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Posts Tagged ‘yin and yang’

On Monday evening I sent out this tweet, quoting an article someone else had tweeted (CAUTION: loud & obnoxious autoplay video):
People who follow me are mostly used to my hyperbole, but I reckon I touched a nerve because a couple of male internet friends took exception, asking whether I was passing judgment on women who have sex with men because they like them, and questioning whether I thought there was anything wrong with doing things for free that one could charge for, out of principle or affection, such as pro bono legal work or favors for friends.  I think my answer deserves a little expansion, and presentation in a more permanent medium than Twitter.

Like most people, I also do things for others I care about or whom I think it’s right to do things for, without asking for direct monetary compensation; however, I don’t deceive myself that those things aren’t labor.  I sometimes do have sex with men without cash changing hands, but those guys (or their wives or girlfriends) pay me in other ways; currency is not the only form of payment.  The problem isn’t when sexual labor is uncompensated by money, it’s when women buy into the male lie that sexual labor isn’t labor at all, because “mutuality”.  Oh, please.  I cook for people I love; I give them rides all over the place; I help them do manual labor; I wait on them when they’re sick.  And nobody pretends those things aren’t work just because I’m doing them for people I care about; that’s why we have expressions like “labor of love”.  But suddenly, when the work is sexual, everybody wants women to buy into the lie of “mutuality” even though I can sell my sexual labor & few men can; because so many men are willing to stick their dicks into anything warm (alive or not), dick is abundant and of low value.  It is not in any way an equal or fair trade for pussy, no matter what many men like to believe.  Expressed in economic terms, my sexual labor has value & his does not (except to other men); it’s a simple case of supply & demand.  So I’ll give sex for “free” (where that means “no direct cash exchange”) if and only if the recipient (note that word, which designates the one who receives a thing of value) recognizes that what I give him is a gift, a precious thing of high value that I choose to bestow upon him for some reason of my own, and not a thing he’s “owed” or, even worse, a thing that his own low-value participation constitutes “payment in kind” for.  In the case of a physical gift like jewelry, or a gift of labor like cooking a meal or helping a friend with some task, the recipient recognizes that the gift so conferred has value and expresses gratitude (unless he’s a semi-savage without proper manners).  But in the case of sex, men want to pretend that what was given wasn’t a gift but a “mutual experience”, and a woman who disagrees and demands recognition of her value is stigmatized & punished with insults, the threat or infliction of violence and, in barbaric regimes like the United States, organized state persecution, police violence and ostracism.  If that last weren’t true, this would be an academic discussion; however, it is true, and the recognition of the value of female sexual labor is not a mere intellectual exercise, but rather a matter of life and death for millions of women all over the world.

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I’m over 70 and no longer able to get an erection even with the meds available.  I’m in good shape, not bad looking and can afford it, but am reluctant to engage a girl.  What do you think?

One thing that I (and nearly nearly every sex worker I talk to) wish men understood is that we really don’t care about most of the things men think women care about, and that includes most of the things some amateur women do care about.  We really don’t care about clients’ looks, age, relative levels of physical fitness, penis size, ability to perform tricks they saw in porn movies or anything like that; what we do care about is that our clients are polite, generous, clean, respectful, prompt, appreciative, gentlemanly and realistic about their expectations.  What I mean by that last is, it’s not a problem if a gentleman is unable to get an erection, understands that, and asks for activities that don’t require one (of which there are many); the problem only arises (no pun intended) if he believes a whore can perform the sexual equivalent of a resurrection, and gets angry at her if she can’t.  In my career I’ve had plenty of men, including many younger than yourself, who were suffering from temporary or permanent erectile dysfunction, and as long as they understood and accepted that we were still able to have a good time cuddling, kissing, playing with toys, engaging in kink and other such activities that don’t involve erections.  But when such a man expected some kind of high-level sexual witchcraft beyond even my considerable skills, it rarely turned out well.  My advice to you, then, is to find a mature lady whose company you think you’ll enjoy regardless of what happens in the bedroom; go into the date knowing your limitations and clearly communicate those limitations to her; and enjoy the journey rather than being hell-bent on reaching some kind of destination to which there may no longer exist a bridge.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Contrary to the beliefs of many straight vanilla people, sexual focus, kinks & fetishes can’t usually be traced back to any defining event like being molested; most often, they are innate and the individual is aware of them to one degree or another at a very early age.  I was fascinated by bondage from at least the time I was four, though I had no idea what sex was; I just knew that depictions of women being bound or otherwise restrained had a very definite effect on me.  They made me feel “funny” and I couldn’t help watching, yet I was uncomfortable if anyone else was in the room with me (especially an adult).  As I grew older, I recognized these feelings as sexual, but even before that I would’ve almost certainly been deeply affected had some adult restrained me without my permission; I think it would have felt like a personal violation, attended by feelings of shame.  In fact, my friend Jillian Keenan has argued that this is a good reason to refrain from spanking children:  spanking fetishists experience spanking as a sexual act, often from a very young age, so when she was a child spanking felt to her like an intimate and humiliating violation, what we as adults would call sexual assault.  And since there’s no way to know which children have the fetish (it’s not at all an uncommon one), it’s a bad idea to risk inflicting a punishment which could result in sexual trauma.

Well, last week I was reading about female prisoners being shackled while giving birth, and a friend of mine wrote about being forced into shackles for a court appearance.  And in both cases I experienced weird, highly unpleasant, deeply disturbing feelings with sexual undertones, as I often do when reading about the subject.  And that started me thinking:  does being turned on by bondage make nonconsensual shackling worse than it would be for vanilla people?  What if being bound by someone I do not trust and to whom I have not given consent, someone who deliberately intends to harm & terrify me, makes the feeling of being restrained by pigs that much more terrifying, appalling & violative than it would to a vanilla woman?  It’s not just humiliating & scary, as I’m sure it is for everyone; it also makes me feel violated & dirty.  The feeling is not at all dissimilar to that of being raped:  it’s something that I perceive as a sexual act, something that at the hands of a person I trust would be exciting and hot, being used by evil thugs to display their power over me.  And since I have experienced both at the hands of pigs, I know whereof I speak; it’s not exactly the same feeling, but it is extremely similar.  There’s the same sense of contamination, like you want to shower afterward until the hot water runs out, but don’t feel as though you’ll ever be clean again.  And there’s a lingering trauma effect of feeling unsafe, even alone in one’s locked house, or in company of beloved friends, that never quite goes away ever again (though it does fade over time).

No conclusions here; it’s just food for thought.  But when I explored this idea on Twitter last week, a couple of men who are not kinky & have never been raped (one had been arrested, the other didn’t say) had the mind-boggling nerve to mansplain to me that the feelings weren’t the same, because (presumably) they can peer into my head and measure the reactions for comparison.  So before any bootlickers reading this claim its “necessary” for “officer safety” to shackle women, please let me preemptively tell you to shut the fuck up.  An average-sized woman arrested for a consensual “crime” is not a violent male criminal; there is no way my unarmed 132# self is of any danger to cops, and that goes triple for a pregnant woman in labor.  The handcuffs and shackles are solely for the purpose of humiliating and degrading the prisoner and breaking her down psychologically; they serve no other function.  They are the tools of a police state, and in defending the practice you are complicit in it.

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I’m a Christian who has only had sex with the woman I married, and we waited until our wedding night for that.  About 8 months ago my wife took the kids and moved out, then divorced me; her excuse was that she caught me looking at porn.  She bailed out of counseling, telling the counselor that it was all my fault.  At first I felt she was wrong, but then I found a couple of books on sex addiction and found myself on every page.  Now I’m attending a sex addiction program, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be clean.  Can you give me some advice?

My advice is simple, though I’m going to elaborate on it a bit:  You were correct when you thought your wife was being unreasonable, and you should work on accepting your sexuality rather than letting a bunch of profiteering prudes inflict a never-ending guilt trip on you.  As I and others have written many, many times, the entire concept of “sex addiction” is bullshit; it’s just Christian morality dressed up in psychobabble.  Sex is a natural function, not an outside chemical you’re introducing into your body; it’s no more possible to be “addicted” to sex than it is to be “addicted” to breathing, eating or pissing.  Try not taking a crap for a few days and watch how your thoughts slowly become dominated by thoughts of pooping; after a while your concentration will probably deteriorate and you won’t be able to think about much else.  Yet when your sex drives go similarly unrelieved, you actually believe people who tell you that means you’re an “addict”?  This is nonsense.  Studies show that so-called “sex addicts” don’t have sex (or think about it, or watch porn, or masturbate, or whatever) any more than other people do; they just feel more guilt and anxiety about their normal sexual impulses, and those bad feelings are directly correlated with the degree to which they carry guilt-inducing moral & religious attitudes about sex.  Those who write “sex addiction” books, teach “sex addiction” courses and give “sex addiction therapy” are charlatans, con artists who are profiting from “treating” a condition that can never be cured because it doesn’t exist in the first place.  The only way to “cure” sexual impulses is by castration (chemical or surgical), and even that’s not 100% because a lot of sex derives from regions of the brain which are going to do their thing even if your testosterone level drops to nearly zero.  And of course, all humans crave touch and intimacy no matter what their sex-hormone levels; the only way to “cure” that is to die.

In your very long letter you didn’t mention when you started looking at more porn and thinking about sex more often, but I’m willing to bet it correlates nicely with a decrease in physical intimacy with your wife.  I get letters with depressing regularity from Christian men whose Christian wives cut them off dry and then complain that said husbands pester them for sex or watch porn; this makes about as much sense as refusing to keep food in the house and then bitching because their husbands complain about being hungry or sneak out to McDonald’s.  For whatever reason, your wife wanted out of the marriage; porn provided her a convenient excuse that would satisfy her Christian family and allow her to push the blame off onto you.  The “sex addiction” industry is feeding on your guilt and will try to encourage your unhealthy sex-negativity so it can keep feeding; if you want to be cured, what you really need to do is stop believing the abusers who keep telling you that you’re sick.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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The producers [of an anti-porn video] lied.  Flat out.  –  Tyler Knight

Cops and Condoms

Amateur women: take a hint from whores, and assume any strange man you allow to fuck you is going to try to remove the condom:

Alexandra Brodsky…spoke with a number of people, mostly women, who have experienced nonconsensual condom removal…two common themes…appeared in her conversations:  “The first is that, unsurprisingly, survivors fear unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections…The second is that…survivors experienced nonconsensual condom removal as a clear violation of their bodily autonomy and the trust they had mistakenly placed in their sexual partner”…she…came across the term “stealthing” and discovered narratives from actual perpetrators teaching others how to exercise their “natural male right”…One…article…penned by…the username onesickmind…documented “a comprehensive guide” to stealth sex on the website Experience Project, including suggestions on how to get away with condom removal…

No, this isn’t “rape-adjacent”; it’s rape, pure and simple.  It’s a violation of the conditions of consent, which is rape.  And no, this isn’t a “movement” and it isn’t “growing”.  A certain percentage of men have always been this entitled, stupid & self-destructive.

Worse Than I Thought

Politicians are fond of saying their laws “send a message”.  The message sent by this one is, “women are moral imbeciles whose consent is immaterial, like young children”:

The PA Human Trafficking Statute provides a very specific and comprehensive list of 14 factual scenarios that cannot be relied upon as a defense to a civil action brought pursuant to the statute.  This list of “nondefenses” is as follows…The victim of the sex trade and the defendant had a consensual sexual relationship…The victim of the sex trade was paid or otherwise compensated for sex trade activity…The victim of the sex trade made no attempt to escape, flee or otherwise terminate the contact with the defendant…The victim of the sex trade consented to engage in sex trade activity…

Back and Forth 

Despite all the Dutch anti-whore campaigns, it’s nice to see this:

Mariska Majoor, founder of the Prostitution Information Center (PIC) and PROUD, the Dutch union for sex workers…received [a] knighthood for her contribution to sex workers rights in The Netherlands…for more than 20 years.  Mariska dedicated the honorable award to all sex workers…

The Missing Word

So having control of another person working at low wages & poor conditions as a nanny isn’t immoral, but working for oneself at a more lucrative job is.  Got that?

Dubai: A babysitter has been accused of working as prostitute during a random inspection visit by a municipality inspector, who found her rendering sexual services at a massage spa.  The 27-year-old Bangladeshi woman…was said to have absconded from sponsor’s house…in April 2016…the inspector found her involved in immoral practices…

The Widening Gyre (#441)

They finally realized they could expand the panic by adding male “sex slaves”:

D.C. police report there are almost as many missing young men as there are missing young women.  As of April 20 there have been reports of 550 missing young women and 534 missing young men this year…Runaways can also be victims of sex trafficking, but officials said gender can be a barrier in identifying victims…

In actuality, 92% of runaways return home, 86% within a week.

Soap Opera (#441)

A high-tech version of the “barcode tattoo” myth:

At the Second Annual Southern Indiana Human Trafficking Awareness Conference…the keynote speaker told the audience…”Tracking chips are becoming more popular in sex trafficking victims, as well.  They’re often found on victims’ hands between the forefinger and the thumb, as well as underneath their arms and on their necks“…So I asked David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center, if trafficking victims were actually being chipped. His reply:  “No.”  And while I had his attention, I also asked: “Have you heard of any children under age 10 kidnapped by strangers for sex trafficking in the U.S.?”  His answer?  “No”…

The Widening Gyre (#597)

“Sex trafficking terrorists”.  Because one moral panic at a time isn’t enough any more:

In 2015, the Europol European Police Office warned of the ever closer links between terrorist groups and criminal organizations….when it comes to money laundering, trafficking or falsification of passports.  [New propaganda]…adds…trafficking in human beings, and thus prostitution…jihadists…[are] sending young Iraqi and Syrian women to Turkey to resell 20,000 dollars per head to local criminal networks…

Saving Them From Themselves (#626)

Lowered penalties for teen sexting may sound like a step in the right direction, but in actuality they simply encourage prosecutors to file more charges for behavior that isn’t even criminal in the first place:

A new bill proposed this week in Massachusetts aims to stop treating teen sexters like child pornographers.  Instead, the law would allow [but not require] the alternative of an educational diversion program — like traffic school, only for underage naked selfies…The bill directs courts to send sexting teens directly into an educational program instead of going through the juvenile justice system, unless the district attorney objects [emphasis mine].  When prosecution is considered [fun and profitable by the DA], the bill classifies the offense of “engaging in peer to peer dissemination of explicit visual material” as a misdemeanor and specifically states that it “shall not be deemed a ‘sex offense.’” It also directs schools to…“provide [anti-sex mumbo-jumbo propaganda to traumatize teens for the ‘crime’ of being sexual beings]”…

The Mote and the Beam (#728)

ESPLERP has started a petition to fight politicians who want to destroy the internet:

…the No Immunity for Sex Traffickers Online Act…would change Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act so that companies like Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat could be held liable if [someone claims] a minor is trafficked on their sites…Maxine Doogan, president of [ESPLERP], accused [bill sponsor Ann] Wagner of exploiting concerns about sex trafficking to undercut internet freedoms…The…petition [against this new censorship law] has accrued 19,000 signatures already…

The Pro-Rape Coalition (#734) 

The offenses committed by Rashida Jones & company are even worse than we thought:

In the past few days alone, a host of porn performers and producers have come forward with allegations of unethical practices, from using sex workers’ images in the series without their consent to lying to them about the nature of the series and Jones’ involvement in it.  Several adult-film workers…were mislead about who was behind the project.  The original movie’s moralizing, breathless, and often biased take on the porn industry made it anathema among adult entertainers, and these workers say they would not have participated in the series had they known it was from Rashida Jones or other producers of the original…porn performer Tyler Knight wrote…”I asked members [of] the production several times.  The producers lied.  Flat out…it was under this false pretense that they sought access to people and productions…who would otherwise have declined had they been informed”…producer and performer Jay Taylor concurred with Knight. “They lied about the nature of the project to get us to sign releases…We ASKED if it was HGW, and they swore up and down it wasn’t”…

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I’ve been married for about 6 months and my husband needs sex almost every day, but I’m not into this most of the time.  Sometimes we speak about role play, and other times he spanks me, but later I feel guilty that we may have done something wrong.  How can I increase my desires?

I’m a little concerned that you’re already disinterested so soon after marriage; do you feel that your level of desire has changed since the wedding?  In other words, were you more interested in sex at first, but now find that you’re less so?  If that’s the case, it might be helpful for you to pay attention to when you feel interested, and when you don’t; for example, do you feel more receptive to sex on days when you don’t work, or when your husband treats you in a certain way (helps you, compliments you, etc)?  Do you feel less interested when he wants to do things (like spanking) that make you feel guilty?  You didn’t mention your age or background, but I’m going to guess you’re fairly young (under 30) and from a traditional upbringing that taught you to feel guilty about sex.  So what I’m thinking is that your husband may be more experienced than you, and might be rushing you into things you’re not quite ready for yet.  As I suggested, note the times you feel more interested in sex, and tell your husband so; when he wants to do things that make you feel shy or guilty, say to him, “I really like it when you do x to me” (where “x” is something you’ve noticed makes you feel sexy).  People tend to respond better to positive statements such as “I like it when you do this”, than to negative statements like “I don’t like it when you do that”.  That having been said, if he does something you really dislike, you need to tell him so gently but firmly (as advice rather than as an accusation).  Marriage is a partnership, and though your husband may always want more sex than you do, he has to take care of your needs, too.  Over time, you’ll become more comfortable with sex, and experimentation won’t seem quite so strange to you; at that time, you may find that things which used to bring on guilt no longer bother you so much.  It looks to me as though you love your husband and want to be a good wife to him, but for right now he needs to demonstrate his love for you by being patient and allowing you to sexually mature at your own rate.  If he keeps pushing you too quickly, it’s just going to make you resentful and less interested in sex, and that’s not good for either of you.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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How can I convince my wife to see an escort with me?

The short, pithy, and not-entirely-accurate answer is, “You can’t.”  Now, hear me out; I’m not just being a killjoy.  That answer is based on some assumptions, hence the “not entirely accurate” descriptor; if any of these assumptions are incorrect, the short answer also might not be.  However, I’m willing to bet that even as it is, it’s hovering around the 75th percentile of applicability.

First of all, if your wife were the “game for anything” type, you probably wouldn’t have asked me this question; the two of you would’ve already discussed it, and even if she said “no” prior experience would almost certainly give you a hint as to how to proceed in convincing her.  I’m also going to assume that she has never expressed a strong interest in bringing another woman into bed with you; if she had, it would’ve been a simple matter for you to say, “That sounds like a great idea, but we should probably just hire a pro so as to avoid awkward situations with friends and the uncertainty & weirdness of trying to pick up a gal together at a bar or party.”  I’m even going to assume that she has not openly (or even coyly) expressed a desire to “spice up” your sex lives, because that would’ve given you an opening to suggest something.  No, I’m going to assume that you’ve had a pretty vanilla sex life so far, and that you have a fantasy of being in bed with two women that she doesn’t (to your knowledge) share.  And if that’s the case, please reread the first line of this column.

Now, there are a few caveats; you might try making a kind of vague suggestion about spicing up your sex lives, and see where that leads you.  But before you do that, I need to give you two warnings:

A) It’s not unusual for vanilla amateur women to react to such a suggestion by taking it personally and getting angry at you for insinuating that your sex life is boring; the mere suggestion may precipitate an argument in which work, children and the fact that you don’t pay much attention to her any more will almost certainly be mentioned.

B) Even if A doesn’t happen, most vanilla amateur women’s idea of “spicing things up” is a “romantic” (and much more expensive than hiring me for two hours) vacation to a quaint little bed and breakfast.  Or Hawaii.  During which you may or may not have the same kind of boring sex you’ve had for years, only in a different (and much more expensive) bed.

Do I sound a bit jaded?  You’ll have to forgive me; even before I was a professional I had a long history of being “the other woman” (for partners of both sexes) and the understanding friend who consoles people over their romantic difficulties.  And I’ve seen this script played out on a regular basis since 1983.  The sad fact of the matter is, the majority of modern American women have been thoroughly brainwashed into the belief that male sexuality is inherently pathological, and your desire for variety will be dismissed as a sign that something is wrong with you and/or that you don’t love her any more.  Please don’t take this as meaning I’m letting men off the hook; there are plenty of things men could do to improve their marriages, but that wasn’t the question which was asked.  And though men are usually more receptive to trying out their female partners’ fantasies than vice versa, that isn’t necessarily the case if said fantasy threatens his delicate ego in the same way that a man’s desire for variety can threaten a woman’s sense of security.  Furthermore, I can assure you from both personal experience and the experiences of female friends, vanilla men are every bit as likely to be squicked out by kinky fantasies they don’t share as vanilla women are.  My advice to any man who wants to be in bed with two women is, unless your wife has clearly expressed interest in such a thing, just ask an escort to arrange a duo for you; you’ll get what you want without drama, and it’ll be a lot cheaper in the long run.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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