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Diary #347

Theselfiecamera_2017-02-16-20-36-12-233 days are getting longer and warmer already; I’m not turning my lamp on until 5 PM now, and a couple of days ago I took the second blanket off of my bed after several episodes of waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat.  I’m able to wear lighter clothes with a coat as long as I know I’m going someplace warm, and at least this isn’t New Orleans where the end of freezing cold weather means the arrival of oppressively hot weather; in Seattle, it’ll still be cool until June unless we get another crazy heat wave like we did last April.  And of course, in just a few weeks we’ll be subjected to the idiotic annual ritual in which we all agree to lie about what time it is for the next eight months.  What all this means is that, while my friends with Seasonal Affective Disorder are beginning to get some relief, I’m heading into the dreadful days where my pineal gland starts engaging in the neurochemical equivalent of running around the house, turning on all the lights and cranking up the stereo full-blast while screaming obscenities, scattering its clothes all over the floor, losing the car keys, making an unholy mess in the kitchen and refusing to do its homework.  And that in turn means I’ll need to become much more assiduous in my rotation of sleep-inducing drugs again; in the winter I’ve been able to be kind of lazy about it, but now I’ll need to up the doses and mind that I don’t get too resistant to any one thing for it to be useful any more.  Such is the life of a neuro-atypical person, or at least the part of it I can discuss in polite company without giving anyone the vapors or causing nightmares which will ruin their sleep.

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My postlady brought me all sorts of lovely things this week; first and foremost among them was a package containing Chester Brown’s beautiful cover art for my new book, The Forms of Things Unknown.  By the time you read this I should have hired a digital artist to do the color and layout, and after that it won’t be long before I start putting the book together!  Other packages, from a new reader who prefers to remain anonymous, contained a book about Doctor Who, a complete collection of Leonard Cohen’s studio albums, a big bag of licorice candy and this rather stunning dress, which I’ve already worn for an appointment with a very lovely couple!  I also got a good bit of self-care in last week, caught up on my writing, completed another step in my secret project and got a good bit of paying work in, so all in all it was a very productive week (despite Seattle being largely at a standstill a week ago Monday due to overnight snow).  This week: more selfcare, more work and more playing catch-up, and speaking of paying work you only have 12 more days to take advantage of my two-librarian special with Lorelei Rivers!  Seriously, gents, this is not an opportunity to miss; we will shush you like you’ve never been shushed in your entire life!  For details, email me at my work address.  And don’t be overdue!selfiecamera_2017-02-13-17-48-47-408

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Diary #345

selfiecamera_2017-01-02-21-17-09-307Last week was another extremely busy one; much of it was devoted to a SOOPER SEEKRIT project that I can’t tell you about yet, but which seems to be moving along pretty quickly.  That’s a really good thing because I find that whenever I’m going the way the gods want me to go, things tend to be easy and fall right into place; if I’m going the wrong way, however, they’re nearly impossible.  Scoff if you like, but this is my experience of five decades, and I never told you that I was 100% rational.  But beside the big project, there were a few other high points of last week:  Matt visited me for a few hours on his way through Seattle, and Lorelei and I got to resume our normal Doctor Who date (and if you would like a date with both of us, that can be arranged), and I was able to crack a baking problem I’ve been working on for a couple of months.  So all in all, a very good week, and I hope this one is even better!

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Diary #344

Asselfiecamera_2017-01-30-20-23-03-087 I explained on Thursday, my trip got more difficult after I left northern New Mexico on Tuesday.  But I made it home safely (if exhausted) Wednesday night and hit the ground running on Thursday; I’ve had a full calendar since then, which is a very good thing even if it did slow my writing catch-up.  But I’m back to three columns ahead, and by this time next week I hope to have it back to five.  I’ve also received Chester Brown’s art for the cover of The Forms of Things Unknown and as soon as it’s colored and the blurbs are in place, I’ll be ready to compile the book and start the proofing process.  Another thing I received by post recently was this lovely red dress from my Amazon wishlist, courtesy of a reader named Michael; if you send me another one (there are several on the list) I’ll post the pictures in an upcoming diary.  Oh, and if you prefer to give me money in exchange for services, I should probably point out that Lorelei Rivers and I are doing a two-librarian special for the entire month of February.  If you’re in a position to take advantage of that, email me for details; we promise you an unforgettable experience!

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Asselfiecamera_2017-01-23-09-44-53-758 I told you Tuesday, I’ve let myself get very behind on my blogging during this trip, and the past two days did nothing to help that situation.  In fact, they made it worse!  On Tuesday night I was planning to stay in Ogden, Utah, just north of Salt Lake City, but as I was driving west on I-80 in western Wyoming there was an unpredicted snowstorm and I hit a snowdrift which decided to suddenly jump out in front of my car.  Neither I nor the car was damaged in any way, but I couldn’t get traction to get out of the snowbank and by the time AAA arrived to pull me out I was in no mood to drive any further that night.  So I switched my reservation to the nearest town and then checked in and finished yesterday’s freaking news column (just in case you ever doubted my dedication).  However, that meant two extra hours of driving yesterday, plus an extra half-hour due to the lingering bad road conditions from the snowstorm the night before.  Then the horrendous weather in Oregon added another hour…all of which means as I type this it has only been about 90 minutes since I got home from driving for fourteen and a half hours straight, the last six and a half of it in very stress-inducing weather.  My ears are ringing from engine & road noises & I don’t know if any of you get this weird kind of mental buzz from driving very long stretches, but I do.  And for some reason the Traveling Wilburys’ song “The End of the Line” keeps going through my head.  I have a very full calendar for the next few days, so I’ve taken double my usual dose of nighty-night edibles so I can go to sleep and reset my brain by tomorrow morning.  And that’s why you’re getting a sort of diary column again today; I hope you don’t mind.  I’ve included a selfie I took literally before getting out of bed Monday to soften the blow.  It’s a lot more flattering than the one I took in very bad light while waiting for the tow truck.

However, I do have a question:  Oregon people, is the guy in charge of programming your electronic road signs habitually confused or something?  There was a sign announcing “dense fog, low visibility” over a hundred miles east (measured by road) of where the fog actually was, but no sign at the fog’s real location.  The fog sign was at the beginning of a snowstorm, and though the visibility was indeed quite limited that doesn’t make it fog.  Also, there was a sign announcing “severe icy conditions in the area” to warn of a snowdrift in the left lane which was marked off by traffic cones while a crew worked to remove it.  And while I suppose that does indeed constitute “severe icy conditions”, usually the phrase “in the area” implies a geographic entity larger than five square meters or so.  It’s almost as weird as New Mexico’s oddly philosophical warning signs that say “high winds may exist” and “rocks may exist”.  OK, New Mexico, I appreciate your efforts to inspire drivers to question the nature of reality, but generally speaking highway signs aren’t a proper venue for that.  I think for purely everyday purposes, it’s safe to say that both rocks and high winds do indeed exist in many parts of the universe.  Changing your signs to simply read, “Beware of Rocks” or “Caution: Intermittent High Winds” would probably get your meaning across more effectively than framing the existence of hazardous natural phenomena as though it were a resolution for a debate in a Philosophy 101 class.

See?  I can still be entertaining even when I’m exhausted.  And I’m not even stoned yet.

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Diary #343

Theselfiecamera_2017-01-21-20-56-41-857 bad news:  I’m finding it a lot more difficult these days to keep up with my blogging while on the road.  The good news:  That’s mostly because I’m learning to relax a little and enjoy myself more while I am on the road.  Though my trips are mostly for business and activism, they also contain plenty of socializing; in the week since my last diary I’ve visited friends in Las Vegas, Tucson and Albuquerque, and today I’ll be headed back to Seattle by way of Salt Lake City.  And the reason I’ve had so much trouble keeping up with my blog of late is that I’ve spent large parts of 13 of the last 18 days hanging out & having fun with beautiful, awesome whores.  So yeah, I’ll have to scramble to catch up when I get home (tomorrow night, gods willing).  But I think it was worth it, and I suspect everyone who loves me will agree.

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Diary #342

selfiecamera_2017-01-14-12-13-03-704The big snowstorm in Portland delayed my departure by a day, but fortunately I was able to reschedule my Friday appointments in San Francisco for Saturday.  Though I shouldn’t have been, I was rather surprised to discover that a hothouse flower from New Orleans who never drove in snow until after her 36th birthday was still able to do it better than the majority of Portlanders; most of them seemed unable to grasp basic concepts like “driving in the rougher lane or in the tracks left by others will result in better traction”.  But in spite of it I had a lovely dinner with a young sex worker who is starting to become interested in activism, then had a long but uneventful drive down to San Francisco on Friday and lots of fun in San Francisco on Saturday (y’all know who you are!)  On Sunday I continued on to Los Angeles and spent two days with a friend who in turn introduced me to many of her friends; sometime today I’ll be moving on to Las Vegas, so if you’d like to see me there I still have availability for ONE gentleman tomorrow.  I also have time for ONE gentleman in Albuquerque on Monday, but other than that I’m afraid I’m booked solid.  If you missed me, please try to book early next time!  Anyhow, a week from today I plan to start for home by way of Salt Lake City, and if the weather cooperates I’ll be home a week from tomorrow.  Though I don’t like to tour often, it always seems to give me new energy; in fact, things are already looking up for February!  But as usual, you’ll have to wait to see what that means (except for my book, which should be out in the next few weeks).

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