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Posts Tagged ‘genitalia’

It happened again this week:  somebody emailed me a question that I could answer, but won’t.

When I first started this blog seven years ago, I was just a little past 40 and still a little bit naive about the capacity of humans to handle unpleasant truths.  Of course I recognized that most people prefer to live in blissful ignorance than to have their comfortable delusions challenged, but I foolishly believed that the sort of person who would read a blog specifically offering “frank commentary” from a hooker would be different.  And you know what?  I was wrong.  Just because someone’s against the establishment and wants to change the status quo doesn’t make them open-minded; very often, it just means they want to establish their own censorious, oppressive status quo.  So during the first year I was writing The Honest Courtesan, I often stepped on the toes of people who weren’t actually my enemies, and against whom I meant no disrespect or offense.  Sometimes it was because I was wrong; sometimes it was because I was basically right, but expressed myself in a clumsy or offensive way; and sometimes it was because I was completely right, but the objectors simply didn’t like what I was saying so they mischaracterized it as something else or simply denied that I was qualified to opine on the subject at all.  The majority of the times the latter happened, it was because I’m not a member of whatever group the question involved; on a few occasions, people who wanted to be offended have actually claimed I wasn’t a member of some group that I actually am a member of, so as to have an excuse to attack me.  I’ve had women claim I was never raped because they were angry that I challenge neofeminist bullshit about rape; before I went back to work prohibitionists would often claim I had never been a whore (it’s kinda hard to do that now that my escort ads are easily found on Google by typing in “Maggie McNeill Seattle escort”); and before I was showing my face in copious selfies and freaking TELEVISION APPEARANCES, some idiots who thought themselves clever tried to claim I was a man (specifically a client) because they didn’t want to believe that a woman might not think like them.

At first, this didn’t really bother me, but now I’m over 50 and operating in a chronic state of emotional exhaustion, and people with axes to grind are just looking for excuses to undermine my work by making asinine accusations against me; some of these are even sex workers for whom ideological purity trumps actually unifying to fight for decriminalization.  So I’m sorry, but I will no longer answer controversial questions about groups that I’m not a member of.  If your question is about women in general, or sex workers, or bisexual women, or kinky people, or any other group I’m part of, fire away and it can be as controversial as you like.  And if your question involves some group of which I’m not a member such as nonwhite people, trans people, heterosexual people or whatever and it isn’t controversial, fire away and I’ll answer as best I can.  But if you have some question which arouses considerable acrimony and involves a group I’m not part of?  Forget it.  I’ve been directly told, for example, that I’m not allowed to have an opinion on circumcision because I don’t have a penis, even if that opinion is based in data from published studies.  And while I think that’s nonsense, I’m too tired to fight it any more; you’ll need to address such questions to a member of whatever group is allowed to have opinions on the subject.  Sorry about that; I’m not masochistic enough to enjoy beating my head against a brick wall.

The one exception is questions about those in power, of course; I’ve never held political power, but I’ll opine on those sociopaths all day long.  Fuck them.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Prolong

I would like to be able to “hold” longer; I am not a premature ejaculator, but I’d definitely would love to have the whole exercise last longer.  I am always amazed when watching porn film clips, to see these actors last so long, even with hearty stimulation going on.  What is their secret recipe?  Are there any pills/medications that would help?

I have a simple question: Why?  For what reason do you want to last longer?  A lot of men seem to think sex is some kind of endurance contest, and the longer they can go without orgasm, the better.  To be sure, cultural messaging is part of that; the media can’t handle subtlety, and so “not instantly” is transmogrified into “going on and on and on for half a bloody hour”, when in actuality most women don’t want the act of intercourse to last more than five or ten minutes.  Of course there are exceptions; some gals just adore being pistoned into for 20 minutes or more,  but I can assure you that they are in the minority.  When women say they want sex to take a long time, they don’t mean they want intercourse to be some kind of porn marathon; they mean they want the whole process, from the initial hand-holding and kissing until the final parting or sleeping after cuddling, to be unhurried and natural.  The actual pumping is only a small part of that.

As for porn, please remember that it’s no more realistic than any other form of video entertainment.  In real life, people don’t generally fall in love within two hours and live happily ever after; problems aren’t neatly tied up in time for the end credits; doctors and cops don’t have exciting, important cases every week; and the heroes & villains aren’t totally distinct and distinguishable by the color of their hats.  Porn actors’ most important talent is being able to perform under the weird conditions required for the filming of porn, which are anything but sexy; however, you also have to remember that porn (like any other movie) isn’t filmed in one real-time take.  There’s a lot of stopping, starting, redoing, multiple takes, editing, cutting, etc; the scenes may not even have been filmed in the order you see them.  Just because it looks to you that Dick Dongmeister fucked for 40 minutes straight doesn’t mean it actually happened that way, and just because the actress seemed to like being fucked for that long doesn’t mean she actually did (or that she actually was).  It’s called “acting” for a reason.  Furthermore, in real life, very few women can get off from just penetration; they generally want more clitoral stimulation than pounding.  So if the actual endurance is for some reason important to you, there are numbing creams and sprays (containing a topical anesthetic, same as in toothache remedies) available at adult stores (or, according to Google, regular pharmacies) that may do the trick.  But if the reason you want to last longer is to increase your partner’s pleasure, you’d be much better off just learning to ask her what she wants and giving her more of whatever that is.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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I’m a 27 year old virgin who was raised in a Puritanical family to believe that Sex was dirty, evil and wrong; I masturbated when alone, watched porn when I could, but never tried to touch a woman for real because I believed that there was some pure virgin woman out there, waiting for someone exactly like me who, when we got married, would satisfy every sexual desire I had.  But when I got to college I started to realize that both good girls AND bad girls have sex, and the mysterious, untouched, pristine virginal woman who would wait for years until marriage to have sex, basically didn’t exist.  I’ve tried dating, but every woman seemed to view me as “friend zone” material until I recently found one on an online dating app who is perfect in every possible way.  In two months of online interaction I’ve fallen head over heels for her, and next month I’ll be flying to her state to meet her in person and spend a week with her.  However, she is not a virgin; in fact, she’s quite experienced and can’t wait to “have all kinds of naughty fun” with me.  But I haven’t the slightest idea of how to please her!  I told her I was a virgin, and she told me that’s okay.  But, I don’t know how to do cunnilingus, I don’t know how to move from one activity to another, and I’m not sure if my penis is big enough to satisfy her.  And my fear is, I will lose her if I don’t satisfy her on this trip.  What should I do?  Should I visit an escort so I can practice?  Any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated!

shy guyThis might seem weird coming from me, but DO NOT see a sex worker or otherwise make any attempt to lose your virginity before meeting up with your lady.  You told her you’re a virgin, and she said that’s OK; it’s entirely possible that it’s even more than OK, and in fact may be something she specifically finds desirable in you.  Some women like breaking virgins in; sometimes it’s a turn-on in and of itself, and sometimes it may be that they enjoy “training” a guy to do things the way they want them done.  Now, it may be that your lady isn’t specifically interested in your virginity, and that she doesn’t care one way or the other.  But it’s also possible she might feel kind of cheated if she was looking forward to that and you went and screwed it up without good reason on the eve of your meeting.  Note:  I am not saying that anyone “owes” a new partner virginity, or that sexual experience is a bad thing (and I am not going to be a pot describing the color of kettles).  All I’m saying is that I see no valid reason for you to make a liar out of yourself when you may be fulfilling a fantasy of hers (which I think you’ll agree would be pretty awesome).

Don’t worry about not knowing what to do; trust me, she already expects that.  Lots of men who think they know what they’re doing in bed actually don’t know shit, and since she’s quite experienced I’m sure she’s been with more than a few of those (incredibly annoying) guys.  Believe me, sugar, she’ll be a lot happier in bed with a guy who admits he doesn’t know anything than a blowhard who pretends he does, but doesn’t.  You say you don’t know how to give oral sex?  Well, you’re in company with at least 80% of the male population there.  Ditto not knowing how to guide the dance; that usually ends up being the woman’s job.  And unless you have an actual micropenis, don’t worry about being big enough to satisfy her; if she were a size queen she’d already have asked you about that.  Though your fears are understandable due to the garbage you’ve taken in from both your upbringing and the popular culture, it is a virtual certainty that they are baseless:  you aren’t going to lose her because you aren’t Superstud with a magic penis (especially because there ain’t no such organ).  That would be true even if you had a typical level of experience for your age, and it’s even more so since you were upfront about your lack thereof.  Relax, have fun, and let me know how it goes.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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It’s not clear why WhatsApp settled on such an oddly specific number.  –  Doug Boulton

This week’s seasonal video was contributed by my friend Frank, who has a knack for finding such things but won’t get on Twitter.  The links above it were provided by Nun YaTim CushingMistress MatisseRadley BalkoEmma Evans, and  Clarissa, in that order.

From the Archives

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I always believed you had to do something wrong to be arrested.
–  Joy McFarlin

I couldn’t let Halloween pass without at least one horror short; I hope you like this one.  The links above it are from Radley Balko (“traveling”, “pretext” and “never”),  Jillian Keenan  (“women”), Mistress Matisse (“capitalism”), Nun Ya  (“magnets”, “colors” and “yard”), Popehat (“fuck you”), Jesse Walker (“homeopaths”), and  Tushy Galore (“cheese”).

From the Archives

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Eventually, the item believed to be Napoleon’s penis was bought in an auction…  –  Ishaan Tharoor

As so often happens these days, I got occupied last night and was unable to finish setting everything up by deadline.  Sorry about that!  The video below is from Mike Siegel, who also contributed “accidentally”; Radley Balko gave us “headline”, Skye  “transit”, Lenore Skenazy “camping” and Popehat “call out”.

From the Archives

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Pussy

I was talking with a friend recently and we got to wondering how it was that women became associated with cats, or cats with women, and how ‘pussy​’ came to be used as slang for vagina. I thought you might have some information on the history of this and that it was worth asking your thoughts on the subject. Pussy by Peter Driben (1950)

One theory about “pussy” for the female genitalia is that it’s derived from the Old English pusa, meaning purse; some languages do use words referring to a container, such as “vagina” (from the Latin for “sheath”).  However, other languages do use their own words for “cat” to refer to either the pudendum, the vagina or both (in France it’s chatte [“pussycat”], in German Muschi [“house cat”]).  And in some countries, other small furry animals serve the same purpose.  I suspect it’s just part of the nearly universal human tendency to attach “cute” nicknames to the genitalia, and what better term for the female variety than something small, furry and pettable?  Consider the cat’s tendency to purr when stroked, and I think we probably have our explanation (though the common equation of moody feminine behavior with moody feline behavior may also have something to do with it).

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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