Information can tell us everything. It has all the answers. But they are answers to questions we have not asked, and which doubtless don’t even arise. - Jean Baudrillard
One year ago today I answered questions about the word “whore”, working for donations rather than a direct fee and the personal romantic relationships of prostitutes; today’s column contains the answers to four new questions. If you have one for me, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll reply personally, usually within 24 hours.
When I go to brothels I don’t want the girl to think of me as just one of many, so I’d like to leave her a little present, not only the money she asks for her job. The natural choice would be flowers, but there’s no way to bring flowers without being noticed. So the second choice would be chocolate candies; do you think the girl will appreciate that? So maybe, when she gets home she’ll have some chocolate and remember me as one who treated her a bit better.
Most girls do indeed appreciate small gifts given at the end of the date; some girls even state on their websites the sort of thing they like best. Candy is good, so are music CDs and books (of the type she prefers) or even cash. It’s not so important what you give her, as much as the fact that you gave it; when given after the appointment it even assures her that you especially enjoyed her company. And yes, most girls will think of you more fondly for being a gentleman who does so; in my column “Presents” I wrote of clients who gave me such gifts, some of whom I clearly remember all these years later.
I’ve recently turned 21 and though I’ve been in bed with naked women I was unable to get an erection. I’m very worried about disease, but condoms reduce the sensation. Plus, I’m really confused about my sexuality; I love the way women look, but I’m also obsessed with crossdressers. Do prostitutes deal with young virgins much? Because I’d like to find a call girl to have another attempt at sex with, but I’m paranoid that she’ll mock me in some way; would an older escort be more understanding? And do you think seeing an escort will resolve my situation or make it worse?
I think a prostitute might definitely be worth a try; you needn’t worry about being made fun of, because we deal with many sorts of men and nervousness is very common; “The First Time” is about whores initiating virgins, so you might find it helpful. If you are attracted to mature women an older escort would probably be a good choice because she’ll be more experienced at relaxing you, but if you still have trouble with her, you really ought to consider trying a trans prostitute; if you have a fascination for them it could help you to relax and to be more excited. Once you are able to perform and climax once, I think a lot of your nervousness will evaporate and then you’ll be able to explore more freely. If you still have problems with genetic women but not with trans women, it may just be that’s the way you are, and there’s no shame in it; everyone’s different and you’re lucky to be living in these modern times when that’s not nearly as stigmatized as it used to be!
I do think you may be a bit overworried about disease; you’re wise to refuse unprotected intercourse, but if you choose a reputable escort the chances of getting a disease from unprotected oral sex are next to zero.
I’ve often had thoughts of providing escort services, or helping brothels or driving an escort around. I am just tired of the same old drag; as you discussed in “Amazingly Stupid Statements” nine out of ten people would easily leave their profession if they could, but due to money we ceaselessly do the same work each day with no end in sight. What I wouldn’t give just to leave this cube job and get out and meet new people!
It’s nearly impossible for a man to be an escort unless he’s gay; the fact is that in general men will pay for sex and women won’t. If you live in a country where escort services or brothels are legal, you could simply call one and ask if they have any driver-type positions for men, but if you live in a country where it’s illegal they’re unlikely to hire someone they don’t personally know. I do know a gentleman here in the United States (one of my regular readers) who started his own escort service by offering his favorite escort backing; he provided the cash and she provided the know-how and they became partners in an escort service. Of course, you have to get to know an escort pretty well before offering something like that!
Even if you don’t find new work in the sex industry, though, there are plenty of other ways to break out of the job you’re in; perhaps an employment counselor of some sort could help you, or you might talk to friends with companies of their own to ask for advice. Going into business for oneself isn’t easy and it carries considerable financial risk, but for many people it’s well worth it for the freedom.
About ten years ago I became involved with a prostitute who was very vulnerable and messed up. She was 20 when I met her, but had been in the trade since 13. Our relationship was unhealthy and codependent, and our interaction led us both more deeply into drug addiction. We had two children and have overcome our drug dependency, but no longer maintain a relationship so I have become very lonely and seek companionship from escorts. Most women I meet now are young and educated, and are seeking to supplement their income by being escorts; the boundaries are more defined than in my long-term relationship. I realize that I am escaping intimacy, and I feel a sense of guilt because I feel I am exploiting women. I guess I am looking for some perspective on this.
I think you’re letting your first relationship with a prostitute affect your perception of those you’re meeting now. 13 is definitely too young to be in the trade; a girl that age is just too impressionable, and many who start that early have a lot of problems even years later (as you discovered). I can understand your feeling guilty about being with her, but it seems to me from what you’re telling me that both of you were mutually harming each other, as is typical in unhealthy relationships. The fact that money changed hands is immaterial; the two of you would still have been wrong for one another even if you had met under non-commercial circumstances.
However, most escorts are not that way just as most people in any profession are not; as you said, the girls you’re seeing now are true professionals while your girlfriend was not. It is not exploitative to hire someone of either sex to perform a service as long as you deal fairly with that person; it only becomes exploitative if you try to cheat them or change the terms of your agreement without the other’s consent. Would you feel you were “exploiting” a woman you hired to clean your house or give you a massage? Of course not, and it’s not any different with a sex worker. Judging your current dealings with sex workers by your long-term relationship is not a valid comparison.
It’s certainly possible that you are using escorts to escape intimacy; if you were with your girlfriend long enough to have two children by her, it was a serious enough relationship that it may take a considerable time to get over. The fact that you weren’t right for each other does not change the fact that you were in love, and though separation was the wise course of action that doesn’t mean your heart will immediately follow in step with your mind. Eventually you will get over her, and then you will be ready for regular dating again. If you have no close friends to confide in, most good escorts will be happy to listen and even give advice, and if that doesn’t seem enough you might seek counseling. You mustn’t feel ashamed of your confusion and self-doubt; overcoming drug addiction takes great inner strength, so I’m sure you will be able to get past this difficult time as well.