One of my readers is a long-time client of whores who’s very incensed by the prohibitionists’ demonization of men like him; he therefore wanted to write about the various ladies he’s seen, and I decided to give him a place to share that.
About a year after my wife’s menopause and plummeting libido ended all sexual activity in my marriage I started seeking sex workers. A professional sex worker was a better solution than an affair; I love my wife and don’t blame her for what happened to her body and her feelings, plus I felt it was safer and saner to see pros than to risk entanglements with amateurs. I don’t really crave variety, so I like to find one sex worker I like and continue seeing her until she leaves the business. The following is a description of all the ladies I’ve loved and learned from.
My first was Kate, a single mom in her 40s with a well-paying job in health care administration. But she wanted to send her son to a very exclusive prep school, so she set up a website and began escorting. Her minimum date was 4 hours, and she was by far the best GFE I have ever encountered. Kate was well educated, extremely smart, and very determined; she and I had many long discussions over the years, on a wide range of topics. Eventually her son graduated from the prep school and attended an Ivy League college, majoring in the same branch of science I work in; Kate introduced us and I mentored him, using my connections to make sure he got interviews and opportunities. Once her son was established in his career, Kate married one of her wealthier clients and retired from escorting; she still works in her health care profession and manages a busy social calendar heavy on organizing charitable events. We stay in contact and I count her as a friend. After Kate I met Mary, whose day job was in the insurance industry; she wanted the income from escorting to help her establish herself in real estate. She owned a number of properties, and the escorting income let her make repairs and improvements or pay the mortgages when there were extended vacancies. I saw Mary for 9 years, by which time her investments had paid off to the point where she no longer needed to escort; she then moved to another city to be closer to her children and grandchildren. We remain in contact and still see each other once in a while.
After Mary, I went through a period where I had more than one regular, because the ladies I liked were difficult to schedule with. One of them was Ami; she was a whip-smart IT professional and a marathon runner, and she just escorted because it was a turn-on to her. She didn’t really need the money and was extremely low-volume; in fact, she would only see me when we could schedule it around her busy work and training schedule. But because her motivation was sexual, she lost interest after menopause; we still meet for coffee from time to time. Another was Jane, who lived in another city that I visited several times a year for business; we didn’t discuss her work, income or motivations, but I believe her total income was several times mine (and I consider myself well paid). Jane was well-connected in the escort world, so whenever we couldn’t get our schedules to sync up she would connect me with low-volume UTR escorts (mostly part-timers)that she knew. I never really enjoyed those experiences as much as I did my time with Jane or Ami, though; I just didn’t have a connection with any of them as I did with my regular ladies. About four years ago it became much more difficult to get in touch with Jane, so I assume she retired; she’s the only one of my regular ladies I’m out of contact with, and I wish it were otherwise. After Jane I met Candy, a full-time sex worker supporting two children (one with special needs); one of her other clients recently proposed, though, so she has told me she will be retiring soon.
I feel enriched by my experiences with these wonderful women; I’ve learned valuable things about myself and about life that I never would have known otherwise. None of these women would stand for being labeled “exploited”; all were fiercely independent and proud to be living life on their own terms, using their intelligence and understanding of men to improve their lives. In over 20 years of seeing sex workers, I’ve never met or heard of a pimp; none of them had ever experienced any violence except at the hands of the police, and the only drugs involved were prescriptions for our aging bodies. I think any of them would have bitch-slapped anyone who tried to ”protect” or “save” her. The control freaks who want to dictate what I and a consenting adult woman can do in her bedroom like to pretend that clients view sex workers as “toilets” or “collections of orifices”, but my experience is completely opposite: Their professional services and care help me in countless ways. I’m happier, less stressed, and more focused when I can have satisfying sex every week or two; I am more productive at work, sleep better, and am more engaged with my friends and family. In fact, I’m quite certain that my marriage was saved by my decision to seek the services of sex workers; when I’m celibate my judgement becomes impaired and my sexual fantasies and dreams become distorted to the point of being disturbing. Without sex workers I almost certainly would have started an affair, made inappropriate advances, or filed for divorce to get official permission to seek partners for sex. Long-term marriage is an economic institution, and my wife and I are healthier, happier, and wealthier than any of our siblings precisely because we remain married while they divorced. I’m grateful to the sex workers I’ve known for their part in that outcome, and they have continued to enrich my life long after the financial and sexual relationship has ended.
Hello, Maggie. Im also a client and I’d like to share my testimony. Could I write u a post so u can publish it in ur blog?
Im sure u already know my blog, as far as I know the only one in spanish language written by a client about this topic with a minimum rigor:
http://barriorojo-esl.blogspot.com
Maggie, Great article. Thank you.
I’m curious–did his wife know? It’s not stated in his recitation. And every situation is different. That is, I am sure some wives know and don’t like the their husband seeks sex workers, for whatever reason; some wives don’t know and trust their husband; some wives do know and don’t care; some wives do know and don’t ask and he doesn’t tell–and they trust their husband; some wives wonder and don’t ask, but do care and have some anguish about that; and vice versa; and so on.
So actually, I’m more curious about the fact that I wondered, and that that was what I wrote about, rather than commenting on the focus of the article, which is the experience the writer has had.
But, also, corollarily speaking, that speaks volumes. If we were ever in our society where we got to the point where sex work was completely decriminalized, stories like this would be commonplace. And commonly accepted.
Which is why I’m supporting ESPLERP’s law suit.
“If we were ever in our society where we got to the point where sex work was completely decriminalized, stories like this would be commonplace.”
I suspect that the stories are already commonplace; only the telling is rare. That may not change with decriminalization; these are intensely personal matters. What happens between consenting adults is literally no ones business but theirs, no matter what the financial arrangement.
The tale needs telling today to refute the lies of prohibitionists and control freaks. Once sex work is decriminalized, there will be less need to reveal these intimate details in a public forum.
I agree with almost everything you write here, and I wonder if telling intimate details in a public forum would indeed diminish with decrim. I imagine it would take years to shift the public attitude, and so this forum would be of even more value. Is there any other forum like this in Europe? Or, because it’s the US, this forum is so endemically cultural?
”Once sex work is decriminalized, there will be less need to reveal these intimate details in a public forum.”
I don’t know. Throughout history men have often taken pride in showing they had beautiful concubines and mistresses. Talking about intimate sex life is nothing new. When it’s illegal we discuss it secretely (like anonymously on escort forums), but when it’s decriminalized you should get plenty of guys talking casually about their experience.
This is an interesting article. My experiences are similar but not identical. In my case, the death of sex in my marriage was precipitated by a chronic illness that my wife suffers from, although menopause may have also played a role. After several years of very limited sex, that declined to zero about three years ago, I decided to start seeing a professional. Like the author of this article, I want to stay married to a woman I love. Like the author, I viewed hiring a sex worker, with its clearly defined boundaries, as preferable to having an affair, which I see as an emotional minefield.
To start with, I saw several different women, but about two years Ago I meet someone who is a great fit for me. I have been seeing her ever since. Although I am not exclusive, this is by far my primary relationship, and it’s a very satisfying one. She is in her 40s, but looks ten years younger. She is beautiful, intelligent, charming, and very sexy. She had been a sexworker by choice since her early 20s. She is fiercely independent, and would laugh at the notion that she had been somehow forced into this line of work, or that it damages her, or that she is a victim. She is a well known advocate for sex workers rights. I would be lying if I said that I don’t have an emotional attachment to her. I do. But the boundaries of our relationship are clearly drawn and understood by both of us, and this benefits us both.
One of the great things about this relationship is that it satisfies my needs – I have a high sex drive and a strong need for physical and emotional intimacy – while not impinging on my marriage. Does my wife know? Put it this way, she has said to me several times that she would not want to know about an affair if it did not threaten our marriage. I take that as tacit acknowledgment that she knows, but does not want to know. Finally, worth noting that my marriage remains on solid ground, even though, day after day, we both have to deal with the consequences of my wife’s physical decline.
Although this is a rather good article revealing what goes on with sex workers and their clients I’m sure a lot of people would interpret this article in quite a different way than the reality of what it is – a rich and rewarding experience.
I only wish I had the finances of this guy who can hire an escort for several hours on almost a weekly basis.
Thanks so much for your post. My colleague, Tony Christensen and I are professors at Wilfrid Laurier University in Ontario, Canada, currently researching client experiences in the sex industry. We are interested in demystifying the sex industry and challenging the rhetoric that has demonized clients in the C-36 debates which criminalized sex work in Canada. If you are a Canadian client and interested in talking with us, please feel free to email us at swcr@wlu.ca
I think there are 3 broad categories of whores: the high end call girls, the middle range Backpage type and the low-class truck stop/street crawler type. Maggie’s guest writer is obviously one who can afford the high end providers. A few years ago after much thought on the subject or having sex outside of my marriage, I came to the same conclusion: having an affair or another girlfriend besides my wife would be risky, dishonest and most likely a disaster. Not to mention the cost and financial risk that would be entailed (a whore is a whole lot cheaper).
After all, I loved my wife and had no thoughts of leaving her. My idea of taking up with whores was like a eureka moment: suddenly, I knew the reason for the endurance and the ubiquitousness of the whore. During the past half dozen years, I have met around a hundred female sex workers and the odds of a good encounter are 9 out of 10. I can think of only four or five regrettable experience and these were with the low end providers; and only one ROB in a hundred plus and thankfully not one encounter with the law.
I am not a high end guy, so I have never spent more than an hour or had an encounter with a high end girl (i.e. the 600 to 1200 an hour type). Two encounter with street walkers and a couple of truck stop types taught me that it was better to pay (a little) more and go for quality. So I was am amazed at the diversity of the middle class whores: several college girls, soccer moms, degreed and intelligent women, those with day job who entertained on the side, divorced house wives, models, a couple of actresses, seasoned pros and the wannabes. There have been several encounter so incredible and superb that they rival a high end encounter. And I can’t tell you how much I have enjoyed meeting most of these people! The sexual nature of people will always produce whores and their clients, it is human nature pure and simple. And all the laws of the world will never prevent people from doing what comes natural.
I have a lot more in common with this poster as opposed to the OP, in regards to the types of girls I see. So much of what the author says is completely foreign to my experiences but I don’t think that should mean my perspective is any less valid then his. The fact that there are so many different perspectives from the client side could be beneficial to the discussion in regards to decriminalization. Unfortunately for me, and many other clients, i am not in a position to out myself as a client as I have too much to lose
Your statistics sound very much like what you find in any other service or goods industry: Most suppliers in the medium price-range are honest and aim to provide good value for money. Defrauding of customers is very rare. At the low end quality may get dicey. At the high-end, the increase in quality may or may not be worth it.
Just another strong indication that sex work is like any other service provided mostly by independents.
There’s a couple phrases in your post which I’d like to reference. First, you refer to the women to whom you go to purchase sexual services as whores. In response, I’d say that, in order to elevate the industry to one where our US society holds it in more respect, those of us who are not sex workers should refrain from using that term and rather use the term “sex workers.” A similar precaution goes towards using the N-word–it’s OK for African-Americans to use the term, but not for anyone else of any other race.
What leads me to this observation is the line where you say you’ve enjoyed meeting “these people.” That’s code, as “they” say, for making a certain group of people the “other,” or less than.
I also differ as to the three classes–it’s another way of putting down sex workers. Life’s not so simple that we can group many people into easily identifiable classes. In my research I see much crossover from the high end to the Backpage type. There’s also much crossover from the Backpage-type to the “street crawler” type, which again is an objectionable term.
To go back to the intent of the story, the client wrote of his experiences and ably maintained a respect of the industry itself, and posed examples of women who chose to work in the industry for several reasons. It’s that measured tone of neutrality which needs constant expression so that the industry can gain the needed respect it deserves. Men who support the industry and the workers in it–mind, there are men in the field, as well–whether they are clients or not, are needed as heartfelt allies, and I can’t myself in that group, and we’ll be taken much more seriously and can change folks’ minds much more easily when we are full of care in choosing the words we use to decribe people.
Thank you for being open to this reflection.
” those of us who are not sex workers should refrain from using that term and rather use the term “sex workers.” A similar precaution goes towards using the N-word…”
I don’t think you can compare with the N-word. Transactions involves two parties and if one side can use the word whore to talk about it, then there’s nothing wrong with the other also using that word. If we would want the laypersons not to use that word, then both parties should refrain from using it.
I also prefer the less pejorative ”sex worker”, but then again many escort can object to that because it gives too much emphasis on sex (like calling a professional chef a food-worker).
I agree that people can use whatever word they feel comfortable using, but the great value of the term “sex worker” is that it gets to the heart of the matter – sexarbeit ist arbeit, sex work is work – and the gradual increase of people using the term is a good sign, since no serious prohibitionist will use it.
I used “whore” as it seems to be Maggie’s favorite word :
“A whore is any woman who gets money for sexual contact with someone. It doesn’t matter what kind of sex it is, or how expensive the price, or how long the contract, or who pays, or whether intercourse is involved, or whether busybodies declare it legal, or what either party’s primary motive is, or under what conditions the contact takes place, or whether one or both parties have a “license” from some “authority”; as I wrote in “Whorearchy”,”
https://maggiemcneill.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/whorearchy/
But as a matter of fact, I have never, ever used this word in my dealings with sex workers, I use “provider”, ‘adult entertainer”, “performance artist” and the girls seem fine with these terms.
There is no evidence in the original post that he employed “high end” end sex workers. The essay doesn’t mention price at all.
What it does mention are intelligent women, those with day jobs who entertained on the side, and divorced house wive who is the only full time professional mentioned. These are the essentially the same women diddly describes.
While I have no experience with sex workers charging $600 an hour or more, what I see in their advertisements and websites generally include several of the following attributes:
– frequent or constant touring
– full time professionals
– focused marketing to a select clientele
– often but not always catering to specific fetishes
– sophisticated screening systems
– assistants to perform screening and scheduling
– spectacular bodies that suggest a lot of time spent caring for them
– professional makeup, photography, and web sites
The original post mentioned none of these.
We don’t know how much he paid, but we do know he found satisfying sex with several different professionals. We know from diddly’s post that is possible with mid-range prices, and less likely with low-budget sex workers.
The common theme in all the tales told in the OP and in the comments is zero evidence of exploitation or violence. These are free agents making free choices about how to live their lives, and they and their clients deserve respect, not contempt or pity. Most of all they deserve to be left alone.
”There is no evidence in the original post that he employed “high end” end sex workers.”
The fact that she has a 4 hour minimum indicates that she’s probably among the most expensive. In my city at least, only a few have such minimum and they always charge significantly more per hour.
I’m the author of the post; Maggie did a wonderful job editing it.
None of the women charged anything remotely close to $600 per hour. Kate was $500 for 4 hours. The most expensive regular I saw was $300 per hour. Most were $200 or $250.
This was such a wonderful perspective. Thank you to Maggie and the author both.