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Posts Tagged ‘psychology’

Have you ever come across any asexual escorts?  I’m asexual but sex positive and interested in getting into the business.  I feel like personally I’d have it easier than some because while I have great empathy with people, and enjoy socializing, I have no sexual or romantic attraction to make things messy.

As long as you’re good at faking sexual response and you aren’t actually repulsed by sex, being asexual is not in itself a barrier to being a sex worker.  No professional finds the majority of her clients attractive, and we all have some clients who are if anything the opposite of attractive.  Furthermore, I know more than a few escorts who are lesbians, yet still do quite well.  The reason is simple:  though many men seem unable to understand it or may even deny it, the fact is that an escort’s service for her client is a performance, not a “mutual” sexual experience such as amateurs claim to prefer (mostly because they can’t separate Hollywood fantasy from practical reality).  The truth is, a woman who is having sex to fulfill her own needs cannot possibly devote as much energy and attention to her partner as a skilled and perceptive sex worker can, precisely because she is paying attention at least in part to her own needs rather than devoting 100% of her attention to the task at hand.  It’s the same reason 69 is a really crappy position even though many amateurs are fascinated by it, and the same reason professionals are so frustrated by clients who insist that “I want to please yoooooooouuuu!” (which is generally code for “I want to go down on you”, because a lot of guys have been brainwashed into thinking that every woman just adores cunnilingus, and have convinced themselves that they’re experts at performing it).  At the end of the day, a sex worker’s personal interest in or desire for sex is of little importance; what matters is her ability to divine and respond to her client’s needs, to give him a good time, and to make him feel accepted and appreciated.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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When Jae and I started dating four years ago, she wrote a poem for me that I dearly loved.  Actually, I should say she composed it for me, because she never actually wrote it down.  I asked her to do it a few times, but after her accident she couldn’t clearly remember it all; she’d occasionally come out with snippets of it, but the whole seemed to elude her.  I had given up hope of ever hearing it all again, but last year she started regaining large chunks of lost memory, and after I published “Bird of Prey” (which was inspired by her) she promised she would work on bringing the poem back up into consciousness and writing it down for me.  Then on Christmas day, she handed me a little scroll…and there it was, very close to the way I remembered it.  Naturally, I asked if I could share it, so here it is; I hope you like it as much as I do even though it isn’t about you.

Snake Mama

She’s got the click-clack of high heels hitting blacktop.
She’s got sarcasm dripping from the edge of her tongue.
She’s got the body of a Venus, and a mind tougher than shoe leather.
She’s got naked pictures of herself floating about the city;
She’s got no problem with that. She curves like the beauty of the open road.
She’s got that edge…you know, that edge?  That leather cuffs in the back of
The top drawer of her dresser, unspoken yet well-used kind of edge.

She’s a certain kind of woman, like a Goddess in a Teacup, and
She was born with a flask of rebellion-and-kindness cocktail
Strapped high on her right hip-bone.
She’s armed with words that can wound, and words that may hurt, and
She wields them like band-aids on a battlefield.
She oozes courage when she does that…
She’s a red-lit woman ready to be seen, and
She’s got precious elements of your anatomy tied up and quivering in her fist.
And it’s unlikely you will even try to get them back.

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Is this going to school or going to prison?  –  anonymous Chinese citizen

On the Simultaneous Having and Eating of Cake 

I’ve been waiting for this shoe to drop:

Lawsuits alleging improper classification of workers and a recent California Supreme Court labor law ruling are impacting…adult dancers in San Francisco, many of whom once relied on daily cash payouts to survive…dancers, previously considered independent contractors, now are walking out of club doors with biweekly employee paychecks and not with cash in hands after their shifts end.  The move to convert adult dancers to employee status is causing an exodus…[from] those establishments…BSC Management…operates the majority of adult clubs in San Francisco…According to Axel Sang, BSC’s marketing director…“The BSC-managed clubs now have matching payroll taxes, unemployment compensation, workman’s compensation, Healthy San Francisco costs, Affordable Care Insurance costs and San Francisco sick leave pay for several hundred new employee entertainers in addition to the hourly wage”…Sang estimated that 200 dancers have quit their jobs since the policy change to paychecks…

Blunt Instrument (#596)

Due to their visibility, massage parlors are taking the brunt of the “sex trafficking” hysteria in smaller cities:

…the New Port Richey [Florida] City Council approved the first reading of an ordinance that would ban bathhouses in the city…[in an attempt to strangle] massage parlors…The ordinance would ban any establishment that’s not a medical facility from [letting water touch] clients.  Anyone who violates the law would be fined up to $500 for each violation and possibly imprisoned for up to 60 days…

Subtle Pimping (#802) 

Yet another scumbag profits from the criminalization of sex work by basing a game on lies about us:

Billy Cain…started searching for a way to use virtual reality technology — or VR — to [profit from] people…[by promoting hysteria] about sex trafficking…Texas has been a hub for…human trafficking [hysteria] for [a] decade…[one typically disgusting masturbatory fantasy claims] 79,000 children are being sex trafficked in Texas at any given moment…[in] his sex trafficking [sex fantasy] simulation…people put on a special pair of goggles to [roleplay an imaginary] 13-year-old girl who fell victim to trafficking.  In “Trapped: VR Detective Story”, players see where the girl is being held and interact with objects to [flesh out the fantasy prior to masturbation]…players will learn…who is most vulnerable to being trafficked — anyone.  Anywhere.  From any background…

TRAFFICKERS ARE EVERYWHERE!  THEY’RE WAITING TO GET YOU!  EVERYBODY PANIC, THEN BUY MY GAME!

Overdue

Collapsing empires are obsessed with form over substance:

“We’ve made a conscious effort in TSA … to use floppy ear dogs,” TSA Administrator David Pekoske told the Washington Examiner…”We find the passenger acceptance of floppy ear dogs is just better…Doesn’t scare children”…in the last year, 80 percent of dogs purchased by TSA…were…breeds…[with] droopy ears…which are deemed less intimidating…

Yes, the people who literally grope children’s genitals claim they’re worried that dogs will frighten them.

Choke Point (#850) 

Useful idiots are unable to understand how precedent works:

…a death metal/black metal record label has shut down in the wake of PayPal pulling out support for processing purchases, along with the creditors at Visa and MasterCard because the company was labeled as “high risk”, “promoting hatred”, “promoting violence”, and “promoting hate speech”…Elegy Records, a label that hosted all sorts of death metal music since 1996…[has closed due to] the inability to sign with a normal credit processor due to being…classified as “high risk” by the banks and credit processors, which meant that he was effectively blacklisted from the banking industry…the only way to accept payments from customers was…via cash or money orders.  For online businesses it’s not possible to operate without some sort of banking institution, or credit card processing since all purchases are made electronically…

It always starts with a politically-unpopular group like sex workers or gun owners, but never stops there.

Pyrrhic Victory (#857) 

Where US schools are soon headed:

In China’s latest quest to build an all-seeing surveillance state, schools…in…one of China’s poorest provinces…are now required to wear…uniforms…embedded with electronic chips that track their movements…[they] keep track of the exact times that students leave or enter the school…an[d]…facial-recognition equipment stationed at the school entrance can match a student’s face with the chip embedded in the uniform…The chips…can activate an alarm when the sensor detects that a student has fallen asleep in class…

Pyrrhic Victory (#884) 

While activists and Amazon’s own shareholders & employees were asking for the company not to support fascism, Bezos was doing this:

The FBI is piloting…Amazon Rekognition…as a means to sift through mountains of video surveillance footage the agency routinely collects…While Amazon is now a significant supplier of technology to the government…[and] includes the CIA and Defense Department as customers—it is less clear how its facial recognition software is being used in the [police state]…the company pitched the software to Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials last summer, a move that has…Amazon employees asking questions.  The company does not list any federal clients on its customer page, and currently only identifies as a customer one local law enforcement agency, the Washington County Sheriff Office…[yet]…the city of Orlando recently began a second pilot of…[the] software…

Imaginary Victims (#896) 

The Cyntoia Brown case has attracted attention to the cases of other underage sex workers who killed abusive clients:

…Chrystul Kizer, 18, is charged with first-degree homicide, arson and auto theft for the June 5 shooting death of Randall Volar III.  She was 17 when Volar was killed…he had been shot twice, and that the fire to the house appeared to have been set…Investigators said…Volar had paid for an Uber driver to bring Kizer from Milwaukee to his home…she initially denied knowing Volar, but later told police that “he (Volar) helped her with money and places to stay”…she reportedly confessed, saying “she got upset and was tired of Volar touching her” and that she had shot him…before his death Volar was under investigation by the Kenosha Police Department for sexual conduct with underage girls.  In a motion to compel discovery…[her lawyer stated] “The defense believes that the discovery in this case suggests that Ms. Kizer acted in self-defense”…

First They Came for the Hookers… (#900) 

It’s rare that judges side with sex workers against the government:

Imagine a symphony orchestra barred by the state from performing again because a musician was [accused of selling] marijuana to a colleague backstage…In Providence, Rhode Island…it happened to a strip club called the Foxy Lady.  On Dec. 19, the Providence Board of Licenses voted to permanently shut down the…[club] after police arrested three employees [and accused them of prostitution]…By doing so, the board threw more than 200 people out of work less than a week before Christmas.  Within days, the state Department of Business Regulation quickly restored the club’s liquor license, but the Foxy Lady’s owners were required by law to petition the state Supreme Court to regain its entertainment license…the state Supreme Court agreed to issue a stay, allowing the club to reopen for now, but the threat of future closure remains…

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Its Own Reward

It always amuses me to hear pompous folk making disparaging remarks about cynicism.  They call it “sad” or “foolish” or even “stupid”, demonstrating that they have absolutely no idea of what they’re talking about and are afraid to admit the truth about the world.  In truth, there is absolutely no conflict between cynicism and idealism, and if someone portrays them as opposites they’re merely demonstrating their inability to separate the physical realm from the spiritual.  If you’ve been reading my work for a while you may have noticed that despite my dyed-in-the-wool cynicism, I am quite idealistic.  This does not mean I swing back and forth between the two, nor that my cynicism results from “disappointed idealism”; I learned to see the world as it is, rather than as I would like it to be, around the time I stopped believing in Santa Claus.  What it means is that I recognize the actual meaning of the word “ideal”, and understand that it’s the people who expect the world to conform to their own personal view of morality who are the sad, foolish, naive ones.  Though I expend tremendous effort to do what is right, and to speak truth to power, and to fight the evils which seek to reduce all individual souls to cogs in the machine of “society”, I labor under no illusion that my efforts will change the world in any permanent fashion; even if a culture arose which accepted all that I believe as sacred truth, that culture would be as mortal as any other and would eventually be replaced by another awful one.  The secret to balancing realism and idealism is understanding that morality is independent of results or even recognition.  I know when I die, tyrants and other control freaks will make an effort to bury my writing & activism along with my ashes and reduce me to “dead whore”.  And even if that effort succeeds, it won’t matter because I don’t do what I do for recognition or reward or even the belief that I can make the world a better place; I do it simply because it is right.  Even if mortals forget what I stood for, the gods will remember.  And even after they forget the fact will still remain as an infinitesimal but beautiful part of the fabric of time, long after the earth and sun are nothing but scattered debris recycled into other worlds.

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Diary #444

Just a few days after returning to Seattle, I went back to Sunset for the New Year and enjoyed several glorious days of doing mostly nothing, a pastime I cannot enjoy sober; however, since I was not sober for very much of the period between Sunday evening and yesterday morning, everything worked out just fine.  The Yuletide season ends Saturday and the carnival season begins Monday, and I’m already planning to return to Sunset for Imbolc, at which time I’ll make a big pot of gumbo.  And with any luck, the floor will finally be repaired by then and we can move on to the bookcases.  How much longer will it be before I consider the place presentable?  I’m not sure; I know what projects need to be done, but these things always take longer to finish than I expect because most people don’t pursue their goals with the single-minded fixation of a jitterbug on meth…and fortunately for my mental health, I’m finally beginning to learn that I don’t have to either.

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Diary #443

Last Saturday I drove out to Sunset for Christmas, and didn’t return until early Wednesday evening; normally I don’t like doing things on Boxing Day, but Grace and Chekhov had some things to do starting early yesterday so I didn’t want to get in their way.  It was a lovely, relaxing holiday; on Sunday evening we got blissfully high and just lay around talking and listening to Christmas music, then on Monday I cleaned up the house while the others went to town for last-minute supplies.  We had several guests for Christmas dinner, and one brought some lovely spiced rum infused with THC (which delivered quite a kick when added to eggnog and I will definitely be asking for more when this bottle is done).  My mood was so positive it wasn’t even disrupted by having to chase a certain naughty pony who found a weak spot in the fence and decided to make it her personal escape hatch (the spot was patched and I’ve asked Chekhov to do a more permanent repair this week).  Grace is also about to start on the floor repair, and after that the next project is building bookshelves so my collection can finally be properly displayed for the first time since we left New Orleans.  Sunset isn’t my dream home, and we still have a lot of work to do before I can really be proud of it.  But it’s all mine with nothing owed, and it’s a cozy place I can retreat to as often as I like.  And that’s worth more than all the silly dreams I’ve ever wasted tears over.

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Sex work prohibitionism is entirely based in negative emotions such as envy, resentment, and bigotry, plus the most common and destructive of all sexual perversions: the need to inflict one’s own will on non-consenting individuals.  As I and others have explained, this is why sex workers can’t help “incels”:  it isn’t sex that they want, it’s ownership.  If they just wanted sex they could pay for it like any other man, but that isn’t enough for them; they want to own women like slaves because they believe themselves to be entitled to unlimited sexual access like the successful men they call “alphas” (whom they imagine get sex without paying).  The reason I’m mentioning this is because these are the emotions and twisted cognitive processes behind last week’s “thot audit”, a trollfest in which deeply-pathetic manbabies tried to make themselves feel powerful and frighten ill-informed sex workers by threatening to report them to the IRS for tax evasion.

There’s just so much to unpack here, starting with the highly popular but largely-erroneous notion that sex workers don’t pay taxes (most visible in the ignorant proclamation of wannabe allies that “we should legalize and tax it”); sorry, y’all, but most of us know who Al Capone was and we aren’t stupid.  Failing to placate a gang of thieves who have been granted the power to move without let or hindrance to collect their pound of flesh from anyone currently or formerly alive, and who have absolutely no compunction against ruining any given person’s life on a whim, is just plain stupid.  Yes, a lot of our income is cash, and yes, most of us put something other than “prostitute” on our tax returns (I used to put “escort service owner”, now I put “writer”).  But full-time sex workers do pay taxes, not only because it’s foolish to attempt to cheat the devil of his due, but also because we don’t want to be locked out of the financial system; owning a house, property and credit cards is definitely worth giving the government its blood money.  Do some part-timers and dilettantes only declare the income from their “straight” jobs and keep the sex work cash quiet?  Undoubtedly, but the same goes for anyone with a side gig.  Singling out sex workers has nothing to do with whether we pay some lawhead idea of a “fair share” or not, and everything to do with trying to hurt women out of a frustrated sense of male entitlement; though men control just about everything else, women have a solid lock on the sphere of hetero sexuality…the thing most men care about more than anything else.

But since lots of writers had stuff to say about this, I feel no need to duplicate their efforts.  Let’s start with Elizabeth Nolan Brown in Reason:

…Where to begin with the grossness and pointlessness of these pursuits?…What kind of bootlicking busybodies spend their spare time worrying about whether individual strangers are paying enough in taxes, much less take the time to report them?  Then there’s the ignorance.  Plenty of solo sex workers, adult entertainers, and models do pay taxes, just like other independent contractors…Sex workers have the same incentives as everyone else to stay on the good side of Uncle Sam…Lastly, there’s the futility of the whole business.  Blogger Roosh V, who was one of the men leading the #thotaudit charge, pointed his followers to a page of the IRS website for reporting tax evaders, even suggesting that the feds might reward them for rounding up hoes.  But…reporting someone requires you to know a lot about the person you’re turning in, including her full name and address—information random dudes online aren’t likely to have for the ladies they’re tattling on…even if they did have all the correct information, there’s little likelihood that the IRS would care.  The page specifically notes that it’s interested in situations involving “a significant Federal tax issue”—i.e., not someone making a few hundred unreported dollars per year selling used underwear and butt selfies.  As…Mistress Matisse put it: “Dudes, they want Donald Trump, they don’t want camgirls”…

Tracy Clark-Flory quotes me in Jezebel:

…How these trolls would know anything about the inner workings of any individual sex worker’s tax dealings is a mystery.  But the boy geniuses behind this ploy are mighty impressed with themselves.  The…dude who started it all recently posted to his Facebook page an image depicting himself as a warrior holding up the heads of three women’s faces overlaid with Snapchat filters…While many #ThotAudit-ers allege that they are, indeed, making formal reports to the IRS, there is no evidence to back up their claims.  The IRS did not respond to Jezebel’s request for comment…Maggie McNeill…told Jezebel, “Several of us were as amused by this as we were disgusted.” Amused, she explained, because of “its impotence,” and disgusted “by its ugliness.”  McNeill continued, “It’s just a new retread of the ‘criminal sluts’ male fantasy of sex work: that we’re all ‘loose women’ who are too lazy to do ‘real work’ and make a killing without paying taxes”…

Vice, in one of its periodic swings toward supporting sex workers, gave far too much credence to these nasty little boys, but had a few good points:

…To report someone through the whistleblower program, you need a lot of their personal information:  Physical address, full legal name, date of birth (or approximate age), and taxpayer identification number…You also have to have to have specific information about the type of fraud being alleged as well as how much money the person being reported has earned; it’s clear from the forms…that this is generally intended for people within companies to whistleblow about tax evasion that they have…document…[to] prove…You also have to physically mail all of this information to the IRS, because it does not accept any of this information by phone or email; one of the whistleblower programs specifically states that anyone submitting information does so under the threat of perjury…Christopher Kirk, attorney and master preparer at Safeword Tax Service…said….“Most sex workers tend not to earn enough to catch the notice of the IRS.  With their limited staff resources, the IRS tends to go after larger operators”…

Anyhow, this whole 50-clown-car pile-up of buffoonery was to me summed up by last Monday’s revelation that David Wu, the dude who started it, has a history of trying to extort nude pictures from underage girls using threats of doxxing; the whole “thot audit” nonsense is exactly that sleazy practice, writ large, albeit less competently.

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