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Archive for the ‘Q & A’ Category

Would you be my mentor in sex work?

I get this question very often, and I’ve never actually answered it.  Oh, I’ve answered specific questions about sex work many times, and will continue to do so; the “Mentoring” tag is full of them.  But when I’m asked this question the petitioner usually wants an ongoing, potentially paid relationship, for which the answer must be “no”.  Again, I’ll give specific help to other sex workers, either by email or in person, nearly every time I’m asked.  But if it’s an ongoing relationship you’re looking for, that simply isn’t going to happen.

There are several reasons for this, of which three stand out; the first of these is that I simply don’t have the time.  As I’ve explained on many occasions, things are so tight for me now that many columns (including this one, incidentally) are finished mere hours or even minutes before posting.  There’s just no way I could make room in my schedule for another major obligation; right now any new time-commitment requires that I give up something else.  In other words, I couldn’t mentor anyone if I wanted to.

The second reason is that, believe it or not, I’m not really qualified.  The market has changed considerably since I learned the trade, and I really haven’t kept up; the only reason I do as well as I do is that I’m Maggie Fucking McNeill, a widely recognized sex symbol.  In other words, my brand is already built, and all I have to do is maintain it.  But if I had to give someone else advice on web development, tailoring one’s ads to the clientele one wishes to attract, and all that kind of thing, I’d be utterly hopeless; unless you’re willing to devote over half your waking hours to become a well-known blogger for six years while making practically no money at all, I just don’t think my experience is transferable to your situation.  Sometimes this should be painfully obvious, but I guess it isn’t; the letter which inspired me to write this column was from a man who wanted me to mentor him in the nigh-impossible task of becoming a heterosexual male escort.  Now, I’m often called a saint, but I can assure y’all that theurgy is not in my skill set; it would require a bona fide miracle for me to train someone in something I not only lack the biological qualifications for, but have repeatedly stated is essentially a fantasy.

The third reason is that such relationships are fraught with sexual, emotional and even legal land mines.  The people who ask me this question sometimes just want regular mentoring, but sometimes what they actually want is a manager (and I don’t need to tell you what society calls those in our line of work).  Ofttimes there’s more than a whiff of groupie about the person asking, and it’s pretty clear that she desires to be guided in a more, shall we say, “hands on” fashion.  And though I’ve got a running joke on Twitter (with several women young enough to be my daughters) about “Miss McNeill’s School for Wayward Young Ladies”, in truth there’s absolutely no way I’d risk such an intimate relationship with a young whore any longer; not only is there too much risk of sexual and emotional injury (and not just to her), but also our culture has entered a period where such relationships are nearly always viewed as predatory and/or exploitative.  In other words, injured feelings could potentially result in public accusations or even criminal charges, and I’m sure Dan Satterberg would just love to have a reasonably-credible “sex trafficking” case against me courtesy of a heartbroken girl who claimed I had manipulated and seduced her into prostitution. No, thanks.  So while I’m flattered by the requests and wish I could give everyone who asks all the help she needs, the answer is, must be and will always be a resounding negative.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Why is there this apparently common desire for women, even educated, emancipated ones such as yourself, to be sexually taken with an almost rapey level of male aggression?  The idea of being so sexually aggressive makes me intensely uncomfortable as a person, goes against everything I was taught, and seems to fly directly in the face of the openly expressed desires of women themselves.  This message seems utterly mixed to me, and seems also to leave any sexually assertive male at risk of an  accusation of rape after the fact.

The human brain is not rational, and we don’t get to choose what turns us on.  Our prudish, sex-negative culture wants us to believe that sexual turn-ons and turn-offs can be controlled, that “demand” for pragmatic sex can be “ended”, that the gay can be prayed away, that average guys can be “taught” to be attracted to older or fatter women than they might otherwise desire, that women can exorcise subby or bottomy feelings via “feminism”, and so on.  And I’m here to tell you that all this is, in the words of the late, great Douglas Adams, a load of dingo’s kidneys; sexual likes, dislikes, kinks and fetishes emerge by mysterious paths from the murky swamp we carry deep in our brains, and there’s no known way to reroute those pathways once they’re established.  Sure, we can choose whether to act on our feelings or not; there are some things I’ve found very hot my entire life yet have never acted on, and probably never will.  And there are other things I’ve tried, enjoyed and still find hot as hell, but will probably never act on again because they either come with too much baggage or it’s much too difficult to find the right person or persons to do them with.

Furthermore, some things are, as my old friend & sometimes-bottom Philippa used to say, “good fantasy, bad reality”; for many women rape falls into that category.  There’s a vast gulf between a fantasy rape by a guy one already trusts under controlled conditions with a safeword to stop the scene if it gets too scary, and a real rape by a stranger who may even mutilate or kill her when he’s done.  Fantasy rapes are (properly) negotiated ahead of time by two clearheaded adults who want to share an exciting experience; real rapes are one-sided violations of another person’s consent and well-being.  There’s nothing wrong with your being “intensely uncomfortable” with acting out rape fantasies; it just means they’re not your bag, and you would be better off with a woman who doesn’t like them either.  No harm, no foul.  The problems start when a guy who is turned on by raping women doesn’t bother to secure their consent first, or (like James Deen & Jian Ghomeshi) ignores their clearly-stated “no” and tries to hide his very real violence behind a smoke screen of consensual kink.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Favor

I’ve been seeing the same sex worker for almost three years now, and I’m in love with her.  She wants us to continue as client and escort, yet she has extended me more trust than seems usual; she told me her real name, has seen me in her own house, and has stopped using protection when we’re together (her idea, not mine).  To me, all this seems to suggest something beyond the client-escort relationship, but I have never seen any other sex workers beside her.  I absolutely respect her decision not to pursue anything more right now, but is it foolish of me to keep hoping?  She is an amazing person and very dear to me.

Before anything else, you ought to read last Thursday’s column, which covers some of the same ground; if you treasure your relationship with this lady, please refrain from indulging yourself in the urge to try to make it something “more” (which in most cases actually means “less”) than it is.  The fact of the matter is that most romantic relationships are of short duration, and only survive by turning into something else.  Relationships in which both people know exactly what to expect from each other, on the other hand, can go on for years.  In your case, it’s pretty clear that you’re a very favored client; it’s not unusual for escorts to see clients in their homes (I do, as do several of my friends), and it’s unusual but by no means unique for favored clients to know a sex worker’s real name (a few of mine do).  However, her eschewing protection with you is highly unusual, and frankly I find it rather alarming; I can’t even imagine what she might be thinking, and she’s putting at least one of you in danger (possibly both).  Beside the danger of STIs (it’s obvious her preventative procedures are less than scrupulous, since she has no idea where you’re sticking your cock when you aren’t with her), there’s the very real danger of pregnancy; how are you going to feel if she tells you that she’s pregnant, doesn’t believe in abortion and you’re on the hook for 18 years or more?  As I said, I can’t imagine what she’s thinking; even if she is “amazing” as you say and harbors no intentional ill-will toward you, that doesn’t mean her judgment isn’t total crap.  To put it in D&D terms, a high charisma is no guarantee of a high wisdom.  Just because she doesn’t mean to harm you or herself, doesn’t mean one or both of you aren’t going to get hurt.  And if you plan to keep barebacking her (which you probably will because you’re male and y’all just can’t seem to grasp how dangerous an activity that is), I’d invest in a vasectomy and at least quarterly STI testing if I were you.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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I’ve been seeing an escort whom I feel very intensely about.  We both agree that this must remain a provider/client relationship in which money is exchanged, but I like doing extra for her such as helping her with college tuition.  I have also promised that she can count on me for a certain number of sessions each month.  I’m in a sexless but otherwise great marriage, and of course she has other clients; I love that we can be so open and genuine with each other, but I feel like I’m trying to do something that has no precedent in my own experience.  If other men have these kinds of relationships I’ve never heard them talk about it.  Do you think this can work?  Have you seen it work for other men and women?  Am I being a fool, or can this be the semi-miracle it seems to be?

clockwork butterflyThe situation you’re enjoying is no miracle; it only seems to be because most people aren’t capable or willing to be both honest and pragmatic about their sexual relationships.  What you’re experiencing is what happens when two people are clear and open about their desires and expectations for one another, and refrain from trying to force a mutually-beneficial and mutually-satisfying arrangement into one of the restrictive boxes society tells them are the only acceptable forms.  I daresay such idyllic relationships might even be the norm, were it not for the stupid, impossible desire to own and control another person; this yearning for possession leads invariably to jealousy, frustration and conflict, and those weaken affection and may eventually destroy it.  My advice to you is to continue on exactly as you’re doing; enjoy your young lady’s charms and companionship and take pride and pleasure in the fact that you can be a benefactor to her, and never try to turn the relationship into something it isn’t.  The love and friendship between two people is an organic thing which has to be taken for what it is; any attempt to rebuild it into something else is as doomed to failure as a scheme to turn one animal into another by cutting it apart and putting it back together in a different shape.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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I’m a journalist preparing a report about the increasing use of AirBNB by prostitutes.  Do you know if this is something common ?
AirBnB logo
I’m not sure why people are surprised that sex workers use AirBnB.  See, sex workers are people, so any time something becomes more common for people in general, you can bet it will also become more common for sex workers.  As smartphones became more popular, they also became more popular for whores.  As Uber became more popular, we used it more, too.  And since AirBnB has become increasingly popular, Surprise! We’re using it more as well.  I don’t see any stories headlined “Medical Professionals Increasingly Use Computers for Research”, or “Small Businesses Turn To Square for Credit Card Processing”, but for some reason when perfectly ordinary sex workers (and yeah, we’re pretty ordinary; there’s no city in the world where we can’t be found) use a perfectly ordinary technology or product, it becomes a storyIf sex workers are using AirBnB to a disproportionate degree than other people who rent hotel rooms (and that’s a mighty big “if”), it’s probably because cops and other professional busybodies are lying to hotel owners, managers and employees about imaginary “sex trafficking” in an effort to get them to spy on sex workers and report them to said cops, so the cops can then arrest the workers, steal everything they own as “proceeds of crime” and then plaster their names and faces all over the news.  If you want a real story instead of a ridiculous excuse to titillate the bourgeois, try investigating how the War on Whores is becoming the replacement for the increasingly-unpopular War on Drugs.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

 

 

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China Nympho CreamWould you write something for me?

No.

You wrote something for So-and-So!

So-and-So is a personal friend of mine, and I rarely say no to friends.

Will you do it if I pay you?

Sure, as long as it’s on a topic I care about or think is important.

What if I want you to say a specific thing?

You mean like writing you an ad?  If I were any good at that, I’d make a lot more money than I do.

Well, could I write a guest post and pay you to publish it?

Don’t even go there.

But you have guest posts every month!

Yeah, from people I invite; they’re guests, not infomercials.

Well, some of your guests are definitely selling things.

Yes, and those people are friends.  Did you miss the part where I’m loyal to my friends?

Do you have something against monetizing your reputation?

You’re kidding, right?

So, what’s the harm in my paying you to call attention to my product?

Nothing, if your product is any good and I’ve actually used and liked it.  Like, for example, I don’t mind giving Steak ‘n Shake restaurants a plug because I freaking love Steak ‘n Shake and will eat there every time I get the chance.  Hell, I once did a whole column on Waffle House.  But if you’re, say, a Nevada brothel where I’ve never worked, I’m not going to sing your praises just because you paid me to.  I’m the Honest Courtesan, remember?  If I like your book, movie, restaurant, brand of lube or whatever I’ll praise it, and if you want to give me money to really emphasize that praise I won’t turn you down.  But if your product is shitty I’m not going to damage my reputation by endorsing it.

I think you’ll like my product; how do I get you to try it?

Well, publishers do it by offering me promotional copies.  And right now I’m testing out a service that I may end up endorsing pretty soon, provided it measures up as it looks like it might.  If you genuinely think I’ll like what you have to offer, and you think my name will lend respectability to whatever it is, and I think you’ll be a friend to the sex worker community, and you’re willing to support my work by giving me lovely money, please feel free to email me and we’ll talk.  The worst thing that can happen is I’ll tell you “no”.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Under Construction

minkFor over a year now, people have been asking when my next book is coming out.  And for almost that long, I’ve been saying “soon”.  Of course, I was wrong; it hasn’t been anything like soon, and I’m sorry about that.  It’s just that, as everyone following for the past year and a half knows, real life intervened.  In spades.  With brass knuckles on, after she had already drugged my drink, tied my shoelaces together and stolen my distributor cap.  Since arriving it Seattle, it’s a miracle I’ve even managed to get a column out every day, much less do any other writing.  But I am beginning to dare to think that phase might finally be coming to an end.  I’ve had a lot more time for myself recently, and though I’ve had to use a lot of it to play catch-up, that can’t last forever.  I honestly think I might finally be reaching a point where I’ll have both the time and the energy to start putting books together again, which would be sort of nice on a number of levels; I’ll let you know how that progresses, but I’m not going to humiliate myself again by announcing yet another probable release date and then failing spectacularly to meet it.  I’ve also been thinking about having a portfolio of nudes done; if I do, I’ll send them for the asking (and postage) to any subscriber or patron, and they’ll be available for purchase to anyone else.  Because what’s the use of being a sex symbol if one can’t monetize it?

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