Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Q & A’ Category

There’s one question I get far more commonly than any other; I am asked this same question (with slight variations) a minimum of several times a week.  Sometimes it comes by email, sometimes phone, sometimes text, sometimes Twitter and sometimes in person.  That question is, “Can you let me know when [you do whatever thing it is the enquirer is interested in]?” and the answer is always “no”.  The questioner most often wants to know when I’ll be visiting his city, or when I’ll be releasing a new book, or something like that, but I’ve seen some unusual variations.  Obviously, these people just aren’t thinking things through; apparently they’ve gotten used to automated notifications on their computers or phones which remind them of everything from doctor’s appointments to their kids’ birthdays to when to take a crap, and they don’t stop to consider that I probably don’t have access to such software.  I don’t honestly believe it’s the same syndrome that drives the “Debate me!” narcissists, because the notice-seekers are usually friendly rather than demanding and often want to be reminded so they can spend money on me, unlike the time-wasters.  Be that as it may, the logistics are still impossible; there’s only one of me and thousands of fans, and since I can barely remember things I need to do personally without Google calendar and automated billing, the chances of my remembering to remind other people who (no offense, y’all) are not members of my immediate social circle are essentially nil.  Fortunately, I don’t need to; I announce trips and such in my weekly diary columns (which usually appear on Tuesday, and occasionally on Monday or Thursday) and Twitter, so if you follow either this blog or my Twitter feed you’ll have all the notification you need…unless I forget to post it there, of course, but if that starts happening it’ll be indicative of a much more serious problem.

Read Full Post »

I often get questions from women who are interested in becoming sex workers.  Sometimes they have specific questions, but more often they want general advice; you can find past questions like this in my Mentoring tag, or on my “Previously Asked Questions” page under “Mentoring”.  But while I was answering last week’s question I realized that I cannot in good conscience continue to advise young American women to enter full-service sex work (i.e. escorting or other forms of prostitution) at all until “sex trafficking” hysteria has imploded and the ramped-up persecution of sex workers, our clients, our loved ones and our associates has at last died down.  Every day I read stories of women being raped, beaten, humiliated, locked in cages and even murdered by cops who claim either that they’re “rescuing” us or “abating” us (like a disease).  Every day I receive communications from time-wasters and psychos, and read other ladies’ complaints of similar incidents.  Every few weeks another advertising site or escort service falls victim to a high-profile pogrom, and a constant stream of new surveillance weapons are deployed against us (and this doesn’t even count the shockingly-invasive amounts of information websites like Eros are demanding as a condition of carrying escorts’ ads).  On top of all that, I myself keep advising gentlemen to stick to contacting well-known and well-established providers, and to avoid unknowns; that’s excellent advice for them, but very bad for new ladies just getting into the business.  And while the vast majority of clients are probably unaware of my advice, it would be pretty shitty of me to help women get into the business while simultaneously warning men to avoid them.  No, I’m afraid that for the duration of the moral panic I’ll have to limit myself to helping those who’ve already crossed the Rubicon, while suggesting that those who haven’t consider taking up a branch of sex work that hasn’t been criminalized…yet.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

Read Full Post »

I’m an 18 year old virgin, barely making ends meet at my dishwashing job; I’m interested in making money with my body.  I’ve thought about stripping but I don’t think I have the body for it and I have self harm scars on my thighs; maybe porn or escorting might be another avenue to explore.  Would it be a good selling point that I’m a virgin?  How would I go about advertising that?

Since stripping and porn performing are more visual than escorting, you may be right about the latter being a better path for you than the former two.  I wouldn’t worry too much about the scars if I were you; I have some fairly noticeable scarring on my left arm, and I know a lady with pronounced Cesarean section scars, and both of us are quite popular escorts.  There are three things in your letter, however, which do concern me and you should consider them deeply before attempting to pursue sex work.

The first is your youth:  while 18 is of legal age and I’ve known some ladies (including me) who did sell sex at that age, the ongoing hysteria over “child sex trafficking” has made being so young a liability rather than an asset.  Advertising sites are going to subject you to extra scrutiny, webcrawling programs run by the government and its prohibitionist cronies will flag you for increased surveillance, and your local cops and/or the FBI may even target you for “rescue” (i.e. arrest and use as a propaganda subject) in one of their pogroms if they decide you might be underage or vulnerable.

The second is your use of the phrase “make money with my body”, which to me indicates you’ve absorbed some harmful myths about sex work.  What you’re doing now is making money with your body; unless commercial dishwashing is very different from the home variety, it doesn’t exactly require a lot of mental work.  Escorting, on the other hand, requires considerable emotional labor; creating ads, screening clients and building a brand also require a great deal of head work.  It may be that you’re up to the challenge; since I know nothing about you I can’t say.  But even some very bright people don’t really like expending the kind of mental and emotional energy necessary to succeed as an escort, especially in these times of vanishing advertising sites and increased screening difficulty.

The third is your virginity.  You didn’t say where you live, but your spelling and word use seem American to me.  So unless you’re planning to go abroad, the only way to openly sell your virginity without bringing down hordes of authoritarians attempting to “save” you from a sensible decision (because you’re supposed to give your virginity for free to some stupid, penniless boy who may inflict an STI or worse, a pregnancy, on you) is to make a deal with a Nevada brothel to market that, and they’ll take 50%.  Furthermore, none of the high-profile virginity sales of the past few years have gone well, which rather makes skeptical of the whole concept in the 21st century (though it worked well in the 19th and early 20th).  Furthermore, I don’t think it’s an especially good idea for a young woman who doesn’t even know how she’s going to feel about sex with men to try to make a living at it from square one.

My advice to you is this:  get a bit of sexual experience under your belt (no pun intended) before considering any kind of in-person sex work.  Try doing phone sex (there are some services such as Niteflirt which are quite popular) and see if you like that, then maybe move onto camming.  Do some research and talk to sex workers, and then after you’ve been doing the not-in-person stuff for a while you can try dipping into escorting if you still want to.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

Read Full Post »

I had to find a new job and apartment, and in the ensuing chaos I was late and cheap on the last appointments with my regular girl, and I feel like I didn’t treat her very well.  She’s at a new escort agency now, and now that things have settled down at my end, I’d like to try a fresh start, and see if I can maintain a proper regular worker/client relationship, but I don’t know if she would be okay with that or would prefer I simply never see her again.

Unless your lady has indicated clearly to you that she’s angry and doesn’t want to see you any more (and most of us will make that pretty clear), it doesn’t hurt to ask her for another appointment.  The worst she can do is say “no”.  And if she doesn’t, make absolutely sure that you do not run late for your next several appointments; tell her how sorry you are that you were flaky and didn’t treat her as she deserves to be treated, and give her both a nice tip and a gift for your next few sessions.  I think it’s very likely she’ll forgive you.  But if she doesn’t return your calls or emails, or makes excuses to not book appointments with you, you need to accept that she would prefer not to see you again.  In that case, move on, learn from your mistakes, and be sure to be an exemplary client to the other ladies you see from now on.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

Read Full Post »

I’m a trans woman who’s over 50 and working as a white collar professional.  It seems like every guy I meet sees me only as a sex object and nothing else, even though I don’t try to project anything like that; how can I meet people for relationships that don’t seem fetish-focused?  And also, since I seem to attract that anyway, I’ve been thinking about doing a little sex work on the side; I’ve done some photography modeling and have been successful with that (no income, but well received).  However, I’m really turned off by the kink I seem to attract most.  What should I do?

Unfortunately, I’m afraid that having to deal with men who are only interested in us for sexual reasons is a problem all women, cis or trans, have to deal with, especially when we’re older.  Guys are to a very large degree led by their sex drives, and that means women tend to attract men who are interested in whatever sets them apart from other women.  So slender girls tend to attract guys who are really weight-focused, redheads attract guys who are drawn to that, and trans women attract trans fans.  That’s not generally a problem when the woman is in her 20s because there are still plenty of fish in the sea, but when we get to our 50s a lot of the guys have died off (males have a higher mortality rate in every age bracket), and the great majority of the ones who are still alive are already taken.  That leaves men who are divorced, still married or never married, and since there are more available women at that age than men…you get the picture.  You can certainly try the usual dating sites and such, but I strongly suspect a lot of the men who try to date you will still be focused on your trans status (unless they can’t tell, in which case I advise saying nothing; it’s no more their business than any other medical issue like an abortion or an appendectomy).

As for your second question, since you’re comfortable with modeling and already had a bit of noncommercial success, I suggest investigating how you can monetize it.  If you don’t really like the kind of guys who seem to be attracted to your image, that’s not nearly as big a deal in modeling as it would be in something like escorting or camming, because you’re not directly interacting with them except to sell your pictures.  And even if you can’t hide your distaste for them in a one-on-one situation, it shouldn’t be any harder to negotiate poses & payment than it is to deal with annoying folks in the office where you currently work.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

Read Full Post »

I am a mid level ($250/hr) escort in a large US city and have been in the business for a dozen or more years, and I’ve never seen so many clients assume they can have sex without a condom.  It used to be if they even asked for bareback I wouldn’t even see them; now that request is more than half the people I speak with, and a good percentage think they can just hop on bareback without even asking.  Is it because I am older?  One guy said he assumed I would be OK with it because I can’t get pregnant (which isn’t even correct).  Haven’t these idiots heard of STIs?  Also, what is the definition of GFE?  A good portion of men now seem think it means BBFS.  That has never been my definition of those letters.

It’s not because you’re older; it’s because of the government’s war on us.  The increase in stings and persecution of clients has made some guys either stop seeing escorts for a while, or stick with girls they already know and trust, or turn to higher-priced girls with a bigger web presence.  That means a lot of the semi-pros and low-priced full-timers don’t get the business they did only a few years ago, and some of them have (understandably) become more desperate because of that.  Some are lowering prices, others are relaxing screening, and some are doing bareback to catch the foolish guys others are turning away.  Also, with the demise of Backpage, a lot of the budget providers who advertised there don’t know where to turn & can’t afford more expensive ad sites like Eros or Slixa; a lot of the guys who were able to find “anything goes” semi-pros on Backpage are also flooding into other ad sites & they don’t know the rules.  So the whole market is in chaos, and mid-range providers like you are forced to deal with stupid yo-yos who think “STI” is a government agency.

I’ve been in the business since the ‘90s, and I can state categorically that GFE does not and never has meant “bareback”; it has always meant a style that’s more relaxed & friendly, with conversation, kissing & cuddling.  In fact, I remember arguing on hooker boards around 2010 with guys who were trying to claim it meant some checklist of activities (which it doesn’t & never has), but even then everyone understood it did not mean bareback.  I’m not sure where the idea that it does came from, but this is the second time recently I’ve heard this; the other was on Twitter, where someone quoted from an idiot cop’s claim to a court that GFE and PSE both mean “bareback”.  My only guess is that over the past decade some group of really dumb hobbyists, probably on a “bros before hos” site like TER, intentionally decided to try to shift the meaning of GFE (because they’re stupid and think with the wrong head), and now that their site has been shut down due to FOSTA they’re spilling out into the general community and can only be stopped from their filthy habits by scrupulous professionals like us. 

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

Read Full Post »

Many people have used Craigslist to find a “causal encounter”, and some of them got lured into police sting operations.  I’m trying to determine what fraction of the stuff that used to be posted to that section (before Craigslist closed it a few months ago) was real, and what percentage prostitution (as opposed to a real, no strings attached encounter).

All sexual encounters which actually happen are as “real” as one another; being paid for sex does not magically make the ensuing sex imaginary.  Lots of people used Craigslist to advertise seeking or offering sex, and they had a plethora of different motivations; it’s a prohibitionist mentality to pretend that a pragmatic motivation for sex draws a bright, clear line between that sex and other sex.  You seem to want to exploit that imaginary difference to argue that cops stalking and victimizing people for sex in which no currency is directly exchanged is somehow different and worse than them stalking people who make a clear and honest exchange.  I can’t help you with that, and I wouldn’t if I could; the only assistance I can offer is to tell you that most scams only work on those with “larceny in their hearts”, i.e. those trying to get something for nothing.  Men seeking sex would be wise to stop trolling around trying to get it for “free” (the most expensive kind) or cheap, do their research, and deal only with known providers with established reputations.  Furthermore, the idea that sex work can be dependably differentiated from what you call “real sex” is not only wrong philosophically, but also practically; because sex work is only distinguished by its motivation, any procedure intended to ensnare sex workers and/or clients will also ensnare lots of other people.  The only way to ensure that no amateurs are caught up in prostitution stings is to do away with prostitution stings, and the only way to do that is to completely decriminalize all forms of sex work.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »