Archive for the ‘Q & A’ Category

I’m 23 years old and generally considered good looking and very intelligent, but I’ve never had any success with girls. I’ve been going to prostitutes once a month, and though they’re always lovely, in the end I feel horrible for doing this, instead of managing to get a girl by myself.  Is there something I can do to be more attractive to women?

retro paying for itI’ve written on several occasions about how men can be more attractive to women; probably the best one for your purposes would be “Never Let ‘Em See You Sweat“.  But since I’ve already answered that question, I’m going to ask you one instead:  What the hell do you mean by “I feel horrible for doing this, instead of managing to get a girl by myself“?  It seems to me that you are getting girls “by yourself”, in whatever quantity you can afford and whatever type you like.  Do you mean someone else is paying for you, and that you’re concerned he might stop at some point?  Or are you using counterfeit money or a stolen credit card, and feel horrible for hurting others by your theft?  Or is it that you imagine paying directly with cash to be somehow morally inferior to paying indirectly with presents and entertainment?  Surely you don’t feel “horrible” for  fairly paying a woman the price she wants, instead of tricking her with bullshit…is it that you actually know the price and what you’re getting for it, rather than getting sex of indeterminate quality for a hidden price you won’t know until it’s too late, that could even include legal proceedings against you and/or two-decade long financial obligations?  Because honestly, that doesn’t seem like something any sane man would prefer…is it a kink of some kind?  Because if so, I’m sure you could find a professional who’d help you to indulge it far more safely than experimenting with some possibly-unbalanced and certainly-unpredictable amateur.  Or maybe you’re laboring under the misapprehension that “real” men get sex for “free”, or something like that?  Because I can guarantee you that isn’t the case; every man pays, and the only thing that varies is the method of payment.  Help me out here, sweetheart; I simply can’t wrap my head around what you’re trying to say.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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I’m thinking of hiring an escort to surprise my husband; I know he’d love it, but I’m not sure how I would react to it.  Any advice?

menage a troisIt’s a lovely idea, and the fact that you’re even considering it puts you in the class of cool, laid-back and sensible wives.  However, there’s often a gap between the spirit and the flesh, so there are several factors you ought to consider before actually going through with it.  First, you need to consider how jealous you might be deep down; though the very fact you’re thinking about this shows you aren’t sexually insecure, jealousy is a visceral reaction and it could surprise you.  Have you ever felt a twinge of it when you’ve seen your husband dancing with, flirting with or talking to another woman, or when he discusses old girlfriends?  Because if you have, you need to think about how you might react to watching him actually fuck another woman in front of you.  Even if it’s just a subtle discomfort, it could mar your enjoyment of the experience and even affect the way you feel about him immediately afterward.  As I always tell couples before we start, we’re there to give both of you an exciting evening, not to cause trouble between you.  So do think about how you might feel, and if you have a unexpectedly-negative reaction during the date you need to be honest about it rather than trying to bury it.

Another important factor is your relative level of bisexuality.  You didn’t mention what exactly your husband has said about three-ways in the past; do you think he just wants two women working on him, or would he like to see you making love to another woman?  Because lesbian contact between the women is an integral part of many men’s fantasies about this subject, you should be prepared for that; if you’re bisexual or strongly bi-curious this is a moot point, but if you’re neither it would be a good idea to think about how you would feel about kissing another woman, or having her go down on you.  I think it would be an excellent idea for you to read my two-part “Couples” column, which goes into depth about couple calls from the escort’s point of view; the second part compares one that went really badly with one that went really well, and I think the differences may be instructive for you.  If you decide you do want to try, here’s my advice on finding a good sex worker for the job.  Good luck, and have fun!

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Off Limits

I think married men should be off limits for prostitutes.  Why don’t you care about other women?

Cheating.How do you propose whores determine a man’s marital status, demand he produce his certificate of bachelorhood?  You do realize a married man looks exactly like an unmarried one, don’t you?  Frankly, it’s not our responsibility to determine which men are married, just like it isn’t a bartender’s job to guess which of his customers may belong to a religion that forbids drinking.  If a man wants to have extracurricular sex he’s going to, and there’s nothing his wife or any whore within driving range can do to stop that; even if we had some sort of professional code against providing services to married men, they’d simply lie and say they weren’t married.  However, it would be really stupid for us to make such a code, even if it could somehow be enforced; for one thing, married men make up easily 75% of our clients, and for another you wouldn’t actually WANT us to stop seeing them, even though you believe that you do.  As I wrote almost five years ago in “Harm Reduction“,

…at least two-thirds of married men will at least occasionally seek extramarital sex.  No woman has any way of knowing whether the man she chooses will be a member of the minority who is able to resist temptation, so if she defines a “successful marriage” as one in which her husband never strays she is playing Russian Roulette with at least four bullets.  But if she defines it as one in which her husband’s probable infidelities cause no overt damage, difficulty or social consequences, all she need do is keep him from getting involved with amateurs…whores allow men to cheat in a managed fashion and thereby minimize harm to their wives and children.  Far from being a “social evil” as it usually referred to in the United States, prostitution is a positive good because it provides a controlled outlet for male sexual impulses which might otherwise cause tremendous problems, including (but by no means limited to) rape and broken marriages.  While it’s true that for a wife to discover her husband has been patronizing whores might damage their marriage, would an affair or constant pressure for unwanted sex do any less?…

Insecure women may refer to sex workers as “homewreckers”, but in fact we save far more marriages than we destroy because we allow men to manage the sexual impulses their wives either can’t or won’t cater to, and which they would otherwise follow into affairs which might indeed wreck the home.  Finally, married men are the safest of clients; they have good boundaries and aren’t likely to get obsessed, fall in love or turn into stalkers.  They come to us precisely because they want to stay married, so they choose to dally with women who are absolutely not going to jeopardize their marriages by getting involved with them.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Once a Client

Though you and your husband are divorced now, your marriage was successful for a long time.  How did you manage to transition from thinking of him as a client to thinking of him as something else?

2-headed girlThe short, pithy and only-somewhat-accurate answer is, “I didn’t”.  It’s very popular to imagine love as an emotion which transforms all relationships into something completely different, but that’s poppycock; the fact that I love Grace never changed the fact that she was my business partner, and it doesn’t change the fact that she is my property manager now.  Her role as my manager is separate and distinct from her role as a person I love, just as an accountant who prepares his wife’s taxes is no less her accountant simply because they love one another.  I honestly believe that the pretense this isn’t so is one of the most important reasons marriages fail so often nowadays.  As I wrote in “Housewife Harlotry“,

Just because a man is another man’s friend doesn’t mean he can’t also be his doctor or business partner, and if he thinks their friendship means he can neglect the economic relationship he will find that neither lasts very long.  Similarly, a woman who thinks that “love” means she can neglect her defining contribution to the marriage, sex, may strain both interactions (the love-relationship and the socioeconomic partnership) to the breaking point.

Even during the most intimate phase of our marriage, I absolutely never lost sight of our respective socioeconomic roles in the relationship: he provided me with income and I provided him with sex, companionship and other wifely contributions.  In other words, because he never actually stopped giving me money for my companionship, I never stopped being a whore and he never stopped being my client.  The fact that I loved him didn’t change that underlying relationship, just as the eventual dissolution of that relationship didn’t change the fact that I love him; they are two distinctly different things.  Likewise, I think it’s absurd and dangerous to conflate sex with love; just because I have sex with someone doesn’t mean I love him in any way, and just because I love someone doesn’t mean I want to have sex with her.  Human relationships which are more than superficial tend to be complex and multi-faceted, with different components and aspects.  And effacing the lines between those aspects, or conflating them with one another, nearly always results in harm to the aspects and usually to the whole relationship.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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If we let consenting adults have sex, who knows what else they’ll want permission to do?  –  The Onion

Reaction Formation

This is a pretty decent explanation of reaction formation:

…some of the people who rail against porn…or any of the other controversial items on the sexual smorgasbord…are actually turned on by the thing they decry.  They may not know it consciously, but being anti-whatever actually gives one a grand excuse for being immersed in whatever…many absexuals don’t truly understand what a strong erotic response they’re actually having…They just can’t seem to shut up about it.  And they get really worked up—I believe they go into the sexual response cycle when they begin to pontificate about the things they hate so much…

Saving Them From Themselves

Fayetteville, North Carolina, cops have charged 17-year-old Cormega Copening with sexual exploitation of a minor—his girlfriend, who is the same age—because the couple sent each other nude photos of themselves…There’s no evidence the photos were ever sent to anyone else, and police only became aware of them because they searched Copening’s phone for unrelated reasons that haven’t been specified.  Even so, the teen…faces decades on the Sex Offender Registry and up to ten years behind bars if convicted…Copening’s girlfriend—who remains unnamed in the news articles—is also facing charges…

Above the Law rapist cop Brian Tucker

Prince George’s County, Maryland has more than its share of predatory cops:

…State…trooper Brian Tucker…picked up [a]…woman…and the two decided to have sex…Tucker…drove the woman to an abandoned industrial area…and…the two had consensual sex before the trooper asked the woman if she wanted to have anal sex and she refused…Tucker put his service weapon to the woman’s head and anally raped her…

The End of the Beginning

More of this, please:

…In 2011 the city council of Lynn, Massachusetts, enacted an ordinance than prohibits certain categories of sex offenders from living within 1,000 feet of a school or park—exclusion zones that cover 95 percent of the town’s residential property…the Supreme Judicial Court (SJC) of Massachusetts overturned the ordinance, concluding that it conflicts with the state’s scheme for regulating sex offenders after they are released from prison…”By requiring level two and level three sex offenders to move from their residences or face a civil penalty of $300 per day,” the opinion says, “the ordinance disrupts the stability of the home situations of sex offenders.  As a supervised and stable home situation has been recognized as a factor that minimizes the sex offender’s risk of reoffense, this disruption is inconsistent with the Legislature’s goal of protecting the public”…

Frequently Told Lies

A good dissection of the ridiculous pretense that every sex worker who wants decriminalization is “unrepresentative”:

Accusations of unrepresentativeness in sex industry debates are most often deployed to silence – acting as full stops in the conversation.  They enable sex industry abolitionists to restrict the discussion to the topic of identity, miring it in issues of “representativeness” instead of exploring the substance of the representations being made.  This preoccupation may be partly why abolitionists seem to have such a poor grasp of the subtleties of sex industry politics…

January Q & A (#417)

There’s a word for men who exploitatively profit from sex workers without giving them anything in return:

…Brian Bates, known to many as the “Video Vigilante,” posted a video…on his JohnTV website…using a drone…the device he uses now costs about $2,000.  He also had to spend the equivalent of several 24-hour days learning how to fly the thing…Bates said he earns a living through posting his videos on YouTube and by licensing his footage to TV production companies all over the world…

Vendetta (#432)

This abomination will continue to be inflicted on ever-larger numbers of victims until Hunt’s weapons are forcibly removed by decriminalization:

Las Vegas…recently wrapped up its participation in a national initiative designed to [inflict Swanee Hunt’s sad, sick psychodrama on people who never did her any harm]…Cook County (Ill.) Sheriff Thomas J. Dart began these operations in 2011…[and the number of pigs at the teat] has grown from eight agencies to more than 70.   The 10th “National Johns Suppression Initiative” ran from June 1 through Aug. 30…A variety of sting operations locally resulted in…34 “John” arrests…36 [underage sex workers arrested]…44 adult sex [workers arrested]…26 [other people charged as pimps and]…23 search warrants served [to look for loot]…The Onion logo

The More the Better (#512)

The humor sites have much better, more sensible coverage of sex work than the so-called “serious” media.  With the exception of one very flat note in the “cons” section, The Onion‘s “The Pros and Cons of Legalizing Prostitution” is wonderfully snarky and dead on target.

Traffic Circle (#546)

It’s so, so wonderful to have Glenn Kessler on our side:

ECPAT…attributed [the “100,000 trafficked children” lie] to 2010 congressional testimony by Ernie Allen, at the time president of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC)…Allen said he relied on two reports…Estes and…Weiner…and the 2002 National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway and Thrownaway Children (NISMART)…Both of these…rely on data collected in the 1990s…the Estes-Weiner report has been the subject of criticism by social scientists for years, and yet for some reason it remains the go-to source for anti-trafficking advocates…But…the NISMART report…shows that only 1,700 kids — less than one percent — reported having engaged in sexual activity in exchange for money, drugs, food, or shelter during the episode…more than three-quarters were away from home for less than a week; 99.8 percent…were recovered.  So the pool of children who could end up being trafficked is relatively small…

If You Want Something Done Right…

Police say they are seeking tips after a woman working as a prostitute at a [Michigan] motel fought with two armed robbers and took a rifle away from one of them.  She called…police…to report the robbery…When she heard a knock at her door she thought it was [a client but]…a masked man with a rifle forced his way into the room…A second young man followed behind the first…and there was a scuffle…The woman fell or was knocked down the stairs after she seized the rifle from one of the young men…One of the two assailants grabbed the woman’s purse from her room after she fell…

Amnesty At Last (#564)

It’s starting, slowly but surely:

[Oklahoma City] Councilman Ed Shadid said he wants the city to consider legalizing – or at least decriminalizing – prostitution…”I think we should stop criminalizing sexual behavior.”  Shadid spoke during a discussion of a “Disorderly House” ordinance, which expanded the definition of an “open lot disturbance violation” to include drugs and prostitution.  The ordinance passed, but Shadid said criminalizing prostitutes is not the way to solve the city’s problems…Shadid, a surgeon, said he is worried about the spread of antibacterial-resistant and sexually-transmitted diseases…”Do you want to use [shame and impoverishment and imprisonment] for nonviolent, consensual activities, where perhaps in some cases it could be safer if it were regulated?”…

Little Boxes (#566)

I was wondering how long it would take them to cram this into the “sex trafficking” paradigm:

Three women who pose painted and topless for tips in Times Square say that ten undercover police officers [stole] their clothing, purses, cellphones and wallets from the pedestrian plaza at 42nd Street…while they were using the bathroom at a nearby parking garage.  The women had to walk nine blocks in their paint and robes to the Midtown South precinct in order to retrieve their possessions.  There, before returning any items, detectives questioned them each separately in an interrogation room…The [harassment]…coincided with the arrest of their assistant Chris Olivieri [who] spends afternoons…holding their tips…running for snacks and tampons, guarding their clothing, and painting their breasts, backs, and legs…the Daily News, the mayor, and Governor Cuomo have recently tried to imply that male “managers” (“pimps,” if you read the tabloids) force the women, so-called “desnudas,” to work…

Now They Notice

Of course, this was glaringly obvious from the start:

…The New York Times served up a prime example of…incongruence in two editorials that ran…on the very same day. In…a statement by the august Editorial Board, the Rentboy raid was presented…as an attack on civil liberties enabled by the illegality of prostitution.  The Times board advanced the notion that the men using the site — on both the buying and selling side — were rational actors who were victimized only by hectoring law enforcement.  The solution, clearly, was the decriminalization of sex work…Contrast that with the op-ed by Rachel Moran, a [prohibitionist pretending to be a] former prostitute…which is…an attack on the recently proposed Amnesty International policy drafted to protect the rights of sex workers worldwide…The two editorials…fall along lines of gendered doublespeak that remain consistent in mainstream media: Decriminalization would liberate male sex workers, who are presumed to have complete sexual autonomy, while it would all but enslave females, who are presumed to have none…

Even MSNBC published a sensible position for a change:

…unlike MyRedbook.com (also raided by the federal government) and Craigslist Erotic Services (shuttered by political pressure), no one has justified the raid on Rentboy as necessary to stopping human trafficking or protecting any victims…Sex workers consistently say they find it safer to screen clients online than on the street.  Closing down such websites directly increases the risk of harm to sex workers.  That is the effect of criminalization…Advocates of prosecution invoke racialized myths of sex work as dominated by “pimps” and “traffickers” that don’t bear out in research…Meanwhile…resources that could go to uncovering actual trafficking and supporting victims are being wasted on locking up sex workers and shuttering escort sites…

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Social Disease

Recently, I saw an escort who had a rash on her behind and thighs.  She said she had been laying on her belly on the beach and fell asleep, resulting in a serious burn which also caused a rash.  The rash did not look like herpes, but I am worried about carrying it to a girl I’m dating even though the sex was protected and the lady is meticulous about condom usage.  Do you think she was telling the truth?

leperThere’s a really, really simple way to be sure about this: get tested.  If she was lying, you’ll know soon enough.  But I’m sure you already thought of that; it’s pretty obvious.  It is, in fact, so obvious that I have to wonder why you didn’t simply do it instead of writing me about it.  And what I think is that you aren’t really worried about an actual disease spread by a pathogen, but rather an imaginary “contagion” of sin.  You don’t owe fidelity to a girl you’re simply dating, but I suspect you’re more serious about her than y’all have officially agreed to be, and because of that you feel guilty about having visited a whore.   Sex with a professional would not be the same as cheating even if the two of you had a monogamous relationship, which you don’t; feeling guilt when the two of you aren’t committed makes even less sense.  And I hardly need to tell you that you’ve got far more chance of catching something from the amateurs you’re implicitly allowed to date than from professionals.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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About 15 minutes after leaving a great appointment with a touring escort I realized I had left my cell phone in her room.  I went back to retrieve it and knocked on the door; she was talking with another client, but quickly looked around and couldn’t find it.  Later I texted her to see if she found it before leaving the hotel, and I haven’t heard back.  I’d like to see her again, and I’m wondering if I crossed any lines of etiquette that might give her second thoughts about seeing me again.

approach patternYou bet you did, and how.   It is never, repeat never (and I do mean never) permissible for a client to invade an escort’s space when she isn’t expecting him.  Don’t knock on her door, stick a note in her mailbox to say you forgot her number, drive by to see if she’s home or intentionally go someplace you know she’s going to be; unless you’ve got an appointment with her, don’t approach her in any way other than the ones she has indicated are OK for unexpected contact (phone, text, email or whatever).  And if you do have an appointment with her, don’t show up early and malinger in the parking lot, or loiter outside checking your messages after you’ve left, or return 15 minutes later because you forgot something.  You pay her for a certain block of time, and to forcibly occupy other time she has not agreed to sell you is rude at best and threatening at worst.

But that’s not the only issue here, because despite the well-known disclaimer sex workers are indeed selling you something other than time and companionship; we are selling discretion.  Would you want another client knocking on the door while you’re still there, or hanging around outside to watch you leave and note your license plate number?  Naaah, I didn’t think so.  And other gents don’t want you doing it to them, either.  Furthermore, do you really want to know how soon your appointment was after the one before you, or how soon the next one is after you?  Even if that’s your kink, you don’t have the right to draft another client to participate in it without his consent.  An escort’s scheduling practices are nobody’s business but hers; she may choose to space her appointments out or to schedule them very tightly, and when she’s on tour the latter is much more likely than the former.  Sure, it’s unlikely that she’s got them only fifteen minutes apart, but what if she does?  Or in your case, what if the next client was scheduled only half an hour behind you, and his time management was just as loosey-goosey as yours but in the opposite direction so he was arriving fifteen minutes early?  Awkward, that, and possibly damaging to her business.

What you should’ve done was to immediately call or text her by whatever means you used to text her later; if you didn’t have that phone and/or her number with you, it would’ve been better just to wait until you did.  I’m guessing that the phone you misplaced was a disposable “burner”, and the one you texted her from later was your normal one; if that’s the case, it was not really pressing that you recover it immediately. But even if it was your primary phone and you absolutely needed it, your needs don’t trump hers; discretion and courtesy both demand you always ask permission before approaching an incall, and refrain from doing so until that permission is granted.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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