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Archive for July 9th, 2014

Neither Here Nor There

I’m in a serious relationship with an escort; when we met a year ago I was her client, and since I’m not the jealous type her job was not an impediment to our becoming lovers.  I’m in my 40’s and she’s about the same age; she only started escorting after her divorce to provide for her kids.  However, we don’t have a lot of sex anymore, and when we do it’s nowhere near as good as it was the first few months we were together.  I would never ask her to quit her job, but she seems to have nothing left for me; she hasn’t even worn anything attractive at home since Christmas.  I was married for 17 years before divorcing a few years ago because our physical relationship deteriorated, and I don’t want to be trapped in that same situation again, but when I bring sex up with my girlfriend it just leads to fights.  I’m close to calling it quits and am desperate to find a solution.

Elvgren waitressOne of the most important missions of my blog, if not the most important mission, is getting people to understand that sex workers are not intrinsically different from other people.  The prevailing myth is that we’re “different” in some way, that we’re bad, flawed, broken, victimized, slutty or whatever; that is completely untrue.  Sex workers are as different from one another as are people in the general population, and there is no one harlot personality profile; though some might like you to believe otherwise, our willingness to have sex for pay has nothing to do with relative sex drive levels, and we don’t have predictably-greater libidos than anybody else.  I know it’s difficult for a man (except for one who has done sex work himself) to understand this; when you have sex it’s because you want to, and when you don’t want to you don’t have it.  But though neofeminists are unhappy about it, the fact is that women have sex for lots of reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with desire, and that’s even more true for sex workers.  A whore’s job performance has no more to do with sex drive than a waitress’s, teacher’s or nurse’s does.

What this means to you is that your lady’s job is neither here nor there in relation to the problem you’re having.  While in general sex workers are probably much more likely to understand a man’s needs than other women are, people tend to have a blind spot regarding their own situations; one who can understand a problem in relation to others may be completely unable to see it in herself.  Also, you said that she came to escorting later in life, long after her ideas about sex and love had formed; that makes it much less likely that she was unable to internalize the “whore’s-eye view”, and still looks at relationship sex as any amateur would.  Her quitting would make absolutely no difference in her sexual response to you; she’s not uninterested because she’s having “too much sex” or she’s “satisfied” due to her work activities, and it’s a virtual certainty that things would be the same no matter what job she did.

incompatibleYou mention that you’re only recently divorced, and I suspect she hasn’t been single again for long, either; what this looks like to me is a “rebound” relationship.  You both wanted to be with someone, and the other was convenient, but you may not be as compatible as your hormones have led you to believe.  I think this calls for introspection on your part; it’s not a good sign that she’s lost sexual interest in you even before you’re married, and it’s not going to get better by itself.  Though breakups are never pleasant, I think y’all both need to consider if you’re really right for each other, or if you’re just lonely and afraid to be alone.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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