Can relationships with different sexual histories really last? Say for example one partner has had over 50 partners while the other one has had 2 or 3, or one only having experience with oral/vaginal and the other everything under the rainbow? Are such relationships very likely to fail, or are they just like any other relationship?
Number of partners is completely immaterial unless one of the partners uses it to make trouble. Usually, it’s worse if the woman has had more sexual partners than the man, but I’ve also seen women who will use a man’s relative promiscuity as an excuse to fight. I’ve also seen many relationships with HUGE disparities work out just fine. As with anything else, if two people are really compatible it’s just not an issue; if they aren’t, anything can trigger arguments. It’s certainly true, however, that a person used to a lot of variety in activities might get bored if his partner is strictly the missionary-in-the-dark type and refuses to adapt.
I recently started a new, high-paying job, but I won’t get my first paycheck until next month and I have a lot of bills that can’t wait. So I am thinking about posting on Backpage and escorting for a short while. However, I don’t have a car and I’m not sure how much to ask in Dallas (is $200 an hour too much?) Also, how can I protect myself from undercover cops?
If you’ve never hooked before, you need to be extremely careful. $200 is typical for Dallas, so that’s OK; having men come to your location (incall) is actually helpful for avoiding cops because they generally prefer to have their targets come to them. Of course, that still means you need to set yourself up in a hotel room first, unless you really want strangers knowing where you live (which I would not advise). The alternative is either a taxi or getting a ride from someone you can trust to know what you’re doing. You’ll need someone like that anyway; it’s not safe to be alone with a strange man without someone knowing where you are, what you’re doing, when he got there and when he’s supposed to leave (or when you got there and plan to leave). If you don’t want to trust a friend, you might consider doing a few jobs for an agency instead of placing an ad yourself so that they can monitor you. But if you do place an ad, please keep it tasteful; a lot of “sexy” talk attracts both sleazy guys and cops, and you don’t need either of those. You didn’t mention health protection, but I cannot possibly stress enough that you absolutely MUST use condoms, no matter how much extra he offers you to skip them. Finally, please read my post about screening and follow the advice in it. Good luck!
What’s the difference between prostitution and escorting? I have come across several high-end escort websites and I notice that all of these beautiful women have a disclaimer on the front page stating that payment is only for time and companionship, usually followed by “This is not an offer of prostitution!” Does this mean I am safe from the law? Is it legal to pay money for time and companionship services?
There is no difference between escorting and prostitution; though some escorts may claim differently, escorting is simply one of many types of prostitution. The disclaimer you’re referring to is practically omnipresent on escort websites, and the protection is gives them is worth exactly what it cost for them to put it there: zero. It’s just like the various formulae they imagine will reveal a cop in a sting: “If you don’t take the money in your hand, they can’t arrest you,” or “cops aren’t allowed to take their clothes off,” or “cops can’t touch the girl,” or “cops have to answer truthfully if one asks if they’re cops.” None of these things are true; they’re the equivalent of magical charms whispered by the superstitious before going into danger. If a cop wants to arrest a woman he will, no matter what she says, does, doesn’t say, doesn’t do or writes on her website; even if the cops really had such rules (which they don’t), they would simply lie and claim the woman said or did whatever was needed to arrest her, or that they (the cops) didn’t do whatever it was they weren’t supposed to do.
So though the answer to your question is technically “yes” (it is indeed legal to pay for time and companionship), in actuality if you respond to a fake escort ad you will be arrested no matter what you didn’t say to the disguised policewoman. The way to avoid this is to only make appointments with known escorts who either have good reviews or are recommended to you by friends; that way you know that the lady is a reputable businesswoman rather than bait to trick you into jail.
I lurk at your site frequently, and love the way you write. My own blog deals with…marriage topics, and one of my most popular subjects is “girl game”. In these posts I try to explain to my female readers some of the psychology behind why and how men like to have sex, and what they can do to cater to it. Most of the time I’m actually explaining the usual “why men go see whores” meme in different ways, and I have had some good response to it. I’ve covered the GFE, the Happy Ending, and a couple of other professional go-to moves, but I was wondering if you had any further ideas in that direction. What were the common reasons men saw you when you practiced, and how could their wives have countered their decision to go to a pro by giving them what they wanted at home?
The three most common reasons married men see whores could be abbreviated as “She doesn’t”, “She won’t” and “She isn’t”. The first is wholly in the woman’s court, the last wholly in the man’s, and the second somewhere in between. “She doesn’t” means the wife just doesn’t provide enough sex, or that the sex she provides is so lackluster it isn’t satisfying to the husband. “She won’t” means the wife won’t do something the husband really yearns for, whether that be a particular activity (such as oral sex) or a mode of behavior (such as role-play or just being enthusiastic). “She isn’t” means the wife is simply no longer sufficient for the husband’s desire no matter what she does; either age or weight has made her unattractive to him, or he can’t see her as sexual after having kids due to a bad case of the Madonna/whore duality, or he has a strong need for variety. ”She doesn’t” and most “She won’t” are completely under the wife’s control; giving one’s husband the kind of good, enthusiastic sex he craves will go a long way toward sapping his desire to see whores. If the man’s desire is for something the woman actually can’t provide (such as an energetic PSE when she’s over 50 and no longer athletic), a frank discussion of alternatives which might do the trick is in order; if it’s something for which she has a visceral repulsion (such as cross-dressing), he may not even dare to mention it to her and then, obviously, it moves into “She isn’t”.
By definition, there is less a woman can do to circumvent “She isn’t” issues, unless they’re purely dependent on something like her weight. That’s quite rare despite what you might think; I can’t recall very many cases of a man telling me that his wife was still very interested in sex, but that she was so fat or old or whatever that he couldn’t get interested. Though some feminists like to rant about male shallowness in this regard, the truth is that in the overwhelming majority of cases it’s a wife’s attitude and behavior which turn her husband off rather than her physical appearance (though obviously, if she pointedly insists that she doesn’t care about her appearance it says a lot about her attitude, no?) The need for variety is a tough one, but not insurmountable; if a wife comes up with ways to spice things up (or even just responds favorably to her husband’s ideas) his hindbrain can often be tricked into perceiving her as different, and therefore satisfying to his need for variety. If that’s not enough, there are couple calls and wife swapping, which allow the husband to satisfy his craving for “strange” under controlled conditions rather than acting behind the wife’s back. Of course, if it’s the illicit nature of trysts with hookers which turns him on, that’s going to present a problem; if he craves sneaking around behind his wife’s back, he’s not likely to be satisfied with activities she attends, arranges or even simply condones. The same could be said of the Madonna/whore issue, which might require some kind of counseling to help him get over it. Still, those represent a very small minority of cases; most of the time, an attentive and caring wife can keep her husband from straying by simply taking her own responsibilities seriously, and by helping him to do the same for his.
I read your post and answer to the question: “How does one find a male prostitute for a straight female?“ Is there really a market for females that want male prostitutes? Could you recommend a male prostitute that a man could fashion himself after (both physically and mentally)? And could you recommend any books, websites or articles on the topic?
I’m afraid there just isn’t much of a market for heterosexual male prostitutes, which is why that reader had so much trouble finding one. While every town in the world has female hookers and most make much more than they could at other jobs for which they’re qualified, men who want to do sex work usually deal mostly with men. This isn’t to say that no woman ever pays a man for sex, but those who do so are statistical outliers and therefore not a dependable source of income. The English sex worker Sensuous Amanda expressed it quite well:
Whilst I won’t say there is no market for straight male escorts, I will tell you that it is a teeny tiny market and it is awash with bright eyed hopefuls. As far as I know, even the successful guys do it part time and have another job to pay the rent…Boys, go for it if you want, but don’t rely on it for income. For instance, my ex – a tall strapping chap, pretty good looking, in his early 30s at the time – advertised his services. He’d seen what I was earning and decided that he wanted in on the action. He never made a sodding penny. Nothing. Not so much as an email or a call. Not even a timewaster.
That article also suggests a helpful model: Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. No, he wasn’t a sex worker, but that’s exactly the point; as Amanda writes, “in general, women don’t want [it]…to be a charade. We want a man to be all of those things to us because he wants to be. Not because we’ve just handed him a wad of twenties…” Or as I expressed it in “Just Drawn That Way”, “it is a rare woman indeed who will pay for sex with a man [because] it is an undeniable statement that he is not attracted to her, and that invalidates the primary reason for which [most women] might seek unprofitable, non-relationship sex.” People try to refute that by pointing to female sex tourists, but the exception proves the rule because what these women are looking for is adventure and romance rather than sex per se, which is why they seek this in exotic places rather than at home. Furthermore, you must remember that dollars, pounds and euros go a long way in such locales; what constitutes a generous fee there might be only a small sum in the Global North. That matters because women tend to be cheap tippers, especially where sex is concerned; as I explained once before, “A friend of mine who owned a male stripper service in addition to his escort service eventually had to stop offering so-called ‘bachelorette parties’ because none of his boys would do them anymore. The reason they gave? ‘Women are lousy tippers and they’re more interested in the buffet than the dancers.’” The good, dependable income in sex work is from male clients, whether the sex worker is male or female; as Amanda put it, “You wanna be a male escort? Fine, you go for it sweetie. You wanna make real money as a male escort? Lube up, bend over and take one for the team.”
I don’t know of any other resources for heterosexual male escorts, but by serendipity one of them (who says he has 15 years of experience) posted a reply just a few weeks ago on the very same Sensuous Amanda post I quoted above. He confirmed that he couldn’t make enough to live on, points out the difficulties of trying to see more than two to three clients a week, and explained that his sessions have to be open-ended on time rather than by the hour as with female escorts. He has a lot to say that I think you’ll find enlightening, including the fact that 75% of his clients were couples; this of course reinforces what I said above, because if it weren’t for the man’s interest in the fantasy you can be sure his wife wouldn’t be there.
I totally agree with you that a wife should take care of her husband’s needs, but I’m having some technical problems that I don’t know how to solve. I want to have sex for him even if I’m tired, but my body doesn’t cooperate – specifically, my vagina stays completely dry, which makes it quite painful. I can do oral, anal (with lubrication), or whatever else he dreams up, but he isn’t too happy about this indication that it’s “duty sex” – and I can’t seem to find my “on button”. Do you know of anything I can do about this?
I’ve always been on the dry side, and have carried a tube of lube in my purse since I was 16 just in case. Obviously, you must not have that problem when you’re excited, so your husband notices if you have to lube up; that’s not an issue I ever had, since I needed lube either way. That having been said, in my pre-commercial days I still found the experience a bit nicer if I could get into it; so when my first husband (Jack) would ask if I were in the mood and I wasn’t, I would reply, “No, but you go ahead and get started, and I’ll catch up.”
Now, if I couldn’t there wasn’t much way for him to tell, and that makes our situations a bit different, but I still think you can take a leaf from my book there. How do you think it would work with him if you were just honest? “Baby, I want to make love to you tonight, but I’m tired so my engine is cold; why don’t you help me warm it up first so I can get ready for you?” Something like that. Make sure you assure him that it’s not that you aren’t interested, but rather a physiological thing; most men do like foreplay anyway, so it’s likely he won’t consider that a hardship. Now, I’m assuming here that there is something he can do which will get you wet even when you are tired; if that isn’t the case there are two other options. The first one is, is there any fantasy you have which never fails to get you going? Because thinking about it while you’re getting ready for bed might put you in the mood and make you more physically receptive. If that doesn’t work, there’s the brute force approach: a vaginal moisturizer like Replens. It’s really intended for menopausal or perimenopausal women or those with issues due to medication or the like, but its non-hormonal so there’s no reason it shouldn’t work for you. It’s very long-lasting (the Replens brand lasts for three days), so he doesn’t even need to know you’re using it; if he hints at sex or you just suspect he’s going to want it, you could sneak off to the lavatory and use it, then even if it’s hours before the two of you are intimate you’ll be ready to go.
Do let me know if one of those solutions works for you; if not we’ll see if we can’t come up with something else!
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree. - W. C. Fields
R.K. asks,
Are all women crazy? I’ve heard this to be true from both sexes, and though I feel it’s a cop-out I was wondering if you thought there might be some truth in it?
The glib answer is that “women are crazy and men are stupid”. Now obviously, that’s an exaggeration, but there is some very real truth in it. The male brain tends to be better at deductive reasoning, while the female tends to be better at inductive reasoning. In other words, men tend to be much better than women at following a logical process and coming to a conclusion via building one fact upon another; this is why men are generally better at math, engineering and other technical subjects. Women, on the other hand, tend to be much better than men at inference, the process of comparing a thing as a whole to other wholes in her experience and determining which prior situation it most closely resembles. The advantage of the male approach is that it allows wholly new solutions to be formed from bits and pieces; the advantage of the female approach is that it allows the solution of problems for which there is insufficient data by comparing them with previous problems which have already been solved. You might say the male brain is more digital, and the female more analog.
But when a man or woman who has not studied the cognitive differences, or a person who believes in “social construction of gender” and therefore denies that those differences exist, considers the thinking of the opposite sex, he or she is apt to be very confused. Inductive reasoning, because it relies on comparison of wholes, tends toward all-or-nothingness; either a woman “gets” the problem right away or she doesn’t get it at all. So imagine Mr. and Mrs. Exemplar trying to solve the same problem; if it matches something in Mrs. Exemplar’s (personal or learned) experience she might come to the solution immediately, while Mr. Exemplar is still putting all the facts together. Her conclusion? “Boy, he sure is stupid”. Meanwhile Mr. Exemplar sees his lady apparently drawing an answer from thin air, with no thought involved; he therefore assumes she must be crazy. This mismatched perception is bad enough if they arrive at the same solution, but it’s multiplied if they arrive at different ones, all the more so because each will insist that his or her solution and means of arriving at it are the only “right” ones.
The reason the “women are crazy” perception is more universal across both sexes is that inductive thinking is far more prone to “garbage in, garbage out” errors than deductive. To a degree, deductive thought is self-correcting; a person who masters it can recognize when there is something wrong or missing with the facts he has been given, and proceed accordingly. In other words, deductive logic, though slower, is less prone to error in the long run; the process is more powerful than the data, and an erroneous conclusion can later be corrected with additional facts. Inductive logic, on the other hand, is critically reliant on its data, and if those data are corrupt the process is liable to produce the sort of garbage we see from neofeminists all the time. Faulty deductive logic tends to lead to incomplete (“stupid”) conclusions, while faulty inductive logic tends to lead to complete but erroneous (“crazy”) ones; if the initial premises from which induction began are irrational, warped or false, the end result can be totally bat-shit insane. And upon exposure to the results of this kind of GIGO cognition nearly all men, and any woman whose initial premises more closely reflect the real world, come to the same conclusion: the woman who has arrived at these bizarre conclusions is “crazy”, though in truth she is simply a victim of her own flawed axioms.
What’s your opinion on the social implications of the male contraceptive pill? I think it may have as big an effect as the female contraceptive pill on relationships, male/female interaction, etc. I can certainly see more women annoyed and angry that men can control when they become fathers.
I’ve never written on the “male pill” that I can remember, but I think you’re absolutely right in saying that it could have profound effects on society. Obviously, guys will still be on the hook if their wives decide to leave them after having a planned-for baby, but a man who takes proper precautions will not have to become a father in the first place if he doesn’t want to. I’m sure you’re right in saying that some women will not at all like men having that kind of control, but I think more enlightened women will recognize it as a step toward real legal equality of the sexes (since right now reproductive decisions are almost completely in the hands of women). The only drawback I can see is that while women are naturally infertile roughly ¾ of the time, and hormonal contraception works by imitating that perfectly natural state, there is no natural point at which post-pubescent men are infertile. In other words, hormonal contraception for women creates an analogue of a natural state, while the same for men would create a state which was not at all natural, which is why just about every one tested so far causes a loss of sex drive or even more pronounced effects. Current research is concentrating on a chemical designated JQ1 which seems to have the ability to make a man’s testes temporarily “forget” how to produce sperm, without any detectable side effects. But even after the drug is pronounced “safe”, I think men should do their research and weigh the pros and cons before deciding to use it when reversible vasectomies are already available.
Are you familiar with the claim that one out of every five women who have been raped report orgasms from the act? I haven’t been able to lock down any definitive data sources on this and thought you might know something.
Orgasm during rape isn’t all that uncommon; I don’t know if it’s 20% or some other number, but it’s enough of a fraction to be noteworthy. In fact, orgasm during rape can be a major cause of rape trauma; because women have been fed nonsense about rape being due to “hate” and “power” and all that malarkey instead of biology, women who orgasm during rape feel there’s something wrong with them. If I don’t want to eat at a particular restaurant because the place is filthy and the owner is a dick who exploits his staff, does that mean my mouth won’t water and my stomach rumble if I’m forced into the place? Of course not; some people even salivate at the smell of blood, despite the fact that they have no real desire to drink it. In other words, the reaction is a biological one which has NOTHING to do with what the person might want. But because of all the dogma that rape is “cultural” rather than biological (despite the fact that it has been observed frequently among our closest relatives, the chimpanzees), a woman who orgasms during rape may feel as if she’s committed some political crime or religious sin (in the words of Sheila Jeffreys, “eroticizing her own oppression”), when in actuality she had no more control over it than some men have over premature ejaculation.
We are simply sisters, mothers, neighbors and friends. We shop where you shop, we vote where you vote and we pay taxes like the rest of you. - Kristen DiAngelo
Amanda Brooks published her own set of tips for clients; I think it’s worthwhile for a gentleman to read as many of these as he comes across, because every woman is different and may include something others didn’t think important.
Egyptian prosecutors ordered the detention of 17 women and a Lebanese man…[for]…commercial phone sex…security forces raided [their] office…and confiscated phones and computer devices…Investigations showed “gang members” recruited female university students through job ads in newspapers and then agreed with them to perform acts “that run contrary to morality”…
Sweden says its “model” has reduced prostitution and deters clients: “[A] newspaper…published an advert about a fictional 19-year-old [sex worker]…Over the weekend, the phone had 130 missed calls and seven texts. After a week, the number had grown to 287 calls and 57 texts…[a] local police [spokesman claimed]…the callers were more curious than interested in buying sex…” What a pathetic rationalization! Here’s the real attitude of Swedes toward the law:
Police say they’ve seen no evidence to back up [a New Zealand] MP’s claims that girls as young as 13 are working as prostitutes in south Auckland…Asenati Lole-Taylor says there is “growing prevalence” of underage girls selling sex…and she’s backing a bill to ban all street prostitution and confine sex work to brothels…[she also claims] she has witnessed police dealing with young prostitutes …That was news to police Area Commander…Chris de Wattignar. “It’s not something that police have seen ourselves. We also work with a number of agencies and community partners in the Otara town centre and that’s certainly not the information we have”…
The US Treasury Department’s Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN) has [issued] regulations on…Bitcoin…there’s been zero regulation…[so far, because that] would essentially admit that it’s legitimate…The nature of Bitcoin makes it untraceable so unless firms are coaxed into cooperation, it’s hard to imagine the regulations being enforced.
Though the main Wikipedia entry for “Prostitution” is an unusable (and uncorrectable) mess due to aggressive sabotage by neofeminists, there is a new article on “Migrant Sex Work” which is comprehensive, fact-based and non-judgmental and includes citations from many good writers like Laura Agustín, Elizabeth Bernstein, Pardis Mahdavi, Nick Mai and Rhacel Parrenas. Here’s hoping the author is able to keep control of it.
Charlotte Shane’s “’Getting Away’ With Hating It: Consent in the Context of Sex Work” is a brilliant exploration of how the weakness of the concept of “enthusiastic consent” (now being pushed by the “rape culture” folks) is demonstrated by sex work. This is definitely a must-read, especially for my male readers, as it looks at an area of female sexual psychology most men seem to have difficulty understanding. Even the comment thread is worth your time, especially the reactions to a Good Men Project writer who apparently thinks it’s only OK to pay a whore if she doesn’t need the job and is only doing it as a hobby or something.
The Australian Woman’s Weekly published “When Sex is Your Day Job”, an interview with five sex workers (including Rachel Wotton) about prejudice, sex work myths, discrimination and sex as a human right. What a difference from the United States!
A 19-year-old Tunisian activist who was threatened with death by stoning after posting topless pictures of herself online has reportedly been admitted to a psychiatric hospital. The woman, known only as Amina, posted the photographs…to the Femen-Tunisian Facebook page…Amina’s aunt claimed…”She had decided to kill herself and so posted nude pictures of herself online.” [Femen leader Inna] Shevchenko described the move as “a typical way of reacting to a woman’s demand to be free – they say she’s gone crazy or is being too emotional”…
A…Mexican politician who…[appeared] in a…lingerie video is taking legal action against political rivals who claim she was [an] “escort girl.” Giselle Arellano says the…accusations resulted in her failing to win the nomination of Mexico’s conservative National Action Party (PAN)…She wants the election annulled on the grounds that she was “slandered” by her rivals…Arellano…resides in Las Vegas, Nevada, where she has done stints as a model and also runs a small company that offers “concierge services” to visitors. She was running for a seat in the Zacatecas State Legislature that is reserved for Mexicans who emigrate abroad…
Besides conventional services, Black Rose Services plans bachelor parties and group excursions to strip clubs and only takes clients by referral.
Microsoft recently sponsored a “hackathon” based on the theme “combating human trafficking”, and a story on the ever-credulous NPR reports that one of the entries is a smartphone app that middle-class teenage girls who are suddenly “trafficked” by surprise (presumably by “pimps” leaping out at them from bushes) can use to surreptitiously “connect with resources, like a hotline number or a chat room where they can get help. ‘One of the requirements of this project was to make it covert, so it’s not easily detectable…and [that] it’s for girls ages 11 to 21.’ So the app, which they call Blossom, is disguised to look like it’s just about fun for teens…” Because captives would certainly be allowed to keep their phones, and university-age adult women are interested in the same sorts of games as 11-year-olds.
Saskatoon’s new adult services licensing bylaw…gives police new…powers to keep a closer watch on a large part of the sex industry…Anyone advertising sexual services…is now required to get a licence from the city…This is…taking part of the sex trade out of the shadows to protect vulnerable women, police and city officials say…”Prostitution is not against the law. If a person is working at a hotel and communicating in a private place, then they are not committing a criminal offence”…
And that obviously wouldn’t do, so they had to find a way to make it into one. For our own good, of course.
…On Eagles Wings Ministries plans to [build]…a haven for girls involved in the sex-trafficking trade…Gaston County provides a location that’s close enough to Charlotte to help girls there, but far enough away to keep traffickers at bay…North Carolina has become a hotspot for human trafficking…[due to] major highways and interstates, transient populations and large rural areas…
Two of the authors of books from this column (Rob Arthur of You Will Die and Laura Agustín of Sex at the Margins) were interviewed on the subject of what inspired them to write those books; I think you’ll find their answers illuminating.
Last month Lora LePoudre, who goes by the escort pseudonym Hilary Holiday, was arrested by the Eden Prairie Police department in Minnesota following an anonymous tip off by a neighbor and a subsequent sting operation…Neighbors in her family-friendly condo complex [said] they were thankful police had arrested her…
As you may remember, there was no “complaint” except from Hilary herself; the reporter also cherry-picks neighbors, spews inanities like “family-friendly” and misquotes Kristen DiAngelo as saying escorts are “very different” from other sex workers, when actually she said there was a difference between free and coerced prostitution.
…The head of the Essonne department…Jerome Guedj…called for allowing sex surrogates…as part of regular social services…[noting] that [they]…are permitted in some other European countries…But…[removed] the term…just ahead of the vote…after coming under criticism for opening the door to legalized prostitution…a national ethics council…ruled that authorizing sex surrogates would essentially “merchandise the human body”…
I hired a sex worker for my late 93-year-old father. He had dementia and lived in a nursing home when he said to me, “You’ll need to find me a woman”…I took his request seriously [because]…I’m a disability support worker and I’ve seen how an individual’s sexuality needs to be considered…Touching Base put me in contact with…the person they thought most suitable: ’Emma’…After time with Emma, my father’s well-being and consequently his behaviour improved…He wasn’t as agitated. He didn’t obsess over things like he used to. He was serene, happy and relaxed…
There is considerable sympathy among Dutch MPs for moves to get tougher on people who visit prostitutes and don’t report suspected exploitation or abuse…The senate…is currently considering legislation that would force prostitutes to sign up to an official register. Clients who fail to check if a girl is registered, could face prosecution…[some] want to go further and say clients should be prosecuted for failing to report to the authorities if they suspect a woman may be being abused or forced to work as a prostitute…
Oregon is really ramping up the hysteria; between two different stories on the same legislative/cop antics we are told that “trafficking happens in small towns” to 9-year-olds, that “80 children are victims of sex trafficking each year” in Portland, that prosecutors want to use “racketeering laws” to prosecute whoever a girl names as her “pimp” after being jailed indefinitely (for her own good, of course), and that “men looking to buy sex from minors describe the victims they want to order.” All this on the word of unnamed women who present no evidence; you know, kind of like witch trials.
A quack doctor can kill you without a knife. - Chinese proverb
A male reader writes:
So, I was talking with my therapist, and one of the things he asked me is if I had paid for sex. I said no, I want to have a connection with my lover. But what he said next shocked me: he claimed that ALL prostitutes are either sex slaves or owned by a pimp of some sort. Not some, not many, ALL. How can I show him he’s wrong?
I am not exaggerating when I suggest you should find another therapist. Anyone who could believe such a thing when there is overwhelming proof to the contrary (in the form of not only studies but personal accounts) is so irrational that it qualifies as a full-blown delusion; a person who could believe that can believe literally anything, including psychological fads like “sex addiction” with no basis in valid psychological theory or study. He obviously has no idea of how the female mind works, or is in deep denial; furthermore, he has an EXTREMELY low opinion of women’s agency and capacity for self-determination, which will affect everything he tells you about women. And though he’s not an economist, even the most rudimentary understanding of rational choice theory or the basics of undergraduate-level sociology would make it impossible for any sane mind to believe in such utter foolishness.
There is a MOUNTAIN of information which disproves this absurd myth, much of it linked on my Resources page and much more easily discovered by a quick Google search. If he believes all this information is wrong, he’s a megalomaniac or a religious fanatic; if he believes it to be deliberately falsified he’s paranoid, and if he doesn’t know it exists he’s woefully ignorant. In any case, he isn’t the kind of person who should be responsible for anyone else’s mental health, and in fact could benefit from a great deal of therapy himself. His belief is as irrational as the contention that an anthropomorphic god created the universe in six calendar days 6000 years ago, or that large numbers of extraterrestrials have abducted humans for experiment, or that vast Satanic cults enslave thousands of teenage runaways to breed babies for sacrifice; you should avoid him just as you would avoid a “therapist” who believed in such ideas.
Finally, There’s also one more possibility: He could know very well what he’s saying is a lie, and is just trying to scare you away from seeing sex workers. That would make him an amoral manipulator, which is just as bad as the other possibilities unless you actually want to develop False Memory Syndrome.
Twice and thrice over, as they say, good is it to repeat and review what is good. - Plato
All of today’s questions and answers appeared previously in comment threads, and I’ve linked the originals; I thought it best to repeat them in-column not only to ensure that everyone gets to see them, but also so that they can be referenced in “Previously Asked Questions”. If you have a question of your own, please check that page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.
There is a market for “BBW” (Big Beautiful Woman) escorts, and definitely for mature ones, and for the combination as well. The most important thing for mature ladies is personality; gentlemen who see older escorts usually want an interesting companion as much as or more than they want sex. As for income, you’ll have to check your local escort boards, but I expect it isn’t much different from other women in your area.
Woman on top is good for men with smaller penises, and also allows for manual clitoral stimulation; if your wife is fairly flexible, she can also lie on her back with her knees pulled all the way up until they’re alongside her tits. Rear-entry (“doggie style”) also shortens and tightens the vagina, but it won’t work well if the woman is generously endowed in the derriere; this can be mitigated somewhat if she is flexible and can get on her knees while pressing her bosom as flat against the mattress as she can (it also helps if the man crouches to penetrate instead of getting on his knees). And of course, there’s also anal sex; a smaller penis is actually an advantage for that activity.
P411 requires that girls have several reviews, and I think they also need a vouch from a client or already-approved girl but I’m not sure of that. I don’t know about Date Check personally, but Aspasia wrote that she had to be vouched for by established escorts and email them a photocopy of her ID.
I never encountered one I could not accept because of thickness, and I honestly don’t think very many other escorts have, either; the vagina is elastic enough to allow a baby’s head through, and there’s no penis remotely close to that in diameter. There is a common male myth that a lot of sex can make a woman loose, but this is pure, unadulterated nonsense; only childbirth can do that. Excessive length is a problem because it can “bottom out” against the cervix, but in that case a thin penis is worse than a thick one because it allows the head to ram harder against the sensitive tissues, whereas a thick one will be slowed down by friction. To a degree we deal with that by choosing positions which don’t allow deep penetration, but I have heard of some ladies who specify that they won’t see men over a certain length.
There ain’t no good guys, there ain’t no bad guys. There’s only you and me and we just disagree. - Jim Krueger
A.S. writes:
I’m in a “lukewarm” marriage. I love my wife and do not want to hurt her, but ever since we had kids 11 years ago, I have been frustrated most of the time. 10 years ago, I started visiting massage parlors, and 4 years ago, escorts; I now meet with an escort I have known for the past 3 years, and after each meeting, I feel happier, better able to work, and happier to see my family afterwards. I know I am betraying the promise of sexual exclusivity I made to my wife when we married, and that she would be hurt if she found out. However, I feel it is better for our kids if we stay together, and as long as my wife doesn’t know what I’m doing, everyone will be happier. Should I try harder to stop seeing escorts, and focus on rekindling romance and intimacy in my marriage? Or continue seeing an escort and risk discovery and pain later on?
Marriage was designed to serve an economic purpose, not a sexual one; up until the 14th century absolutely nobody pretended otherwise, and until the late 19th century the idea of “love-matches” was largely a conceit of the economically-secure European upper middle class. But about a hundred years ago the rather absurd and untenable idea that marriage should be based only on love and no other reason became the norm throughout Western society; even this wouldn’t have been so bad if not for the “social purity” movement of the late 19th and early 20th centuries, which insisted that men could be held to standards of marital fidelity and premarital chastity which didn’t even work for some women. Prior to that time, it was universally understood that the average man wanted a lot more sex than the average woman, and that’s what whores were for; prostitution was recognized as “the lesser of two evils”, a practice which helped to prevent rape and lessen affairs with other men’s wives and virgin daughters. The “social purists” and their political wing, the “progressives” (yes, that’s the origin of the term) insisted that mankind was perfectible, and that laws inspired by “science”, drafted by wise and educated “experts” and imposed on the population at gunpoint under threat of “correction” in “rehabilitative” prisons, could be used to “improve” and “re-educate” people. I’m sorry for all the scare quotes, but I think all reasonable people can see what this misguided belief-system has done to the United States, the country which (because of its unique sociology) embraced it most wholeheartedly: busybody laws that make literally everyone into criminals, 25% of the world’s prisoners (though we only have 5% of the world’s population), and a war on our own citizens that has resulted in the destruction of millions of lives and the waste of trillions of dollars worldwide.
Human beings are not perfectible; we are flawed, human and individual. Even if we were perfectible it could certainly not be achieved through coercion (either through state violence or via the sort of emotional blackmail favored by manipulative wives). And even if some foolproof method of coercion could be developed, who gets to decide what “perfection” means? Some ruling elite selected by birth, doctrinal orthodoxy, wealth, physical strength, education or skill at winning popularity contests? Such a system would destroy the souls of its subjects and reduce humans to automata.
If you’re wondering what this has to do with your question, I’ll spell it out. In a perfectly-matched marriage, the husband would be able to focus all his libido on the wife and she in turn would be excited enough by his interest to want sex every time he did, or else be wise enough to provide him with it every time he wanted it simply because she loved him and/or understood that it’s part of her economic contribution to the marital arrangement. But no person and no arrangement is perfect, and that includes you, your wife and your marriage. It’s not unusual for women to lose interest in sex after several children; it’s just biology, and your inability to just settle for what little boring sex she chooses to dole out is likewise biological. Neither of you is the “abuser” or “victim” as feminists and MRAs both pretend; it’s simply normal, imperfect, frustrating human life. You could have attempted to badger your wife into more sex, or displayed your frustration through constant arguments, or turned it inward so you could become mentally and physically ill and possibly lose your job or be arrested once your judgment was eroded enough that you did something stupid. But you instead did the wise thing: you hired professionals to deal with the issue, just as you might hire a guy to cut your grass if you couldn’t do it or day-care people to care for your kids if your wife had to work. Because that’s what sex workers are: professionals. We’re not “homewreckers”, or criminals, or the pathetic victims of evil men who dare to commit the sin of having a sex drive higher than that of their wives; we’re caring professionals who help human beings to deal with the necessities of mortality.
My advice to you, then, is to be as careful as you can so that your wife doesn’t find out. Keep trying to get her interested in sex, enough to let her know you still want her but not so much that you annoy her. Make sure she knows you still love her, but only to the extent you sincerely feel it; excessive displays are not only deceptive, they’re suspicious. Of course, she may find out despite your precautions; she may already know but is simply wiser than you give her credit for, and understands that what you’re doing is for the best. You mention “the risk of pain later on”, but that will exist no matter what path you choose; all of our lives are full of sorrow, pain and disappointment, often from those we care most about, and all any human can do is to try to minimize the harm his actions cause others…which is exactly what you’ve been doing for the last ten years.
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Number of partners is completely immaterial unless one of the partners uses it to make trouble. Usually, it’s worse if the woman has had more sexual partners than the man, but I’ve also seen women who will use a man’s relative promiscuity as an excuse to fight. I’ve also seen many relationships with HUGE disparities work out just fine. As with anything else, if two people are really compatible it’s just not an issue; if they aren’t, anything can trigger arguments. It’s certainly true, however, that a person used to a lot of variety in activities might get bored if his partner is strictly the missionary-in-the-dark type and refuses to adapt.
There is no difference between escorting and prostitution; though some escorts may claim differently, escorting is simply one of many types of prostitution. The disclaimer you’re referring to is practically omnipresent on escort websites, and the protection is gives them is worth exactly what it cost for them to put it there: zero. It’s just like the various formulae they imagine will reveal a cop in a sting: “If you don’t take the money in your hand, they can’t arrest you,” or “cops aren’t allowed to take their clothes off,” or “cops can’t touch the girl,” or “cops have to answer truthfully if one asks if they’re cops.” None of these things are true; they’re the equivalent of magical charms whispered by the superstitious before going into danger. If a cop wants to arrest a woman he will, no matter what she says, does, doesn’t say, doesn’t do or writes on her website; even if the cops really had such rules (which they don’t), they would simply lie and claim the woman said or did whatever was needed to arrest her, or that they (the cops) didn’t do whatever it was they weren’t supposed to do.
