheck. See, the original plan was that he wanted to go into electrical engineering and/or software engineering with a focus on robotics. After taking a few classes at community college, he came home and announced that he changed his mind and wanted to be an actor!
I tried to take that in stride and so a lot of his free time was spent at auditions or rehearsals for plays, networking with film students, etc. I never bitched about his erratic hours; but his sudden purchases of trendy clothing (which we couldn’t afford), headshots, costumes, etc. would conflict with necessities like utilities and rent. He would pull money from the ATM to “go blow off steam” without telling me. It got so bad that the property management company informed me that they would no longer accept checks from us – we now had to have a cashier’s check drawn to pay our rent. *sigh*
In the end, I had a real attachment to being the “cool” wife and I accepted some pretty shitty behavior from him to maintain the title. When he left, I was unemployed with a sick, dying dog and had $50 to my name. Months later however, it was like a curse had been lifted. I was able to find work, I finally had money in savings, I bought myself a car, I started dating again – it was very nice.
Now that you’ve told that story, I’m even more certain he didn’t deserve you! And I know what you mean about a curse being lifted; people like your ex are real-life vampires, sucking up emotional energy and money to sustain their unnatural lives. His mistress did you a favor, and I wish you the very best of luck in finding a GOOD man!
Thank you, that is very kind of you to say. She is absolutely welcome to my sloppy seconds.
And I have CL to thank for my fantastic boyfriend. You know what is funny? All my friends told me to put personal ads on sites like eHarmony and Match. They said only hookers place ads on Craigslist. So – I made them a wager. I would post the exact same bio & profile on one of the mainstream sites and one on CL (only difference would be no pic on CL) and see where the quality responses came from.
I got a number of responses from both ads (around 30 each). The ones from CL had obviously read my ad and only those who matched my *ahem* tastes and interests replied. You know the other site? Every single one of the respondents, save one, met none of my requirements. It was like they simply saw my pic and emailed me. *groan*
My BF and I exchanged a lot of emails, then texts and instant messages and then phone convos before meeting in person. We took one look at each other and well…have been together ever since.
(Surgeons have a pretty good success rate for reversing vasectomies these days. Minor point, but I thought I’d just throw that in.)
I’m sorry this happened to you, Tonja. But if he wasn’t happy with you, eventually you would not have been happy with him. I won’t speculate on what he was unhappy about; how would I know? But now you are free to seek happiness elsewhere.
You sound to me like a hell of a catch.
Thank you, that’s nice of you to say. I couldn’t really tell you what he was unhappy about either. Perhaps he didn’t know himself, he was just so addled with infatuation for his mistress that he couldn’t bear to be with anyone but her.
I think I had been unhappy for years, but I was too numb, or resigned to keep my vow to do anything about it. It’s all good though – it’s over now and I’m free to seek my fortune elsewhere.
You definitely sound like a wonderful woman, and definitely an exceptional one.
It sounds to me that it’s a case of him not really knowing what he wanted, or who he really was. Without a sense of identity or direction, it’s not possible for a person to appreciate what they have.
It takes a fully realized, confident man to stick with his wife through the inevitable changes of life, and his behavior also seems erratic, almost teenagerish.
If he *said* to you that he didn’t want to be married, and then he *got* married, he sounds like someone that’s ‘in love with love.’ He might just like the newness & the excitement of the beginning of a relationship.
But nothing is more telling than someone marrying their mistress, who herself was newlywed. I’m shaking my head at the karma that’s coming his/their way.
I wracked my brain for months after he left, trying to figure it out. He never was a “think for yourselfer” and was influenced by whomever he was hanging out with at the time. Before he started school, his friends were all married men with kids and mortgages and in-laws. I think when they bitched about their responsibilities, my ex wasn’t mature enough to recognize that even though they were venting, they still loved their family and wouldn’t give it up for the world.
He met his mistress at some student film rehearsal he was doing. It turned out that their workplaces were close and he started pursuing her – calling, emailing, asking her out for lunch and coffee, all under the guise of “going over the script” or whatever.
She was engaged to this gorgeous man who seemed fairly successful. They married and went on a three week honeymoon. When she got back, an email from my ex telling her he missed her was all it took for her to take up with my husband. He obviously loved the thrill of screwing around behind my back – he would take the risk of sending her emails from the internet cafe where we had Sunday brunch, for instance.
They were only having an affair for two or three months when he told me that he wanted a divorce. Somehow, he talked her into filing for divorce as well. I ended up talking to her husband who seemed determined to move on with his life as quickly as possible. Too bad we couldn’t just exchange spouses – he was so pretty. Abercrombie and Fitch model pretty. *swoon*
So, yeah. I think in general that the original article is correct. It’s also one of many reasons I never wanted to have children – I loved my husband too much to do that to him. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I wanted a playmate and a companion and a confidante in addition to a permanent date/sex partner and I didn’t want to have to divert my attentions to kids.
Anyway, I mean, if he left when I was still fat and in school, I could totally understand. There just aren’t attractive clothing choices when you’re a size 16. I did my best, but some days, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t do better than sweats and a ponytail because I was trying to cram my head with studies and work three jobs.
But no, he left when I was a cute, blonde size 2. Sure, i had no job, but I was still receiving unemployment. I just don’t get it.
And yeah, he married his mistress almost as soon as he was legally able to do so. He even took her surname. I don’t know if he had a reversal of his vasectomy or if they performed some other procedure to suck the sperm out of his balls – but he now has a kid. He was fired from his job and is now an unemployed househusband.
A house husband who took her surname? There’s your answer, love; he’s a submissive male and was uncomfortable with your catering to him. He needed a woman who would control him and push him around. You’re DEFINITELY better off without him!
You’re right! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. And no wonder he kept doing provocative, nasty things- he was trying to get me to punish him. How bizarre. Ugh.
Well, some things are a lot easier to see from outside.
I’m no psychologist, but I think a lot of this sort of self-defeating behavior comes from things that women get indoctrinated with at a young age, things that are extremely hard to root out of one’s programming even if one is trying. A lot of women literally _can’t_ turn off the “oh, I must be ladylike, and s-x is unladylike” reaction; it’s down deep not far above things like toilet-training. Kind of like how some English people literally _can’t_ help reacting negatively to the wrong accent or dialect, even if they really want to overcome that reaction.
Men get indoctrinated with a lot of crap as well, but not on this front.
And if a woman’s first experiences aren’t all that enjoyable, she may well find it easier to just blow sex off as much as possible once she’s got the Ring of Power on her hand, and count on the way the divorce courts favor women to keep her husband at least nominally married to her, unattractive as she may let herself become and shrill and unpleasant as she may be to him.
That’s true, but women at one time understood the responsibility to provide sex, and that if they didn’t he’d get it from whores. Many modern Western women believe that they should be able to totally control the sex without repercussions or their husbands’ straying, which is childish and unrealistic.