Archive for the ‘Q & A’ Category

I am a mistress right now.  I love my boyfriend very much, but I am very confused about everything that I have researched about mistresses and wives.  Apparently, I am supposed to be a homewrecker, an evil temptress whose only desire is to take him away from his family.  Nothing could be further from my mind–I even give my boyfriend advice on how to get along with his wife.  The more I look around the net, the more I find sites that tell me how I am going to be disappointed because he will not leave his wife, because he uses me sexually, because I will not have an intimate emotional connection with him.  But I do not want him to leave his wife, and if the affair was ever discovered I would call her and promise her that I would never see him again so that he can be with his family.  I don’t get money from him, either; I don’t really understand how I am supposed to fit into the expectations society has of mistresses.

succubusWhen I was a teenager, I figured that my sexuality made me a weirdo.  I didn’t think sex was some special, magical thing to be shared only with certain consecrated people; nor did I believe it was dirty and polluting and had some special power to destroy my soul.  I was attracted to men and women equally, was willing to try new things, and was polyamorous at a time and place where that term didn’t exist (we called them “open relationships”, and some of my older partners called it “free love”).  The idea of jealousy made no sense at all to me; I didn’t care if my partners had sex with other people and I probably had more three-ways before I was 20 than more conventional girls have had sex partners of any kind.  But society told me that was all abnormal; sex possessed some kind of magical mumbo-jumbo taboo energy which made it different from all other human activity, and if I had “too much” I would be “ruined”, and I should be angry and hostile and hateful and throw my relationship away if I discovered a boyfriend or girlfriend had slept with somebody else.  I didn’t believe any of that crap, but I did believe that believing in it was “normal”; I was therefore a freak.  By the end of my twenties I had a much broader outlook; I felt that everyone was different, and that my way of perceiving sex was no less “normal” than the more common view.  But after 18 years of harlotry, I’ve begun to realize that my initial position was closer to the truth, except for big difference:  I’m not the one with the freakish way of looking at sex; society at large is.  Sex isn’t any more magical or holy or special than any other thing we can do with other people; it doesn’t have any unique power to destroy souls, and it isn’t “ruined” or “polluted” or whatever if one has it with multiple partners, or pays for it, or engages in it for reasons other than “love” or “pleasure”.  Rape is not a fate worse than death, sex society brands as “illicit” is mostly harmful to young people because of the stigma society inflicts rather than because of the activity itself, and extramarital sex has no intrinsic power to “wreck” a home; it’s jealousy and insecurity which do that.  The taboo/magical/possessive paradigm of sexuality is deeply sick and twisted, and has probably caused more evil, sorrow and destruction than any other single cultural construct on earth.

There’s an old adage that goes, “in the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king,” but that’s total bullshit; as H.G. Wells illustrated in his story “The Country of the Blind“, the real response of a nation of blind people to someone trying to describe the concept of sight would be to conclude he was an imbecile.  Were the hypothetical one-eyed man to peruse the (Braille-like) records of this blind nation, he might discover other cases of “sick”, “crazy” and perhaps even “dangerous” individuals who had claimed to possess this imaginary power called “sight”; he might even find analyses of why these people should give up their delusions of a fifth sense, and how they’d never be happy or fit into society until they stopped claiming to see, or possibly even descriptions of how such troublemakers had been sentenced to have their eyes plucked out to rid them of this twisted delusion of “sight”.  What I’m getting at is this:  there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you or your way of looking at your relationship, but since you live in the Country of the Blind, don’t be surprised if the great majority can’t understand your gift of sight.  And because they can’t, they will all try to convince you that you’re the one who’s wrong and sick.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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My wife has medical issues which for the past 15 years have reduced our intimacy to a few kisses a month and sex (maybe) 2 – 4 times per year.  I know she’s doing the best she can to give me what I need, but when she does I can tell she’s in pain and there’s no emotional intimacy at all.  Lately, I have entertained the possibility of a body rub or escort professional, but I’m looking for emotional connection rather than just sex.  I’m also worried about police and scams; I don’t want to do something stupid and wind up arrested and ruin my life.hands

I’ve written on a number of occasions about how to find a good escort and avoid problems; you might find reading those columns worthwhile (you can find them via my “Previously Asked Questions” page).  But the short version is:  haunt your local escort board and advertising sites for a few weeks, and read all you can on any woman who strikes your fancy before you call her.  Avoid women with no history you can discover, and try to stick to ones with a well-known reputation.  If you do that, you can virtually eliminate the possibility of being tricked by cops or scam artists.  But you’re asking for a little more; you not only want a lady who’s dependable, but also one you can feel that sense of intimacy with.  It’s possible that after 15 years of touch-starvation you’d be able to achieve that with any decent GFE escort, but I have a few suggestions that might increase your chances.

  • Stick with women of your own generation; it’s certainly possible to develop a good rapport with someone much younger, but you’re more likely to have more to talk about with someone who grew up in the same decade.
  • Try to find a lady who lives either in your city or one that you travel to at least monthly; it’s easier to get the kind of experience you’re looking for from someone you see often.
  • Don’t be in a rush to settle on one escort; try at least a few to see which you like best, then continue to see her regularly as mentioned above.
  • Don’t mistake your feelings of intimacy for love; though it is indeed possible to truly fall in love with a whore (my wasband Matt fell for me 15 years ago on this very day), in your case it would most likely be the result of getting intimate touch for the first time in so very long.  Appreciate your provider for what she is to you, and don’t try to turn the relationship into something it isn’t, and you may find that both you and your wife are happier.  You’ll be getting the intimacy you crave, and your wife will be relieved of the pressure of trying to provide you with something she’s no longer capable of providing.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years and I want to marry her, but I can’t shake off suspicions that she may be a call girl.  She claims not to be one, but there are just too many odd coincidences.  Do you know of any non-invasive ways to find out whether she is one or not?  Signs I should look out for?  I hate having this fear and I’m definitely not the type of guy who would want to “rescue” her from her situation.  I would much rather step out of the way if need be…but I’m actually afraid my life may be in danger…My anxiety is so bad it’s interfering with my ability to work.  Have you heard of any situations where call girls were used to distract men that were some kind of socio-political target?

If you’ve read a lot of my advice columns, you know that I don’t usually give unequivocal recommendations, but I’m going to make an exception in this case.  You say that you’d rather step out of the way if need be; I would say you do indeed need to do just that.  For whatever reason, you have absolutely no trust in your girlfriend, and if you feel this way after knowing her for five years I’m afraid you will never be able to build the trust that’s absolutely vital to making a marriage work.  Your anxiety has reached a level that, frankly, seems clinically paranoid to me; I’m not a psychologist and I don’t know what kind of work you do that would make you a “target”, but if you don’t feel safe in a sexual relationship for any reason it is time to end it for both of your good.  If you’re wrong, your concerns about her have no cause and would therefore almost certainly haunt you from now on, no matter what she does; if you’re right, she’s been lying to you for five years and that’s no basis to build a marriage on.  Either way, this relationship is not going to work, and the sooner you both move on to partners in whom you can have more trust, the better for all involved.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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For the past couple of years I’ve seen an amazing escort about once a month, and early this year she let me start contacting her via text.  This past summer, I developed deep feelings for her and began to text her frequently just to see how she was doing; I also expressed my affection via emails, cards and gifts.  Two weeks ago she cancelled a session for a reason which sounded good at the time, but I couldn’t get in touch with her for the next four days; we rescheduled, then she cancelled again five minutes before our appointment time.  We rescheduled again, and again she cancelled and has been impossible to reach since then.  I have a feeling she doesn’t want to see me anymore, but why not just tell me?  I’m hurt and angry, and I realize now that I can never have anything serious with her, but is there anything I can do to regain her trust?

Miracle of the Jealous Husband by Titian (1511)It’s not at all unusual for a client to fall in love with a whore; sometimes, as in my case, that can actually go somewhere.  But there were a lot of men who fell in love with me before Matt, and every one of my sex-working friends has had clients fall for her; it’s a natural outgrowth of a situation in which a lonely man spends a lot of time in the company of a beautiful, alluring woman who only shows him her best side.  Sometimes she’s able to manage the situation so he can continue enjoying her company and she can continue enjoying the income, but at other times the situation spins out of control; he may become obsessive and begin to stalk or harass her, and might even become violently jealous.  On rare occasions, an unstable client’s infatuation with a professional can even lead to murder.  Now, I’m sure you’re protesting that you would never hurt a woman, and maybe that’s true; however, it’s equally true that most of the whores who wind up dead didn’t think their murderers would go that far, else they wouldn’t have been caught alone with them in the first place.  The fact of the matter is, all any woman has to go on when deciding whether to be alone with a man is her gut.  And though the instincts of most sex workers eventually become far more finely-tuned than those of our less-experienced amateur sisters, there is no such thing as an infallible cognitive process.  When you started straying out of bounds, wasting the lady’s time with non-appointment-related texting and violating her professional boundaries with excessive courtship displays, her alarm bells started to go off; it’s even possible that the first couple of cancellations were tests to see how you’d react.  And how did you react?  By repeatedly calling her and trying to reschedule multiple times in a very short period of time (your email to me was dated only 16 days after the date of your first cancelled appointment).  And given that you openly admit to being “hurt and angry”, I can imagine what some of your (probably dozens of) texts or voicemails to her during that 16 days sounded like.

stalkerYou ask if there’s anything you can do to regain her trust, but there’s no way I can answer that because I’m not in her confidence and I don’t know how badly you’ve broken it.  It may be that if you let her alone for a few months before sincerely apologizing and asking for an appointment, she’ll give you another chance; most of the whores I know have “fired” clients before, and sometimes they’ve taken them back later.  Before you could violate her trust she had to grant it, and she let you overrun her boundaries for months before doing anything about it; that tells me she was reluctant to end your arrangement, and perhaps that will play in your favor.  But I’ve lived in the demimonde far too long to believe that your repeated attempts to reschedule were anything other than highly alarming, or that you’re as contrite as you represent yourself to be; it’s possible that she will never even speak to you again (much less agree to be alone with you).  Your only chance is to back off and thereby show her that you’re not a deranged stalker; that may not return you to her good graces, but it may at least keep her from adding your name to a blacklist.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Last year, my husband had a drunk night out and called several prostitutes, but claims that no actual sex ever occurred.  I have all of the numbers he called.  Is there any way I could approach these women and ask whether one of them saw my husband that night?  I feel like I’m fairly open minded, but in my book, sex outside of a marriage is cheating, period, and I just need to know.  Is this a foolish endeavor?lips sealed

Well, it’s a futile one.  It is extremely unlikely that any of the ladies will answer that question; our professional ethics forbid it.  More than anything else, what a man is paying for when he sees a professional is discretion; if it got around that a sex worker had betrayed one of her clients to his wife (or anyone else), word would quickly get around and her reputation would be sunk.  There is a small chance someone might slip and give you info that she absolutely shouldn’t, but the chance is vanishingly small; you’d probably have similar luck calling a clinic to ask if your husband had been treated there.  Even if he really did see a pro that night, please understand that it has absolutely no bearing on his feelings for you; men sometimes just think with the wrong head, and it’s our job to minimize the harm that can come from that.  And if it continues to bug you, you might consider talking to a wise friend or counsellor so as to let off the stress before it ends up hurting your marriage over something that may not even really have happened.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)


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Buying Time

With everything going on, why don’t you take a vacation from the website?  Even 1 week off might help refresh your “batteries”.  Maybe take it the week Jae comes home.

puzzle with missing pieceI’m sure the reader who sent me this question isn’t alone in thinking it, and in fact others have made similar suggestions in the past (though nobody else has proposed a whole week).  And while it’s very sweet and honestly quite touching, the fact is that I’m far too high-strung to even consider it.  It’s absolutely true that I have a lot more short commentary-type columns than I used to, and my holiday columns are now basically greeting cards, and the diaries are so easy to do I literally knocked one of them out on my smartphone while waiting for a ferry.  But the idea of actually skipping a column completely is so abhorrent to my well-ordered (by which I mean OCD) mind that on several occasions this year I actually battled exhaustion to finish by posting time, which is 3:01 AM here in Seattle.  Remember the story “Surprise“?  I wrote that after coming home from an orgy & hit “schedule” at exactly 3:00.  The only thing like a vacation I’ve had in many, many years was the day I spent with Jae in Idaho…and given that her motorcycle wreck was the very next day, that doesn’t exactly strike me as a very good omen (if I believed in omens, which I kind of do).  On top of all that, work is therapeutic for me; long-time readers know that I’ve battled depression for my entire adult life, and work I care about is one of the few things that lets me keep it under control.  Indeed, in the years while my marriage was collapsing, creating this blog was what kept me going.  Some of my friends have asked how I can manage to see clients right now, when I’m pouring so much of myself into caring for Jae; my answer is that the productive, closed-ended emotional labor of entertaining a gentleman is satisfying and restorative, because it lasts for a finite time and produces results I can clearly see, namely making someone happy.  And that helps me to balance the seemingly-unproductive, open-ended emotional labor of caring for a badly-injured partner and navigating a labyrinthine medical system.  I’ve always been a giver; it’s intrinsic to my sense of who I am and what my place is in the world.  I could no more stop giving than I could stop breathing the air, and even relaxing and letting go for short periods of time is so incredibly difficult for me that I literally can’t do it without the assistance of trusted friends.  So the idea of just skipping a day because I feel like it fills me with the sort of horror a struggling dieter might experience if locked inside the world’s best buffet.

But after I answered the reader who sent this question (a bit snarkily, I’m afraid), I started thinking.  I’ve begun to do more self-care lately not to please myself, but to placate the friends who are demanding it and to make sure I’m fit to do what I have to do for Jae.  So I could probably be induced to skip a column by a strong enough motivation, and when that thought crossed my mind I remembered this incident:

It was one of those really good calls in which one really feels a connection to the client and has a strong sense that she has made him very happy, the kind she feels he will remember for a very long time.  Somehow in the pillow talk it came up that my birthday was in a few days, and he asked how I planned to celebrate; I responded that I was still planning to work, but might go out to dinner with my business partner at the beginning of the evening.

He got that look of someone who has had a sudden thought, and asked “How much is your agency fee?”

“$100,” I replied.

“So of the $300 fee, you keep $200?”

“That’s correct.”

He then went to his wallet, pulled out $200 and gave it to me, saying, “This is so that you can turn off your phone at dinner and not have to worry about having missed a call, because I’m paying for the time.”

buying timeSo here’s what I’m thinking: if anyone out there really wants me to take a day off, he could simply purchase my time for that day.  Obviously it wouldn’t be right to charge my full rate, or even my social rate, because A) I’m not actually going to be spending the time with the donor, and B) I’m going to put up some column, even if it’s just a nice thank-you card type picture.  So let’s go with half my social rate for 24 hours:  for every $1500 donation I’ll take a day off.  Yes, I’m shameless, but y’all already knew that; I’m a whore, after all.  Now, I don’t actually expect anyone to take me up on this offer, but there it is.  And if nothing else, the question gave me something to write about.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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On Horses and Water

My all-time favorite provider lives in a slum with several family members who treat her like crap; she works for a heroin addict who runs ads for her and my ATF splits her income with this woman.  I’ve told her she doesn’t need to give this woman anything since she’s doing all the work, and I even offered to help her get a place of her own wherever she wants to live, but she avoids my suggestions.  She is absolutely the best provider I have ever been with and is stunningly beautiful; unfortunately she also suffers from bipolar disorder.  How can I help her?

horse to waterIt is a sad fact of human existence that one absolutely cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.  It doesn’t matter how miserable her life is, how badly she’s being treated by her partner or family, how much she says she wants to change her life or how attractive you think the help you’re offering is; until and unless she actually makes the decision to accept your assistance, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.  She may not find your offer as attractive as you think it is, or she may feel the price is too high; she may be wary of accepting help from a client, which very often comes with strings in which she may not wish to risk becoming entangled.  She may resent or even feel insulted by your attempts to “fix” her, and you really have no idea what her relationship with the other woman actually is; how do you know they aren’t lovers, or that your ATF doesn’t owe her either a lot of money or a deep bond of gratitude?  Even if you don’t think the relationship between them (or the one with her family) is healthy, that’s not your place to decide; every romantic relationship I’ve ever had has been called “bad” or “unhealthy” or “codependent” or even “abusive” by somebody, often (though not always) someone who wanted me for himself.  And it didn’t matter whether that opinion was objectively true or not (which it certainly was in two of the cases); until I decided those partners were bad for me, no amount of convincing, cajoling or outright bribery could convince me to leave.  And don’t forget, I’m not bipolar; mental health issues can amplify these problems by several orders of magnitude.

The short answer to your question, then, is “you can’t”.  You’re already made it clear to her that you’re willing to offer her help; when and if she decides to take either your advice or your economic aid, then you can give it to her (and you had better give it without strings unless you want her to change her mind once she sees the price tag.)  But you have to consider the possibility that the horse may never decide to drink, and if she doesn’t you have to decide how long you’re willing to wait on her before you wash your hands and walk away from the trough.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)


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