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Archive for the ‘Q & A’ Category

The Anxiety Trap

I have intense fear of socializing and being vulnerable with other people, especially other women; men can be “intense” for me and so I fear them too, even though I know it’s irrational.  This may seem stupid, but I feel helpless and trapped.  Do you have any advice?

I’m sorry I’ve taken a week to answer you; I’ve been pretty rushed and I wanted to take the time to give you a proper answer.  Well, that’s not entirely honest; I haven’t just been busy, I’ve also been suffering from pretty severe anxiety and feelings of sorrow.  I’m telling you this because I want you to understand that you aren’t alone.  Many people, even people you respect and think of as wise or heroic, suffer from these kinds of feelings.  Now, the feelings aren’t always directed toward the same things; for example, I have no problem at all with socializing, but like you I have a great deal of trouble with allowing myself to be vulnerable with people I love (so forget it with strangers).  The feeling persists even with people who have never done anything to justify it; it’s a feeling born inside of me, fed by decades of frustrating social & familial interactions dating back to my childhood.  And yes, I feel very stupid about it, especially because everyone thinks I’m so strong and tough and they can’t imagine why I should be this way.

But I’m here to tell you that it isn’t stupid, not at all; it’s the way you’re wired.  I don’t know whether this is due to trauma or biochemistry (some anxiety disorders are neurological & have nothing to do with life experiences), but in either case I think you could probably benefit from therapy.  I’m not promising you it will be easy to find one; you may have to try a few before locating one who will understand you and whom you can trust (this is even more so for sex workers).  But I think it’s worth the effort.  The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a list of “kink-aware professionals”, and at the bottom of that list you’ll find other links that may be helpful; you didn’t say you were kinky, but most professionals who are non-judgmental of kink will also be non-judgmental of sex work.  If you can’t find anyone on that list you might also try AASECT, but please be aware that many therapists in that list are NOT sex-positive despite setting themselves forth as therapists specializing in sexuality.  It’s also possible that medications may help; some people benefit from daily anti-anxiety medications, while others do better on take-as-needed medications like Xanax (or even cannabis, if you have a consistent source).  But even if you and your doctor decide meds are not the best option, just being able to talk to someone non-judgmental can do a world of good.

I wish you all the best, and I sincerely want you to write me back to keep me posted on how things go for you.  Above all, please understand that you aren’t alone, you aren’t weird, and your suffering isn’t hopeless.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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I’ve been with a wide variety of providers in my past and I’m now married to a wonderful woman, but I still feel the need to share thoughts and experiences (and nothing else) with someone who is extraordinarily open-minded and intelligent.  Might you be able to introduce me to someone else whom I could connect with? 

I’m interested in connecting with anybody willing to pay for my time, whether sex is involved or not; I have regular gents for whom sex is only a small part of their relationship with me.  However, I’m hearing that you’re not looking for a courtesan but a platonic friend in a relationship without a pragmatic element in either direction, yours or hers.  And if that is indeed the case, I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you.  While I’m flattered that you think I have the kind of wisdom a matchmaker requires and puzzled that you think I could invest the time and effort to find a match for a stranger, there are entire dating & “friend finder” services dedicated to this kind of thing.  It’s just not something a lone person, even one with the talent and energy that I lack, can do for anyone outside of a small and tight-knit community.  I wish you good luck in whatever it is you’re searching for, though.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Only Time

I’ve heard of escorts pricing individual acts, but have no idea how the prices are communicated to the client without possibly exposing yourself in front of an undercover cop.  I don’t think a handjob should be priced the same as anal considering the disparity in risk and effort between the two.

In general, it’s a really bad idea for an escort to charge for anything other than time, though most escorts have a lower social rate for dates without private time (in other words conducted completely in public such as dinner or drinks).  It’s true that BDSM and fetish are generally priced a little lower than full service, which I personally think is stupid; dommes take a long time to learn their craft and they need to invest a great deal more energy and imagination in a session than GFE escorts like me have to.  Furthermore, they need a lot of expensive specialized equipment in addition to the lingerie, makeup, beauty costs, condoms, lube, etc that escorts need.  So they should charge more than regular escorts, not less!  But I digress; other than the disparities I mentioned, no escort I know charges a la carte, or if she does she doesn’t tell me.  Flat-rate pricing generally operates in the sex worker’s favor anyway; would you really want to have to give a refund if a client pays for full service, but then climaxes while you’re warming him up with mouth or hands?  Because I sure wouldn’t.  If you feel a particular menu item is more effort than you want to expend, either don’t offer it at all or only offer it to regulars you like.

As for cops, I’ve said this many times but it bears repeating:  You cannot actually protect yourself from a cop trying to trick you, because cops lie; if you let one in your door or go in his door, you will be arrested no matter what you say or do.  He will simply claim you said whatever the local DA requires to press charges on you.  The only way to be safe from a cop is to detect him before you meet him or even talk very much.  If you meet him, you’re going for a ride no matter what you said or didn’t say, so proper screening is your best safeguard.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Why on earth would anybody pay for sex instead of going to a bar/club & getting it that way for a lot less?  What’s so special about these “high-end” services?

Getting sex from random amateurs is fine if you’re a single, socially adept vanilla with plenty of free time, no unusual or embarrassing needs, and no need for discretion who doesn’t mind the possibility of STIs, weird drama or the potential for unwanted phone calls, etc later.  Most men aren’t in that position.  What you’re paying a sex worker for is competence, professionalism, cleanliness & discretion.  If you’re OK with fucking incompetent, indiscreet, unpredictable amateurs with questionable sanitary habits, go for it.  But remember that free pussy is the most expensive kind.  An experienced sex worker provides quality, cleanliness, expertise, punctuality and the kind of company you want, when you want it, instead of having to cater to someone else’s unpredictable needs.  A guy who contacts me spends a few minutes in the contact and screening process, then gets a lady of known high quality for however long he can afford.  A dude who gets to bars doesn’t know how long it’ll take and gets an encounter of unknown quality, unknown strings & possible STIs.  It’s true that sometimes you can find something really valuable for $10 at a junk shop, but it takes time & you can’t count on it.  This isn’t rocket science; it’s a simple case of “you get what you pay for”, which is why we’ve been popular with gents since prehistory.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Take It Easy

I’m dating a Catholic virgin (both of us are professional adults).  We’re going to have sex soon, and I want to make it good for her, but I’m not very experienced myself and I’m both long and thick; I have to buy custom condoms because nothing store-bought fits.  Worse, I have a pronounced downward bend; it caused problems with my first-ever girlfriend, and that left a lasting impression on me.  I really don’t want to ruin this for her; do you have any advice?

The most important advice I can give you about this is, DON’T RUSH.  If she’s a virgin your size may scare her at first, so you need to be ready for that possibility.  If it happens, you need to sincerely tell her that it’s not a rush, and you have to mean it so she sees it in your eyes and believes you.  Start with fingers and oral, to get her ready before you even try; if she has an aversion to fingers, try gently explaining that you’re concerned about hurting her so you want to take it slow & get her ready.  The vagina can take a LOT more than any human man has; lesbians often fist each other (which even though women’s hands are smaller than men’s, are still MUCH thicker than penises).  Plus, babies, right?  But that’s after warmup and relaxation.  So anything you can do to help her relax is a bonus; a few cocktails (you don’t want her drunk, just relaxed) or some good cannabis are time-tested methods.  When you do start the actual penetration process, don’t be in a rush; a little at a time, with kissing and touching, will help her to stay calm and relaxed.  And make sure you have plenty of water-based lube on hand; women vary in the amount they lubricate naturally, and if she’s nervous she may be drier than under optimal conditions.  Plus, condoms require more lube than bareback sex; the latex produces more friction than bare skin.  If she does get scared and changes her mind, don’t get angry; that isn’t uncommon.  Just gently withdraw and assure her that it’s OK, and that y’all can try again another time (again, you need to mean it because she’ll know if you’re just saying it).

Just because she’s a virgin does not mean she’ll be super-tight; women’s genitalia come in all sizes just as men’s do, so once she gets over the nervousness you may fit quite well.  And it’s a myth that a lot of sex loosens a woman; after 36 years of sex I’m still extremely tight.  What some guys mistake for loosening is just the woman learning to relax, which of course increases with experience (childbirth can also damage the muscles, but that’s a subject for another day).  It’s possible that your angle may cause an issue, especially if it’s pronounced; you may need to try a couple of different positions to see which one works best for her.  Reverse cowgirl (woman on top, facing the man’s feet) can be good for penises with a pronounced downward bend, and that has the bonus of letting her control the rate and depth; of course, that also results in deper penetration, which is not so good for a long cock.  So you’ll probably need to experiment to see what’s best.  Incidentally, I believe there has been some progress in the treatment of Peyronie’s Syndrome (that’s what the pronounced bend is called), so you may want to talk to your doctor for referral to a specialist for consultation.

Finally, and VERY importantly, do not worry about your skill level.  Really, honestly, that is of little to no consequence to most women.  What’s important is that you be loving, gentle and patient; that you listen to what she says and watch her nonverbal cues about what feels good and what doesn’t; that you make her feel beautiful, desirable and loved, and not pressured or inadequate; and that you help her understand that more than anything else you want intimacy with her, specifically, and not just any attractive woman.  And that because of that last, you’re willing to take your time and do whatever it takes to make her happy and comfortable.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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How does one go about finding an escort if he lives in a small town or rural area?

As with so many things, that depends on a number of factors.  If you’re financially comfortable and have time you can spend as you like, you can search the internet for a lady you like just about anywhere, then simply travel to her city and spend the night in a nice hotel; maybe you can do some sightseeing or take in a show or sporting event or the like while you’re at it.  If you travel for business, that’s even easier; just contact the provider of your choice in the city you’re visiting and arrange for an outcall to your hotel.  If you know your travel dates well in advance, I’d suggest making the arrangements as early as possible; I can’t count the number of times I’ve been contacted by gentlemen who are really excited to see me…but wait to call on the last day of their stay, and I’m busy or out of town or otherwise unable to see them.  If you’re traveling with co-workers and fear discovery, just ask to see the lady at her incall; a short cab or Lyft ride will buy you privacy and peace of mind.  And if you’ve got more money than flexibility, many escorts (including me) are willing to travel to your location for the right price.  If you choose this option, she may require airfare, accommodations and/or a minimum date length, and will almost certainly ask for a deposit; these requirements can vary a great deal from one lady to another (for example, I require accommodations and a minimum date length, but I handle my own airfare or fuel costs).

If you’re on a budget and can’t travel freely, your choices are a bit more limited; if the nearest large city isn’t too far, you could drive there and return in the same day, seeing a provider at her incall (a few months ago a gentleman drove from Spokane to see me, four hours each way).  And even if it is far, you could wait for an opportunity when you’re traveling there anyway.  Some review sites do cover small cities and the area surrounding them; when I lived in Oklahoma I still saw gentlemen part-time despite being two hours from either Tulsa or Oklahoma City.  This isn’t unusual; many of the escorts in less-populated places are part-timers.  If there isn’t a review board which covers your area, you’ll need to go to Backpage or Craigslist; though these sites no longer have designated adult ads due to the “sex trafficking” witch hunt, you can still find them in the “women seeking men” section, ads for personal services such as massage, etc.  But please be very, very careful with that; sociopathic cops adore using those sites to entrap people so they can rob them, post their pictures in the paper and destroy their lives.  If quickie ad sites are your only option, ask the lady if she has a website or a presence on an escort board in another city; just because she lives in a small town doesn’t mean she doesn’t tour or take frequent trips to a nearby city.  If you just want sexual services and don’t require companionship, you might consider a massage parlor, but beware; cops have been known to raid them and even to set up fake massage parlors to entrap men.  So only go to one if you’ve seen it continually in the same location for at least a year, and have never, ever seen police cars there or heard of it being raided.  And no matter which of these strategies you choose, tip well and be a perfect gentleman, so you will be able to count on seeing her again in the future.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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The Scent of Money

I’m an older gentleman who wants to start a blog, mostly about my erotic adventures.  I’ve read your “staying anonymous” article but I’m confused about how you can do that when accepting donations by PayPal.

The article you’re talking about is hosted on my blog, but was not written by me; it’s by my friend Brooke Magnanti, whom you may know as Belle de Jour.  I’m not anything like an expert at remaining anonymous online, and honestly I don’t even try any more; I’ve gotten used to complete strangers greeting me by name or telling me they saw me on TV or whatever.  However, I will tell you this: when there’s non-cash money transfer involved, you can’t be completely anonymous, period (no, not even with bitcoin).  The federal government has a sick, pathological need to peer into the business of every single person in the world, trebly so when money is involved.  So if you take donations via Paypal, Patreon, Google wallet or anything else, that is going to be linked to a bank account with your name on it.  Even if you form a corporation in Delaware as I did, thus keeping your legal name out of the public record, your corporate agent still has your legal name on file because Uncle Sam demands it.  So even though stalkers, reporters and other garden-variety Nosy Parkers can’t easily discover my legal name, I can guarantee you as sure as the sun rises that if any government actor of sufficient power really wanted my info, all he’s have to do is present a “warrant request” to his trained pet judge and they’d have my name before you can say “Holy police state, Batman!”.  Actually, I’m reasonably sure my FBI file contains all that info anyway (up to and including my legal name, street address, IQ, psychological profile, bra size and close-up photos of every one of my scars*).

All this having been said, I doubt you’re trying to hide your identity from the IRS or FBI; I assume you’re probably just trying to hide it from friends, associates and family members.  In which case, you’ll be just fine because ordinary folks can’t easily discover which bank account the PayPal account (or Google wallet) for a given email address is connected to.  But if it’s the government you’re concerned about, you might as well hang up that idea of taking donations right now, unless you plan to go around the country on foot picking up anonymous cash donations left in nondescript satchels in bus-station lockers.

*The answer is “quite a few”.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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