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Archive for December 3rd, 2014

The Missing Piece

Before my divorce I was at a very bad stage in my life.  While going through that, I became emotionally involved with one of my business contacts; after we had sex he became kind of distant and doesn’t talk to me as much.  I love him so very much, and he made me feel like a worthwhile person at a time I was so low I didn’t want to go on any longer.  I don’t want to steal him from his family because I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone; I just want to be his mistress.  Is there any way to keep him interested?

puzzle with missing pieceThe reason I advise married men to only cheat on their wives with professionals is that other women fall in love much too easily, as you have done.  There is no magic formula for winning a man’s heart; women have been looking for this since the beginning of time and it simply doesn’t exist.  A married man may have an affair with you, but the chances of him leaving his wife and family for you is essentially nil; I know you love this man, but it seems pretty obvious to me that he lost interest in you as soon as he got the sex he wanted.  I can also predict with confidence that the more you demonstrate your love, the further he’ll distance himself because he doesn’t want a divorce.  I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to leave off pursuing him; if you continue it will surely result in pain for everyone involved.  I also know that you feel very lonely right now, but you must learn to live with yourself before getting into a new relationship; after my first husband left me, I was alone for six years before becoming involved again.  Oh, I had commercial sex with men and casual sex with women (and a very few men), but I kept everyone at arms’ length because I knew I was not yet ready for a relationship.  We like to imagine that a romantic partner can “complete” us, can fill up gaps in our own personalities like jigsaw puzzle pieces fitting together, but the fact of the matter is that two broken people nearly always create a broken relationship.  I’m not telling you that both parties have to be in perfect mental health; if that were true, I could probably fit every healthy couple in the whole world in this room.  But what I am telling you is that you can’t use another person to “patch” whatever’s wrong with you; he can help you with problems, but the hard work of psychic self-repair is still your own responsibility.  It won’t be easy to be by yourself, but I think it’s imperative for the time being.  Seek professional help (and/or the help of friends you aren’t having sex with) in dealing with whatever caused that “bad stage”, and once you’ve begun to heal then you can open your heart up again to the possibility of a new relationship with someone who isn’t already taken.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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