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Posts Tagged ‘psychology’

Last week was a whirlwind of travel and other commitments; it seemed as though I just couldn’t stop!  This isn’t to say it was all unpleasant; far from it!  In fact, as I alluded to in Friday’s “Learning to Relax“, a lot of it was very pleasant indeed.  And this week is shaping up to be another good one.  The only really bad thing about last week was multiple rental-car company screwups which made what should have been ordinary tasks into multi-hour ordeals, but while I’d usually get very upset about those, this time they only barely ruffled my feathers.  My credit card company temporarily shutting off my card because they seem to think it’s suspicious for a person whose billing address is in Houston, and whose account was started in Tulsa, to be in Dallas is a different story; however, a few minutes of screaming, cursing and telling a customer service rep that I’m 50 years old and don’t need their permission to travel sorted that out quickly enough.  Even my flights were relatively stress-free now that I’ve doubled my dose of diazepam and added yet another precaution: eat absolutely nothing for at least 6 hours before takeoff time, so there’s nothing in my stomach to lose if I do get queasy.  I’ll be trying that again this week when I fly to San Francisco; I’ll be very busy Friday and Saturday, but if you can do an evening appointment on Thursday & can be a little flexible in case my flight arrives late, drop me a line.  Also, sometime in the next month or so I’ll be visiting Chicago to promote The Forms of Things Unknown; I’ll keep you posted!

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Please don’t touch me.  –  John Benji Haygood

Like nearly everything these days, this parody of the “your brain on drugs” video (provided by Lucy Steigerwald) is overdone and unnecessarily verbose.  But it features the same woman who did the original, and that makes it worth a watch.  The links above it are from Radley Balko (“fascism” and “together”), Glenn Kessler (“boxes”), Jesse Walker (“pinball”), Jillian Keenan (“autistic”), and Mistress Matisse (“prohibition”).

From the Archives

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He had had prior run-ins with local authorities.  –  Alexandra Petri

Guitarist J Geils, who founded the band that bore his name, died this week; a lot of sex workers dislike the band’s most famous song, “Centerfold”, for what seems to be acceptance of the Madonna/whore dichotomy.  But the narrative persona in a song does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the songwriter (were the Rolling Stones advocating for war & genocide in “Sympathy for the Devil”?) and in this case, I’ve always felt the last line of the song indicates the writer’s real feelings about people who express the dichotomy.  The links above the video were provided by Rick HorowitzJesse Walker (x2), PopehatMike SiegelRadley Balko, and Mike Chase (in that order).

From the Archives

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It’s amazing to me that supposedly rational adults go around making stupid proclamations like “the commodification of sex is sad”.  For right now, let’s ignore the utterly asinine notion that some small fraction of people feeling “sad” about something is an argument for its criminalization; I’ve already covered that pretty thoroughly elsewhere.  And just for today, let’s ignore the incredible stupidity of the concept that “fair exchange is sad”, which appears to imply that coerced, uneven and unfair exchanges are wonderful; let’s also forget about the fact that such moronic opinions are used as an excuse to send armed thugs to deceive, shame, brutalize, rape, rob, cage and destroy the lives of peaceful adults for the “crime” of consensual sex.  Let’s limit ourselves to examining that childish and ignorant opinion in isolation from its inevitable consequences in a society where the powerful believe they have the right to use violence to inflict their opinions, no matter how utterly imbecilic, on others, and where those with severe malacia of the cranium and vertebrae fervently support their rulers in that belief.  Stripping away those other factors, what we’re left with is this:  Sex IS an exchange, whether you like it or not; it always has been & always will be.  In some unusual & lovely circumstances the exchange is so intimately mutual it seems to cost nothing to either party, but such situations are both rare & very short-lived and people’s needs are neither.  Furthermore, I find it very strange (and, frankly, stupid) that people only reserve words like “sad” for sexual exchanges; nobody goes to see a great movie & then says it was “sad” that they had to pay admission, that the actors were professionals & that the movie made money.  And nobody enjoys a delicious dinner and then claims it’s “sad” they had to pay the check & tip the waiter.  But somehow, sex generates a lot of idiotic Utopian mumbo-jumbo in the minds of otherwise reasonable people (and even more so in the minds of the evil and/or intellectually deficient).  So if you think it’s “sad” sex is subject to economics, I have only four words to say to you:  Grow the fuck up.

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I’ve been married for about 6 months and my husband needs sex almost every day, but I’m not into this most of the time.  Sometimes we speak about role play, and other times he spanks me, but later I feel guilty that we may have done something wrong.  How can I increase my desires?

I’m a little concerned that you’re already disinterested so soon after marriage; do you feel that your level of desire has changed since the wedding?  In other words, were you more interested in sex at first, but now find that you’re less so?  If that’s the case, it might be helpful for you to pay attention to when you feel interested, and when you don’t; for example, do you feel more receptive to sex on days when you don’t work, or when your husband treats you in a certain way (helps you, compliments you, etc)?  Do you feel less interested when he wants to do things (like spanking) that make you feel guilty?  You didn’t mention your age or background, but I’m going to guess you’re fairly young (under 30) and from a traditional upbringing that taught you to feel guilty about sex.  So what I’m thinking is that your husband may be more experienced than you, and might be rushing you into things you’re not quite ready for yet.  As I suggested, note the times you feel more interested in sex, and tell your husband so; when he wants to do things that make you feel shy or guilty, say to him, “I really like it when you do x to me” (where “x” is something you’ve noticed makes you feel sexy).  People tend to respond better to positive statements such as “I like it when you do this”, than to negative statements like “I don’t like it when you do that”.  That having been said, if he does something you really dislike, you need to tell him so gently but firmly (as advice rather than as an accusation).  Marriage is a partnership, and though your husband may always want more sex than you do, he has to take care of your needs, too.  Over time, you’ll become more comfortable with sex, and experimentation won’t seem quite so strange to you; at that time, you may find that things which used to bring on guilt no longer bother you so much.  It looks to me as though you love your husband and want to be a good wife to him, but for right now he needs to demonstrate his love for you by being patient and allowing you to sexually mature at your own rate.  If he keeps pushing you too quickly, it’s just going to make you resentful and less interested in sex, and that’s not good for either of you.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Diary #353

One of the most wonderful things in the world to me is when I introduce people I love to one another and they become friends as well.  In a world full of chaos and conflict, there’s something deeply gratifying about facilitating connections that increase the amount of love in my personal ecosystem.  As I’ve mentioned before, it deeply distresses me when people I love argue with one another; the other side of that coin is that I feel validated and emotionally fed when people I love have a positive effect on each other’s lives.  Grace has now met all of my Seattle friends (during several visits and at the last Desiree conference) and they all liked and welcomed her; then last month I had the joy of organizing a small get-together in which two of the women I love most in the world (who already knew each other but weren’t really close) had a chance to bond and become much closer.  Then last week, another very dear friend visited me from out of town, and I had a very small party to introduce her to my inner circle…and once again, they all bonded and will, I think, become good friends.  That’s a winning situation for everybody involved; each of them gains a new friend, and the coven in which I feel safe and loved grows a little larger.  It’s no secret that I’ve had an unusually difficult life, and many have remarked on how hard and cynical it has made me.  But when I’m with people I love and trust I can lay down my figurative sword and doff my emotional armor (and often my literal clothes) for a while, and let the din of battle fade into the distant background, and I don’t think even my umpteen-greats grand-mère Aella will begrudge me that brief respite. 

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There are many instances of drug dealers altering flavor and packaging of cocaine or methamphetamines to appeal to children.  –  Dianne Feinstein

As regular readers know, I never used cannabis before moving to Seattle, and I dislike smoking the stuff.  But I’ve become very fond of edibles, and here’s an interesting video on the differences between smoking & eating (courtesy of Emma Evans).  The links above it were provided by Mirriam Seddiq (“does”), Tim Cushing  (“nope”, “reason” & “dinosaurs”), Amy Alkon (“Neighborhood”), Police Misconduct  (“dog”), and Grace (“together”).

From the Archives

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