Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Q & A’ Category

I am worried that my ex girlfriend has turned to sex work.  Should I do something about it?  She was once raped by a previous boyfriend, and her flashbacks and panic attacks seemed to be getting worse after she gave up on therapy.  Also while we were dating I cheated on her with several escorts and only told her several months into the relationship.  I am worried that there is a possibility that she may be doing this for the wrong reasons and harming herself.  I care and would like to help, however I feel like it is not my place to do something.

you whoreYou’re right; it’s not your place.  Even if she weren’t your ex-girlfriend, what would you “do about it”?  Turn her in to the cops?  Because certainly, burdening her with a criminal record (and possibly getting her raped again in the process) would be a huge help, I’m sure.  Just curious; would you be this “worried” if she were, say, joining the military or the Peace Corps or something like that?  Given that you didn’t even say what makes you believe she might have taken this particular job (as 1% of Western women do at some point in our lives), I’m inclined to believe that you aren’t worried for her safety or mental health at all, but rather just offended that she might become a dirty whore.  What I see is that you don’t have a problem with my profession, as long as it’s practiced by other, lesser women you can pay; you’re just upset because a woman you clearly still have proprietary feelings about might want to make a career of fucking other men beside you.

Perhaps you think I’m being overly hard on you, and your concern is based in facts you didn’t include in your letter; fair enough.  If you think that’s the case, I call your attention to my answer to a similar question a little over three years ago:

Like practically everything else in the world, escorting is not right for everyone; some women thrive in the trade, and others view it as a job no better and no worse than others, but for some women it is a really bad idea.  Generally, these are women with negative, moralistic or overly-romanticized views of sex, because they feel degraded by the work…[even if] your lady has [none] of those issues…[it doesn’t necessarily mean] she’ll like the work; it’s entirely possible the reality will be nothing like her fantasy and she’ll quit in under a week (a young friend of mine had a similar reaction to the realities of stripping).  But it’s also possible she may find it very satisfying and it may even help her to overcome her [sexual issues].  The only way for her to find out if she likes it or not is to try it, so you’re wise not to obstruct her…it’s normal for a man to feel protective of a woman he loves.  But at the same time, it’s possible you might be infantilizing her a bit.  You say she’s had a troubled past…but that could be said of many people (including me)…The popular wisdom is that damaged people should wallow in their pain forever, but that’s self-destructive nonsense; the only hope of escaping the past is to live in the present and look toward the future.  Even if she’s as fragile as you think, the only way to get stronger is to go out into the world, face its challenges and either overcome them or fail and learn.  The only cure for innocence is experience, and a sheltered child never grows up.  Furthermore, she’s in no more [emotional] danger…as an escort than she is in many another high-paying field that nobody would think twice about her entering (such as modeling or sales); sex work is a lot more mundane than people think, and there really aren’t any mysterious tentacles waiting to drag unwary ingénues down into the abyss…

walking down the railsI’m not saying you shouldn’t say anything; people who care about each other have the right to express their feelings.  But that doesn’t mean she has to listen, and if she doesn’t you need to let her alone.  And if you can’t handle seeing her do something that causes you emotional discomfort, it’s time to wish her the best, steel yourself and walk away from her.  That probably won’t be easy, and this is really a case of “Do as I say, not as I do”; I’ve never been any good at walking away from relationships that have become painful to me, and I probably never will be.  But if she won’t heed your words, and you can’t handle the way she conducts her life, it’s really your only option.  And I pray Aphrodite that unlike me, you can actually do it.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

Read Full Post »

drowning in alcoholNot sure if you remember me, but I am the subject of your column “Deep Frustration“.  I want thank you again for writing that response, I really did appreciate it.  I had always intended to write back to you, so I hope I’m not asking to much for you to respond again.  Over the past three years my ED has gone through sporadic improvements mainly due to living a more healthy lifestyle, proper diet, exercise, abstaining from alcohol etc.  I relapse into my shitty habits again and again, and what little progress I make is undone, but I usually manage to claw my way back.  I didn’t mention that I’m an alcoholic in my original email, but its interesting that during 2015 I went four months without alcohol and testicles literally grew in size, then I relapsed and they began to shrink again.  My porn use has pretty much stayed the same; I’ve had several unsuccessful attempts to simply quit porn but I always relapse with really sick extreme porn.  I recently went to an FBSM girl because my ED would prevent me from enjoying full service, but even that was a disaster; I spent most of the time staring at a spot on the ceiling, and every part of my body was tense and stiff…except for my penis!  I felt sorry for the poor girl have to try engage with such a non cooperative person, but I simply could not be present.  I really enjoyed looking at this woman’s pics in her advertisement, I even jacked myself off  to them whilst imagining how great it would be, and when I actually get it I feel not one iota of lust.  My number one sexual goal is total abstinence from porn and masturbation; I want to banish fantasy and live with both feet in reality.  I’m confident that with enough time on Nofap I’ll be all the better for it.  I want more experiences so I continue to learn the truth about myself, whatever than is and where it leads, rather than remaining steeped in the childish, delusional fantasy world of porn.

Oh yes, I remember; every time I’ve run across that column for one reason or another I’ve thought about you and wondered how your situation had developed.  The extra information you’ve given me here helps me to give you a little more advice; I really hope you take it, because I don’t think your situation is in any way hopeless.  First of all, you absolutely need to get off the booze; though it’s legal, alcohol is actually one of the hardest and most damaging of drugs, and heavy drinking has a host of negative effects of which your chronic “whiskey dick” condition is probably the least serious.  You haven’t mentioned what you do for a living, and I don’t know what kind of health insurance you have; I suggest you research your local mental health resources, find out what programs you can afford and enroll without delay.  Note that I said “resources”, plural; I don’t think drinking is your only problem, though it’s a major one.  I’m not a mental health professional, but it seems obvious to me that your problems are more serious than you can solve alone; you need the help of a caring person who will listen to you without judging and help you get to the bottom of this.  You wrote “I want…to learn the truth about myself, whatever than is and where it leads”, and I think that’s a great philosophy to have; a good therapist can help you to accomplish that.  But remember, the therapist is only a guide; he can’t “fix” you or “cure” you, because you have to do that yourself.  And let me tell you, it’s not a quest for the faint of heart; I can tell you from painful personal experience that it’s terrifying, humiliating and excruciating.  But when you at last win through to the truth, it will be as though a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders; it won’t happen all at once, but once it starts you’ll know and you’ll be encouraged to continue through to the end.

I do want to address one thing in your letter directly, though; I can understand why you might want to quit watching porn, because you’ve developed a kind of love-hate relationship with it and that’s not healthy.  The problem isn’t the porn itself, but rather your relationship with the porn, which you seem to be using as a barrier between you and some sexual issues you are uncomfortable with confronting directly.  However, I honestly don’t think you need to stop masturbating; there’s nothing harmful about it, no matter what the “NoFap” cultists preach.  If you’re uncomfortable with porn, stop watching it for now, but denying yourself the release of masturbation when you feel the need for it isn’t going to help you; it will simply increase your frustration, driving you back into fantasies you find distressing and perpetuating what has become a highly destructive cycle.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

 

Read Full Post »

Siren

I’ve been a hobbyist since 2007 and have been with many ladies, but a year ago I started seeing a young woman less than half my age and became utterly intoxicated with her.  I see her about twice a week now, always paying more than her full posted rate; despite this she never stays longer than the time we agreed on, even though she sees other people at a lower rate.  She does, however, text with me every day, though most of them are rather short.  I take her shopping, bring her many presents, and loaned her a lot of money; I have also told her I love her and even proposed.  She has never said she loves me, but she says she has more feelings for me than she does other clients; she gets a little angry if I push her to explain her feelings, and says she’s not in the same place I am.  Last autumn I was in alcohol rehab for a while, and she was very annoyed that I did not keep in contact while I was in the facility (because I couldn’t use my cell phone there).  After that I started getting very obsessed with her and have figured out her real name, where she lives and other personal information.  She won’t commit to a relationship, but says anything is possible.  It’s beginning to get around the local escort/client community that I’m infatuated with her, and the other providers I know tell me I’m not the only one, and that she’s known for using people.  One of my hobbyist friends tells me I should stop seeing her for at least six months, and see other providers instead; I’ve tried that, but no other woman makes me feel like she does.  Help!

I’m afraid I have to echo what everyone else is telling you:  you need to walk away from this if at all possible.  You are completely infatuated with her, and though I won’t say she’s using you because she isn’t lying to you, that doesn’t make this a healthy relationship.  There’s absolutely nothing morally wrong with her refusing to overstay her time, or insisting on full rate; though I do think it’s a bit strange that she gives other people a cheaper rate than her most regular client, on the other hand she also gives you a lot of “off the clock” interaction via texting and the like.  What makes it unhealthy is your level of emotional investment in something that isn’t going to go where it’s obvious you desperately want it to go.

We like to believe that we have complete free will, but the truth is that chemicals dramatically affect our thinking and emotions.  People with mental illnesses caused by chemical imbalances can find their whole lives thrown into turmoil for no apparent reason, and the right medication can make them feel dramatically better.  Recreational drugs can profoundly affect the way we feel or view the world, and can even lead to powerful insights or religious experiences.  And given that you have suffered from alcoholism yourself, I don’t think I need to remind you of the powerful effect that chemical has on the brain.  Well, the feeling of being in love is also caused by chemicals, though they’re ones which originate within the body rather than outside of it; the primary culprit is dopamine, but norepinephrine and phenylethylamine are also important, not to mention the “love hormone” oxytocin (which is released during skin-to-skin contact, including cuddling, even in situations where no sex or erotic attraction is involved).  So while it’s not possible to be addicted to sex (as I have explained many times in my blog), it is indeed possible to be addicted (in a way) to the feeling of being in love.  And just as the compelling need for alcohol or other drugs can cause erratic or even dangerous behavior in the addict, so can the compelling need for the “fix” provided by that potent neurochemical mixture one’s brain releases during interaction with the subject of one’s infatuation.  The good news is that, as with any other addiction, the hold of love can be broken; the bad news is that I don’t know of any way to do it other than cold turkey withdrawal.  I would strongly counsel you to take your friends’ advice:  stop seeing your siren and try to distract yourself with other ladies and other pastimes, before you go broke and/or get yourself arrested for doing something you will regret, which I fear is a very strong possibility in this situation.brain in love

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

 

 

Read Full Post »

Secret Identity

I’m 16 and would really like to write an anonymous blog about my life.  However, I’m really not sure how to go about doing this, as I am afraid that people would find out that it was me.  I read your post about how to blog anonymously and there was just so much information and things I would need to do, such as creating a new email and so forth.  So, I was just wondering if you could help me and give me some tips on how to do it; any advice that you can give me will be gratefully appreciated.

masked woman at Venice carnival (2011)That essay was written by my friend Dr. Brooke Magnanti, who used to blog under the name “Belle de Jour” and eventually wrote a series of novels from her blog.  Brooke knows a lot more than I do about this subject, as does Violet Blue (who wrote The Smart Girl’s Guide to Privacy).  But the good news from your viewpoint is that as long as you register with an anonymous email and avoid talking about your blog to anyone else, you will probably be able to remain anonymous.  See, it’s virtually impossible to stay anonymous if someone with resources wants to penetrate one’s identity badly enough, but that takes money and time and effort, so unless you become super-famous as a blogger (as Brooke did), it is highly unlikely that anyone will invest that kind of effort in doxing you.  Consider me, for example; I’ve been insulting cops & politicians and undermining prohibitionist bullshit for almost six years now, and I haven’t been doxed yet.  That’s certainly not due to my being some kind of tech witch with impenetrable security, because I’m not; it’s just that I’m not famous enough or dangerous enough (yet) to justify the kind of money and manpower needed to out me (though I have no doubt the FBI has a file on me that includes my real name, clothing sizes, copies of all my X-rays back to puberty, aerial photos of my property and an exhaustive description of my sexual preferences).  But as long as you 1) stick to blogging about your personal life and avoid rattling the cages of the powerful or interfering with the money-making schemes of sociopaths; 2) successfully resist the temptation to tell friends about your secret identity; and 3) clean your browser history & cache every time you sign off so your parents can’t snoop, you probably will never have to worry about anyone figuring you out.

Good luck, and enjoy the creative outlet!

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

Read Full Post »

Immune to the Stuff

I’m a mostly straight, young but not too young, sexually active adult woman.  I don’t intend to get married, but I very much value emotional connections and intimacy.  I can have sex for the sake of sex without needing it to mean more, but I appreciate more when it’s there.  Well, about two years ago I met a much older man who claimed his was an open marriage; we didn’t actually have sex for a couple of months, and I was intrigued by the idea of a close but not fully committed lover who would not be seeking a wife.  Eventually I found out that while his wife didn’t much mind his having no-strings extramarital sex, she would not at all have accepted his being emotionally involved with a mistress.  I was pissed because I had expressed early on that I didn’t want to get involved in keeping secrets, but he talked me back into his arms and thus ensued another year of amazing sex, moments of transcendent friendship, and also plenty of moments of being ignored or even fully disregarded despite his expectation that I would be responsive to him and his texts and his emails.  He could have gotten the sex without having to make false promises of emotional attachment, but that’s not what he did.  So I ended it because being told I am amazing while simultaneously being ignored might be as damaging as anything I have experienced.  Still, I have a lot of self-doubt over this; is something wonderful about him that I am overlooking?  Did my desires and wants cross the line into immature self-centered behavior?  Am I overlooking a point of view, or am I just overlooking an asshole’s asshole nature?spooky cocktail

It’s hard for people who are sexually experienced, savvy, wise in the ways of the world and generally free of belief in romantic bullshit to recognize that we, too, can be deceived in relationships.  No matter how much we may like to think that we’re “immune to the stuff”, as Robert Palmer put it, the fact of the matter is that the right dose in the right combination delivered in the right medium will still intoxicate us just as if we were starry-eyed ingenues.  And unfortunately, there is no way to be sure that the mixologist isn’t up to pure no good when he or she slips you that mickey; every time you imbibe you run the risk that the cocktail will be stronger than you bargained for, especially when it’s so delicious you just keep knocking ‘em down without keeping a very close count.  From what you’ve told me here, your lover was quite the skillful alchemist; he read what you wanted, told you what you wanted to hear and expertly smoothed over your valid concerns.  This doesn’t mean you’re gullible; it means you’re a real and complex person with needs of your own, and you fell in with someone who both knew how to manipulate that and had no moral scruples against doing it.  Lest you think I’m being unnecessarily harsh in my judgment of him, consider your own statement that “he could have gotten the sex without having to make false promises of emotional attachment”; he wanted the advantages of a regular sex worker without having to pay for one.  You didn’t say what he does for a living, but he’d have made a great politician; the combination of charm, promise making-and-breaking and casual dishonesty is typical in that career.  Politicians are usually very popular, too, which is how they keep getting elected no matter what they do; that doesn’t make them good people, it makes them good manipulators.  So I think you made the right decision: treasure the good memories, let go of as much of the pain as you can, and walk away before he talks you into wasting another year on someone who seems unable to play by the rules of ethical polyamory.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

My girlfriend of 10 years was an escort before she met me, and didn’t hide that from me when we got together.  I didn’t bother me because it was in the past, but now she’s working again and I’m having a hard time with it.  I feel she enjoys some of the calls, and I worry that I won’t be able to live up to those experiences; I also feel like sex isn’t as special for her as it is for me.  It’s harder to date an escort then I imagined!  Can you please give any advice or feedback?  I do love her and we have a son together; I just need some advice from a woman who has lived it.

goose gander sauceShe probably does enjoy some of her sessions.  Would you prefer she didn’t?  I understand you’re feeling insecure about this, but seriously consider what I’m asking you here:  Do you want her not to enjoy her job?  And if you don’t, is merely not enjoying enough?  Does she need to be entirely miserable the whole time for you to feel secure?  I get that men are competitive creatures, and that y’all want to turn everything into a pissing contest, but the fact of the matter is that it’s very unlikely that you have the biggest cock she’s ever encountered, or that you’re the most technically competent lover she ever had, or that you “live up” to her most exciting scene every time y’all fall into bed.  But remember, she had all these experiences before she met you and yet she chose you anywayAs I explained to a female reader almost six months ago (in a situation where the shoe was on the other foot),

The inconvenient fact is that sexual desire isn’t directly linked to emotional connection; at the beginning of a relationship they usually are, but in the majority of cases it doesn’t stay that way for more than a few years.  Every woman would like to believe she’ll always be the one her husband is most sexually attracted to, but that’s not usually the way it happens; the attraction which inspired him to choose her as his primary partner is emotional and/or spiritual, and may grow stronger even as his lust for her weakens with time and familiarity.  Really, there’s nothing wrong with that; it’s why many an elderly man still deeply loves his wife long after her physical charms have faded.  In short, it’s entirely possible that your man may find another woman he finds more sexually attractive than you, but it’s highly unlikely that would in and of itself present any serious threat to your bond with him.

That sauce serves as well for the gander as for the goose:  it is highly likely that your lady chose you for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with sex, and that bond will still exist even if she’s getting a lot better sex from her clients than most escorts do (which I can assure you is highly unlikely).  As my wasband Matt pointed out in his interview over four years ago, she’s no more likely to fall for someone she meets at work than she would be if she worked in any other job; in fact, because sex isn’t all that and a bag of chips to whores, we are dramatically less likely to stray, and if we do it certainly ain’t going to be for a stupid-ass reason like “I had an hour of good sex with some dude I don’t actually know”.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

 

Read Full Post »

I am a mistress right now.  I love my boyfriend very much, but I am very confused about everything that I have researched about mistresses and wives.  Apparently, I am supposed to be a homewrecker, an evil temptress whose only desire is to take him away from his family.  Nothing could be further from my mind–I even give my boyfriend advice on how to get along with his wife.  The more I look around the net, the more I find sites that tell me how I am going to be disappointed because he will not leave his wife, because he uses me sexually, because I will not have an intimate emotional connection with him.  But I do not want him to leave his wife, and if the affair was ever discovered I would call her and promise her that I would never see him again so that he can be with his family.  I don’t get money from him, either; I don’t really understand how I am supposed to fit into the expectations society has of mistresses.

succubusWhen I was a teenager, I figured that my sexuality made me a weirdo.  I didn’t think sex was some special, magical thing to be shared only with certain consecrated people; nor did I believe it was dirty and polluting and had some special power to destroy my soul.  I was attracted to men and women equally, was willing to try new things, and was polyamorous at a time and place where that term didn’t exist (we called them “open relationships”, and some of my older partners called it “free love”).  The idea of jealousy made no sense at all to me; I didn’t care if my partners had sex with other people and I probably had more three-ways before I was 20 than more conventional girls have had sex partners of any kind.  But society told me that was all abnormal; sex possessed some kind of magical mumbo-jumbo taboo energy which made it different from all other human activity, and if I had “too much” I would be “ruined”, and I should be angry and hostile and hateful and throw my relationship away if I discovered a boyfriend or girlfriend had slept with somebody else.  I didn’t believe any of that crap, but I did believe that believing in it was “normal”; I was therefore a freak.  By the end of my twenties I had a much broader outlook; I felt that everyone was different, and that my way of perceiving sex was no less “normal” than the more common view.  But after 18 years of harlotry, I’ve begun to realize that my initial position was closer to the truth, except for big difference:  I’m not the one with the freakish way of looking at sex; society at large is.  Sex isn’t any more magical or holy or special than any other thing we can do with other people; it doesn’t have any unique power to destroy souls, and it isn’t “ruined” or “polluted” or whatever if one has it with multiple partners, or pays for it, or engages in it for reasons other than “love” or “pleasure”.  Rape is not a fate worse than death, sex society brands as “illicit” is mostly harmful to young people because of the stigma society inflicts rather than because of the activity itself, and extramarital sex has no intrinsic power to “wreck” a home; it’s jealousy and insecurity which do that.  The taboo/magical/possessive paradigm of sexuality is deeply sick and twisted, and has probably caused more evil, sorrow and destruction than any other single cultural construct on earth.

There’s an old adage that goes, “in the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king,” but that’s total bullshit; as H.G. Wells illustrated in his story “The Country of the Blind“, the real response of a nation of blind people to someone trying to describe the concept of sight would be to conclude he was an imbecile.  Were the hypothetical one-eyed man to peruse the (Braille-like) records of this blind nation, he might discover other cases of “sick”, “crazy” and perhaps even “dangerous” individuals who had claimed to possess this imaginary power called “sight”; he might even find analyses of why these people should give up their delusions of a fifth sense, and how they’d never be happy or fit into society until they stopped claiming to see, or possibly even descriptions of how such troublemakers had been sentenced to have their eyes plucked out to rid them of this twisted delusion of “sight”.  What I’m getting at is this:  there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you or your way of looking at your relationship, but since you live in the Country of the Blind, don’t be surprised if the great majority can’t understand your gift of sight.  And because they can’t, they will all try to convince you that you’re the one who’s wrong and sick.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 7,990 other followers