The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution. – Bertrand Russell
In a response-thread following my column of August 11th, Sailor Barsoom and I discussed the difference between what women want and what men think we want, and I theorized about why so few women are willing to tell men the truth about it. I pointed out that because women are taught that sex is “dirty” they do not generally want to talk about it, and also that since most women instinctively wish to please our men we tend not to criticize male performance because we don’t want to hurt your egos. Other factors include the unfortunate female tendency to forget that men cannot read between the lines as well as we can and are therefore mystified or infuriated by female guessing games of the “You should know what’s wrong without being told!” variety; and, the unfortunate male tendency to think that if a little of something is good a LOT of it would be much better. Some problems arise from simple differences in terminology; an English-speaking person would probably be happy to be offered a “gift”, but a German might call the police because the German word gift means “poison” in English. As I mentioned in the aforementioned thread, when men say “sex” they usually mean “intercourse”, while women mean everything from kissing to afterglow. So if a woman says she wants “sex” to last hours, a man might think she actually wants to be pumped for hours, while in reality she means no such thing.
What it all boils down to is that ignorance breeds conflict, and the absolute WORST sort of ignorance is that which, rather than being characterized by a dearth of information, instead consists of a surfeit of misinformation; though both sexes are equally ignorant of the other’s sexuality, the latter type of ignorance is much more common among men. Most women know little to nothing about male sexuality (many are actually willfully ignorant), but most modern men are thoroughly convinced they know all about female sexuality even if all they actually know is a lot of myths, advertising spiel, propaganda and outright lies promoted by anyone with an agenda. One of my primary motivations in creating this site was to help dispel both kinds of ignorance, both by providing information and by exploding myths. And one of the most pernicious of these myths is the obviously false yet doggedly persistent notion, strangely common among both men and women, that most members of the opposite sex want the same thing as each other, or even worse that they want the same thing as the opposite sex! The truth, however, is that while there are some things 90% of men enjoy and some things 70% of women enjoy, and some things that 25% of humans enjoy, there is absolutely nothing which everybody wants all the time. This may seem obvious to the more worldly-wise reader, but you’d be amazed how many people don’t realize it.
So what I would like to do today is talk about some of the things I, personally, dislike in sex. I’m not doing this out of the bizarre exhibitionist impulse which inspires so many modern people to reveal their entire lives to complete strangers on Facebook or “reality” TV shows; after all, my neighbors don’t know me as Maggie McNeill. No, my motivation here is to demonstrate that even a woman as sexually open-minded as I am still has her own idiosyncrasies, so if you think “every woman” likes some of these things you would be wrong. If I know or suspect that a particular dislike is common either among whores or among the female population in general I’ll mention it, and if any of my female readers feel brave enough to comment on their own dislikes (or their feelings about the ones I dislike) I invite them to do so. Male readers need not feel left out; if there’s anything that “all men like” which you don’t (such as watching two girls together) please feel free to weigh in.
Woman on Top Position: I know I’m not alone in hating this one because I’ve talked to quite a few others who absolutely abhor it, though one wouldn’t know it from watching modern Hollywood movies. IMHO this is the lazy man’s dream position, because it requires the woman to do all the work. It’s great for men with small penises (big ones tend to bottom out) and excellent for premature ejaculators because it takes most men at least three times as long to come this way as in one of the male-dominant positions; once a man starts to get close he tends to speed up, but if the woman sets the pace he can instead concentrate on controlling it and thereby stop nature from taking its course. For this reason I can’t comprehend why any whore would prefer it, though I suppose some convince themselves that it puts them “in control” when in fact the opposite is true; one is far more in control with the man on top because one can control the angle and depth of penetration with one’s thighs and hips and one’s hands are more free to touch, stroke or whatever. In addition to everything else, “cowgirl” is just way too acrobatic for me, and I’m just not built to pump my pelvis up and down or back and forth like that.
Tongue in the Ear: You really do not want to see my reaction to this. Trust me. Really. A lot of women do seem to like it, but I’m not among them.
Sex in Weird Places: I know most guys and even a lot of women think this is very sexy, but as far as I am concerned a bed is more than adequate as a venue for sexual relations. Sand, dirt, dry leaves, insects, spiders or other, less identifiable debris in my genitalia are NOT my idea of a smashing good time, nor is being arrested for indecent exposure, nor having my head banged repeatedly against concrete, nor being crammed into some weird, cramped, smelly, unsanitary or all of the above position.
Pelvic Gyrations: Some men (especially of one particular ethnic group) seem to believe that moving their bodies from side to side and thus entering a woman from various angles like some kind of eccentric crankshaft is an advanced and effective sexual technique, but it’s so silly-looking and uncomfortable that even when it isn’t actually painful I have to fight back laughter.
Hickies: I know there is some primitive part of a man that wishes to leave his “mark” on a woman, but that is what buying her jewelry is for. Ugly purple bruises do not go with anything, and can put a working whore out of business for days if they can’t be concealed with makeup.
Gynecological Examination: I understand that men are visual creatures, but let’s face it: A woman’s genitals are not exactly pretty, and visiting the gynecologist is not exactly erotic. So for a man to closely examine my folds as if he were looking for ticks, or to stare into my vulva as though he expected to see the future in it, makes me very uncomfortable and triggers paranoid feelings about how I might look or smell no matter how carefully I clean myself before, after and between customers. I know for a fact I’m not remotely alone in despising this.
Foodstuffs: Grapes, bananas and other solid foods are fine; what I am referring to here are messy, sticky substances like caramel, honey, whipped cream, etc. Not only is this plain nasty, guess which partner is stuck cleaning the sheets?
Fingers Jammed into Orifices: I’m not really sure what pleasure men derive from this, though I suspect it may be nostalgia for teenage groping in cars. Fingers are nubbly, rough and have nails; they are sometimes dirty and/or calloused. A little finger is a LOT more painful than a big penis. I know lots of girls who hate this, especially whores (I even saw it in a published list of “don’ts” for escort clients). If you really want to maximize the annoyance potential, jam a few fingers into a girl’s vagina and anus simultaneously without benefit of lubrication, wriggle them around violently and then ask her in a leering voice if she likes it.
Female on Male BDSM: Although it doesn’t do anything for me, money is money. However, I refuse to ever let a man inside of me once I have dominated him (though some clients do indeed seem to think they’re going to get that). Given that few if any professional dominatrices will have intercourse with customers, I suspect that dislike of the combination is pretty widespread.
Fellatio by Force: I think everyone who has had the privilege of being on the receiving end will agree that I am quite expert at this activity; it is therefore unnecessary for the recipient to guide me by putting his hand behind my head and forcing it down onto his member until I am gagging and unable to breathe. I have only ever talked to one girl who was turned on by this, and she was a sexual submissive who was partial to rape fantasy; for whores this maneuver is especially threatening because it might be intentional rather than just something guys do when they’re excited.
Cunnilingus: I’m definitely in the minority on this one, because most women love it (though I do know a few others who don’t). I don’t hate it or anything, but neither does it do much for me; my clitoris is small and responds much more readily to indirect stimulation (by finger or intercourse) than direct. Most girls can at least get me aroused by doing it, but few men seem to know anything beyond the “dog’s water bowl” and “rub whiskered face into crotch” techniques.
Bad Kissing: Because so many men are bad kissers, I am very reluctant to kiss even regulars whom I suspect may be among them. There are three main classes of bad kissers: The Invader, who thinks the point of kissing is to shove his tongue all the way down one’s throat and leave it there for as long as possible; the Slobberer, who thinks the point of kissing is to remove all of one’s makeup with his mouth; and the Lizard, who flicks his tongue in and out of one’s mouth about twice per second, usually while wriggling it about wildly. The first two types are bad enough, but the Lizard makes me want to run screaming from the room. General advice for men: Most women kiss others in the same way as they like to be kissed.
Around the World: Although a change of position during intercourse is sometimes stimulating, it is unnecessary and annoying to try every position in the bloody Kama Sutra during every session. Moving furniture is not erotic.
Obviously, I could tolerate some of these in customers because it was for work rather than fun and had to be endured only for an hour at most. But can you imagine if I were an ignorant virgin married to a man who did one or several of these things? I might very well have ended up in that 20% of American women who think of sex as a “necessary ordeal.” As in so many other areas of human interaction, knowledge and communication go a long way toward preventing resentment and strife.