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Posts Tagged ‘Advice for Clients’

Unfortunately, the government’s wanton destruction of advertising platforms has thrown the industry into disarray. Idiots like the one who sent me this a week ago today are now approaching professional escorts when they’re used to dealing with unprofessional dabblers, and things like screening flummox them.  But screening protects decent, normal clients as much as it does sex workers; it demonstrates to the client that he’s dealing with someone professional and careful who has something to lose.  You know who doesn’t screen?  Cops.  They just want to get as many warm bodies into their trap as possible before the word of it gets out, and that means they just love it when guys who are thinking with the wrong head and want a no-questions-asked nownownow date contact them through their fake ads.  This certainly doesn’t mean that everyone who doesn’t screen is a cop; however, it does mean that of those who don’t a share approaching 100% are either unprofessional, extremely desperate, totally inexperienced, or up to no good.  From our side of the equation, even the request for screening info acts as a form of pre-screening; if a man is in too much of a rush or is too much of an entitled clod to comply, or else refuses because he has something to hide, I’m uninterested in seeing him anyway.  The short exchange illustrated here demonstrates another value of the process.  A large fraction of low-intelligence, poorly-socialized men respond to what they perceive as rejection with insults and rage; imagine if I had upset this cretin in person, in a private setting.  And then think again about whether you want to eschew screening.

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Lately I’ve been getting a larger-than-usual number of enquiries from guys who’ve never seen an escort before.  Some of them find me through this blog, some via my Twitter, others via my articles in Reason or my various interviews, and still others via my ordinary escort advertising.  Some of them want to see me in particular, while others are just looking for general first-timer advice, but nearly all of them are nervous (or even full-out scared) about the possibility of falling into a trap set by the pigs.  That’s why they contact me; even the ones who discover me via my escort ads usually notice that I’ve got a strong decade-old social media presence under the same name, and as I myself have said many times that’s a very good indicator that a lady is the real deal rather than some pervert cop pretending to be an escort so he can have the fun of destroying a man’s life for the terrible “crime” of loneliness.  Most of these guys, however, are not regular readers, and this blog has become so enormous it’s a bit daunting for the newcomer.  Hell, it’s sometimes even intimidating to me, and I wrote the damned thing!  So I think it wouldn’t hurt to pull together a “best of” collection of resources for new clients that I can then simply link when one of these new gents contacts me.

The single most useful essay on the topic is undoubtedly “What To Know Before You Pay for Sex“, from the July 2018 issue of Reason; I wrote it specifically for guys who are neither regular clients nor regular readers, so it contains all of the information I consider vital in one brief and easily-digestible article.  It draws in (small) part on “Advice for Clients“, which I think still holds up despite being a decade old.  And then, of course, there are a number of Q&A columns about the basic mechanics of finding sex workers:

And some about more specific issues that could be of especial interest to newbies:

I think that’ll do for starters, but if you want more there are links to scores of essays on my questions page.  And if you’d like to see me specifically, all the information you need is on my escort site.

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I don’t really like to criticize other high-profile sex workers, but Buzzfeed has given the porn performer Stoya an advice column, and bluntly speaking, a lot of her advice is just plain badI criticized one of her responses before, in a column back in February, but the advice she gave that time wasn’t nearly as bad as the advice in this column from April 30th, which if followed is very likely to destroy the questioner’s marriage. Since most porn performers have done at least some escorting, I presume Stoya isn’t completely ignorant of that type of sex work, so I can’t fathom how she completely missed the bus here.  This is an edited version of the reader’s question:

My wife and I stopped having sex regularly after our kids were born.  It dwindled from almost daily sex to maybe once a month…We…tried therapy, but…she would get angry if I suggested sex and would say she found my sexual “neediness” unattractive.  I love my wife and the last thing I wanted to do was push her, so I stopped trying and decided to take care of my needs through masturbation, but she caught me once and said she found it pathetic.  About a year ago…I tried to open up a discussion about our missing sexual life but was quickly shut down.  “That part of my life is over” was my wife’s response.  She’s 41…One day, I went to a massage parlor…there was something so healing about human touch.  Since then, I’ve been to several…and…I’ve found a few regular spots that are friendly and well-run…The women I see are thoughtful, funny, and empathetic about sex and men’s bodies’ needs…While I still desire my wife, I don’t feel the need to press and annoy her, and I understand that part of her life might be over.  (It’s been six years since we even kissed.)  The thing I fear the most is that the image of my wife, of her body, is being replaced by the images of these other women, with these massage ladies fill a gaping hole in my life.  Should I stop?

And here are the parts of Stoya’s answer which caused me to think “What the fuck?”

…to be on the ethical side of things, you would need to at least float the idea of opening things up with your wife.  Ideally your wife would know about and be OK with—or even approve of—your behavior, but her shaming reaction to finding you masturbating leads me to suspect she’d be very upset, so brace yourself for a less-than-enthused response.  Your wife sounds closed off to communication about sex in general, and I agree a life without sex doesn’t sound healthy for you at least, so you’d likely both benefit from a professional third party to help along any future discussion…

No, no, no, FUCK no.  I have no idea what she was smoking when she wrote that, but it’s a recipe for disaster.  This is a woman who shamed and ridiculed her own husband for masturbating after she unceremoniously cut him off; how could anyone who has lived among adult humans for more than a few months believe that asking such a narcissistic, controlling, authoritarian prude for an open arrangement would result in anything but a catastrophe?  Women who are mature enough to accept “open” relationships do not go around calling their husbands “pathetic”, “unattractive” and “needy” for having a sex drive in their forties.  And asking a selfish, judgy, sexually-immature woman for an open relationship is going to be about as productive as throwing a stick of dynamite into a cesspool.  If she doesn’t immediately demand a divorce (which might very well happen), she’s going to A) subject her husband to more ridicule and abuse; and B) become suspicious and start watching his every move to detect “infidelity”.  If this dude had written me I’d have given him the same advice I give every husband in a similar situation:  find a discreet sex worker you like and trust, keep your damned mouth shut about the subject, and just be satisfied with whatever aspects of your married life have caused you to stay married to someone who, from where I’m sitting, doesn’t seem to give a shit about you.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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For the second time recently, I’ve received an email that, while it isn’t a question, is something I’d like to share with y’all.  This is from a gentleman I’ve seen several times since moving to Seattle; he’s not a regular because it’s usually a while between visits, but he is a repeat client (and has on a number of occasions asked for references from me for escorts in other cities).  We had an appointment set for this coming Saturday, but then yesterday morning I received this email (which I’ve edited slightly for discretion; I also asked permission to share):

Hello, Maggie.  I found out that I need to be traveling to a different city on Monday, which means I won’t be making the Seattle trip this weekend.  I know I have had to cancel the last two appointments, so I went ahead and sent a “full” cancellation fee since you would have only a short time for a reschedule.  I appreciate your flexibility and friendship!  I’m sorry for the inconvenience.

Just a few minutes before the email, a payment notification had popped up on my phone letting me know that my full one-hour fee had arrived.  Guys, THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!  Let’s be honest; escorts are a luxury, and anyone who sees us with any regularity isn’t hurting financially.  But working escorts arrange our schedules around appointments, which means that a cancelled (rather than postponed) appointment represents a loss of income; we can’t usually just reschedule another appointment into that time slot (especially when, as this gent mentions, I’m leaving town for a week the very next day).  So if life happens and you have to cancel an appointment, a polite, respectful email like this one accompanied by at least some compensation (most guys send me $100 or a selection from my wishlist) goes a very long way to soothing the sting and staying on your provider’s good side.  And if you’ve had to cancel before (as is true in this case), paying the whole cost of the missed session demonstrates that you respect her time and are sincerely sorry for the inconvenience; repeated excuses without compensation begin to sound like “the dog ate my homework” after the second or third iteration.  The world isn’t a perfect place, and the best-laid plans of mice & men, etc.  But making a little extra effort like this gentleman did goes a long way toward keeping you in the circle of gold-star clients whom escorts are happy to see and happy to recommend to others.

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I’ve never been with any kind of sex worker before, and I’m planning to book an escort in a couple weeks.  I asked for a three-hour date because I wanted there to be plenty of time; longer appointments seem to be what high-end escorts generally prefer anyway.  I imagine the first part of the date will be getting acquainted, having a drink, etc, but I’m a little concerned that when things turn physical I might climax very quickly; if that happens, is it OK thing to to go again, or is it better to try and prevent it from happening?  Or would you suggest I shorten the date to two hours?

It would be pretty rare for a “high-end” escort to do a la carte pricing; we charge only for time, though most of us do have separate rates for purely social dates (no intimate contact at all) and “full service” dates.  So it really doesn’t matter what y’all do with the time, and most experienced escorts aren’t going to be surprised if a guy wants to go twice in a three-hour date, especially if the first one is accomplished fairly quickly.  That having been said, don’t try to spring a second round on her with less than half an hour in the session, unless of course you want to piss her off.  With the exception of Tantra, “edging”, etc, the preoccupation with delaying orgasm is purely a male one; men seem to imagine that women like interminable pistoning, and nothing could be further from the truth (especially with a pro).  When a man expends effort in attempting to delay orgasm, all he usually accomplishes is annoying his escort and (if he succeeds too well, which I have seen happen innumerable times) frustrating himself.  I suggest you spend the first hour chatting and relaxing, then let nature take its course; if you climax quickly and want to do it again, try to start around the beginning of the third hour.  But if you are satisfied after the first (and most men are), just spend the rest of the time enjoying a beautiful lady’s company; most of us are quite good at entertaining gentlemen in ways other than having sex.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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It’s no secret that I do not suffer fools gladly, and never have.  In the past few years my reaction to imbeciles online has resulted in my being compared to a Western gunfighter, various warriors, a wronged wolverine, and even a psychic mutant (sorry, I can’t find that column); earlier this year, Matisse said I was like a “flaming sword of doom on Twitter”.  But while at one time I had a great deal more patience with work calls, the events of the past few months have necessitated a change in that department as well.  Up until this year, a large enough fraction of the texts and phone calls I received led to paying work to justify my taking at least a few minutes with each caller.  But now that Backpage is gone and the guys who used it have flooded into all the other sites, and Eros has made the incredibly asinine decision to remove all advertiser’s website links (thus driving browsers to contact providers by phone or email), I’ve been forced to improve my phone-screening skill set so as to eliminate the > 80% of phone callers or texters who are time-wasters, clowns, or cheapskates.  Even if I’m awake, I’m unlikely to answer a voice call before noon or after midnight, because those guys are most likely looking for a session nownownow and I don’t work at any AM hour (if they really want to see me, they can text or email).  Texts from any number not already in my phone book receive a short reply with my website link (and I wish I had a way to save that as something like a macro), and most of those don’t reply once they see my rates (or else they’re too lazy to even visit the site).  Guys who voice-call and mumble, ignore my questions, make stupid comments or just keep saying “hi” are going to be hung up on, and those who then try to pursue by texting are likely to get their feelings hurt.  Some of you reading this may not understand why this strictness is necessary, but I know the sex workers get it:  if I spent just five minutes with everyone who contacts me I’d be on the phone for about two hours a day, and less than a fifth of that effort would actually lead to any money.  So it’s absolutely imperative that I quickly separate the grain from the chaff so as to concentrate on the former rather than wasting my time and emotional energy on the latter.

Still, I recognize that there may be some men who want to be good clients, but simply lack the phone skills to present that way; maybe English isn’t their first language, or they’re painfully shy, or nervous about contacting an escort because they never have before.  To those guys, I advise doing what a new client I saw last week did:  use email.  All the emails I received from this gent were clear and polite, and I had no trouble screening him, but when we chatted so I could give him directions I noticed he wasn’t very verbal, and when we actually met I don’t think he said 40 words in the whole hour.  The reason it worked out anyway was that he made a realistic assessment of his competence in spoken English, understood that his written English was much better, and so followed his strong suit.  So unless you’re both eloquent and confident, and quite familiar with my rates and such, email is probably the best approach; not only does it give you the opportunity to put your best foot forward, but it also allows me to answer when I’m in the proper frame of mind.

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Ghost

On July 6th, Dan Savage asked sex worker Twitter for help with this question:

A lot of people answered, but most of the responses were quite short.  Below I’ve reprinted mine and three others I found notable, but if you’re interested there are more in Dan’s own column on the question.

Me: Sending flowers or similar forms of approach would be a VERY bad idea.  What he should do is search her stage name for a new ad; if there is one, he can attempt contact that way & see what happens.  If he can’t locate an ad, he should just assume she’s retired and move on.

Savannah Sly:  As a criminalized population, sex workers frequently change phone numbers, emails, etc.  I would advise seeing if she’s advertising online anywhere, and reaching out by the means she outlines in her ad.  I would not advise reaching out in person, or sending anything to her house.  Also, sometimes sex workers ghost.  Our jobs are stressful due to stigma and criminalization, our lives are complex.  Sometimes we ghost without notice, because anxiety runs high in our community.  Be patient, look online, be professional during outreach regardless of past intimacy.  Lastly, sometimes we actually disappear.  As in, violent crimes are committed against us.  If you suspect this, I’d advise reaching out to sex worker groups in your area (or as close as you can find) to tell them you’re concerned.  Then step back, and let the community ask around.

Mistress Matisse: OK just to be different: I’m going to go a different way from all the other advice has been given here. Now, all of the other advice IS very good advice and you will not go wrong by taking it.  However, if you would like to make one attempt – and only one – to contact this lady, here is what you might do.  Go to the store and buy a very generic “thinking of you” card.  Or a blank one.  Nothing romantic!  Write in the card something like this: “Dear X, I see that we’ve fallen out of contact, and I just want to say goodbye and wish you well.  I’ve always thought highly of you and enjoyed our time together.  If you ever want to contact me again for any reason, please don’t hesitate, my number is…”  NOTHING ELSE.  Don’t say anything about sex, don’t say anything about money, don’t say anything about love, basically don’t say anything that would sound bad if read out loud in court.  Do that and do nothing else.  If she wants to get in touch with you, she will.  One time and one time only.  Or, take the safer route and follow the advice of my colleagues.  Plenty of other ladies to meet and enjoy in the world.  I’m sure that’s what she would want you to do, meet someone else.

Anjel:  If she has an email or some other form of contact info, trying to send a feeler email out that way would be ok. But she has every right to end the business relationship without explanation.  No one can know how damaging and intrusive getting flowers might feel to her.  She honestly could have lost that phone number and lost all old contact info though.  But if she wants her old clients to find her she would have given them another way to contact her.  If there isn’t another way, accept that it’s over and be grateful for the experience.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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