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Posts Tagged ‘GFE’

Since time immemorial and all over the world, men have wanted more sex than they could get for free.  So what inevitably emerges is a supply of women who, for the right price, are willing to satisfy this demand.
-  Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner

SuperFreakonomicsI first heard of Freakonomics and its sequel several years ago, but because my stack of reading material is always much too high I never took the time to pick up a copy of either.  My interest began to ramp up two years ago when Satoshi Kanazawa mentioned SuperFreakonomics in the column which served to introduce us when I replied to it; his follow-up column which discussed our correspondence  sent an absolutely tremendous amount of traffic my way (I still get hits from it every week), so I became much more interested in the books and would probably have eventually bought them myself had Ted not sent them to me the following November.  Being a stickler for doing things the right way, I read Freakonomics first and reviewed it one year ago today; the fact that it has taken me this long to get around to reviewing the sequel is due in part to my reading many other books in the interim, in part to not having nearly as much time to read as I might like, and in part to my just finally catching up from the holiday backlog.

The books were written by economist Steven D. Levitt (of the University of Chicago) and journalist Stephen J. Dubner (formerly of The New York Times); Levitt is interested in economics in its larger sense, the study of how human beings react to incentives, and Dubner makes Levitt’s investigations interesting to read.  As in the first book, they covered a number of subjects: the chapters are entitled, “How is a Street Prostitute Like a Department-Store Santa?”, “Why Should Suicide Bombers Buy Life Insurance?”, “Unbelievable Stories About Apathy and Altruism”, “The Fix is In – and It’s Cheap and Simple”, and “What Do Al Gore and Mount Pinatubo Have in Common?”  There is also an epilogue named “Monkeys are People Too”, which I’ve already discussed in a previous column.  And though chapters two through five are fascinating, enlightening and well worth the time of anyone who’s interested in psychology, sociology, criminology and/or global warming, the first chapter provides so much material that I’m going to dedicate the rest of this column to it.

For some reason I’ve never been able to adequately fathom, economists tend to be remarkably stupid about prostitution, often abandoning skepticism and proper data-gathering to embrace ludicrous claims they would never accept about any other economic activity.  Furthermore, virtually all books written about prostitution by sympathetic outsiders have a mixture of correct and incorrect information, and this one is no exception; however, I’m pleased to say that they got more right than they did wrong, and that none of the errors are due to buying into moronic prohibitionist myths.  In fact, the chapter serves as a thorough refutation of the most damaging and pervasive sex work myth of our times:  the notion that most whores are (or ever have been) coerced.  Though the book was published in 2009 the words “sex trafficking” do not appear anywhere in it, and prohibitionist laws are correctly framed as a product of the social purity era:  “The white slavery problem turned out to be a wild exaggeration.  The reality was perhaps scarier:  rather than being forced into prostitution, women were choosing it for themselves.”  They demonstrate that about 2% of American women in the 1910s were prostitutes (already considerably lower than the 19th century average of 5.5%) and that the average Chicago whore of the period made almost twelve times as much as a factory worker.  Furthermore, they clearly understand a principle I’ve pointed out before:  the reason there are far fewer whores now, and the reason we make relatively less than we used to, is that so many women are giving it away now that the market simply won’t bear the prices and volume it used to a century ago.

Levitt & DubnerUnlike his more credulous colleagues, Levitt recognizes harlotry as an economic activity like any other, governed by the same laws and responding to the same pressures.  In order to demonstrate this, he and Dubner look at two types of sex worker: opportunistic (and sometimes seasonal) street workers on Chicago’s south side, and a high-end escort named Allie in a different part of the same city.  But while the information on escorting is sound because it was provided by Allie herself (who contacted Levitt upon hearing he was interested in writing about the subject), the information about streetwalkers was collected by a man I’ve written about before: Sudhir Venkatesh, the Columbia sociologist known for his incredible credulity, his sloppy scholarship and his ethics violations.  Some of the conclusions the authors draw from Venkatesh’s data seem reasonable, such as the claim that many streetwalkers prefer to work with pimps because they bring in better clients (resulting in higher income even after the pimp’s 25% cut).  Others seem highly doubtful, such as the declaration that going without a condom only costs $2 more on average; in New York, he claimed it was typically 25% more (and as I pointed out then it’s difficult to fix a “usual” price on desperation).  But since there’s absolutely no way to tell the good data from the bad, nor to determine whether Venkatesh’s numbers are merely distorted or outright lies on his part (or that of the women he surveyed), this section of the chapter is absolutely worthless, and that includes the credible and highly-publicized “finding” that 3% of all tricks were freebies given to cops to avoid arrest.

The Venkatesh streetwalker study is definitely the weakest part of the book, though as I stated above it’s impossible to tell how wrong his numbers are.  My only other quibble is a minor but important one; it represents a flaw in Dubner’s thinking which is common even among sex workers, but which must be dispelled if there’s ever to be any progress.  Though Allie recognizes that she is no less a whore than any streetwalker, Dubner writes “she has less in common with that kind of woman than she does with a trophy wife…she isn’t really selling sex, or at least not sex alone…”  The error, of course, is that sex is purely a physical activity; Allie is very much selling sex, she’s just selling a richer sexual and sensual experience than the streetwalker is.  We wouldn’t claim that a dinner theater was fundamentally different from a hot-dog stand merely because the food is better and it comes with a lot of extras; the trophy wife is a whore as well, and though it’s true that a high-end escort is closer to her than to the streetwalker, it doesn’t change the fact that all of them are whores, and that no bright, clear line can be drawn at any point on that spectrum.

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Twice and thrice over, as they say, good is it to repeat and review what is good.  -  Plato

All of today’s questions and answers appeared previously in comment threads, and I’ve linked the originals; I thought it best to repeat them in-column not only to ensure that everyone gets to see them, but also so that they can be referenced in “Previously Asked Questions”.  If you have a question of your own, please check that page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.

Venus At Her Mirror by Peter Paul Rubens (1615)Is there a market for escorts who are in their 40s and chubby or who are obviously mothers?  If so what could such a woman expect to earn?

There is a market for “BBW” (Big Beautiful Woman) escorts, and definitely for mature ones, and for the combination as well.  The most important thing for mature ladies is personality; gentlemen who see older escorts usually want an interesting companion as much as or more than they want sex.  As for income, you’ll have to check your local escort boards, but I expect it isn’t much different from other women in your area.

What advice could you give to a smaller-than-average man married to a larger-than-average woman?  Between oral, manual and toys, we can satisfy each other, but I sometimes wish we could make good old-fashioned penetration work for us.

Woman on top is good for men with smaller penises, and also allows for manual clitoral stimulation; if your wife is fairly flexible, she can also lie on her back with her knees pulled all the way up until they’re alongside her tits.  Rear-entry (“doggie style”) also shortens and tightens the vagina, but it won’t work well if the woman is generously endowed in the derriere; this can be mitigated somewhat if she is flexible and can get on her knees while pressing her bosom as flat against the mattress as she can (it also helps if the man crouches to penetrate instead of getting on his knees). And of course, there’s also anal sex; a smaller penis is actually an advantage for that activity.

What screening process do P411 and Date Check use to insure that providers are legitimate and not planted by law enforcement?

P411 requires that girls have several reviews, and I think they also need a vouch from a client or already-approved girl but I’m not sure of that.  I don’t know about Date Check personally, but Aspasia wrote that she had to be vouched for by established escorts and email them a photocopy of her ID.

Is there a length or thickness of penis beyond which most escorts would not have sex?

woman with tape measureI never encountered one I could not accept because of thickness, and I honestly don’t think very many other escorts have, either; the vagina is elastic enough to allow a baby’s head through, and there’s no penis remotely close to that in diameter. There is a common male myth that a lot of sex can make a woman loose, but this is pure, unadulterated nonsense; only childbirth can do that.  Excessive length is a problem because it can “bottom out” against the cervix, but in that case a thin penis is worse than a thick one because it allows the head to ram harder against the sensitive tissues, whereas a thick one will be slowed down by friction.  To a degree we deal with that by choosing positions which don’t allow deep penetration, but I have heard of some ladies who specify that they won’t see men over a certain length.

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Off Track

The circulation of confidence is better than the circulation of money.  -  James Madison

Claire writes:

I’m an experienced GFE escort and generally have very nice clients, but recently I’ve had trouble retaining regulars and I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong.  If I click with someone or have a bit of chemistry that I can work with, I can deliver a really good session; however, I’m 34 now and I suppose I might make assumptions a bit early.  I have never really networked, so I don’t have many people I can ask questions; do you have some sort of list or tips for girls to use in the room?  I haven’t had many good sessions lately and my confidence is a bit blown; I’d appreciate any advice you can give to help me spice things back up again.

The Favorite by Luis Ricardo Falero (1880s)It would be nearly impossible for me to guess what’s causing your trouble; there are any number of possibilities, ranging from the esoteric (an unnoticed health problem that’s subtly changed your biochemistry) to the psychiatric (burnout) to the chaotic (a plain run of bad luck).  But once one’s confidence begins to slip, her mystique can quickly go downhill and then it becomes a snowball effect.  So it’s very important that you get control of this, build up your presence and before too long you’ll be building up your regulars list again.  One thing that I think is very important is that you get a complete medical checkup, just in case there is some subtle gynecological or hormonal issue; if you can afford it, a short holiday might also help.  You might even consider overhauling your website because after all, the root cause may be external (i.e. in your customer base rather than in you), and an infusion of new blood may put things to rights.

I don’t have any kind of list, because most of what I did was based in pure instinct; in other words I’ve never really analyzed what I do, as much as just following my gut with a particular man.  Though I do have a few practical tricks I could teach, they’re more “show” than “tell” and I suspect you already know them anyway.  One of the things that I think is very important for GFE is to be as real as possible without letting negativity into it; in other words DO tell clients how excited you were to get tickets to that sold-out show, but DON’T talk about how bummed you are that your daughter’s having trouble in school (I wrote about this sort of thing at length in “Playing the Part”).

Because everyone is different, though, and because I want to get you back on track right away, I think we need to “crowdsource” this one.  I’m going to bump tomorrow’s column and put this in its place, and invite all of my readers who are either current or former pros to offer suggestions for you in the comment thread.  Make sure you read all of them, and keep up with it for several days; some readers may take a few days to see the column, but might have really good answers for you.  It may even be that some male readers might offer their input as to what has caused them to stop seeing a regular escort, and perhaps you might recognize something one of them says as something you’re also doing and didn’t see as problematic until it was pointed out.

Readers, have you any suggestions for Claire?

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Disguise our bondage as we will,
‘Tis woman, woman rules us still.
 -  Isaac Bickerstaff, The Sultan (II,i)

Here’s a letter from a very distraught reader, and my response:

I’m a 24 year old male virgin who couldn’t get laid to save my own life.  I’m in a very bad state of physical health and have severely low testosterone, a small penis and erectile dysfunction; I also have severe social anxiety and many other mental health issues.  I have no friends or social contact of any kind, and hate women with an all-consuming passion; I know this is irrational and mostly due to my complete failure with them, but this does little to quell the rage.  Although I have never been violent towards another human being in my whole life, and I have no doubt that I would never actually hurt a woman, I do have extremely violent fantasies; I don’t mean to freak you out, but I just want to explain myself completely.  At the same time I view women with awe and reverence and never stop thinking about them; I also envy them, which strikes as borderline homosexual.  I’m a severely porn-addicted, chronic compulsive masturbator and my fantasies have devolved into sickening femdom/chastity/cuckolding porn and incest; I can only relate to women as either a pitiful charity case to be coddled like a child, or as a victim to be tormented.  I want so much to get my head strait and respond sexually to things that are healthy; my desire is to be normal.

My feelings toward women in general are magnified with respect to highly sexual women; I abhor them whilst worshiping them, and I’m a reactionary traditionalist who wants to forcibly repress female sexuality and reverse the effects of the sexual revolution.  So for me (and I know how irrational this is), going to a prostitute would be an act of profound surrender, allowing myself to be completely vulnerable to that which I fear more than anything in the world.  Practically, what I think I need is a highly skilled woman who has patience and genuine compassion, somebody who’s had success in working with my kind before.Rachel Wotton with client  I watched a documentary called Scarlet Road about an Australian prostitute who works primarily with disabled dudes, and that’s exactly what I’m seeking.  What I’m not sure about, though, is whether I should go to a prostitute now, or else wait six months or so and really try and get my health in order so I could enjoy the experience more.  Since I’ve received very little help from doctors, it might possibly be years before I become healthy again, and I cannot wait that long without experiencing simple human touch and companionship; a healing experience with a talented prostitute might be a catalyst for me to make major changes in my life.  I’d really appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

I have written on a number of occasions about the severe problems which can result from a man’s being deprived of sexual release, and though I do think this has severely aggravated your emotional and mental health I don’t think it’s the major factor.  I’m not a psychiatrist, and even if I were I couldn’t even begin to make a diagnosis based on one email, but I think it’s safe to say that your social anxiety and whatever other issues keep you from having friends are the chief impediments to your happiness.  So though I am going to give you the advice about hiring a pro that you asked for, I also strongly urge you to research and seek out a competent therapist who could help you with the social and psychological problems.  That’s not necessarily going to be easy; there are boatloads of therapists, psychologists, counselors and the like in every city, but most of them are only semi-competent and finding a good one will take work and time unless you’re very fortunate.  It is possible that just finding a companion who will listen to your problems will go a long way toward helping you, but if your situation is as bad as you have painted it you may also need medication and only a doctor can provide that.  While it’s true that psychoactive drugs are overprescribed nowadays, it’s also true that when used properly they can give someone temporary respite from his emotional pain so as to allow him to regroup and get his life back into order.  You wrote that you’ve received little help from doctors for your physical problems; here again, you may just need to keep looking for the right one.  Improvement in your physical health might work wonders for your mental health, probably much more than you suspect.

The Rape of Persephone by BerniniI’m glad you were honest with me about your anger toward women and fear of female sexuality, and rest assured I am not “freaked out”.  While your feelings are unusual in their intensity, they’re not at all unusual in their character; while I would hesitate to call them typical, I must point out that this kind of love/hate relationship with women is evident in the writings of many men from antiquity to the present and suffuses Western monotheism (and as Camille Paglia points out, inspires an awful lot of art).  It’s the real-life syndrome from which neofeminist myths about “misogyny” and “rape culture” spring, but in actuality it’s simply the wholly predictable result of male sexual frustration.  When thwarted, powerful drives don’t just go away; buried, they rot in the earth and give rise to dark, unwholesome and unlovely things.  A caged tiger paces back and forth unceasingly; a man develops fantasies which may repel or sicken him, and grows to hate the thing which he blames for his condition.  But these are merely surface manifestations conjured up to hide the painful truth:  though you claim to hate and fear whores, you approached an unrepentant harlot for advice in dealing with her sisters.  Please understand that I am not belittling your feelings in any way; after all, you pointed it out yourself.  The only reason I brought it up at all is that I want you to understand that if I really thought you genuinely hated women in general and whores in particular, I wouldn’t be giving you advice on how to locate one for fear you might harm her.

I think your idea of seeking a really dedicated professional who views her work as a calling is a sound one, and I’m happy to tell you that such women exist in virtually every part of the globe (though if you live under a criminalization regime, it will take a little more care and research on your part).  I’m afraid you’re going to have to be very patient; it is imperative that you find the right woman, or else the experience will simply result in even more frustration.  Furthermore, you may not be able to perform the first few times you are with her; the combination of physical factors, frustration, anger, anxiety and everything else will probably prevent it.  You need to go into the early appointments with the attitude that you are just there to talk, to touch and to hold and be held; if you don’t expect intercourse and tell the lady not to expect it either, you can spend the time getting used to being with a naked woman without the fear of ridicule or failure.  One thing of which I can assure you is that absolutely NO professional worth her salt will mock you for your penis size, inability to achieve erection or fearfulness; trust me, we have all seen these things many, many times, and will no more ridicule you for them than a physician would mock you for being ill or a maid insult your dirty carpet.

In summary:  Take your time, as hard as that may be:  research the ladies in your area, find one who seems patient and understanding, explain that you may have difficulties and just want to touch and talk.  Then see her a few times, expecting nothing in particular to happen in any given session; enjoy the journey rather than focusing on a particular destination, and in the meantime do whatever you need to do to improve your health.  As you become comfortable with your escort the psychological and emotional barriers to physical intimacy will erode, and unless it’s physiologically impossible for you to achieve erection you should eventually be able to have intercourse, and thereby begin the process of healing your spirit and moving toward a healthy and fulfilling sex life.

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Does the Eagle know what is in the pit
Or wilt thou go ask the Mole?
Can wisdom be put in a silver rod,
Or love in a golden bowl?
  -  William Blake, The Book of Thel

As I explained in December, I’m going to start answering reader questions individually in short columns rather than saving them up for the ends of months.  However, December was so incredibly hectic for me that I let several of them stack up, and will answer them together today.  If you have a question of your own, please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.

My single adult daughter (age 26) has recently discussed becoming my mistress.  Though this taboo in our society, she is 100% consensual, high class and very attractive; she has needs that I can fulfill and I have needs that she can fulfill.  What do we look out for in order to make this work?

From a Single TrunkAs you know, I firmly believe that what consenting adults do in private is nobody’s business but theirs.  Since you’ve asked my advice, however, I feel it isn’t out of place for me to tell you that I don’t think this is the best of ideas for either of you.  Even if the biological reasons for the taboo are removed by birth control, that won’t change the way other people (not to mention the “authorities”) feel; furthermore, how certain can you be that both of you can totally shed the social norms you’ve internalized?  If you were equals in the eyes of the law and society that wouldn’t matter; many relationships involve complex and conflicting emotions, and getting hurt by such relationships is simply part of the experience of living.  But despite what you may think, you are not equals under modern law; if the relationship were to be exposed you would be cast as the villain, all the more so if you’re supporting her in exchange for sex, and an ambitious prosecutor could turn that into prison time (especially while “sex trafficking” hysteria is still going full steam ahead).

What it all boils down to is this:  you can’t be sure exactly what is going on in your daughter’s head, and if she has a strong internal conflict about it (which wouldn’t be surprising), it might bubble to the surface at some future time (such as during a heated argument), resulting in disaster for you if she tells someone else about it.  Even if she regretted the confession five minutes later, neither of you could control the actions of the confidant…actions that might set a legal juggernaut in motion.  My advice to you is that you help your daughter financially until she can find an independent income or sugar daddy of her own, and satisfy your own needs with escorts or sugar babies to whom you are not related.  If you decide to go ahead with the incestuous relationship, though, please make a thorough study of the applicable laws in your country, state or province and city so that you’ll know exactly what the potential hazards might be, and tell absolutely no one else about the arrangement no matter how trustworthy you may think he is.

Is a relationship likely to fail if a man is attractive in many ways, but suffers from such severe Peyronie’s Syndrome that sex is painful for the woman?

I would imagine that severe Peyronie’s Syndrome would indeed make a sexual relationship extremely problematic, but there may be hope; recent studies suggests a better treatment is on the horizon.  Even if the procedure described there isn’t yet perfected, perhaps the gentleman you speak of could consult an andrologist to see what therapies are already available?

Is squirting real?

Squirting (so-called “female ejaculation” is real enough, but there’s still considerable controversy over exactly what it is and what causes it.  It’s usually associated with the so-called “G-spot”, whose nature is likewise controversial.

I’m an older American man and for a number of reasons, I have not had sexual relations in over 10 years.  I have become convinced that the best thing for me right now would be to hire hookers rather than finding a long-term partner, but I don’t have the income for an escort in the States and so it’s going to have to be budget prostitutes in Mexico.  However, in my past experiences with prostitutes I have never been able to get over the “business” aspect; I seem to be unable to function if the lady is not sexually turned on.  How can I get over feeling it’s all business with no sexual desire?

Adelita BarOn the one hand, your budget precludes being very picky, but on the other hand you need a talented professional who can create the illusion of mutual desire.  Seeing randomly-selected ladies in a foreign country is just not going to do the trick, especially if there’s a language barrier.  My advice to you is to save up a little so as to afford a lady who lives in your city, has a reputation for being especially friendly and is willing to do short (half-hour) appointments.  If you get along well with her, keep seeing her exclusively (even if you can’t do it often) and eventually she may be willing to give you a lower “regular client” rate.  Don’t ask for it right away; most escorts have very sensitive bullshit detectors and asking for a regular rate before she actually perceives you as a regular is a good way to alienate her.  But once you do have a regular relationship with an escort, a genuine affection will probably develop between you and that will probably go a long way toward helping you to get over the feeling that it’s all business.

Do most sex workers enjoy sex with clients?  Can they have orgasms several times in a day?  And isn’t there such a thing as too much sex? 

Most of the time, we don’t enjoy the sex.  Besides the lack of intimacy (which is part of the enjoyment for most women) there is also the fact that we’re concentrating on making the client happy, and can’t really tell him to stop doing annoying or unpleasant things without hurting his feelings.  Most women are capable of multiple orgasms, either in rapid succession or spread out over a day, but while it’s certainly possible for an escort to orgasm with a client it isn’t the norm.  And of course too much sex, like too much of any physical activity, can be very tiring.

What do you think about verification services like Date Check and P411?

I think they’re fantastic for both parties; the only time they fail is in the rare instance when some idiot fails to stick to the plan, gets caught in a sting and then ransoms his worthless hide by giving the busybodies his login info so they can pop several girls before the service gets wise (I understand this actually happened to P411 once).  No system is perfect, especially when those trying to sabotage it are completely without moral scruples or basic human decency, but screening services can take a lot of the guesswork out.

What’s the solution to male sexual frustration beside prostitution or masturbation?

cold showerI assume from your question that you don’t have a regular partner and don’t foresee yourself getting one, that you can’t afford professionals, and that masturbation doesn’t relieve your frustration as well as you’d like.  If any of those assumptions are incorrect please let me know, because I suspect you wouldn’t ask unless those solutions weren’t working for you.  Most of the guys I’ve talked to about this say that the traditional “cures” (such as cold showers, a bland diet and meditation) are essentially useless, and though age and medical intervention are effective the former takes a very long time and the latter is both drastic and has side effects you would definitely not like (such as developing a feminine derrière).  So I’m afraid I’m going to have to “outsource” this to my male readers; guys, how have y’all coped with dry spells if self-service just isn’t working?

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To really ask is to open the door to the whirlwind.  ―  Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat

Because I’ve done so many Q & A columns, I’m starting to see some repetition in the questions readers ask.  This isn’t exactly surprising, considering that there are over 900 daily columns now and even a person who’s good at using indexes and searches might not phrase the question in the same way as the original questioner.  So, I’ve decided to publish this linked list of all the questions I’ve answered so far, rephrased for simplicity and clarity; within the next few days it will be duplicated in a static page that will grow as I answer new questions, and that I can then link in each new Q & A column.

General Sex Questions

Vargas Fleurs du Mal

General Sex Work Questions

Questions About Whores

La Belle Esclave by Henri Tanoux

Questions About Clients

Mentoring Questions

Requests for Advice

Personal Questions

Illustration from Guy de Maupassant's La Maison Tellier by Edgar Degas (1881)

Blogging

Miscellaneous

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The police department believes that, under state law, you may responsibly get baked, order some pizzas and enjoy a Lord of the Rings marathon in the privacy of your own home, if you want to.  -  Seattle PD press release

Wednesday was the 79th anniversary of the repeal of Prohibition; even regular readers may be impressed (to put it kindly) to hear that I’ve already scheduled a column on the subject for the 80th anniversary next year.  In honor of the occasion Reason did a profile of “The Man in the Green Hat”, semi-official bootlegger to Congress, whose exposure of hypocrisy in those simpler days helped to bring Prohibition down; it’s the first video below, and every link before it was provided by this week’s champ, Jesse Walker.  The first and fourth links between the videos came from Radley Balko, the second from Mike Siegel, the third from Marc Randazza, the fifth from Cthulhuchick, the sixth from Feminist Whore and the last two from Grace.  The second video (which is a cute, funny little satire) was contributed by Furrygirl.

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The liberally educated person is one who is able to resist the easy and preferred answers, not because he is obstinate but because he knows others worthy of consideration.  -  Allan Bloom

Only two questions this time, though both are fairly long ones.  If you have one you’d like me to answer, please email me at maggiemcneill@earthlink.net; I’m a bit slow with my correspondence lately but I should still be able to answer you within a few days.

I’m in my twenties and single, but very much do want to get married some day.  I know that as a wife it will be extremely important to keep my husband sexually satisfied as best I can; I also know that if I don’t, I’d much rather he meet his needs with a hooker than an amateur since, like you’ve mentioned time and time again, the former is likely to be discreet and not destroy my marriage.  However, even if I do perform my “wifely duties” well, do you think it’s still inevitable that a man is going to cheat for sexual variety?  And if so, how would one go about having a conversation about it with a husband prospect?  ”I’d really prefer if you didn’t cheat on me at all, but if you do, please do it with a professional!”?  I feel like that’d encourage a man who wasn’t even thinking of such a thing to go for it!  I know this is probably a strange thing for me to be stressing over when I’m not even so much as engaged, but I’d love to hear your perspective!

No, it’s not inevitable; roughly 67% of all married men cheat, which still means about 1 in 3 don’t.  And you have to remember that those figures are for all marriages, with bad or inattentive wives mixed in with the good, attentive ones.  I would suspect that if we could figure out a way to only survey the husbands of good wives, that number would be much lower.  It would not, however, be zero; I suspect it would be something like 20%, the fraction of men who see whores “occasionally” (I don’t have any specific rational basis for this comparison; it’s more like an educated guess modified by instinct).  Given that, I don’t think it’s at all silly to have the conversation you suggest at some point.  I’m not suggesting you just blurt it out in the middle of sex or dinner, but sooner or later a related subject is bound to come up and you can segue into it.  He will almost certainly insist that he’ll never do that, and he may even really mean it at the time, but years later if he feels the need he may remember what you said and take the harm-managed path.  Don’t worry about “giving him ideas”; when it comes to sex people will invariably think of such things on their own whether you mention it or not.  Plus, you can certainly stress that you’re not exactly giving your blessing to his hiring hookers, but rather just telling him that the professional option would hurt you less and you’d find it easier to forgive.

Your stressing about it now is indeed “strange” in the sense of “unusual”, but not in the sense of “weird”; in fact, I think it’s a sign of remarkable good sense.  Most girls never even consider these things, and as a result they tend to react that much more badly when faced with the revelation that their husbands are not superhuman paragons of virtue.  In fact, I suspect that a young woman who can think so clearly about an emotional subject like this is much more likely to choose her mate wisely and to consider factors like economics and sexual compatibility rather than simply rushing into marriage in a biochemical haze, and that will dramatically increase your chances for a good match characterized by mutual honesty.

A little over two months ago, I met a whore with whom I share a social chemistry that I never experienced with a woman before, and I feel such intense affection for her that I equally look forward to our conversations after my basic physical need has been satisfied.  At the same time, I respect our professional boundaries; I feel scheduling an appointment with her once a month does the trick.  I have become much more responsible in my personal life. I feel better motivated to tackle life’s challenges, get my sleep and exercise, keep my space clean and organized, feel more at ease around others, and am more affectionate with my family.  I no longer feel as though I have resigned myself to a cheap substitute for a conventional relationship.  Even more bizarre, I have begun to feel that compensating a woman is more natural than conventional relationships.  Have I gone nuts?  Perhaps I’m romanticizing this too much?  Secondly, do you think it’s plausible for a whore to have such a quasi-intimate relationship with a client, genuinely feeling some affection for him that doesn’t cross professional boundaries?

Your question is kind of tangled, but I’m going to tease out what I think are the pertinent strands.  First of all, as I’ve written many, many times before, there really isn’t a bright, clear line between prostitution and dating (or even marriage) as people like to pretend.  All lasting relationships have an economic component, because once the flare of biochemical passion fades there needs to be something more substantial to hold the partners together, and mutual economic benefit is about as strong a glue as there is.  That does not preclude genuine affection, however; most everyone has had the experience of genuinely liking a customer, employee, boss or co-worker despite the fact that the relationship is primarily an economic one, and though I love my husband I also recognize that our socioeconomic arrangement is the bedrock of the relationship.  Expressed another way, economics is the cake, and love the icing, not the other way around as modern Americans like to pretend.  So, answering the last question first:  Yes, a whore can have genuine affection for a client and vice-versa, and since some whores feel no need for sexual companionship outside the job, I can’t see where the opposite couldn’t be true.

Next, you have to remember that the male need for sexual variety is pretty powerful, and more so in some men than others; though some men certainly yearn for a lifetime companion, others may prefer serial monogamy and still others may be perfectly happy with getting their sex from women and their companionship from deep male friendships.  The idea that every man (or every woman, for that matter) must or even should form long-term relationships that combine social, economic and sexual factors is asinine; though such relationships are often rewarding and are probably better for raising children than the culturally-available alternatives, that doesn’t mean they are right for everyone, or that everyone is going to crave them.  So no, you’re not crazy for finding your relationships with whores rewarding and satisfying; what’s more, you need to stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.  If you’re happier, better-adjusted and more productive now than you’ve ever been before, why question it just because closed-minded bigots might not like it?  The only person you have to please is you, and if you’re accomplishing that you’re in an enviable position.  Keep on the way you’re going as long as it works for you, and if you ever arrive at a point where it doesn’t any more you can calmly take stock of the situation and proceed from there.

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The process of education in the oldest profession in the world is like any other educational process, in that it requires time and effort and patience; it can only be acquired by taking one step at a time, though the steps become accelerated after the first few.  -  Madeleine Blair

Here’s a recent reader letter and my response; for ease of reading I’ve split her question up into parts with my answers.

I’m seriously considering sex work but I live in a small Canadian city and want to be discreet; I’m also concerned about diseases, violence, the potential to be arrested and rape. How often, on average, would you say you had a difficult or creepy client?

It depends on what you mean by “difficult”.  There’s a certain small fraction of customers in any business who are just vexatious twits and can’t be pleased no matter how one tries, and a larger fraction who aren’t consciously trying to be difficult but end up being so anyhow.  In our business, the latter are the ones who are so nervous they don’t come easily, or who want to try every position in the bloody Kama Sutra, or who insist on sticking their tongues in your ear, etc.  But if you’ve dated a lot, you’ve already run into guys like that and it really isn’t any different; one simply has to do one’s best, try to keep them under control and soldier on.  If I had to hazard a guess I’d say 50% of clients are just normal (neither hard nor easy), 30% are very easy, 10% are annoying but not difficult and 10% difficult to one degree or another.

I can only do outcalls, so what should I expect from an agency regarding security?

The agency should allow you to talk to the client by phone beforehand to make sure the two of you hit it off; if they don’t allow that (for fear of your stealing calls) find another agency.  This is VERY important; talking to the client allows the girl to feel him out, to give her instincts a chance to work.  The two times I got raped and the one time I almost did, I did not talk to the client first; the first rape and the near miss were because of a language barrier, and the second rape was at a big multi-client party where I only spoke to the man who was arranging it but not the rapist.  In other words, I have never been raped by a client I talked to first.

The other thing an agency should do is know where you are (exact address) when with a client, check you in and out by phone, and have someone they can dispatch to pound on the door if you can’t be contacted at the end of the call.  Good American agencies also have a lawyer on call in case of police stings, but since escorting isn’t illegal in Canada you probably needn’t worry on that account (Canadian escorts, please correct me if I’m wrong on this).

What should I do before, during and after a client intends to rape me?

Talking to a client on the phone and being a real person when you’re with him humanizes you, making it more difficult for him to think of you as a thing to be used.  Furthermore, calling in right in front of him sends the message “people know where I am”.  Most clients are not any more dangerous than any other men you might meet, but you have to take these precautions EVERY TIME (no exceptions) because they help to reduce the chance of danger from that rare sociopathic individual who might hurt you.

If a client starts to do something you don’t like, try changing position and doing something else instead; if that doesn’t work say “please don’t do that” or “you’re hurting me” or some such; that will stop a normal man who is just getting carried away.  If it seems rape is inevitable, the most important thing is to keep your head; you mustn’t panic or allow horror stories to flow into your consciousness and cloud your thinking.  Feminists are fond of equating all rape with aggravated rape, but as one who has experienced both I can tell you that simply isn’t true; aggravated rape is terrifying because of the possibility of death or disfigurement, but “date rape” – in other words, unwanted sex which occurs in the context of a voluntarily-entered sexual situation – isn’t nearly as bad.  It’s highly unpleasant and may even be painful, but it’s not the worst thing that can happen to a woman.

The reason I’m saying this is not to downplay the wrongness of it, but to give you a sense of perspective so you can avoid panicking and reacting in a way that could make things worse.  If he won’t stop when asked and you can’t struggle free, it’s highly unlikely screaming or freaking out will achieve anything, either; tensing up will increase the chance of damage to whatever orifice he’s penetrated, and scaring him could provoke a violent reaction.  Your best bet is to relax as best you can and just let him get it over with, then get away as quickly as you can and go straight home.  Tell the agency what happened so he can be blacklisted; since you want to be very undercover about your work you probably won’t want to report it to the police (who probably wouldn’t do anything anyhow).  If you think you might be more than just bruised (or if he raped you without a condom), you should visit a doctor the next day.

I tend to gain weight on birth control, do you consider it an essential or are condoms okay on their own?

Condoms don’t break often, but if one did you don’t want to have to go through an abortion if it can be avoided.  If hormonal birth control doesn’t work for you, you should consider an IUD, diaphragm or Plan B as a safety net.

What types of diseases are most common and what should I be on the lookout for?

STIs are not common in the client base to which you will be catering, but that’s partly because escorts are so careful about protection and watching for signs.  There are websites which show graphic pictures of STD symptoms, but I honestly don’t think you need to look at them; any kind of open sore or lesion in a man’s genital area is a red flag, as are unusual odors (not just a normal man-smell) or discharge.  Venereal warts usually look like regular warts, but can sometimes look like nothing more than pimples, so I would advise getting the Gardasil shots if you haven’t already (just to be safe).  You don’t need to be obvious about checking; as part of foreplay just take a good look at his genital area, and if you see anything out of the ordinary don’t be shy about asking, “What is this?”  Men do sometimes have moles or skin tags even on the penis itself, but if it really is something like that he’s been asked by other girls before and will answer nonchalantly.  If he’s nervous and/or claims not to know what it is, you’ve probably got some kind of symptom on your hands and should NOT proceed, even with a condom; refund everything but your cancellation fee and advise him to see a doctor immediately.

What about kissing?

Kissing has become much more common in the past few years; it can’t be entirely avoided if you want to provide a GFE, which from what I know of your personality seems to be the style that would best suit you.  You won’t mind kissing some clients, and a very few are actually very good kissers; for the rest, one can usually lead most men into the style of kissing one prefers by example, and if a client is just a horrible, sloppy, invasive, tongue-y kisser who won’t be denied just move on to something else, like oral sex.

What were your best methods for figuring out what a client wanted?

Ask; it’s the only dependable way to know for certain.  Generally clients who want a specific thing will ask for it themselves; otherwise, just do what you would do for a boyfriend if you were in a generous mood and wanted to move him inexorably toward orgasm in the shortest possible time without looking as though you were in a hurry.  Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it very quickly, and if you think you’re revealing your inexperience just tell the truth, “I’m pretty new at this”; most men consider that a turn-on.

Are scars a bad thing?

I have several prominent scars on my left forearm, another on my left elbow, a long, thin one on my left knee and innumerable small ones in a number of other places, and I’ve literally never had a complaint; most clients don’t even notice unless they’re doctors, and even then they’ll only ask about it in small talk.  I suspect only large abdominal scars (such as from major surgery) would be an issue for most men.

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When I was a call girl, men were not paying for sex.  They were paying for something else.  They were either paying to act out a fantasy or they were paying for companionship or they were paying to be seen with a well-dressed young woman.  Or they were paying for someone to listen to them.  -  Roberta Victor

I recently received an email from a gentleman with two friends, each with confidence issues that my reader thought might be ameliorated with the help of an experienced professional.  This is not at all unusual; in my early column “Madonna and Whore” I wrote,

I have gently coaxed sexual response from the impotent or inhibited, or those sexually shell-shocked by disastrous relationships; on a multitude of occasions I have provided a man with some sexual outlet he needed, yet for which he could not or would not ask his wife (usually because she had turned him down cold when the subject was mentioned).  I have given much-needed intimacy to men so deformed most women couldn’t bear to look at them, held men while they cried because they were too ashamed to do it before their wives, and played mother-confessor for a host of sins.  I have lent a sympathetic ear to clients’ problems, given them relationship advice, comforted them when they were in pain and reassured them when they were overcome by uncertainty.


I’m not remotely unusual in this respect; most whores can say the same.  Though prudish American culture prefers to deny it, sex has a powerful healing function (especially for men), and sex professionals can often do far more for a man than a doctor, psychiatrist or priest.  In addition to the basics like massage and release of debilitating tension we give virgins their first experiences with women, minister to the sexual needs of the disabled and even help to relieve stress in men who have suffered through traumatic situations; in the following questions we’ll look at two more cases in which a talented professional would be more therapist than tart.

My first friend is a gentleman in his late 40′s who has not been with a woman in the 3 years since his divorce.  His friends believe he is completely over his ex, but we have noticed an uncharacteristic lapse in his confidence; we’ve tried to reintroduce him to dating, but it’s as if he doesn’t remember how to behave around women and he pulls back within his shell.  Do you think it a good idea to arrange for a discreet professional to meet with him as if by accident and accompany him for an evening, but conceal the true reason for their serendipitous meeting?

Though you can probably find a lady who would be willing to playact with your friend, I’m not at all sure that would be the right thing to do.  I’m a big believer in honesty, and though there are certainly some circumstances in which duplicity for a good cause is acceptable, I honestly don’t know if this would be one of them.  My concern is that if he ever found out it could be even worse for his self-confidence, and there are a number of ways in which he could find out; it might happen during the date due to perceptiveness on his part or a slip on her part, and what happens when he asks for her phone number at the end of the evening (as he certainly would)?  Or what if he goes surfing escort sites (you may think he doesn’t, but what if you’re wrong?) and discovers her pictures online?  Spending an evening with an experienced call girl can do wonders for a man’s sexual self-confidence, but I honestly feel it’s better for him to know what’s really going on rather than being fed a fantasy.

My other friend is much younger (in his late 20s) and has almost the opposite issue; he gets so excited that he finishes much more quickly than he would prefer.  I shared with him some tips to calm himself, and though he said one of those suggestions has truly helped him it only increased his time from immediately to a few minutes.  His last girlfriend moved away and now he’s afraid to deal with another one because he doesn’t want to embarrass himself by “being so disappointing”.  He can’t really afford a sex therapist, so I was wondering if a lady of the evening might help him?  If so, should he let her know exactly what she’s signing up for? 

It’s possible you may already have corrected his problem.  You say he used to climax immediately, but now can last “a few minutes”; how many is a few?  Because as I explained in an interview with the London School of Attraction,  most women don’t want nearly as much actual intercourse as most men seem to think we do.  If your friend can go for five minutes that’s enough for most women, especially if he takes the time to give his partner all the foreplay she wants.  A good escort might indeed help him, but maybe not in the way you’re thinking:  she might be able to teach him to slow down if necessary, but more importantly she could help him develop his confidence and foreplay techniques, and let him know if he really is too fast or just thinks he is.

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