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Archive for the ‘Q & A’ Category

About 15 minutes after leaving a great appointment with a touring escort I realized I had left my cell phone in her room.  I went back to retrieve it and knocked on the door; she was talking with another client, but quickly looked around and couldn’t find it.  Later I texted her to see if she found it before leaving the hotel, and I haven’t heard back.  I’d like to see her again, and I’m wondering if I crossed any lines of etiquette that might give her second thoughts about seeing me again.

approach patternYou bet you did, and how.   It is never, repeat never (and I do mean never) permissible for a client to invade an escort’s space when she isn’t expecting him.  Don’t knock on her door, stick a note in her mailbox to say you forgot her number, drive by to see if she’s home or intentionally go someplace you know she’s going to be; unless you’ve got an appointment with her, don’t approach her in any way other than the ones she has indicated are OK for unexpected contact (phone, text, email or whatever).  And if you do have an appointment with her, don’t show up early and malinger in the parking lot, or loiter outside checking your messages after you’ve left, or return 15 minutes later because you forgot something.  You pay her for a certain block of time, and to forcibly occupy other time she has not agreed to sell you is rude at best and threatening at worst.

But that’s not the only issue here, because despite the well-known disclaimer sex workers are indeed selling you something other than time and companionship; we are selling discretion.  Would you want another client knocking on the door while you’re still there, or hanging around outside to watch you leave and note your license plate number?  Naaah, I didn’t think so.  And other gents don’t want you doing it to them, either.  Furthermore, do you really want to know how soon your appointment was after the one before you, or how soon the next one is after you?  Even if that’s your kink, you don’t have the right to draft another client to participate in it without his consent.  An escort’s scheduling practices are nobody’s business but hers; she may choose to space her appointments out or to schedule them very tightly, and when she’s on tour the latter is much more likely than the former.  Sure, it’s unlikely that she’s got them only fifteen minutes apart, but what if she does?  Or in your case, what if the next client was scheduled only half an hour behind you, and his time management was just as loosey-goosey as yours but in the opposite direction so he was arriving fifteen minutes early?  Awkward, that, and possibly damaging to her business.

What you should’ve done was to immediately call or text her by whatever means you used to text her later; if you didn’t have that phone and/or her number with you, it would’ve been better just to wait until you did.  I’m guessing that the phone you misplaced was a disposable “burner”, and the one you texted her from later was your normal one; if that’s the case, it was not really pressing that you recover it immediately. But even if it was your primary phone and you absolutely needed it, your needs don’t trump hers; discretion and courtesy both demand you always ask permission before approaching an incall, and refrain from doing so until that permission is granted.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Jae Q & A

cycle - EditedUnderstandably, people are asking all sorts of questions about Jae and the situation; I’ve decided to answer those I can.  Note that these answers reflect the information I have right now, and are therefore subject to change.

How did she wreck?

There were no witnesses, and people who are knocked unconscious in accidents are often unable to remember the accident itself afterward.  So we may never know what actually happened.  However, the state trooper who filed the report noted that she went off the inside of a curve, not the outside; she therefore did not lose control due to speed, and it seems likely that if she had been going excessively fast she would have been killed.  The theory we’re working with now is that some sudden event, like a deer or elk running out in front of her, caused her to swerve and wreck.

Where is she now?

In order to maintain her privacy, I’m not going to disclose the city or even the state.  It suffices to say that I’m a full day’s drive from Seattle.

How long will it take her to recover?

There’s no way of knowing that.  Yesterday she awakened several times, but only for about a minute each time; she was able to follow simple commands and seemed to recognize me, but was highly agitated, frightened and disoriented.  It seems likely that it will be weeks before she can be moved out of the ICU, and it could be much longer than that before she’s cleared to return to Seattle.  Full recovery could take years.

Can I come to visit?

The hospital’s rules do not allow unconscious ICU patients to receive any visitors other than partners and immediate family.  Until she is awake and can provide a list of who she would like to visit her, nobody other than her brother and I will be allowed in.  And honestly, you wouldn’t be able to do much visiting anyway because she isn’t conscious.

What’s a good time for me to call you to ask about her?

Though I very much appreciate everyone’s concern for our beloved Jae, I am only one woman and the sheer volume of calls and texts I’ve been receiving is overwhelming.  Dealing with the hospital staff, taking care of Jae and handling logistical issues take a surprising amount of time, and I’ve only barely been able to keep up with my work the past few days; even a few calls and texts beyond those I absolutely need to receive are just too much for me right now.  So please, if you want an update contact Mistress Matisse or Savannah Sly; I am keeping them fully apprised of all developments as they occur, so they’ll be able to tell you what’s going on as well as I could.  I’m also going to share the latest news via my blog and Twitter, and Matisse suggested I supplement that with a daily (or nearly so) Periscope broadcast; I’m going to try to start that tomorrow.

What can I do to help?

Frankly, the thing we need most right now is money.  Our amazing circle of friends, including (but by no means limited to) Matisse, Savannah and Abby May, has been the best ground crew I could hope for, and if they need anyone else’s help I’m sure they’ll ask.  But while I’m here I can’t work, and even after our return to Seattle there’s no way that Jae will be doing anything remunerative for a very, very long time.  So far everyone’s been astonishingly generous, but the need for support isn’t going to end in the next few days; the more we can collect, the better.  You can PayPal money directly to me if you like, but we’ve setup a GoFundMe page for Jae that will make that even easier (and will allow us to post updates as well).  Please be as generous as you can, and spread the word via social media.  Recovering from a serious accident can be an arduous and depressing ordeal, and I think the incredible outpouring of love and support Jae has received will help her not just financially, but emotionally; it will be very inspiring to her to see how many people love her and want her to be well.

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I just don’t get why an intelligent girl with a good family and  boyfriend would start to sell her body.  She was so honest and let me look for a few seconds into her soul, and I saw who she is and I don’t think she wants this.  I want to help her, but to her I was just another bad guy who paid for that and don’t deserve her respect.  I want to understand why is she doing this.

The Shadow 2-15-38Sell her body“?  Do you mean she started doing sex work?  You mean she chose an extremely lucrative job with shorter hours than most, extreme flexibility and no boss?  Sounds pretty damned intelligent to me; in fact, it’s the career I chose as well, and I’m generally considered to be reasonably intelligent.  Now, if you meant something more literal, like selling blood or eggs or some other part of her body, I stand corrected; however, something tells me that you just mean she became a whore.  She chose one job over the other options available to her, for the same sorts of pragmatic reasons anyone chooses his or her job over the others available at the time.

You say she “let you for a few seconds into her soul”; I’m not sure what sort of mystical or pharmaceutical process was involved there, but I can assure you that unless you are The Shadow or Dr. Strange or something, I sincerely doubt it was her soul you saw.  To be honest, it sounds to me what you were seeing was the constellation of your own needs you projected onto her.  You seem to have some sort of guilt (“I was another bad guy who paid for that”) about a simple business transaction, and you appear to load sex down with all sorts of Deep Meaning and metaphysical weight that it simply does not have, except in the minds of people conditioned from an early age to believe a load of rubbish about how something even dogs and chickens engage in is somehow a “sacrament” when highfalutin’ monkeys with notions do it.

You’re probably thinking about now that I’m an incredible bitch, and that I’m being very mean to you.  On the contrary; I’m doing you the great favor of trying to wake you up to the fact that sex is nothing more than a biological activity, and that the only “meaning” and “sacredness” it has is that which we choose to invest in it.  Eating can be a rich and wonderful bonding experience and the center of powerful rituals…or it can be a mundane thing one does because one is hungry.  And nobody pretends that the latter somehow “violates” or “degrades” the former, nor that there’s anything wrong with cooking or serving food for pay.  Nobody would say a waitress is “selling herself”, or pretend that a diner is “bad” for buying a hamburger.  And nobody, but nobody would pretend that there is some deep psychological motive behind a cook working as a cook, nor state that he could tell in a few seconds that said cook “really didn’t want to do this”.  Sex work is work, nothing more or less, and sex workers have the same range and complexity of feelings about it as other people have about their jobs.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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I asked a close friend who isn’t a sex worker to be my safe call.  Initially she agreed, but now suddenly she said she doesn’t want to hear about it, because she disapproves of my work and does not want to support it in any way.  There’s no one else I trust enough, so I’m hurt and feeling let down by my friend.  We’ve always been honest with and accepting of one another before, so why is this different?

medieval torture devicesStigma is an awful thing; it tempts otherwise-good people to shun or mistreat the stigmatized individual, encourages the weak-minded to view her as subhuman, and provides an excuse for evil people to harm or even kill her.  Perhaps at some point in our evolutionary history, “othering” fulfilled some useful function by allowing a band of proto-humans to exile or kill an individual who somehow imperiled the others’ survival, but nowadays the capacity for disconnecting one’s empathy and seeing another as a thing rather than as a brother or sister human is a dangerous atavism exploited by rulers as a tool for persecution of despised minorities.  Once the hatemongers succeed in convincing the masses that some real or imaginary group – Jews, aboriginal people, black people, the mentally ill, immigrants, homosexuals, “addicts”, “witches”, sex workers, clients, “sex offenders”, etc – is a threat to Our Treasured Way of Life, the majority will support denying members of that group even the most elementary level of decent treatment.  Though we all carry this nasty ability to dehumanize other humans in our brains, it’s far nearer the surface in some individuals; they’re the ones who can always be counted on to turn in their neighbors and family members to the secret police or Inquisition.  I don’t think they’re necessarily bad people; they’re just extremely susceptible to suggestions that some individuals need to be ostracized or even “punished”, personal affection notwithstanding.

I suspect your friend may be one of those individuals; she has bought in to the lie that compensated sex is a Great Social Evil that Must Be Stopped (for the children!), and your willing participation in it marks you as a Them who doesn’t deserve to be treated with the basic consideration one gives one’s friends.  She may believe that she’s demonstrating “tough love” by denying you safety, in the hopes that you’ll be scared out of what she views as unhealthy or “bad” behavior (despite the fact that you aren’t her minor child); if you get killed it’ll serve you right and teach your ghost a lesson, by golly!

Obviously, you can’t trust this friend to help you; I think you have every right to feel hurt and let down, and I wouldn’t blame you if you decided her friendship was insincere.  But while you’re wrestling with that question (and believe me, I don’t envy you the struggle), you still have the practical concern of finding someone to monitor you while in session with clients.  Are you friendly with any sex workers online?  With modern technology there’s no real need for the two of you to be in the same city; after all, she wouldn’t go to investigate in person if you failed to call in, now would she?  A lady in the UK, US, Australia or any other place could call for help just as easily as one in your own country, provided she was supplied with whatever emergency numbers you feel necessary.  And you could even perform the same service for her in return.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Dating Game

I recently went on a civilian date, and after some thought decided to tell the guy that I’m a sex worker.  He seemed OK with it, but when we parted he said he had to ask his primary girlfriend how she felt before deciding whether to go out with me again.  I told him I didn’t think it was cool for him to out me to his girlfriend; since they’re polyamorous anyway, she’s already agreed to his seeing other people and I can’t see how my profession should make any difference.

date black & whiteI personally have never dated men socially while actively whoring; the one exception was Matt, and he started as a client.  So my answer is drawn from my sense of ethics rather than from my personal experience.  In general, it seems to me that the proper schedule for telling a new relationship about anything controversial or potentially problematic would be the third date.  I think the first date is just a bit too soon; if there’s no chemistry you probably won’t make it to the third date, and then there was no point in telling him about it.  But if you wait much longer than the third date, it could be much more uncomfortable or even painful for both of you if the outcome isn’t good.  I do realize that most people ask, “What do you do for a living?” within the first ten minutes of the first date (if not earlier), but I think you’re justified in bending the truth a bit so as to avoid the subject until a better time.

Regarding the second part of your situation, though, I think your judgment is exactly correct.  If his girlfriend is all right with his dating amateurs, there’s no reason it should matter if he dates a professional; as we both know, the chance of STI exposure is far less with a whore, and I think it’s not too far a stretch to say that we are also more likely than even most polyamorists to treat the issue of multiple partners with good sense and maturity.  Simply put, it’s none of his other girlfriend’s business what you do for a living, and if he insists on telling her despite your request to the contrary it could be an excuse to refuse a second date without having to admit his own anti-whore bigotry, a sign that he isn’t nearly as polyamorous as he pretends, or both.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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I want to start escorting as an independent… but as you know, it can be hard to get the ball rolling if you’re new in the industry.  Should I advertise myself on TER boards as a new escort?  I’m worried that advertising myself as “new” will attract who will want to take advantage of my lack of experience.  Also, I saw another post on your blog where a certain escort preferred not to have any reviews.  If an escort chooses to go down that route, what other types of verification are available to show clients you are reliable and trustworthy?

Frankly, I wouldn’t advise you to advertise on TER at all; I never have, don’t now and never plan to.  The site is just vile; it’s the apotheosis of the “bros before hos” mentality, and its rating system is insultingly reductive.  There are plenty of other sites you can advertise on without supporting that model of review board.  I don’t think it will hurt you to advertise as new, but I don’t really think it’s necessary either; it will be obvious that you’re new because of your lack of reviews and the fact that none of the “hobbyists” have seen you before.  That in itself can be a draw, especially if you’re young and your prices are competitive; yes, you may attract some exploitative types, but since you know that may happen you’ll just have to keep your wits about you and firmly maintain your boundaries until you’re experienced enough to judge each client on a case-by-case basis.  Re lack of reviews, there is no substitute for reputation; you will not yet have one to start, and that will hurt.  Even without reviews you’ll slowly build up a client base and a reputation, but it may take longer in their absence.  It may be better for you to research the boards with a more positive culture than to eschew reviews entirely, but in the end you’ll have to make that decision for yourself.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Mixed Signals

I met a woman through a mutual friend and though I was very attracted to her, she had a boyfriend so I respectfully didn’t pursue anything.  Then we became friends via Facebook and began texting each other; I began flirting with her and she responded positively.  We started kissing and began to have lunches together, and though my feelings for her began to grow she told me that we could only be friends.  I broke off our relationship several times and asked her to not to contact me anymore, but she still contacted me after a week or two and the cycle began would begin again.  Eventually I decided to break it off permanently, and she said goodbye and got married to the man she was with.  But since then I’ve often wondered what she really wanted from me.

mixed signalsI think she wanted exactly what she got from you until you broke it off:  a guy who would pay attention to her and make her feel attractive, but who could still be kept in the “friend zone”.  Now, a lot of women strongly dislike that concept, and for the most part I agree with them; the idea that friendship is somehow incomplete in comparison with a sexual relationship is really rather odious.  But given that she was actively pursuing you and doling out just enough sex (the kissing) to keep you interested, I think the “friend zone” concept applies.  I used to know a girl like that; she actively pursued a mutual male friend, used sex to keep him interested, and then refused him the closer connection he obviously craved.  If he hadn’t broken it off she would’ve kept monopolizing his affections for as long as it suited her.  I think your friend was much the same:  if you hadn’t broken it off she just would’ve kept stringing you along, possibly even after she was married.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a woman wanting a friendship with a man rather than a sexual relationship, but sending mixed signals isn’t fair to anyone.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

 

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