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Archive for October 11th, 2012

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress’s role.  –  Andy Borowitz

Two years ago today I published “Hooker Humor”, in which I shared a few jokes about my profession.  It was only a few for one simple reason: though there are hundreds of hooker jokes, the majority of them are tasteless, juvenile, vulgar and rely on offensive stereotypes about our being dirty, diseased, desperate and subhuman.  There are, however, some funny, clever and even cute ones out there if one has the patience to look.

The Value of Sex

In the mid-1960s, two young people got married soon after university, where he earned a degree in business administration and she graduated magna cum laude in economics.  On their wedding night, she asked him for $20 before they made love; he laughed about it, remembering their discussions about the economic value of women’s labor and the like, and handed her the money with a smile.  The same thing happened the next time they had sex, and the next; though he was a bit surprised that she was carrying what he perceived as a kind of joke this far, he was a good sport about it and so made sure he always had a bit put aside in case he got horny.

This went on for 40 years, and even though they had sex less often as time went on she was always enthusiastically available for him (though she did raise her rate to $50 in the early ‘90s).  Even before they married they had agreed it made more economic sense for her to stay at home and raise their children, of whom they eventually had four; she was an excellent manager of money, and he was always amazed at how far she could make his salary go even though they sent their kids to the best schools and never wanted for anything.

In later years they experienced a series of financial setbacks which cut into their savings, and as the economy worsened over the past few years the husband started to worry that there was just no way he would be able to retire at 65 as they had planned.  Eventually he put aside his ego, sat his wife down at the table and asked her advice about their financial situation.  She went to her filing cabinet, brought out a thick envelope and showed him a series of financial statements, stock certificates and the like, explaining that she had invested her earnings from sex in the stock market, and that her good judgment and keen economic instincts had eventually parlayed that long series of small fees into literally millions of dollars.  Her husband was overjoyed, and everything was going beautifully until he blurted out, “If I had realized what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

Analogy

Joe and Harry were chatting at a bar, and Joe said, “I wish my wife would get off of my back about my watching porn; she claims if I really loved her I wouldn’t need that.”

Harry replied, “Oh, my wife used to say the same thing until I pointed out to her that I love my car, but I still like watching Nascar racing.”

“And that satisfied her?” asked Joe.

“Yep,” said Harry, “but it’s a good thing she didn’t think about the fact that I rent cars when I’m away on business trips.”

Venery

Four Oxford dons were engaged one evening in casual but learned conversation, and the topic turned to collective nouns such as “a pride of lions” or “a gaggle of geese”; since these are also called “venereal nouns”, one of the professors asked what a collection of prostitutes might be called.  The four fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities.

At last, one spoke: “How about ‘a jam of tarts’?”  The others nodded in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.

A second suggested “an essay of trollops.” Again, the others nodded, and soon a third proposed “a flourish of strumpets.”  They all then looked to the fourth professor, who was the most senior and learned of them all, and one asked if he had any thoughts on the matter.

He paused for a few moments more and then replied, “An anthology of pros.”

Cheapskate

One evening a man who had worked late was walking toward the train station when he spotted a very attractive streetwalker; since his wife didn’t expect him home for some time he went up to her and asked her price.  When she told him it was $100 he exclaimed, “A hundred?  Don’t be ridiculous; I’ll give you forty!”  She laughed at him and told him where he could put his forty, and he stalked off in a snit.

That weekend, he took his wife out to dinner at a restaurant not all that far from his workplace, and as they were walking back to the car whom should he see but the same streetwalker.  He just looked straight ahead, hoping she wouldn’t recognize him, but when they passed she called out, “See what you get for forty bucks?”

The Old Man and the Prostitute

In the Days Before Cell Phones…

A man staying at a hotel in London picked up a tart card from a nearby phone box.  Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a very sexy voice asked if she could be of assistance.  “Yes” he said.  “I’d like to know if you do bondage and discipline; I’m especially interested in getting a really hard spanking.  Would that be something you could provide?”

The woman replied, “I’d really like to oblige you, sir, but if you press 9 first you’ll get an outside line.”

Memory Lapse

A extremely old man decided he wanted sex, so he went to the local stroll and when he saw one woman he really liked, he started flirting with her as if he were making a pass, ignoring her questions about what he wanted.  When it became clear that he was just wasting her time, she told him to get lost but he continued bothering her, saying “I sure would like to get some action tonight.”

Exasperated, she cried “You’ve got to be kidding!  You’re too old!  You’re all finished.”

“What did you say?” asked the old man.

“You heard me – you’re all finished.”

“Oh,” he replied, “how much do I owe you?”

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